Apathy and attractiveness

[Envy123]

After having been unsuccessful with getting any interest from women lately, I have thought back to the times when I did get at least some interest from girls.

 

Something which confuses me - when I show no enthusiasm or interest towards women, I have gotten interest from a fair few (was even asked out). But when I show interest, it's always a "no" from them.

 

The thing is that when I showed the "don't care, see you later" attitude, I was already burned out from relationship searching and just accepted my fate. It was a form of rebellion - the thinking being that I'm not ever having a relationship so just do whatever. I am more confident about myself now, but I can't help wondering about my previous apathy having better results than my current attitude.

 

I'd appreciate any clarity on this and advice on how I can adopt at least parts of that previous attitude that worked well already.

[alphamale]

women start AND end the majority of relationships. when it comes to women less is always more...

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Maybe your apathy came across as confidence and your enthusiasm comes off as desperation.

[chillii]

Well , not since my marriage broke up , most woman l met wanted a relationship , met from a meeting someone point of view l mean , not just friends or something of course.

Anyway , that's pretty common in either op, how often we hear some female saying oh she raced down to the shop looking like crap and guys payed her attention and stuff like that.

 

lt's funny though l have zero interest in women in general these days apart from my gf and my daughter can't be bothered with them and the bs anymore yet get more attention now even in my 50s.

Edited July 9, 2019 by chillii

[Envy123]

@alphamale

 

I've noticed this as well. All romantic interest was initiated from their side. When I did all the work of pursuing, it never worked.

 

@CautiouslyOptimistic

 

Possibly.

 

My attitude did stem from rather unique circumstances. I didn't really like the school all that much initially and my way to cope was to act. But I didn't act in a play - I acted all the time. My school persona was this apathetic person who just goes with the flow and has interesting things to do outside of school.

 

This persona has great success in friendships and romance, but whenever I drop it, crickets.

 

Looks like I need to work on integrating this persona into my personality permanently.

 

@chillii

 

Despite my body shape, I did get romantic interest in the pool.

[caveman621]

This was brought up in another thread somewhere. But, IMHO, a man seems, I dunno, cooler? When he is not seeking. I had NO success with women as a teen and early adulthood. Then after I was married, talking to women seemed to come much more easily, even if there was no romantic intent. And I think that is part of it. Women smell fear!!!!

 

When you have no "skin in the game", such as when you're married or in a LTR you're not putting out that "PLEASE DATE ME! PLEASE SHOW INTEREST IN ME!" So that comes across.

 

Just my theory.

[Mysterio]

When I think of all my male friends that have their Wives/GF's. The Woman was the driving force. My two GF were the ones that told me that they liked me in a romantic way first. My FWB did the same thing as well.

 

For some reason. Its feels like this to me in my head. When I don't care. I get the romantic attention when it happens. When I try to make an effort. It barely gets off the ground.

 

I don't get this at all. When I show interest. I am not phoning 20 times a day/texting/e-mails. No major heaviness on my part. I don't get it. So for a lot of us here striving for a romantic relationship. I guess the key is to not care and go about your life and let the women try to figure us out to try to get us into a relationship with them.

 

My thing is here is the new problem. A lot of us men are going to stay aloof because if we show warmth and interest, we will lose the love and affection from the women.

 

I would like some women to chime in and see what they think about this. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to seem cold and indifferent. Thats not what I want. I don't even like it from my male friends. My buddy MK is warm to me and he is a great guy. His wife and I are lucky that he is that way. I don't him to be cold and aloof.

[Envy123]

I would like some women to chime in and see what they think about this. I don't want to be that way. I don't want to seem cold and indifferent. Thats not what I want. I don't even like it from my male friends. My buddy MK is warm to me and he is a great guy. His wife and I are lucky that he is that way. I don't him to be cold and aloof.

 

Yeah, it's a big problem for me. If I show a woman the slightest interest, it's certain that my chances with her are squandered. But if I am cold and distant, it seems to be attractive to a woman enough that she makes a move.

 

My theory is the whole "you want what you can't have" adage. Every time I was apathetic, I was not "on the market". I was dealing with getting good grades (in school) and staying at my job (in one retail job). Love was the last thing on my mind. And the conventionally attractive girls - maybe most guys would give them attention and be overly flirty, but I wasn't and that was unique for them.

 

Another thing is that while my apathy could have come across as confidence, my apathy was a result of being in the lowest periods of my life. I would really like to have love happen in the high periods as well.

[Mysterio]

Envy. I have no idea what to say on this matter. I can't begin to state how to get out of this Apathy thing.

 

I am experimenting with Online again. Even when I am with a woman. I am not calling and interacting with them day in and day out. I look back to my ex's. All of them turned our friendship into a romantic one. Not me.

