Blindsided

[js1967]

Hello,

 

My first post here. I want to say I have read through many threads here and already am getting some help dealing with a blindsided breakup.

 

I was in an almost 3 year relationship with a very nice woman. We never argued, never raised a voice at each other. For the past month she seemed to be growing more distant. Rather then addressing it, I just floated along.

 

Anyway, this past V Day, I got her a dozen roses, stopped by her work and gave them to her. She gave me kind of a brotherly hug and just laid the roses down on a chair. It was brief and a little cold. My whole time I was with her, I lived on and off with her during the week and had many cloths there. She mentioned "dont you want to take some of your cloths home?" You have so many here." This was yet another sign I disregarded.

 

I came to my own house, texted her, called her, no answer. It seemed very strange, we talked every day. Finally the next day after reaching out to her again, she called me back. She was very brief, she said she had been thinking about this for a while and she needed space, she said she was considering moving, selling her business, wasnt sure what she wanted. She quoted her Mother who said "you have to make yourself happy.".

 

I asked her, So, are you breaking up with me? She said Yes...Then she said she wanted to go before she started crying, and hung up. I initially tried calling, texting, pleading, and I feel a bit selfish in my efforts, because I need to know why. Obviously I am blaming myself.

 

 

When I first met her, she was coming off a divorce where she said she didnt do much of anything and I was the second guy she had met. She didnt have a relationship with the guy before me, but she said after her divorce she went into a "leave me alone state and didnt socialize or go out anywhere with anyone."

 

Im reading alot about no contacting. Im struggling with that. But Really because I was blindsided...I am desperately seeking closure on this.

 

Why did it happen? Did she meet someone else? Did I fall short? How do I get this closure?

 

My other question on no contact, Im still friends with her on facebook, Its like I wait to see a post anything, but there has been nothing. Something is telling me, just cut her off completly. If I defriend her, is that the nail in the coffin for any chance of getting back together?

 

Any helpful words would be appreciated. Be blunt and straight up as I do need some help here.

 

Thanks

[Yamcha]

It coulda been anything. She might have still been rebounding off the divorce and just staying with you for fear of being alone. She could just want to see if the grass is greener on the other side. Don't wreck your brain trying to figure it out. If she broke up with you, she ain't right for you, at least not at this time.

 

Cutting all contact with her is absolutely the best option. No checking facebook, numbers deleted, everything that reminds you of her boxed up put away (never to be seen again, Lost Ark Style). Whether this will jeopardize your chances of getting back with her are irrelevant, because continuing contact will be torture. Take it from me.

 

But still, don't beat yourself up for begging and pleading. It happens to the best of us. Just learn that it's not the best course of action and correct yourself in the future. A hard road lies before you. But you can beat it. Good luck.

[geegirl]

Your story is eerily similar to what a friend of mine is going through. Same concerns and thoughts as you have pertaining to closure. As much as he tried to get answers, nothing she gave him allowed him to tie up the loose ends in his mind.

 

While the relationship was good in your eyes, it certainly wasn't in hers for her own reasons. Whatever the truth maybe as to why she ended, you most likely will never know and even if you did, it wouldn't change the situation that you are in.

 

Your closure is accepting the fact that she does not want the relationship. Period.

 

She's ended the relationship. That is your nail in the coffin. FB doesn't secure the possibility of reconciliation. You're placing too much emphasis on the future of reconciliation by keeping a lifeline going on a social site. Can you see how warped that is? If she wants to get back with you, she will come back to you, regardless of whether you both are FB friends or not.

 

FB will keep you attached, and not in a healthy way but in a way that will keep breaking your emotional and mental health piece by piece. And god forbid you see her with another man on there. What's even worse is when posters beat the living daylights out of their minds when they try to decipher posts from the ex that they believe have some meaning to their break-up. It's not worth it.

