HISTORY

This journal is for me and just to get crap off my chest. So stop reading if you expect more.

It is the late night in February. I have some music on ('Streets - A Rock Opera' by Savatage. Don't bother. You won't like it.)

It is a very fine album. The songs go through a range of emotions that usually fit my range. Plus, he sings rather course, and my bad singing mixes in well.

Plus, there are some spiritual/soul searching songs mixed in with anger, so for me the pieces fit. I will end this journal entry with one of the lines from one of the songs.

Why do I talk about this album so much? I don't know, but I works tonight.

I don't know where to start. There will be no jokes, no witty constructs, nothing hidden, no easter eggs, or anything thinly veiled. This is not even a good story. Actually, its more self serving for me and my purposes.

Basically, I am just writing to get this out of my system.

I will not mention any LS'rs here by name. If anyone knows me even a 'little', I totally respect privacy. I cherish it, like a poor man holds a valuable object from a dead relative and that's all he has left to remember them by, the monetary value meaning nothing. I don't know if most can relate to that, though I know most everyone thinks they do.

But I need to step back at the beginning. We'll start at my first LS post. That Chinese woman at work who somehow got my attention and somehow I developed strong feelings for her. Looking back, I think, no, actually, I KNOW I was in love with the fantasy and not 'her'. I have known her for over 7 years. We worked together for 9 months. The company went under and we went our separate ways. She called my house a year or two later and we had lunches, etc. Talking to her was virtually talking to someone that barely knew the language. And just as hard to understand.

I couldn't figure out what she wanted. I think just friendship. Honestly, our conversations were less exciting than reading a database manual. I am not exaggerating. And I don't want responses suggesting what she wanted. I've been through that and I am not interested in that at all.

Two years ago she took me out for my birthday and I flipped for her. I kept it buried inside, and then when I could no longer keep it in, I posted it on LS just to tell someone. I never experienced that before. Bad things were going on in my marriage. Bad things in hers.

But the infatuation wasn't normal, however. I barely knew her. I didn't know her culture. She wasn't born here. I look at it now and it made NO SENSE. It wasn't looks. Trust me. I'm not a look-based guy anyway. I think it was the respect she showed me. Respect that pretty much was destroyed in my marriage pertaining to me.

Now, my W is not a bad person. And I think I may hold grudges and may be a little sensitive to the respect thing. But she did lie to me twice after I gave her a second chance and simply does not respect my privacy.

Now, to jump ahead to a future post, I really lost much attraction to her. I think I just fell out of love with her like a dating couple falls out of love. Does it stem from what she did to me? I think it may. I am simply not turned on anymore. And if she left me I think I could easily roll with it (and probably stop at the confetti store and hold a ticker tape parade in my house - no, thats mean!). I feel horrible about this, but this is how I feel. I'll cover what marriage and love mean to me later on.

Going back to the Chinese woman, I don't understand how I could be attracted to someone without really knowing them. I am not looking for responses. This is just an observation on myself. I would define that as shallow. I get off on the mental side of things, and that wasn't there. So what the Hell was I thinking?

But believe it or not, this gets resolved, as I will tell in a future post.

Nevertheless, one good thing came out of all that was the few, but very good friends I made on here, LS, because of the situation described above.

Maybe it's not a few: I'd say 5 people. Five really, really wonderful people.

Well, this was a horrible journal entry, probably. I'm not looking for responses or answers. Like I said, it was totally self serving.

And yes, one lyric made itself known in my head from this unknown album. The lyric goes

"And perhaps God gave the answers to those with nothing to say."

NEXT JOURNAL POST: The LS Experience...