Break up with girlfriend

[totenkopf]

Hi all would be grateful for any advice and opinions.

I was in a relationship for ten months with my ex gf we had planned a lot of things together such as getting married and moving in together she also had a five year old son who I played a massive part with also.

 

We had always told each other how much we loved each other and how much we had always wanted to be together as we had known each other for many years. The relationship was very serious and she basically lived with me for the last five to six months.

 

One night out of the blue she walked away and broke all contact with me a week later saying that all we did was argue. Two months later she announces on facebook that she is in a new relationship with a doorman from her work then not even two months after that they are engaged and they have been sending me messages slagging me off and a picture of the ring.

 

She claims to never have loved me and that I had mental issues. I asked why would she leave her child with me if it was true to which they could not answer and said it was wrong to have left her child in my care so much to which they replied big deal I looked after him a few times while she was at work!

 

Her new boyfriend is the total opposite of me and is the type of person she claimed to dislike as he is into shooting animals and is a plastic gangster type who does graffiti she is a vegetarian and a month before we split she was shouting at a man shooting birds in a field as we walked my dogs.

 

Feeling very confused any advice would be really appreciated, Thanks.

[sabd]

They sound like a charming couple. Not.

They're engaged after 2 months? Haha, good luck to them!

There's no confusion here - she doesn't love you and is treating you like crap.

You therefor need to completely disappear from her life - block all forms of contact - phone, Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter, EVERYTHING!

Just disengage from her and her fiancé and forget about them.

It'll take a bit of time to get over the upset and hurt but you will.

[jus d'orange]

Maybe you haven't had a pal tell you this over beers yet but:

 

dude, she's nuts. Be glad this one is over.

 

 

Really -- 3-4 months later she's engaged to somebody that seems OBVIOUSLY wrong for her and sending you bitter messages? That just screams trainwreck.

 

Look, I know that at the moment your heart is still hurting because you cared about this woman and love doesn't understand logic very well, so what you need to do is make sure:

 

1. You start taking care of yourself and doing things that you enjoy in life, EVEN IF they don't feel enjoyable at the moment. In a few weeks you'll be thanking yourself for doing that.

 

2. She cannot contact you in any way and that you can't see anything about her life anymore. Block her number, block her on ALL social media, etc.

 

3. You reject any out of the blue advances from her. If you go NC and her relationship with the new idiot goes belly-up, I can almost guarantee that she'd come to you to try to suck some good emotions out of you. DON'T let that happen.

 

 

While you're focussing on yourself, if there are any things about your own mental/emotional health you'd like to address beyond getting over the end of the relationship, then I recommend counselling.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep posting as you need and keep away from her.

[totenkopf]

They sound like a charming couple. Not.

They're engaged after 2 months? Haha, good luck to them!

There's no confusion here - she doesn't love you and is treating you like crap.

You therefor need to completely disappear from her life - block all forms of contact - phone, Whatsapp, Facebook, Twitter, EVERYTHING!

Just disengage from her and her fiancé and forget about them.

It'll take a bit of time to get over the upset and hurt but you will.

 

Thank you very much for your reply I have indeed deleted all forms of contact with the pair of them it was on Instagram that he sent me the picture I did not even know you could send direct pics on it! Yeah it is clear how little she thinks of me. Thanks again

[totenkopf]

Maybe you haven't had a pal tell you this over beers yet but:

 

dude, she's nuts. Be glad this one is over.

 

 

Really -- 3-4 months later she's engaged to somebody that seems OBVIOUSLY wrong for her and sending you bitter messages? That just screams trainwreck.

 

Look, I know that at the moment your heart is still hurting because you cared about this woman and love doesn't understand logic very well, so what you need to do is make sure:

 

1. You start taking care of yourself and doing things that you enjoy in life, EVEN IF they don't feel enjoyable at the moment. In a few weeks you'll be thanking yourself for doing that.

 

2. She cannot contact you in any way and that you can't see anything about her life anymore. Block her number, block her on ALL social media, etc.

 

3. You reject any out of the blue advances from her. If you go NC and her relationship with the new idiot goes belly-up, I can almost guarantee that she'd come to you to try to suck some good emotions out of you. DON'T let that happen.

 

 

While you're focussing on yourself, if there are any things about your own mental/emotional health you'd like to address beyond getting over the end of the relationship, then I recommend counselling.

 

Best of luck to you. Keep posting as you need and keep away from her.

