Do I accept her apology?

[Thames Dweller]

Hey Folks,

 

Would just like to canvass your opinions on my situation, one that I've recently written about on this forum.

 

My ex sent me a chain of text messages a few nights ago in the early hours of a morning where she makes an apology about how she last spoke to me which in all honesty was extremely profane and rude and in a way I would never expected of her. She also states that she'd handled and managed the break up 'wrongly'.

 

To cut a long story short, we were a couple for more than 2yrs but in the last 4-6 months of the relationship her feelings changed for me and she grew distant to a point where she cheated on me, which of course is inexcusable. I tried to forgive and work on the relationship but in the end we couldn't make it work. we broke up about 2 months ago and I know she is already in a

relationship and seemingly moved on.

 

As time has passed I too have began to feel better but not completely over it yet, I always believed I would marry her so it is taking me longer to move on. Since the break up, we have been no contact but her recent correspondence has thrown me somewhat.

 

Do I forgive silently, let her know I forgive her, agree with her comments that she handled the break up poorly, rip her a new ass hole or just ignore completely? very confused.

 

I obviously care about her and I am extremely angry for how she behaved and treated me and I am aware that we are not compatible.

 

I'm just struggling to understand what her motives are? are they sincere sentiments, guilt, is she angling to get back in my life, trying to forgive herself, move on, etc...

 

As a side comment, I have just noticed also that she seems to have unblocked me on social media platforms as I've come across comments popping up on my photo's that once were missing!

 

Anyway, lets hear your opinions / discussions, look forward to seeing what you guys think!

[aisuru]

Tell her you forgive her and wish her well, that you would appreciate if she no longer contacted you.

 

It shouldn't matter what she has to say or anything else beyond that.

[BustedUpInside]

Do you want to accept her apology? Have you forgiven her?

[Thames Dweller]

Hey BustedUpInside,

 

I have forgiven her because it was important for me to do so in moving on but I never told her I forgive her. two months ago when we last spoke is when she used very nasty and hurtful language, I wished her well and didn't return the nasty and hurtful vitriol and left it at that. it's only now she has come back with a softer approach.

[BustedUpInside]

Well then, if letting her know that you have forgiven her will help you heal the rest of the way then you should go ahead and go with a simple response. Thank her and let her know that you are doing ok and that you expect that this will be the last communication so you are happy that it could end on a peaceful note.

[Hopeinme]

Its nice to know that you did not resort to the profanities. I think that you should just ignore the message right now if you are completely taken aback since replying her might cause you to have that whirlwind of emotions coming back again. Hope you get better

[crazy1234]

i think forgive her..BUT in ur heart silently..she did what she had to..and u didnt matter to her anymore back than..now shez probably seeing the dark side of her new relationship and wants some closure from u..forgive her only for ur ownself..and tell her..never to contact with u again..basicly..i dont think ppl who treat u like trash just cuz some1 new and nice drops in should deserve answers or replies..silence is the best treatment!..point is..forgive her..bt u dont need to tell her that.

[Thames Dweller]

Hi Hopeinme,

 

Thanks for your message and chipping in with your thoughts.

 

I've been getting better and no contact thing works as tough as it has been to practice but i do feel better; appetite has returned and i'm sleeping a lot better but im not fully over it yet. i still think she has a pull over me at times.

 

thanks for your contribution.

[Thames Dweller]

hey crazy1234,

 

its what i've done up till now but things are different maybe because she has apologised where as she didn't before. who know what her motive are however?

 

i forgave because i felt i had too to move on.

 

thanks for sharing your thoughts.

[Hopeinme]

I completely understand how you feel. Its been a month since i broke up and i just stopped medication and sleeping pills. I decided that it was up to me to make things better, so i stopped everything and decided that i had to learn to deal with the pain so that i could get over it faster. Give yourself time and let yourself heal. I think about my ex lots too, but tell yourself that we have to pull ourselves up! ?

