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Can't get over ex-girlfriend even after 30 years


Breaks and Breaking Up It happens to most everyone at some point in life! Share your experiences!

Old 12th January 2011, 2:32 PM   #61
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You know, one thing that I think everyone is forgetting, is that we are dealing with feelings. And when dealing with feelings, there is neither right or wrong. That is why they are feelings. And each and every person on this earth deals with, and feels with, differences. If your child came to you with the same questions about their feelings towards another human being that is/was important in their life, I wonder if they too would receive the same treatment and answers that appear presently on this board...

As to whether or not Grampi is trolling, does it matter? If anything, what this thread has shown, is that there are others who are dealing with the same thing. And isn't that the purpose? To share, vent, whine, cry, whatever. This has given way for other posters to say, "hey, I am experiencing the same thing", whereas before, who the hell wanted to EVER admit that they still held a torch for someone from 10, 20, 30 years ago.

Opening dialogue is what I thought this forum was for. Not everything is black and white. No two people deal with things in the same way. NC is not the answer to everyone's problems. "Get over it" "move on already" etc. and personal attacks are counterproductive. See, in some circles, that can be called denial. (and before anyone jumps the gun and thinks I am throwing any accusations to any one member, please note that I am speaking in generalities here). We all come here with our own experiences. And our own ways of dealing with said experiences.

One poster asked if he had ever had to deal with some of life's more serious blows. I ask, have you ever had to look your 16 year old daughter in the face knowing that the man you married, had said child with, gave your life, love, all to for 17 years, had been molesting her since the age of 3 and raping her since the age of 12 and you had no f*cking idea? That the one thing you swore to protect with your life was being put through the most vile/evil thing a child can face? Under your own roof. The place that you spent your life making into a home and a safe place? THAT is a bitter pill to swallow. And you wouldn't believe the times I have heard from people "move on" "it's over" "he's in prison now so get on with your life" etc. Seriously? It's been 7 months. And this is something that will be with me for the rest of my life. There are events in your life, and certain people, that never leave your head. So yes, sometimes I do go into my head and relive those days of my 'lost love', because that is something that I never thought I would ever get over. But I did, and it lets me know that I am strong, and can deal with the things that I never thought I could. Granted, this pales in comparison to that, but as my best friend of the last 40 years said to me "After ***, you were a mess. No one thought you would survive it. You did. You will survive this too". (I wish everyone could have a friend like do. She is my world and my rock .) I am bi-polar, so there are underlying issues that I am dealing with on top of the present he11.

Quote:
I'll bet you $100 that within two years I will be at least living with the woman I'm writing about here.
Mrlonely, even if you are not, in 25 years you will look back at this woman, no matter where you are, who you are with in your life, and smile. And that is OK. It doesn't mean you won't love your life. Or that you didn't move on, get over it, etc.

Same with Grampi. No where have I read (in this present thread) that he is thinking of, or is sabotaging his present marriage. He asked a simple question - has anyone else experienced holding onto the memory of a past love for a number of years. Obviously, a few of us have. That is/was the purpose of this thread.

This says it so eloquently:
Quote:
when you really love someone if it's really unconditional that means you can let them go and still love them
Peace.
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Old 12th January 2011, 3:03 PM   #62
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Denial is a tricky beast.. it tells us that everything is okay, that it is okay to continue on the path you are now and it makes excuses for us to not change, not see the denial.
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Old 12th January 2011, 3:18 PM   #63
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Originally Posted by Graceful View Post
If the only point of view you want to hear is your own, then you should put that in your original post.
He did put that in his original post or I was reading wrong when he asked if anyone was going or had went through anything similar.
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Old 12th January 2011, 3:28 PM   #64
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Originally Posted by aerogurl87 View Post
He did put that in his original post or I was reading wrong when he asked if anyone was going or had went through anything similar.
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Old 12th January 2011, 3:37 PM   #65
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wow..30 years

