Needed advice after NC

[newbie in love]

Hi guys and gals,

 

I've joined this forum after being doing the No contact challenge and would like some advice from a more neutral forum.

 

After 7 happy years my ex broke up with me. I went No contact for nearly 4 months and didn't contact her. I still thought of her but concentrated on myself like recommended but after this time I still miss her and love her and would like to try and give things another shot.

 

So at the weekend I broke my no contact and contacted her via messaging on Facebook. Just a casual how you been etc, we spoke just about work and basic things. I messaged her last night and again we spoke on films and just casual stuff.

 

Now I mentioned all this on the website where they promote No contact and people basically said that it was not a good thing to break NC as I am feeding her ego and nothing positive can come out of contacting her as it shows she is still in my head...Obviously I want to give it another go and just thought by having a casual conversations several times a week would help.

 

So what do I do? Should I just not bother and go NC again and just completely give up? Or should I message her later on the week and maybe see if she would be happy to catch up over a drink? keeping it casual, I've got my emotions in check so I won't make any silly mistakes.

 

I'm confused , I know at the moment it is me initiating everything and I'm happy to take it slow or shall I give up as if she wanted to contact me ,she would have.

 

Any advice or opinions would be greatly appreciated.

[Smarty Pants]

She broke it off. It's up to her to even bring up the possibility of getting together again.

[newbie in love]

She broke it off. It's up to her to even bring up the possibility of getting together again.

 

Yes that's what I thought, but I also thought by getting in contact with her again after 4 months , we maybe able to give it another go starting with me making the initial conversation..Or am I just wasting my time ?

[Tbisb74]

Yes, you are. Tell me, have you read the No Contact Guide on this forum? I think you will find the NC expiry date is about a week after hell freezes over....

[me85]

It depends...

 

Now as you said, people on LS are going to immediately tell you to absolutely not contact her.

 

What do you want? We live and we learn. You cannot learn unless you live. 4 months is hardly enough time to grow seperately and see where life takes the two of you...seperately.

 

What caused the BU?

 

Do you see yourself marrying her?

Edited July 28, 2014 by me85

[newbie in love]

It depends...

 

Now as you said, people on LS are going to immediately tell you to absolutely not contact her.

 

What do you want? We live and we learn. You cannot learn unless you live. 4 months is hardly enough time to grow seperately and see where life takes the two of you...seperately.

 

What caused the BU?

 

Do you see yourself marrying her?

 

I wat to be with her and yes I would like to marry her. We brought an engagement ring in February this year however I was waiting to propose when we went on our summer holiday which obviously hasn't happened.

 

Basically she felt she wasn't sure if she was in love with me anymore and after we had a break decided she wanted to end it. I am 32 and she is 30 and she felt wanted to start going out clubbing and seeing her friends more. You see, she used to suffer with depression and was out of work quite a bit however in the last year she has sorted herself with a job and I guess feels more independent in herself. Apart from one incident that happened 3 years ago we had an excellent relationship.

 

I was strick no contact for 4months and proud of myself for carrying it out so well. I just thought now the dust has settled it would be okay to contact her and maybe ask her for a drink or something to catch up on.

 

I still have the ring and some of her stuff BTW.

[Chi townD]

You cannot be friends with an Ex if you are harboring romantic feelings for her. I mean, it's pretty evident in your post where you're filling your head up with possible idea's of taking things slow and go from there. The problem is, she probably doesn't want that and you're going to get hurt again.

 

 

You can only try to be friends with an Ex when you are indifferent towards them. No other time.

[newbie in love]

You cannot be friends with an Ex if you are harboring romantic feelings for her. I mean, it's pretty evident in your post where you're filling your head up with possible idea's of taking things slow and go from there. The problem is, she probably doesn't want that and you're going to get hurt again.

 

 

You can only try to be friends with an Ex when you are indifferent towards them. No other time.

 

I know what you're saying I am hoping for a good outcome. We both have this week off so I was going to message her tomorrow asking if she fancied getting a coffee to catch up on, but what's the point...I just don't want to look back in 5 /10 years time and have the regret of not trying to get back together with her.