[Thames Dweller]

Hi Alexandra,

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

The last time I actually spoke with her, I did do what you say to do in your message and at which point she turned very nasty. I told her exactly how I felt and what I thought and she responded in a very hurtful manner. I forgave her as I felt i needed too to move on but it might be what she wants from me now, to actually tell her and let her know i forgive her. who knows?

[Hopeinme]

I think the NC rule is very very tough and i have been so tempted to break it , but talking to ur ex again is going to hurt you more, open up new wounds and there wont be a clear end to this. You have to let it go.

[Thames Dweller]

not sure i understand what you mean Alexandra but i guess your're right about actions speaking louder than words.

[Larry56]

I would do the following;

 

Accept partial responsibility for the breakup. Tell her that you understand that her needs were not being met and that you understand that you pushed her into the arms of another man. The fact is;

 

Woman don't cheat unless their needs aren't being met. They aren't like men.

 

Seriously, if you do that you are validating her feelings and she will more likely open up to you in the future if things go awry with the new BF. You have a much better chance of getting back together in the future if that happens (even if you've moved on inside)

 

Be a man bro

[Thames Dweller]

Hi Larry, appreciate your opinion, don't agree with it necessarily.

 

I don't feel I have to validate her feelings, I owe her nothing. I agree relationships tend to go wrong because both parties screwed up, i have my regrets and I've expressed those to her months ago but it doesnt excuse her actions, never had a gun to her head so to speak.

 

Thanks for your contribution all the same.

[Thames Dweller]

Simply speaking, No!

 

But this is not to do with trust so much or even reconciliation. I have as much closure as I'll ever have from this, not all truths will ever be exposed in any break up. its more to do with understanding her motives behind her text messages and whether I should engage in dialogue and let her know I forgive her, even if it is to make her feel better. I forgave her to make me feel better and move on, not so she could feel better or guilt free.

[Ordinaryday]

depends on WHY she is offering you the apology: there are usually two reasons a dumper apologises to a dumpee - the more common popular reason is that although THEY DON'T WANT YOU BACK they are feeling guilty for dumping you and the way they treated you and it is weighing on their mind so EVEN THOUGH THEY NO LONGER WANT YOU IN THEIR LIFE they want to offer you a half-assed apology which IS NOT FOR YOUR BENEFIT, it is for theirs, because by apologising they will no longer feel guilty about what they did.

 

the second reason is they realise now what an amazing catch you were and they legitimately want you back and to make amends. THIS IS MUCH RARER.

 

the first reason has happened to me A LOT, the second has NEVER happened to me.

 

if it is the first reason I would ignore her, if it is the second reason I would consider getting back together with her if she could prove to me that things would be different. however, I have no desire to help my ex feel less guilty, so I am not going to accept any apology from her just to help her sleep better at night.

[Thames Dweller]

Hi Ordinaryday,

 

Thanks for your thoughts. In all honesty, I have no Idea what her intentions are. I agree in that I have no desire to help in her healing by casually granting her forgiveness, not my role any longer to make her feel better or good. What I mentioned in one of my earlier posts was that she seems to have opened channels of communications in the last few days, just before I got the apology, through social media as I noticed old messages popping up that up until were hidden. But I also know social media is stupid way of measuring some ones intent.

 

So far I have not responded to her messages. I have forgiven her but never shared that sentiment as it was something i needed to do for myself.

 

I feel I have begun moving on, feel better with each passing week but naturally I am curious as to what she wants from me.

 

Anyway, thanks for chipping in with your thoughts, much appreciated.

[siankat]

Honestly...here is my take if this were me, from both sides.

 

If had done what she did, it would be a case of, the dust has now settled, i am happy, i want to make amends in my own mind as how can i be a good person knowing i haven't tried to apologise for treating someone, a person close to me no less, so badly. Hence i am reaching out with an apology to make myself feel better as the guilt has been nagging at me. Also, i have a bit of an ego and i am curious about you and how you have managed to handle this so seemingly well.

