What everyone tells single people doesn't make sense to me

[MoonageDaydream]

I'm 23 and female and I'm having a hard time reconciling "sound advice" with reality.

 

"Work on yourself first." It doesn't make sense because by giving that advice, people conclude that having a great personality or good mental health is a requirement to finding a relationship. I have close friends who are mentally ill (diagnosed with depression, anxiety, etc.) or who aren't the nicest people around but they still manage to get into serious relationships. Like, come on, you see A LOT of people whose lives aren't so put together get into relationships.

 

People also tell me to be more open/emotionally available. Apparently, the reason why I always attract trash guys who don't want to commit for whatever reason is that I give off a cold vibe. Emotionally unavailable people attract each other, blah blah blah. Again, it doesn't make sense, because there are a LOT of people like this who can get into serious relationships.

 

For the record, I'm not looking for a relationship, but it's just annoying that no one could ever see me that way, you know? It's like I have some kind of fundamental flaw.

[preraph]

Everyone has some flaws, but there is just no way a real messed up person or two of them are going to have anything but a lot of dysfunction or at a minimum, be crap role models for their kids by being too tolerant of bad behavior.

 

No one wants to be with someone who doesn't try to be their best self. No one can fix you and you can't fix anyone else. People don't help those who won't help themselves.

[preraph]

P.S. Just keep listening to Bowie. He was the master of recreating himself. He was a huge influence on me in that way. He is proof that you can transform into who you want to be.

[stillafool]

I'm 23 and female and I'm having a hard time reconciling "sound advice" with reality.

 

"Work on yourself first." It doesn't make sense because by giving that advice, people conclude that having a great personality or good mental health is a requirement to finding a relationship. I have close friends who are mentally ill (diagnosed with depression, anxiety, etc.) or who aren't the nicest people around but they still manage to get into serious relationships. Like, come on, you see A LOT of people whose lives aren't so put together get into relationships.

 

 

Then I have to ask you what do those friends look like? People will put up with a lot of crap to be with someone good looking.

[alphamale]

you're 23, you are a baby with little life experience. when you get older you will understand

[Dandelioness]

Take a look at what attachment style "you" have and what attachment style you're drawn to. Then see if you can answer your own question.

[basil67]

The fact that someone can get into a serious relationship doesn't mean that it's a good one. And I would agree that being open and emotionally available is one of the foundations for being in a good relationship.

 

Why do you think you are closed and emotionally unavailable? Have you done any work on that?

[MoonageDaydream]

Then I have to ask you what do those friends look like? People will put up with a lot of crap to be with someone good looking.

 

Nah, they're average-looking.

 

Take a look at what attachment style "you" have and what attachment style you're drawn to. Then see if you can answer your own question.

 

So I took this test and apparently I have an On Edge-Avoidant attachment style:

 

On Edge-Avoidant (Mistrusting): Individuals in this quadrant share the Dismissive type's misgivings about others, but have not developed the armor of coolness and self-sufficiency that allows Dismissive types to live without attachment and bonding. Consequently, Mistrustful types recognize in themselves a need for intimacy and close relations with others, but as soon as they start to get close to others, they also find that they have mixed feelings about the whole ordeal and start fantasizing about breaking it off because they "want their space again." In short, they are neither at ease in solitude nor when close to others. Because of their simultaneous need for and mistrust of intimacy, Mistrusting types have had to spend their lives learning how to skillfully handle other people; continually maneuvering so as to keep others close and available, yet at the same time out of control and powerless to harm the Mistrusting type. Individuals of this type are often high-achieving and competent adults, but on the inside, they tend to suffer from periodic bouts of low self-esteem and be plagued by a sense of hollowness at their core. Mistrusting individuals are frequently very good at finding legitimate fault with others and sniffing out their weaknesses as a way of protecting themselves against being disappointed by others, but on the downside, this hypervigilance also tends to lead to skepticism and overly paranoid tendencies.

 

It does describe me really well.

