Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I've come here because I just need to write my story down and have some feedback. I'll try to keep it shortish. Last New Years Day 2012 I broke up with my boyfriend of nearly a year and a half who I practically lived with. Whilst it was sad I knew it was for the best and I generally felt relieved. During this time I began spending a lot of time with a male friend of mine- he was better friends with my housemates but he started inviting me to the cinema taking me to gigs texting all the time. After about a month and a half I realised I had developed feelings for him. I told him and that evening we ended up together and became inseparable. The first few months were ecstatic I fell head over heels and had never been treated so wonderfully by a man before. Sadly I had a number of other events going on in my life- my parents had recently separated and I had lost contact with my dad, my grandmother died, my sister was knocked out with glandular fever and became very depressed and a good friend I had met through my previous ex died of cancer and it looked like i may be losing my job. It was a very hard time and almost impossible to not let it creep into my relationship I became quite angry and lethargic my boyfriends attempts to cheer me up after the death of my friend involved sending me funny youtube links. I started to feel a bit resentful and during this time began thinking of my previous ex and kind of missing him. I became colder with my boyfriend and the more I did it the harder he tried. After a particularly distant night in November he emailed me the next day and asked if I was OK and was I stressing him out. We then embarked on a series of emails in which we decided to have space and see each other at the end of the week. When we met up we made the mutual decision to separate. He needed some support in his life and I couldn't give it to him as I was falling apart and trying to cope with my own stuff. I felt fine for the first week I;d done the right thing. As one week turned into two I suddenly realised I had made a complete mistake. Having been given some room to think about the other stuff in my life I began to realise how much I loved him and his love and support were actually the best things in my life. After 3/4 weeks it came to light he was already seeing other girls dating and sleeping with some of them. When I found this out I lost it I sent him some awful abusive emails. Although i have apologised and he is trying to be civil to me I know he was extremely angry about it. Skip forward a few months and just when I thought i was starting to move forward he came to my house to pick up my housemate for a run. It was like being mowed down by a truck. I spent all day crying again yesterday. I am sitting at work writing here because I cannot get it out of my head. Every time I have a memory come to mind I feel like I am falling through the floor. I can't work, eat, sleep. I am doing exercise and going out as often as I can find someone to go out with. It is all a facade. I have completely lost my sense of identity lost a phenomenal amount of weight barely had contact with my family since Xmas . I have asked that he doesn't come to the house again as it is just too hard. I also know he is seeing a new girl he is quite into and it makes me want to tear my hair out. I have only felt pain like this once and that was with my first love. Friends seem to be of the opinion that I should pull myself together that I am being over emotional and dramatic. I feel like no one understands. He is still friends with all my friends yet I see none of his friends we used to hang out with. I feel like I have lost everything. I am becoming obsessed with his memory and constantly imagine a scenario in which he gets to spend time with happy me like the old days and realises he still loves me. What more than exercising and keeping busy can I do to get over this?? Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 With all of the negative things that happened in your life over the last couple years, your mind is working overtime processing everything. All the emotions. All of the hurt, anger, love, hate are all piled up inside you. Your brain couldn't work threw all of it and it seems that you attempted to distance yourself from anyone that could possibly hurt you more. Through this process you removed the guy you have strong feelings for. Now that you are alone, the depression and hurt from all the loss leave you with a whole inside that you are attempting to fill. What it is you are filling it with, at this point, I do not know. I do know that I filled mine first with alcohol, then filled it with depression and depressing thoughts and then anger. It took me two years to climb out of that void of hate and fill it with something else. For me that something else was love of self. When you have love of self and you start to look at the world you are in at the moment, those negative feelings start to peel away. It is so freaking hard to do, focus on each moment. But if you can, start with something small, like getting up early to watch the sun rise. Absorb the sight that we all take for granted every day and try and notice all the wonders that make it a spectacular event. The cold air on your face. The way the light turns the sky all shades of colors. Everything you can notice. Then move on to the next moment, the smell of coffee freshly brewed. The warmth it gives you going down on that first sip. Start with each moment and soon you are not feeling or thinking about the past and you are working on finding which moments make you the happiest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 thank you cdt. It's incredibly soothing to have someone repsond to your story and I understand and appreciate all your advice. I realise now the no contact rule is incredibly important whilst I put some of your ideas into plan. My housemate has assured me she will meet him away from our house from now on. Even just writing it down feels like a step in the right direction. Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