 

Now Thames Dweller if i were in your shoes here's what i'd be thinking;

 

I want to be the bigger person. Being that bigger person has helped me maintain my dignity throughout this, respect her decision, and heal using no contact. If i don't reply in some form, i am showing i care, and i am begin unnecessarily petty. However! I am who is most important here. I do not have to respond to her whims anymore, i owe her nothing, i wish i had it in me to respond but i know that as i still have residual feelings, opening any lines of communication will just perhaps leave me wanting for more and i cannot take that chance. I cannot put my mental health at risk here.

 

Lastly, when an ex didn't break up in the most considerate way, any contact thereafter is unlikely to truly have your best interests at heart and therefore once again, is all about them and what they need now. You do not need the same thing. You are not in a relationship with this person. They are responsible for them, you are no longer in their life to appease them. It's not tit for tat, it's about self preservation in a circumstance where you have every imperative to do so without feeling guilty!

[Larry56]

Hi Larry, appreciate your opinion, don't agree with it necessarily.

 

I don't feel I have to validate her feelings, I owe her nothing. I agree relationships tend to go wrong because both parties screwed up, i have my regrets and I've expressed those to her months ago but it doesnt excuse her actions, never had a gun to her head so to speak.

 

Thanks for your contribution all the same.

 

 

Well like I said, women don't cheat for the same reasons us men do. You have to acknowledge you're partially to blame if you DO EVER want another shot at being with this lady. I'm not saying you HAVE to do this but how will she ever justify it to herself in the future that she feels comfortable being in a relationship with you if you're still angry that she "left you for another man" opposed to "understanding that her needs weren't being met at the time because of YOU".

 

My ex left me for another man, am I angry at her? Nope. I don't need to be because I recognize that *I* drove her into the arms of another man - because I was not *there* for her and HE was. Being a man is about recognizing your shortcomings and communicating them back to your partner.

[Thames Dweller]

Hi siankat,

 

Thank you for your thoughts and insight.

 

Of course I still carry residual feelings for her and managing those feelings certainly has been the most challenging aspect over the course of my recovery but I feel better for not having not engaged with her since our break up, it has speeded up the process of healing.

 

I do feel I have conducted myself with dignity and even in my last conversation with her, I wished her best even though she was really vicious which was unlike her.

 

You are right however, not my responsibility to appease her any longer or absolve her of any guilt. I have forgiven her I said but never shared that with her.

 

As for her intentions, You could be right in suggesting its to free herself of guilt. Just confuses me when it seems she is attempting to open lines of communications. It was her who said she's moved on so no idea why she is revisiting?

 

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts.

 

Great to read about the varying opinions and suggestions.

[siankat]

If had done what she did, it would be a case of, the dust has now settled, i am happy, i want to make amends in my own mind as how can i be a good person knowing i haven't tried to apologise for treating someone, a person close to me no less, so badly. Hence i am reaching out with an apology to make myself feel better as the guilt has been nagging at me. Also, i have a bit of an ego and i am curious about you and how you have managed to handle this so seemingly well.

 

 

Do not go searching in the closet to find the boogy man, he's not there.

[big bear]

My suggestion:

 

I forgive you and if you want to make it up to me, "------------------(Specify if you want NC or LC)-----" and if you never treat anyone this way again.

[Thunderchild]

Ignore it - you owe her nothing! If she felt that something was wrong/missing from your relationship then it was up to her to talk to you about it. You are not a mind reader. She is meant to be an adult and as an adult should be expected to accept responsiblity for her behaviour and actions.

 

She cheated - end of. She knew what she was doing, she knew it was wrong, she knew that it would hurt you - but, she did it just the same.

 

Ditch, forget and move on.

[crazy1234]

what i would say is just one thing..let it be..dont go into that abyss and hell again..its only gonna hurt u..stay away..u dont need to tell her anything..simply never talk to her again..leave things as they are and dont linger it anymore..it never ends well..past should b left far behind.