 

Its crazy how you can spend 7 years with someone and do so many nice things like holidays , Xmas, birthdays to be completely cut out of their life to trying to stragetise a way to speak and meet up with them.

 

Surely the worst which could happen if I contact her is she says no. She doesn't know how I'm feeling as I have kept the conversation really basic and I haven't spoken to her for 4 months so she wouldn't know if I'm hoping to give things another go or not.

[Chi townD]

Okay, you spent seven years with her. What if you do go for coffee and you talk about general crap. Then, she drops the bomb on you. She tells you she's already started dating someone else. That's going to get you upset and then you start asking stupid questions and she's going to give you answers you don't want to hear, Like she's been sleeping with him.

 

 

Then, you're going to be a basket case. Thinking that she can throw way seven years and start screwing someone else without a thought or care about your feelings (even though YOU'RE the one that wanted to meet up).

 

 

So, have fun with that. I have a feeling you're not going to like what you hear either way.

[newbie in love]

Okay, you spent seven years with her. What if you do go for coffee and you talk about general crap. Then, she drops the bomb on you. She tells you she's already started dating someone else. That's going to get you upset and then you start asking stupid questions and she's going to give you answers you don't want to hear, Like she's been sleeping with him.

 

 

Then, you're going to be a basket case. Thinking that she can throw way seven years and start screwing someone else without a thought or care about your feelings (even though YOU'RE the one that wanted to meet up).

 

 

So, have fun with that. I have a feeling you're not going to like what you hear either way.

 

Thank you for the advice. I feel in my heart it'd not worth asking her out for coffee but obviously part of me wants to, just incase things work out.

 

Have I already lost face by contacting her and breaking my no contact? Even though I didn't mention anything deep or about the relationship.

[Chi townD]

You can always go back to NC. Chances are, she won't even notice for quite some time. Sorry to say. Chances are you're not going to get that "Hey, I thought we were going to meet up for coffee?" text.

 

 

As a matter of fact, you can gage the fact that you're not going to get a text for a while as to how seriously she wanted to meet up with you. Meaning, if you don't hear back from her, then she had no interest in meet up in the first place.

[newbie in love]

You can always go back to NC. Chances are, she won't even notice for quite some time. Sorry to say. Chances are you're not going to get that "Hey, I thought we were going to meet up for coffee?" text.

 

 

As a matter of fact, you can gage the fact that you're not going to get a text for a while as to how seriously she wanted to meet up with you. Meaning, if you don't hear back from her, then she had no interest in meet up in the first place.

 

Well I haven't asked her yet and not sure if I will. I would love to but maybe she's moving on in her life as she wants to move nearer her place of work. Guess she doesn't even want her engagement ring so no point in bringing that up.

Edited July 28, 2014 by newbie in love

[SoThatHappened]

I would say that the ball is in her court.

 

Like Chi said, if you contact her, you run the risk of getting your heart smashed all over again.

 

What if she is with someone and it's getting serious?

 

I can tell you're not to the point of indifference, so I wouldn't risk it.

 

Only when you're indifferent should you make contact. Until then, the ball is in her court.

[newbie in love]

I would say that the ball is in her court.

 

Like Chi said, if you contact her, you run the risk of getting your heart smashed all over again.

 

What if she is with someone and it's getting serious?

 

I can tell you're not to the point of indifference, so I wouldn't risk it.

 

Only when you're indifferent should you make contact. Until then, the ball is in her court.

 

Yes I know what you're saying by some silly reason I want to risk it although I feel in my heart and head it is not the right thing to do. I wouldn't act all pissed off and upset in front of her or let her know in a message how I was feeling but obviously inside I would be hurting. She did intitate contact with me today but I haven't replied yet so I'm not sure if I should. Its so annoyning , I have read some couples have got it back together so there is a chance surely? I'm guessing you will say its up to her to contact me though.