 

The relationship has ended. Accept it. My friend is doing better. When it all happened, he sounded just like you. Two weeks have gone by and he is finding some balance. It's hard now because it just happened and you feel you've been hit by a 2x4. The knot on your head will soon subside, it hurts but if you engage with that 2x4 any more, you'll keep getting hurt.

Edited February 22, 2013 by geegirl

[js1967]

WOW, Two great responses and both have helped. thank you very much.

 

Im sitting here struggling hitting the defreind button on facebook.

 

Part of me wants to show her, I will be ok and move on. But if i ever saw her with another guy...although I guess i would be happy for her, it would just crush me. I think she stalks me though and I am wondering if that facebook open link is the last thread that could possibly leave a crack in the door.

 

To be honest I dont know if I want her back, I like being in a relationship and I loved being with her. I dont know if i would want to be with her if she did this. while Im an understanding and patient guy, I dont think I deserved to be hurt.

 

I guess closure would be nice so I can learn from it and improve myself. Im a big boy i can listen to concerns.

 

Gosh I could go on and on about this.

 

I almost wish I knew if she found another guy, I can almost except that as a reason. Right now, Im blaming myself and typically I am a very secure person. Not so much right now and this is a new feeling for me.

 

Anyway, if anyone else can give me some words I appreciate it. Dont hold back please , bluntness is best.

 

Thank you

[js1967]

geegirl, Im going to think about the facebook thing this weekend, and make a move sunday evening. Im heavily leaning towards just cutting that friendship on the social network. Thank you very much for your words.!

[geegirl]

The only thing that FB does is that it gives you an awesome mindf***. There is no need to make statements when in making that statement, all you are doing is hurting yourself. What's the point? It' sjust self-destructive. It doesn't do you one good and trust that she's not even worrying about this whole FB situation as you are. It's all in your head.

 

If you want to show someone you are okay and moving on, disengage. Not only does it give them zero access into your life, it keeps them wondering and at some point piques their curiosity. Being predictable and playing cat and mouse games on FB only enables negative emotions and bad behavior.

 

Most times, people struggle with FB until they get tired of being sick and tired. I hope you find your way through this.

[geegirl]

geegirl, Im going to think about the facebook thing this weekend, and make a move sunday evening. Im heavily leaning towards just cutting that friendship on the social network. Thank you very much for your words.!

 

Sure, take your time. These things are difficult and sometimes you have to go through the process. For now, try to stay away fro FB and keep yourself busy. You'll do the right thing when it's time.

[Yamcha]

Don't think about it, don't put a deadline on it. Just do it. Hit that defriend button. The more you agonize over it, the harder it's gonna be.

 

And one thing I learned is this: even if you know she's in a relationship with someone else, checking her facebook and having it confirmed is like a Ric Flair chest chop straight to the heart. Wooooo! Don't put yourself through that. I did, and it ain't fun.

 

Guys have an ego where they think everything they're doing is rational and the best course of action. And we'll steadfastly stay on this course, even if it leads us straight off a cliff. Fact is, we're susceptible to emotions that cloud our judgements just as much as the craziest drama queen. And because we're men, we deny the hell outta it out of pride. Just admit that your desire to stay in contact with her is based on emotions that are just gonna lead to more pain. And use this awareness to deny them and cut off the source of them.

[js1967]

Awesome stuff here, I am so thankful for this, I swear Im one minute away from pushing that defriend button.

 

I feel like I am cutting off my chances at showing her, Hey Im just fine without you though.

 

Im feeling rather vengeful and I do not like it. Dam this sux.

 

Oh, and I mentioned this in another thread, I do viral marketing for a living, so I kinda work on facebook. She rarely posts anything and is rather private, but she lurks and reads.

 

This is a terrible statement and I am almost ashamed to type it but I have the urge from being hurt, go out find some pretty woman and ask if I can take a picture with her and post it. I am not that type of person but thats what I feel like doing.

 

Once again, thank you to all for your insight. Im reading every word , listening and considering.