 

Thank you so much for your reply.

I have had several people tell me that she is nuts including the father of her son. Her mother is schizophrenic so I am thinking that possibly she may have an issue similar to this.

 

I have no form of contact with her any more and will keep this up. It seems that she is only brave enough to speak her mind or slag me off through her new boyfriend who I have made clear to that I am not interested in speaking with. The messages were very nasty and she has totally switched everything around and is clearly fabricating things and rehashing them such as playing down how involved I was with her son and the extremes she went to with regards to marrying me.

 

I was married at the time to a girl I married at age 20 when I was in the army and she had made things very difficult to obtain a divorce my ex gf managed to track her down and locate where she lived and proceed with the divorce. She bought a wedding dress, had her finger measured and was looking at venues etc. When I mentioned this to her new boyfriend he could not really say much and just said that maybe it was because she was bored.

 

I really do not believe I have any mental health issues and it begs the question as to why if she believed I did that she would leave her five year old son in my sole care! I suppose I have seen for myself what she is now as I always believed in her even when red flags were there such as the 40 plus men she had slept with and how she left the father of her son and immediately went on to sleeping with random men.

 

I think that she just morphs herself into a different person depending on who she is with as she has no resemblance to the person I thought she was.

[d0nnivain]

Block her. She sounds like a drama queen who likes to stir up trouble. Engaged after 2 months is crazy. Throwing it in your face is simply mean & uncalled for.

 

 

As for what happened in your relationship, were you fighting? If so reflect on what the fights were about. Once you understand that you can perhaps avoid those kinds of issues in your next relationship.

[totenkopf]

Block her. She sounds like a drama queen who likes to stir up trouble. Engaged after 2 months is crazy. Throwing it in your face is simply mean & uncalled for.

 

 

As for what happened in your relationship, were you fighting? If so reflect on what the fights were about. Once you understand that you can perhaps avoid those kinds of issues in your next relationship.

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

We did have arguments and she would always be quick to walk away and would get on a bus and go out and get drunk and text and call me later in the evening saying how much she loved me and was sorry. I had told her that I did not think she should keep walking away all the time to which she agreed.

 

I really do not get how she goes from wanting to get married to myself and saying she dreamed of the date to get married then to leave and get engaged to someone she barely knows after two months its all a little strange I must admit.

[sabd]

I really do not get how she goes from wanting to get married to myself and saying she dreamed of the date to get married then to leave and get engaged to someone she barely knows after two months its all a little strange I must admit.

 

More than a little strange. You are WELL OUT.

[totenkopf]

More than a little strange. You are WELL OUT.

 

Haha yeah I think a little strange was an understatement!

[totenkopf]

I suppose whatever she said to me during the relationship were most likely sweet nothings. The old saying " talk is cheap" her actions have proven differently. I just think of all she said I mean we discussed childs names and she even came off the injection. I suppose none of it matters any more regardless of whether she had him lined up or just got with him after the fact is still the same she left me for someone else.

[sabd]

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou.

[totenkopf]

"The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them." - Maya Angelou.

 

That is a great quote! I think that if anything this will be a great learning curve for me if I have another relationship in the future which I hope I will.

[mightycpa]

I think I'd be a little upset if I got replaced by a doorman.

[ZiggyZoo]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Being blindsided like that is an awful feeling, especially if you were planning the rest of your life together. But, the good thing about train wrecks like her is that it'll make it really easy for you to make the ol' list of reasons why you are better off without her. And thank GOD you didn't end up having a baby with her...I'm with everyone else, go NC and move on. You can get through this, we're all here to help!

 

OT: I love your name. I'm a huge history buff, and wish I'd thought of it first. Grrrrr:p

[totenkopf]

Haha yeah but she has had a long list of different kinds of people from Buskers to bouncers that she has had one night stands with

[totenkopf]

I'm sorry that you're going through this. Being blindsided like that is an awful feeling, especially if you were planning the rest of your life together. But, the good thing about train wrecks like her is that it'll make it really easy for you to make the ol' list of reasons why you are better off without her. And thank GOD you didn't end up having a baby with her...I'm with everyone else, go NC and move on. You can get through this, we're all here to help!

 

OT: I love your name. I'm a huge history buff, and wish I'd thought of it first. Grrrrr:p

 

Thanks ZiggyZoo.

It is certainly a very confusing thing quite possibly one of the weirdest times of my life! Apparently she had been planning to leave me for months according to her new boyfriend, strange that she viewed a flat a week before and even had me wrap all his presents for his birthday and even sign a joint card with her.