cdt76 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Oh believe me, we are all here because we are hurting. The things I said to do, will help. I've done them. Unfortunately for me, I'm not able to do them just yet. This morning has been so hard, I'm on the verge of puking because I'm so upset and ache so much inside. But I know at some point I will be able to do them and you can too. We just have to ride out the roller coaster until things start to level out. Not having contact with anyone or anything that has to do with the ex is the way to allow yourself to heel. I loved her so much. I had great things planned for the future and today you and I are on this website trying to cope. (insert vomit feeling here). keep writing. It will help you express you feelings without burdening those around you who do not understand what is going on inside you. Those of us here have been down this road once or twice. (and I'm off to go puke!) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Don't be sick. Stay strong! I just started this thread and it made me feel a whole lot better- maybe you should write a list too! http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/371697-things-i-never-liked-about-you Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I sympathise but think of it from his perspective. I am on the other side of the fence. my ex and I were very much in love. during our relationship of nearly a year, he had 2 family deaths, redundancy and n the same week he lost his job, he ended up in hospital with a severe joint infection and was sick for a ling time. he was in hospital for 3 weeks, recovery even longer....well with all this going on, he pushed me away. He changed when he came out of hospital, wasn't himself rarely called me, pushed away any attempt by me to help or be close to him and we split up initiated by him. there was no real reason to split up...he was hurtful to me in the process. Being pushed away by him when I had been kind to him and his family, loved him, cried for him, put his feelings before my own, visted him in hospital etc and them to be rejected and told I'm not loved any more was one of the most painful things I've ever lived thru. I'm still depressed over it. if he changed his mind and realised he wanted me back I'm not sire I would go back. Try and think of it from his perspective. in your exes and my perspective, it was not our fault you had problems but rejection by someone you love hurts like hell. with my ex, his problems were not his fault but they were not mine either. to be on the receiving end of rejection when you've done nothing but try and& help the person yo love is awful. I sympathise but try and think of it from your exes perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Hello Thank you so much for your alternative response- it's incredibly insightful to hear your perspective in that way. Looking at it from his perspective like you say has been the absolutely worst thing about it all because I realise how much I must have confused him - from the second I turned cold on him earlier last year to sending him an email expressing my inability to cope with being in a relationship because of everything else going on. All he really did was love me and I hurt him and I made him sad and I literally hate myself for it. Not least because I know that if by some miracle I were given another chance (which will certainly never happen now post volatile emails) then I would be able to give him everything he ever needed from me but sadly that will not be possible and it's the part which kills me. If I had sent a more thoughtful email that day if I had reached out to him as soon as we calle time on it and told him I loved him and I would find a way to deal with everything else and be there for him as much as he needed- then I would still be with him today. But then I suppose I didn't know that's how I felt until I lost him Therein lies the rub Thanks again for your input Link to post Share on other sites
Amelie1980 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 At least you're aware you hurt him. You're a good person. My ex has no idea if what he put me thru and doesn't seem to understand that he hurt me in the process. How long apart before you decided to go back to him? Link to post Share on other sites
williamshakespeare Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 Heartfall, Please don't think you're the only one who did something silly like pushed that one person away who loved you the most and then realized the error of your ways too late. I did the same thing when I went through a financial crisis. I thought I was the only person idiotic enough to do that and I felt so sick and annoyed with myself that words can't describe. Then I read on this site that its really not that unusual. The most important thing you can do right now is forgive yourself - its the feeling that 'you caused this' which is making it 10 times worse. Go easy on yourself - think things like 'You're human and there were mitigating circumstances which caused you to act how you did'. Its down to cause and effect. If you can stop beating yourself up about it - it would make a big difference! My thoughts go with ya pal. Link to post Share on other sites
williamshakespeare Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 CDT I'm sorry to hear you're havin a bad day! Keep the chin up. How long has it been since you broke up? Heartfall, Just as a matter of interest and if its ok to ask............. Did you reach out to your ex week 2 after separation when you realised how much you missed him? If not, why? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Thanks for your kind words William! I did reach out.... after about 3 weeks- a few of my mutual friends said you should tell him this is how you feel he thinks you went off him. Unfortunately I had left it too long... byt the time I had that conversation with him he had thrown himself into going out lots and had met a couple of girls he was taking on dates- that in turn was making him feel quite good about and repairing his esteem which I and his girlfriend before him had damage. He told me he was in a different place and didn't want to be in a relationship he jsut wanted to have fun. I then reacted to this by getting very drunk and sending some very abusive emails (for which I apologised immediately) sadly and understandably he found my words were and are unforgivable. The loving fun caring funny girl he knew and love doesn't exist to him anymore- I am sadly just a volatile, selfish, self absorbed ex who didn't get my own way. One thing a good friend said to me this evening was that I should try and get back to being the former girl again and in the process I will probably start getting over it. I think that was great advice. I'm tired of hating myself for how I have responded to my heart break. Thank you again- I could never have imagined how much comfort and support I would find on an anonymous internet forum. I hope you are in a better place with your situation too now! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Heartfail Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Amelie- we were apart for about 3 weeks before I realised I had made a mistake... thanks for telling me I'm a nice person I have done and felt a lot of things in the past few months which have made me question that. I am sorry to hear to hear you were on the receiving side. Look for those gaps in the day when even just for a short while you feel 'normal' again. When it happens remember that those periods will get longer and longer. That is what I hold onto Link to post Share on other sites
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