[geegirl]

Your last post reeks of an ego that is bruised. But I understand that!

 

Trust me, at some point, your ego will heal and living your life well won't be something you will need to announce to her. You'll just live it for you.

 

If you have to subtly poke at her because you need to make a point, even if that point is a facade, then you're doing yourself a severe injustice by lying to yourself and allowing her to control YOU and how you are ACTUALLY living it.

[js1967]

Your last post reeks of an ego that is bruised. But I understand that!

 

Trust me, at some point, your ego will heal and living your life well won't be something you will need to announce to her. You'll just live it for you.

 

If you have to subtly poke at her because you need to make a point, even if that point is a facade, then you're doing yourself a severe injustice by lying to yourself and allowing her to control YOU and how you are ACTUALLY living it.

 

Thank you very very much! She is deleted, blocked, gone.

 

Now, when she discovers she has been removed and blocked....

 

Humor me here, what do you think she is gonna think? I am not a hurtful person. I typed a few vengeful thoughts, but I do not nor would I ever want to hurt her.

 

Did I just hurt her, will she even care?

[geegirl]

Thank you very very much! She is deleted, blocked, gone.

 

Now, when she discovers she has been removed and blocked....

 

Humor me here, what do you think she is gonna think? I am not a hurtful person. I typed a few vengeful thoughts, but I do not nor would I ever want to hurt her.

 

Did I just hurt her, will she even care?

 

 

JS, she is emotionally detached from you. We often project how we feel about a scenario on someone else based on our feelings.

 

Do you actually believe that she will feel hurt about a silly thing like unfriending her on FB when she had no problems ending a relationship, cutting ties and removing your from her life. Let's try to weigh this. I see the scales tipping.

 

I don't think it will hurt her as in cause her pain but it may cause her to ponder to a certain degree. I don't think it will weigh on her as much as it does on you. It could be very fleeting for her.

[js1967]

JS, she is emotionally detached from you. We often project how we feel about a scenario on someone else based on our feelings.

 

Do you actually believe that she will feel hurt about a silly thing like unfriending her on FB when she had no problems ending a relationship, cutting ties and removing your from her life. Let's try to weigh this. I see the scales tipping.

 

I don't think it will hurt her as in cause her pain but it may cause her to ponder to a certain degree. I don't think it will weigh on her as much as it does on you. It could be very fleeting for her.

 

Well I dont want to hurt her. I have been blindsided by all this, and after some deep consideration, some serious research on line on do donts whys etc...Im a big boy, I know I wasnt making her happy in one way or another.

 

Im just trying to pick myself up here , deal with cards I didnt ask for or expect to be delt to me. I am very much an optimist.

 

I almost wonder if she will think "good' maybe he will actually leave me alone."

 

man this is tough, 3 years of a great person, great relationship, just GONE.

 

You are right this is rather numbing.

 

I do have a question for you Geegirl...What makes you say she is emotionally unattached? Can you define that a bit for me? From a guys standpoint, I am having a hardtime understanding what that even means?

 

Thank you!

[geegirl]

I do have a question for you Geegirl...What makes you say she is emotionally unattached? Can you define that a bit for me? From a guys standpoint, I am having a hardtime understanding what that even means?

 

Thank you!

 

The way she was behaving in the end. It seems that she was emotionally detaching from you, her feelings were changing for you. Her investment was waning. You said for about a month she seemed distant. Dumpers don't just wake up one day and walk out. She was detaching long before the break-up.

[js1967]

She did say she had been thinking about it for a couple weeks.

 

She did become more and more distant.

 

Im thinking she is taking this break up a little better then me because she came to her own choice to do it, get the strength to do it...was short to the point and outside of two short texts, Its like I do not exist to her anymore. It is almost bizzare!

 

what is really strange is, I got her a dozen red roses for valentines day, It seem to trigger the break up. It happened the next day. I dont get it.