I came across your post..and wow, 30 years is a long time. Its only been 2 years for me...i cant imagine being as unhappy as i am now...for another 28. I will not throw another judgemental comment at you, as i cant imagine how you delt..or coped with it. Its funny how people throw this word LOVE around easily. They say "you'll fall in love with someone else and get married and move on"..is this really "LOVE" or simply tolerating your current situation with your new spouse or GF? How many people out there are simply in a marriage because that person was a second choice? Loving someone and being in love are 2 diffrent things.....when a person still feels that deep genuine love after years and years of trials and tribulation...is that true love?...or is simply co-existing with another person..pro-creating with that person..and eventually getting to that point of tolerating that person..true love?

I just think its sad that a person has to live this "lie" or have to project this image of im happy with this person....when all the mean time, they still crave that connection with another.

So to all those saying(me included) .."get over it, move on and find someone else"..is this because you are 1. still looking for that one..and holding out for them as you slowly age.....or 2. simply settled with this other person, for fear of being alone..and labled "strange" by society for being still single? or 3. lieing to yourself that your happy..and forcing yourself to be happy
i ask this question to myself quite often...i have dated...had a another Girlfriend..and "slept around" with a couple of friends with benefits. and i am comming to the realization that my loss unique love..feelings..and memories will something i have to just deal with and carry with me. Its just depressing that these feelings linger on and on for so long. And grampi..i believe that true love is something that cant simply be replaced with another..if so there wouldnt be 1000's of sites like this as well as dating and relationship sites. My heart goes out to you Grampi. You may just have to tolerate your situation...you are married so i guess you just have to ride that out.
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Old 12th January 2011, 5:30 PM   #66
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Originally Posted by aerogurl87 View Post
He did put that in his original post or I was reading wrong when he asked if anyone was going or had went through anything similar.
He may have done that, granted. And I said I had in the past, although not for as many years, as I am not as old as the OP. I handled it differently, and made it clear that we are different people. Similar experience, different response and different outcome. I mentioned it b/c he seemed to be very defensive about another post, and attacked the poster. Not that she can't handle that herself.

He said on one hand, he couldn't care less about harsh responses. Despite that, he discounts those responses. They are different points of view, IMHO, that is all.

Insofar as comparing who has had what happen to whom and so forth, I raised questions. Just for perspective. We are all strangers here, there is no telling where we draw inspiration from, or what can help (or not) in any given situation. I don't know about you, I do find it humbling when I hear about, or know someone, or have helped someone who is really having a serious problem. I learn, and it helps put my own situation in perspective. This man is not a kid, I guess it is harder to imagine someone really holding on for 30 years and not ask questions, especially since he has had other flirtations. If I tried to imagine my father like that, I would not be able to, my parents were rock solid. My father suffered a horrible tragedy before he came to the United States, and his romance with my mother was poignant and amazing. Very different lives, no doubt about it. My bad.

I couldn't agree more that we accumulate a history and we're going to take our feelings, memories, and life experiences with us. Some things you never get over, I get that very clearly. But it is still more the idea of what we do with our history, how we carry it along with us, how we reflect on it. That includes feelings. Just my opinion, okay.

There will always be threads that hit a raw nerve for many, no matter what the intention of the OP.

Peace / out.
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Old 12th January 2011, 5:59 PM   #67
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comethemorning,
I am sorry for your sorrow and pain. I read a post where you had a link to your story one day not too long ago, and no, I have not had an experience like that in my life. It was shocking. I am sure you would love to be able to move on, but people telling you that must be very disheartening. I have a friend whose father died (57 years old), her parents were very close and happily married, and yet, 6 months after her father died, some of her mother's friends were asking her if she was ready to start dating. Yes, 6 months later. I can't imagine how you must feel when people think you can "move on" either, after what you have endured with your children.