He even said that she kept the child away from me towards the end as she knew what she was going to do which is a complete lie as he stayed twice in the final week and she even said she wanted to change his name to mine when we got married and I took him to school with her everyday as usual. Well I suppose it seems that her husband to be is being lie to already!

Haha I am keen on my history especially German as you have worked out

[ZiggyZoo]

You gotta love that, when they can't even man (or woman) up and end it. I've had two exs now who have acted like everything was fine and dandy right until the end. It helped me in a way, since I lost a lot of respect for them because of it. It actually hurt more with one guy that he ended it like that, then the fact that he ended it at all. Well, you dodged a bullet there, that's for sure.

[Satu]

Nothing of value was lost.

[totenkopf]

ZiggyZoo

I totally get what you mean. The fact that someone can not be honest and decent enough to someone that they have to be so sneaky to actually plan leaving you is just beyond comprehension. Its tough when you think you are so close to a person or should I say you think you are then they leave and shortly get with someone who is everything they said they did not like.

I think it has certainly made it easier though as it just reinforces that she is either completely nuts and does not know what she wants or is just a complete liar. How long has it been since your breakup?

[ZiggyZoo]

ZiggyZoo

I totally get what you mean. The fact that someone can not be honest and decent enough to someone that they have to be so sneaky to actually plan leaving you is just beyond comprehension. Its tough when you think you are so close to a person or should I say you think you are then they leave and shortly get with someone who is everything they said they did not like.

I think it has certainly made it easier though as it just reinforces that she is either completely nuts and does not know what she wants or is just a complete liar. How long has it been since your breakup?

 

Heh, which one? My most recent, the one that brought me here, was almost three months ago. You'll like this, he dumped me on December 7th, which was the day Japan bombed Pearl Harbor and the US entered WW2. My own personal day of infamy, I guess. I'm doing really well now though, thanks to going completely NC from the beginning. I'm to the point where I really have to try to get upset about him leaving. And I'm still dreaming about him maybe once a week. But moving along nicely. It also helps that I have not a clue as to whether or not he's with someone else. I've gone through that whole mess too, though...

 

The one I was referring to earlier was maybe 10 years ago? Ancient history.

 

I don't know if you've stumbled across it yet, but there's a great website called "Baggage Reclaim". It sounds like you're actually doing pretty well with things, but she talks a lot about emotionally unavailable men and women, and how to get over feeling rejected by them. That's what my ex was, and once I realized it and stopped trying to figure out what I did wrong to make him take off how he did, I felt better. She has a way of making you understand WHY people do things, and it helps if/when you're blaming yourself for their behavior. I love it.

[totenkopf]

Heh, which one? My most recent, the one that brought me here, was almost three months ago. You'll like this, he dumped me on December 7th, which was the day Japan bombed Pearl Harbor and the US entered WW2. My own personal day of infamy, I guess. I'm doing really well now though, thanks to going completely NC from the beginning. I'm to the point where I really have to try to get upset about him leaving. And I'm still dreaming about him maybe once a week. But moving along nicely. It also helps that I have not a clue as to whether or not he's with someone else. I've gone through that whole mess too, though...

 

The one I was referring to earlier was maybe 10 years ago? Ancient history.

 

I don't know if you've stumbled across it yet, but there's a great website called "Baggage Reclaim". It sounds like you're actually doing pretty well with things, but she talks a lot about emotionally unavailable men and women, and how to get over feeling rejected by them. That's what my ex was, and once I realized it and stopped trying to figure out what I did wrong to make him take off how he did, I felt better. She has a way of making you understand WHY people do things, and it helps if/when you're blaming yourself for their behavior. I love it.

 

It is so weird how there are such surreal things with dates etc! My ex left me on the 11th of October, a mutual friend died on the 11th of December the year prior and she also said she dreamt that we would get married on the 11th of Feb this year! I am glad you are doing well I think I was in a pretty bad way still after three months. But unlike you I was still looking at her pages like a fool.

No I have not checked it out but I certainly will now you have recommended it. Do you feel that there would be any way that if you had done things differently that you would still be with him? Also I know it is easy in hindsight to say but would you have changed anything on your part in the relationship?