 

Hey and talk about a bad day...LOL... I get a flat tire in the morning, I change to the spare, Im driving to the tire store to get it fixed, my other tire blows out! talk about bad luck, then later, next afternoon the breakup phonecall.

[geegirl]

"Girls very rarely act impulsively when they break up with their partner. We think about it, we weigh pro's and con's and by the time we pull the plug, it's because we're tired of whatever it is you're doing, we've lost the feeling for you and we'd rather be alone than with you." ~ Katzee (poster on LS)

 

The above is a comment that rings true. You exist to her but not in the emotional sense and that is why it is easy for her to move on. It isn't bizarre in the slightest bit because dumpers have, and long before the breakup, dealt with their emotions and reached a point of indifference. You feel it is bizarre, because again, you are viewing from your emotional bubble.

 

I think the roses brought on guilt. It probably was the breaking point and she realized that she just had to tell you. Valentine's day is about love and blah, blah and she didn't have it in her and it more than likely reinforced her feelings of wanting to get out.

 

That's not too bad compared to seeing your boyfriend humping a bar fly in her car. On New Years Eve, just after midnight! I'll take four flat tires please!! Not to discount your pain but no matter how it's done, it's painful.

[adelia]

"Girls very rarely act impulsively when they break up with their partner. We think about it, we weigh pro's and con's and by the time we pull the plug, it's because we're tired of whatever it is you're doing, we've lost the feeling for you and we'd rather be alone than with you." ~ Katzee (poster on LS)

 

Omg this is so true! Everyone has a different threshold for what they will put up with but I think in the end there's that last straw that end it. Probably true for men too. It's the point where feelings can never be reversed

[js1967]

The roses triggered it, finally telling her she had better just get on with dumping me.

 

This makes sense. She didnt get me anything, I got a brotherly hug at best after I gave them to her. She is not a hurtful person, she probaly thought I better get on with this.

 

Well I dont know.

 

Just yesterday I got two boxes of cloths UPS to me. Cloths all folded, everything. No note, no text to see if I got them. It was very cold feeling.

 

So in general, she made up her mind a while ago, she just finally did it.

 

So I can assume she doesnt love me anymore?

[geegirl]

So I can assume she doesnt love me anymore?

 

No one can tell you what she feels, JS. But by the looks of it, she isn't emotionally invested or involved anymore. I'm sure there is a part of her that cares for you but not in any form of romantic love.

[js1967]

" I'm sure there is a part of her that cares for you but not in any form of romantic love."

 

Gosh that one stung me a bit, but I appreciate you being upfront with the insight.

 

I guess Im just mad that Im made to feel this way while it seems she just gets to unplug and go on with her life.

 

Im fighting texting her right now and telling her how I feel about this entire situation. Im actually wanting her to feel guilty.

[geegirl]

" I'm sure there is a part of her that cares for you but not in any form of romantic love."

 

Gosh that one stung me a bit, but I appreciate you being upfront with the insight.

 

I guess Im just mad that Im made to feel this way while it seems she just gets to unplug and go on with her life.

 

Im fighting texting her right now and telling her how I feel about this entire situation. Im actually wanting her to feel guilty.

 

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

 

I know you feel mad but relationships are a risk, JS. It doesn't guarantee "forever" because people can change, and so will their feelings, desires, wants and needs. With that, comes the risk we take.

 

Please don't text her. It won't make her feel guilty. I will tell you what it will do. She's in a place of indifference. She will most likely roll her eyes, wish you could just get over it and leave her alone.

 

It's a waste of time to get her to validate your hurt. And even if she did respond to your messages, anything she says, good or bad, will make you feel bad. What's worse, is that if she ignores you. Then you will be climbing up the walls, one for being ignored and two for sitting eagerly waiting for a response.

 

Any scenario you pick = Pain

[js1967]

well I had a huge text typed out , I read it, read it again, and then deleted it.

 

I just have a hard time imagining that she can be so indifferent to all of this.