I wish you strength in your journey to heal. You are lucky to have a friend that offers you so much support. Take care.
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Old 12th January 2011, 11:18 PM   #68
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Graceful, thank you so much for your kind words. One thing I have learned, and am passing on to my children, is that this is a process. And it is a process that requires outside help. As much as I would like to take my kids and just run away from the whole thing and forget it never happened, fact is, it did. And we have decided as our now 'family of 3' to face this thing head on and do whatever it takes, for however long it takes, to heal. My family history is of the "get over it - it is done" type of coping. The cycle of denial ends now. My daughter is going to heal, not just exist.

As a funny anecdote of long married couples and death (if there is such a thing - but this one really did make my friends and I laugh)...

My very best male friend lost his dad this past November. While at the burial site, he comes over to us and says "see that guy over there with my mom?" Turns out 'that guy' was her boyfriend BEFORE her husband, and in the week since *****'s passing, had encompassed himself into every aspect of the widows life. Even so far as to tell my friend (who is 41 by the way) that he had to come over the following weekend to help 'clean up the backyard'. Um, yeah. Needless to say, all my friend could say, "Is this my mom's new boyfriend?!?" We all laughed, but it did seem rather uncouth at the time... (no, I don't know if he is still around - some things are just too soon to bring up :/) Maybe it is an Italian thing - I don't know?!?

Only the person suffering can know when it is right for them, and then only if they have been completely honest with themselves and worked through their issues. I for one will not be ready for quite some time. But in the case of my marriage, it is not the loss of what I lost, it is loss of the life I thought I was living. I now have to rewrite 17 years of my history to reflect the actual reality as opposed to reality I thought it was. For me personally, that is the hardest part {of course, aside from the all encompassing guilt}. Holding on to a past love, as I have said earlier, provides for me, a distraction. And it makes me smile when just about every other waking moment, I want to either scream or weep uncontrollably. Small consolation, but then again, I am taking baby steps
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Old 13th January 2011, 12:48 AM   #69
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Grampi,

I fear that I too will forever hold onto the one I love (if only in my mind).

We broke up over a year ago and have had zero contact. I think of her everyday (though there isn't so much pain associated with it). I know I love her. I'd like to think I know she loves me too... Perhaps that is enough.

However, I can rationalize that no matter how much I love her, it simply was not a good thing. I think it is possible to love someone too much, and then it becomes very much like addiction. I was not in a good state of mind when I met her, nor was she.

I get the feeling you are trying to stop loving her all this time... Why bother? You can always love her (nothing she can do can stop that). Accept that you probably will always love her, and be at peace with it. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, see them, or touch them.

Love is intangible. You cannot hold love, see love, nor can you make it materialize... it just is.

We try so hard to place our love upon one person, thing, or idea. Love is a boundless emotion that is limitless. It can be shared and distributed in many places. This is what love is supposed to be - ever expansive. Once you give real love to someone, you cannot and should not want to take it back.

Peace.
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Old 13th January 2011, 9:10 AM   #70
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Originally Posted by FreeToBe View Post
Grampi,

I fear that I too will forever hold onto the one I love (if only in my mind).

We broke up over a year ago and have had zero contact. I think of her everyday (though there isn't so much pain associated with it). I know I love her. I'd like to think I know she loves me too... Perhaps that is enough.

However, I can rationalize that no matter how much I love her, it simply was not a good thing. I think it is possible to love someone too much, and then it becomes very much like addiction. I was not in a good state of mind when I met her, nor was she.

I get the feeling you are trying to stop loving her all this time... Why bother? You can always love her (nothing she can do can stop that). Accept that you probably will always love her, and be at peace with it. Loving someone doesn't mean you have to be with them, see them, or touch them.

Love is intangible. You cannot hold love, see love, nor can you make it materialize... it just is.

We try so hard to place our love upon one person, thing, or idea. Love is a boundless emotion that is limitless. It can be shared and distributed in many places. This is what love is supposed to be - ever expansive. Once you give real love to someone, you cannot and should not want to take it back.