[ZiggyZoo]

It is so weird how there are such surreal things with dates etc! My ex left me on the 11th of October, a mutual friend died on the 11th of December the year prior and she also said she dreamt that we would get married on the 11th of Feb this year! I am glad you are doing well I think I was in a pretty bad way still after three months. But unlike you I was still looking at her pages like a fool.

No I have not checked it out but I certainly will now you have recommended it. Do you feel that there would be any way that if you had done things differently that you would still be with him? Also I know it is easy in hindsight to say but would you have changed anything on your part in the relationship?

 

Numbers are interesting sometimes. Strange coincidences.

 

As far as me wondering about doing things differently, there was one thing. He said he was breaking up with me because we weren't connecting anymore. We really only saw each other on the weekends, and October was full of him being out of town working, sick kids, and OH YEAH, my morning sickness. Yep, I was pregnant (well, still am) and was waiting to see him face to face to tell him. He decided instead that he would take October's chaos and ignore me for the whole month of November, Then dump me in December, citing our lack of togetherness. I told him about the baby then, and haven't heard sh*t since. So, long story short, I was beating myself up for not telling him about the baby sooner.

 

Once I started to recover from the immediate shock though, I realized that I may have been at fault for not communicating what was up with him, but he was at fault too. He dropped the ball when he decided to end things without even trying to talk to me first. Because there was obviously a logical explanation for my actions, I didn't want to break up at all. That website also helped me realize that he is very likely emotionally unavailable, and didn't know HOW to handle that situation, so he bailed. That really helped me to shift the responsibility for what happened off my shoulders and party onto his, where it belongs.

 

Oh, and I was checking his FB profile until 13 days ago. Not his whole profile, because I had blocked him. I would log out and Google his name and check whatever was public and read all sorts of things into it. My favorite is that he never changed his relationship status from "In a Relationship", which I took to confirm that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Because if he was, wouldn't he change it so she would know he was single? I would also unblock about once a week to check this WW1 and WW2 group we're in to see if he had posted anything for me, like he used to. He knows I like old BMWs and medical stuff, so he'd find that for me and put it up. And if he hadn't, it would break my heart. I finally gave myself a mental slap when I was sobbing over his old profile pictures and asked what I was gaining from all of it. This was 13 days ago, and I haven't checked FB at all, including his relationship status or anything. Yeah, reading all that back, I see how crazy it sounds. That was the final push I needed to get me to today, where I am almost over him. But oh brother, I was a mess.

 

And I would have changed the fact that I was even in the relationship, if I could go back. There were red flags in the beginning that I deliberately ignored. I won't do that again, that's for sure. But nothing else, really. I'm proud of my NC too, I called him once about ultrasound results and heard nothing. Just confirmed that I need not have anything to do with a loser like him anyway. And there's no way he can justify his actions to himself, I behaved beautifully, with dignity. That's the only eff you I'm going to give him, if he ever looks back and regrets his actions. He'll know that he behaved dishonorably, no way around it.

[totenkopf]

Numbers are interesting sometimes. Strange coincidences.

 

As far as me wondering about doing things differently, there was one thing. He said he was breaking up with me because we weren't connecting anymore. We really only saw each other on the weekends, and October was full of him being out of town working, sick kids, and OH YEAH, my morning sickness. Yep, I was pregnant (well, still am) and was waiting to see him face to face to tell him. He decided instead that he would take October's chaos and ignore me for the whole month of November, Then dump me in December, citing our lack of togetherness. I told him about the baby then, and haven't heard sh*t since. So, long story short, I was beating myself up for not telling him about the baby sooner.

 

Once I started to recover from the immediate shock though, I realized that I may have been at fault for not communicating what was up with him, but he was at fault too. He dropped the ball when he decided to end things without even trying to talk to me first. Because there was obviously a logical explanation for my actions, I didn't want to break up at all. That website also helped me realize that he is very likely emotionally unavailable, and didn't know HOW to handle that situation, so he bailed. That really helped me to shift the responsibility for what happened off my shoulders and party onto his, where it belongs.

 

Oh, and I was checking his FB profile until 13 days ago. Not his whole profile, because I had blocked him. I would log out and Google his name and check whatever was public and read all sorts of things into it. My favorite is that he never changed his relationship status from "In a Relationship", which I took to confirm that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Because if he was, wouldn't he change it so she would know he was single? I would also unblock about once a week to check this WW1 and WW2 group we're in to see if he had posted anything for me, like he used to. He knows I like old BMWs and medical stuff, so he'd find that for me and put it up. And if he hadn't, it would break my heart. I finally gave myself a mental slap when I was sobbing over his old profile pictures and asked what I was gaining from all of it. This was 13 days ago, and I haven't checked FB at all, including his relationship status or anything. Yeah, reading all that back, I see how crazy it sounds. That was the final push I needed to get me to today, where I am almost over him. But oh brother, I was a mess.