 

I know its me casting the way I am feeling about her and this situation. as A guy, and I think a lot of guys are like this, they need some sort of closure to move on.

 

Not only has she asked me to leave her alone, but all points on this site, which have been very helpful! Tell me not to contact her.

 

 

I guess Im just more confused and frustrated then I am heartbroken at this point. Im not going to love somebody if they dont want me back and lord, if she tries to continue this relationship down the road...why in the world do I want to be with somebody who would do this.

 

 

I just signed up for match.com. Im getting right back on the horse. I do not want any relationship for a while, but it would be nice to have some conversation and maybe a movie.

[geegirl]

The quote from Katz, read it over and over again and let it sink in. She processed and came to terms with her feelings a long time ago. It's quite the opposite for you. Imagine if you lost feelings for someone and you ended it with them, imagine that indifference. Imagine that detachment. There maybe some level of empathy there but you would most likely step away from a situation that may cause you discomfort 1) knowing you are causing someone hurt 2) not wanting to feel guilt 3) feeling that it is better to NC and let the person go.

 

She's doing you a favor. You don't want a dumper keeping contact because that only keeps you in limbo.

 

It's not just guys that want closure, women too. PEOPLE need closure because they cannot let go. They cannot accept the rejection. They cannot fathom the whys.

 

You move on because you accept that she does not want to be in a relationship anymore because she wants to be alone. Why she wants to be alone when it was so good? Maybe in your eyes. But those same feelings you have, unfortunately have transformed into something else for her which just does not allow her to participate in the union anymore.

 

Don't contact her. As a woman, I will tell you that it is unattractive when a man won't accept the break-up. You appear strong when you respect the situation as is, you respect her request for no contact and move on. It will empower you as well.

 

I don't know why you signed up for Match. I can only think it's because your ego is bruised and you need attention to feel validated again. Please, feel your pain and heal from this. The worse thing you can ever do is jump on the horse again because when your mind is emotionally muddled, you will tend to make bad mistakes out there in the dating world. Why? Because you are looking for something, someone, anyone to fill that void. Plus, you are completely useless to anyone that is coming to the table emotionally healthy. You have nothing to give because your heart hasn't even mended from your past ex.

 

I bet you tell a girl on the first date you broke up a week ago, she'll toss your butt to the curb. No one wants to deal with that mess. Aside from that, be alone. Spend that time working on yourself and healing. Make friends. Go to meetup.com. Don't seek friendships on dating sites. Go to a movie alone. Enjoy your own company. Have a meal with a book at a nice restaurant. When you're fit and able emotionally and mentally, then get back on that horse. Too fast, too soon.

Edited February 22, 2013 by geegirl

[todreaminblue]

to me no contact is final,if a woman quotes her mum in that happiness thing, i think she is really insecure about her own feelings and uses her mum to back up that because she isnt sure of what she feels herself so obviously she has been discussing this with her mother......thsi could go either way fro you ......if she comes back she is sure of what she feels for you if she doesnt she never was sure, my advice is let her decide

 

 

 

 

.........but what is more important, is are you willing to wait, and what are the extent of yoru feelings......you work on them adn make your decision because her indecision has now confused you....indecision is contagious......you cant control another's feelings action..ever..the theory i s....to every action there is an equal and opposite reaction...your reaction should be to take your time finding out what you really desire...as should she....ever...you can only deal with you.....so stay strong and sure of what you have to give ....and heopfully she realizes this....if she doesnt some other woman will recognize what you have to offer in regards to commitment, take your time making a decision, there are no time limits into being decisive.sometimes it takes a little cdoubt to fully understadn what you are in for or what you truly wish to have......follow your heart....i hope everything works out for the best ...for you....and for her.....best of luck ..i know blind sided sucks.deb

[js1967]

Ive gotten some great advice here today.

 

My Guy friends, all of them have told me to get over it, go find somebody else.

 

Ill seriously reconsider the match thing.

 

Thank you!