[SoThatHappened]

How did she initiate contact and what was said?

[newbie in love]

How did she initiate contact and what was said?

 

 

I asked her a simple question last night along the lines of 'what did you mean,what am I doing this week or am I looking for flats?'. I wasn't sure what she meant you see, and today 24 hours later she replied 'are you looking for flats'

 

As you can see its nothing worth noting, I'm just wondered why it took her so long to reply to my question. I haven't replied yet.

 

Its was just done on Facebook messaging. Opinions guys please.

[erklat]

. Opinions guys please.

 

Stop contacting her immediately. Go back to NC and don'trrespond to small talk.

 

She's female. On top of that one that knows you. If I can gauge from the way you wrote

how invested you are, she can even better.

 

Nothing good will come out of the route you took. NC until it gives you clarity.

 

@chitown - you can't be friends with someone you have failed romantic relationship with.

[Simon Phoenix]

You are running a fool's errand by doing this. You are looking for the right combination of words/texts to manipulate her into feeling something for you. She needs to be the one to initiate this, not you. The only way you can initiate is if you truly are indifferent and don't give a s--t.

 

You are looking for us to support a really bad strategy and mindset. Ain't going to happen.

[newbie in love]

Well you've convinced me to just leave it. I won't even reply to her message. I'm not sure whether she will be bothered if I don't reply. It would be great if she messaged me again asking why didn't I reply.

 

I don't think I've lost much face breaking nc after over 90 days so I'll stop now before I ruin all the good work I have done. Hopefully this is for the best.

[hoping2heal]

Yes I know what you're saying by some silly reason I want to risk it although I feel in my heart and head it is not the right thing to do. I wouldn't act all pissed off and upset in front of her or let her know in a message how I was feeling but obviously inside I would be hurting. She did intitate contact with me today but I haven't replied yet so I'm not sure if I should. Its so annoyning , I have read some couples have got it back together so there is a chance surely? I'm guessing you will say its up to her to contact me though.

 

Hi newbie,

 

Couples do sometimes get back together. I personally know one couple who were together for about 6 years, broke up for about 4 years, and eventually reconciled and married. They now have a daughter and are very happy. Yes, this shining example does happen in real life to regular people. But, I think this is probably the one and only break up and reconciliation story I've ever known (personally - not read on a msg board/etc) that actually worked out (though I've known many reconcile stories that usually didn't last beyond 6 months average). Point being, they happen and are possible but are rare.

 

Your ex doesn't seem interested in having a romantic relationship with you, you just sound interested in having one with her. You said that she broke up with you because she no longer saw you in a romantic light. I think if this is the case your chances are slim to none. Once you stop being able to see someone in the romantic sense it's really hard to recover from that.

 

You can certainly risk it since you've already broken NC, but if you decide you need to follow through then I strongly recommend you brace yourself because I don't think you're going to get the response you want. You will be crushed if you do not - but can you take that crushing moment and use it as closure (e.g. I know with finality we'll never get back together) or is it just going to send you spiraling to the depths?

 

Think about that

[Simon Phoenix]

Hi newbie,

 

Couples do sometimes get back together. I personally know one couple who were together for about 6 years, broke up for about 4 years, and eventually reconciled and married. They now have a daughter and are very happy. Yes, this shining example does happen in real life to regular people. But, I think this is probably the one and only break up and reconciliation story I've ever known (personally - not read on a msg board/etc) that actually worked out (though I've known many reconcile stories that usually didn't last beyond 6 months average). Point being, they happen and are possible but are rare.

 

Your ex doesn't seem interested in having a romantic relationship with you, you just sound interested in having one with her. You said that she broke up with you because she no longer saw you in a romantic light. I think if this is the case your chances are slim to none. Once you stop being able to see someone in the romantic sense it's really hard to recover from that.

 

You can certainly risk it since you've already broken NC, but if you decide you need to follow through then I strongly recommend you brace yourself because I don't think you're going to get the response you want. You will be crushed if you do not - but can you take that crushing moment and use it as closure (e.g. I know with finality we'll never get back together) or is it just going to send you spiraling to the depths?