 

I have stated this before. In my head. For me. The only thing I think that I am maybe doing wrong. I may have made the Love thing into a larger deal than it is. It is nice to have, but its not everything.

 

I don't think it's my looks or personality. I may be hard to match because I don't put up with BS and unideal situations.

 

The two women I want to reach out. I am going to be light and to the point.

[Morello]

I think it all boils down to how interested/attracted the woman is. If she's really into you, she'll appreciate more warmth and interest coming from you. If she's not that into you, anything you do that is slightly more than she expects/wants will become overwhelming.

 

Also, the 'apathy' can be translated to you having a life and not making her the centre of your universe. It doesn't have much to do with aloofness, in my opinion. It's just that it seems that way when they don't know you very well. They think you're not contacting them because you're busy with other things (even other women). When they realise you're not contacting because you're just sad and alone at your house they won't see that aloofness the same way, that's for sure.

 

Also, women are very different and have different pasts, different personalities. I think women who have experienced bad relationships at home (parents) and/or have lower self-esteem and confidence are more inclined to 'bad boys' or guys who ignore or even mistreat them. The same behaviour will not be very appealing to women with high self-esteem and who had good examples of healthy relationships in their lives. There's also the 'attachment theory', which is something else to consider. A woman with an anxious attachment style will become even more attached when the guy ignores/leaves them and they're more easily manipulated than those with secure attachments.

 

Too many variables involved... In my experience, all the above is not that relevant when you find someone you just click with. You can just feel how easy it is, how effortless it is, how you agree on things and act/react somewhat similarly. It doesn't guarantee a good relationship but it's a great start. I think a lot of people end up trying to fit squares in rounded holes just based on pre-conceived ideas of who they should be dating.

 

I am (or hopefully was) very guilty of that. I tried to date very extroverted and outgoing "life of the party" women who, in the end, just weren't good matches for my lifestyle. It looked nice on paper and I was proud to have landed such girls (and had a lot of fun times with them) but in the end, I was not having my needs met at all. We were basically incompatible and they also realised the incompatibility at some point. Took me awhile to realise I was just picking the wrong women.

Edited July 12, 2019 by Morello

[Gretchen12]

When you were down you were probably not confident. Apathy is not confidence. And the women who showed interest, may just be toying with you, it doesn't mean the interest will continue. There are also women who like to take care of wounded birds - not a good situation to get into.

[Envy123]

The two women I want to reach out. I am going to be light and to the point.

 

Yeah, light and to the point always worked well for me, so I think I'll do that from now on too.

 

I think it all boils down to how interested/attracted the woman is. If she's really into you, she'll appreciate more warmth and interest coming from you. If she's not that into you, anything you do that is slightly more than she expects/wants will become overwhelming.

 

Maybe they were interested from the beginning, as opposed to the gradual process that I thought.

 

Also, the 'apathy' can be translated to you having a life and not making her the centre of your universe. It doesn't have much to do with aloofness, in my opinion. It's just that it seems that way when they don't know you very well. They think you're not contacting them because you're busy with other things (even other women). When they realise you're not contacting because you're just sad and alone at your house they won't see that aloofness the same way, that's for sure.

 

I agree. During school, I really didn't put any girl on a pedestal. I treated them the same as I treated other guys.

 

They didn't know me all that well, true. I think that they thought I was just playing hard to get, but in reality, I was going through tough times and I didn't want to reveal what was really going on behind the scenes.

 

I think women who have experienced bad relationships at home (parents) and/or have lower self-esteem and confidence are more inclined to 'bad boys' or guys who ignore or even mistreat them.

 

That could be the case too. I think at least one of the girls was like this. The one who asked me out, I didn't even speak to her before. I was aware of her existence, I knew her name but she was invisible to me.

 

Too many variables involved... In my experience, all the above is not that relevant when you find someone you just click with.

 

Yeah, there can be other variables too, outside of my control.

 

When you were down you were probably not confident.

 

I was down on the inside, but I ensured that my "mask" that I wore to school was at the very least not suspicious that something's wrong. My main point was that I only had successful romance during the low periods, probably because I have to act social in an attempt to hide the less savory aspects of my life.

 

And the women who showed interest, may just be toying with you, it doesn't mean the interest will continue.

 

I kinda doubt every girl who showed interest, was playing with me. If they were, they must have an Oscar each for best actress, then.

 

There are also women who like to take care of wounded birds - not a good situation to get into.

 

That's a good point. Maybe at least one of the girls did see beyond the "mask" and wanted to "fix" me. I wouldn't have liked that - I prefer to take care of my own problems and not have a partner be a "free therapist".