Peace.
Nice post, and I agree with every part of it. I think the reason this doesn't make me absolutely miserable, even knowing it's quite possible this may be something I take to my grave, are the facts that I'm completely happy with my wife, my family, and how my life has turned out, as far as I know my ex is happy with her life, and the fact that the time my ex and I shared together was a wonderful time of my life.

And to those implying that I "settled," or I'm nothing more than coexisting with my wife because I still have feelings for my ex, you're too full of yourself. I'm not some kid fresh out of high school and I think I know what being in love is.
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Old 13th January 2011, 1:09 PM   #71
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I didn't read everyone's response so forgive me if this is a repost of earlier provided info. I would conted that the reason that you still think about her is that I do not believe that you ever got the closure that you need. I believe that there are a few questions that you would like answered. That's it. I to think about the first girl I was ever in love with from time to time. She left me to go back to her ex but she insisted on being friends with me. I resisted (quite forcefully) because I believed she was just trying to ease her conscious. When I look back on the situation, she was never "mine" to begin with. Anyhow, she married a guy that I was acquinted with (not the guy she left me for). They are now divorced. I sometimes wonder if she is still single.
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Old 13th January 2011, 5:12 PM   #72
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I didn't read everyone's response so forgive me if this is a repost of earlier provided info. I would conted that the reason that you still think about her is that I do not believe that you ever got the closure that you need. I believe that there are a few questions that you would like answered. That's it. I to think about the first girl I was ever in love with from time to time. She left me to go back to her ex but she insisted on being friends with me. I resisted (quite forcefully) because I believed she was just trying to ease her conscious. When I look back on the situation, she was never "mine" to begin with. Anyhow, she married a guy that I was acquinted with (not the guy she left me for). They are now divorced. I sometimes wonder if she is still single.
Yes, not having closure may be why I can't let go, and the worst part of that is I may never be able to get closure. I would never even consider trying to contact my ex, and even if I happened to have a chance encounter with her somewhere out in public, I can't think of any way possible of bringing this up without it sounding completely awkward and inappropriate. The only possible way I could ever see me finding out why she ended our relationship is if I were to somehow come in contact with a gal who was a very good friend of hers at the time, and I have no idea of her whereabouts these days.
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Old 8th February 2011, 4:57 PM   #73
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Red face I feel for you

Still in love....
I dated a girl for 2 years. We broke up in 1995. It was my fault. I begged her to come back. Of course she didn't.. We were from a small town in NC.. Last I heard she had moved to NYC.. I've been searching for her since the internet was available... Finally found an address.. Have a letter written but I am afraid to send it.
I fear that my search has become an obsession and I know that although she was as perfect as I could ever ask , I know that she can never live up the false standard that I have created in my mind of her.
I was so insecure when we dated and I know that was frustrating to her.
I have spent the last 15 years working on this.
Anyway I found your post through a google search and just wanted to reach out..
Now I know that I am not alone..
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Old 8th February 2011, 5:36 PM   #74
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Here's the thing. You can get over it as long as you can replace it.

So what do you do if your sat down with the next girl and they simply are not up to the love your stuck on. It used to scare me sometimes how my ex would say things I was thinking. If you've found "the package" as far as your concerned it's very hard to replace. Going out and meeting girls was easy to get a kick from before my ex, as none really ticked all of the boxes so the stakes were low. I found my 10, she loved me with such devotion that it scares me. How do you get over this? Easiest way is to replace her, but when youve gone through a bunch and can't find anyone close that's very tough.

I do believe some ppl are wired up to struggle to get over things. My Freind goes from ltr to ltr, quality of girl varies massively but he's equally in love with the next as much as the last. Not realistic for me.

Grampi, I think I'll be you one day. Don't think ill last till then with this feeling tho tbh, too painful. I'm gonna bed everything I can for a few years and hopefully I'll either realise she wasn't all that or harden off and learn not to give a damn about anyone else I'm not sure I can face more days like this. Horrible pain. Massive respect for you.
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Old 9th February 2011, 2:50 AM   #75
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