 

Think about that

 

I've been to two weddings in the past year of couples that have reconciled and succeeded and are happy. So it does happen. But it's rare like you said and in both cases, there was significant periods of No Contact and it was the dumper that reinitiated the reconciliation. Tooling around and orbiting like the OP seems to want to do is a first-class ticket to nowhere.

[newbie in love]

Hi newbie,

 

Couples do sometimes get back together. I personally know one couple who were together for about 6 years, broke up for about 4 years, and eventually reconciled and married. They now have a daughter and are very happy. Yes, this shining example does happen in real life to regular people. But, I think this is probably the one and only break up and reconciliation story I've ever known (personally - not read on a msg board/etc) that actually worked out (though I've known many reconcile stories that usually didn't last beyond 6 months average). Point being, they happen and are possible but are rare.

 

Your ex doesn't seem interested in having a romantic relationship with you, you just sound interested in having one with her. You said that she broke up with you because she no longer saw you in a romantic light. I think if this is the case your chances are slim to none. Once you stop being able to see someone in the romantic sense it's really hard to recover from that.

 

You can certainly risk it since you've already broken NC, but if you decide you need to follow through then I strongly recommend you brace yourself because I don't think you're going to get the response you want. You will be crushed if you do not - but can you take that crushing moment and use it as closure (e.g. I know with finality we'll never get back together) or is it just going to send you spiraling to the depths?

 

Think about that

 

Great advice , thank you. I don't think she was 100% in wanting to finish with me IMO. That's kind of what I want ,knowing that I gave it 100% to win her back even if it doesn't work out.

 

I just think of all these happy memories and things we done together, I wish I could take a pill to forget all about those memories .

[hoping2heal]

Great advice , thank you. I don't think she was 100% in wanting to finish with me IMO. That's kind of what I want ,knowing that I gave it 100% to win her back even if it doesn't work out.

 

I just think of all these happy memories and things we done together, I wish I could take a pill to forget all about those memories .

 

It's been 4 months and it was you who contacted her, pretty safe bet that she was 100% in wanting to finish with you.

 

Break ups are hard usually on both people (unless you're dating a psychopath, a sociopath, a narcissist, a vine hopper, or are one of the above yourself in which the dumper is glad to be rid of you).

 

It's not fun to know you're hurting another person, and the dumper is giving up the security and comfort of the relationship too. Which is why you get those scenarios where the dumper panics and wants ex back but it's a fluke and turns out, the dumper was just having security issues and nothing has really changed and so ensues breakup number 2 (or 3, or 4... for those adventurous ones).

 

Point being, if she can go 4 months being totally okay with no contact from you - she was pretty darn certain because she would have contacted you by now.

[Tbisb74]

....I just think of all these happy memories and things we done together, I wish I could take a pill to forget all about those memories .

 

Why would you? You should cherish them and use them to bolster the makings of a better person. I was in a bad marriage, but every part of it served to help me evolve into the person I am, good memories or otherwise. You should be grateful you had the health and mind to be able to do all those things and to LIVE. Now quit clinging to desperate hope, shut the door, close the book, finish the pie and move on. Go full, complete No Contact and leave this one behind. It's over, done with. There's no point being an ass about it.

[newbie in love]

Why would you? You should cherish them and use them to bolster the makings of a better person. I was in a bad marriage, but every part of it served to help me evolve into the person I am, good memories or otherwise. You should be grateful you had the health and mind to be able to do all those things and to LIVE. Now quit clinging to desperate hope, shut the door, close the book, finish the pie and move on. Go full, complete No Contact and leave this one behind. It's over, done with. There's no point being an ass about it.

 

She is happy to meet up this week and grab a bite to eat. Not sure why, probably just that , catch up. I'm just going to play it cool , all the conversations we have had, have been just general cool stuff nothing about the past.

 

Would you still meet up with her, I'm up for it but not going to get my hopes up. Just be happy and go with the flow.