 

And I would have changed the fact that I was even in the relationship, if I could go back. There were red flags in the beginning that I deliberately ignored. I won't do that again, that's for sure. But nothing else, really. I'm proud of my NC too, I called him once about ultrasound results and heard nothing. Just confirmed that I need not have anything to do with a loser like him anyway. And there's no way he can justify his actions to himself, I behaved beautifully, with dignity. That's the only eff you I'm going to give him, if he ever looks back and regrets his actions. He'll know that he behaved dishonorably, no way around it.

 

I think that after being with someone in a relationship that if you cant take the time and effort to talk to them before breaking up then you are a pretty poor individual which he clearly is the same as my ex girlfriend. I just can not see how these people think in the way they do which is perhaps a great reason for me to read what you suggested! Like you I did not want to break up and would have tried to work through anything but clearly she had no fight in her not that we had even encountered anything that took any great effort to work through!

 

Looking at the old photos does not sound crazy at all I have done the same thing and I think it is perfectly natural to do so. My ex gf left up that she was in a relationship for just over a month then changed it to single.

 

Same here if I could go back I would never have entered into a relationship with her and like you the red flags were all there but you think to yourself that everything will all be fine and that you will make it work as they feed you all the sweet nothings and false promises. He has made it patently obvious that he is a very poor example of a human being by not only his actions with regard to the relationship but upon you informing him that you are pregnant. I am very glad that you are getting over him as in your condition the last thing you need is to have any stress.

 

Are there any certain parts of ww2 history you are interested in?

[lolablue17]

About the girl, there's no point to waste time analyzing her actions. She is clearly a piece of art. I'm not envy with anyone who have her and i also don't envy her child, to be dragged into instability childhood because "mom is nuts".

 

But It's you who should be analyzed "How did you let someone like her get so near you" and how did you not identify any of this coming. You should use this episode to try to improve you radar. Don't go easy with yourself saying "It came out of the blue". Because it didn't.

[ZiggyZoo]

I think that after being with someone in a relationship that if you cant take the time and effort to talk to them before breaking up then you are a pretty poor individual which he clearly is the same as my ex girlfriend. I just can not see how these people think in the way they do which is perhaps a great reason for me to read what you suggested! Like you I did not want to break up and would have tried to work through anything but clearly she had no fight in her not that we had even encountered anything that took any great effort to work through!

 

Looking at the old photos does not sound crazy at all I have done the same thing and I think it is perfectly natural to do so. My ex gf left up that she was in a relationship for just over a month then changed it to single.

 

Same here if I could go back I would never have entered into a relationship with her and like you the red flags were all there but you think to yourself that everything will all be fine and that you will make it work as they feed you all the sweet nothings and false promises. He has made it patently obvious that he is a very poor example of a human being by not only his actions with regard to the relationship but upon you informing him that you are pregnant. I am very glad that you are getting over him as in your condition the last thing you need is to have any stress.

 

Are there any certain parts of ww2 history you are interested in?

 

That website is a lifesaver! I really found it helpful to understand the "why" of it all, especially when I was blaming myself and beating myself up. Your ex sounds emotionally unavailable too, to say the least. They really don't like putting in the effort to try to fix a relationship, they tend to run away instead. And we're left trying to figure out what WE did wrong. When it isn't us at all. My big epiphany was the other day, when I realized that my relationship would've ended due to his inability to work anything out sooner or later. His tendencies to shift blame (all his exs are crazy, according to him, which makes sense if he bailed on them too) would mean that we would have reached an impasse sometime. And it may be years from now, which is much harder to come back from. It made me feel better that I likely couldn't have prevented it, no matter what I did.

 

And he had serious commitment issues that I thought I could change his mind about. But not likely, and they had a part to play in his decision to act how he did. So I feel a lot better seeing what could have been and knowing that at least I know what he's really like now.

 

As for WW2, I'm partial to the Eastern Front. In fact, my ex and I used to talk about going to Latvia with a metal detector...that's still hard, being reminded of him every time I see someting cool to show him. Oh, I also like Rommel, I think he was a brilliant man. How about you?