 

The fact that someone can get into a serious relationship doesn't mean that it's a good one. And I would agree that being open and emotionally available is one of the foundations for being in a good relationship.

 

Why do you think you are closed and emotionally unavailable? Have you done any work on that?

 

I've thought about it and it's because I don't want to look weak or be pitied by my friends or other people if my relationships don't work out.

[d0nnivain]

The work you have to do on yourself is to figure out what you want & then go get it. You want a relationship? Start by admitting that. Then think about the qualities you want in the other person. You can want somebody you find attractive but don't get super picky about exact height, hair color, BMI, etc. Leave it as somebody who floats your boat. Once you establish the type of partner you want, figure out where that type of person might be then go get him. FYI, odds are he's not on line or on a app.

[chillii]

Ahhh, never even heard crap like they all say now 10 years ago, it's all just some mad internet thing spilling over into real life.

All this be the best version of your self do this fix that work on yourself bla bla bla. Never heard such bullshyt 15yrs ago. Besides, personally l couldn't giva damn about being the best version of myself or someone l'm not, quite happy the way l am haha, imperfections and all.

Unless someone was say obviously over weight or drank or had obvious shyt then yeah sure, clean up your act a bit.

All kinds of people just like you say though and many a real mess are still in relationships and marriges.

l suppose though there are times,sure. like seeming to attract a certain kind for example, but even that , ya gotta realize to that often that kind will be trying their luck with anyone else and everyone else too. lt may well not have anything to do with something about you.

You hear the guys saying they get them on date sites all the time for example, older over weight types or something, but they'll be hitting on anyone else too, it's not just them.

 

Most of the time it's a simple as you just haven't met the right person yet especially at your age. Although if you give out a coldish switched of vibe that really won't help the sitch one bit, that's for sure. Or you got hang ups that mess things up or emotionally not over ex's and things like that but things like that are obviously something you gotta get on top of but yaknow, over all.

So yeah sure sometimes there are things but mostly l think it's all just a sign of the times and bs myself.

Edited May 21, 2019 by chillii

[Dandelioness]

 

On Edge-Avoidant (Mistrusting).

 

I just got the same.

[basil67]

I've thought about it and it's because I don't want to look weak or be pitied by my friends or other people if my relationships don't work out.

 

It honestly wouldn't occur to me that my friends would think me weak or give me pity if a relationship didn't work out. Are you friends judgemental? If so, you may want new friends.

 

But if they aren't judgemental, perhaps consider that they don't spend as much time thinking about you and your relationship as you may think.

[Foxhall]

I would say you need to meet the type of people who are patient and who will help you to open up more,

 

your fundamental problem of "opening up" this is probably you just simply have not met people yet who are easy to open up too, who will be patient with you, who will engage with you, who will challenge you, who will understand how you tick,

 

I think my own personality types actually in terms of being patient and thoughtful, open minded and so on would help you,

 

and alternatively I think strong extroverted personalities would help you as they would be able to draw out what your holding in,

 

so my advice is get out there searching , join groups, what you need is too meet personality types similar to the two I describe above and then things will get easier.

 

perhaps something of a spiritual nature,or alternative health groups,

my cousin swears by yoga actually and she is quite a reflective type

[hotpotato]

Have you ever watched the series Deadly Women? No matter how crazy the women are, they have swarms of men around them. I suppose this is the extreme of what the op is talking about.

 

Some people know how to make a fantastic first impression. They know how to be perfect in the first weeks, months, years. By the time the other person has figured it out, they are in deep with said crazy individual-living together, married, kids, joint finances etc.

 

I read in an advice column that a woman needs to be perfect in the first few months. Then after the attachment has been formed, it's time to relax. Some women turn this into an art form. (I'm sure this is true for some men as well.) These women will do well what the previous girlfriend didn't do.

 

Sure, maybe people should be more patient. However, most people will take something that seems great in the beginning and run with it. More reserved but stable people are at a disadvantage.

 

 

It could also be they these couples are complimenting each other in some way.

[stillafool]

 

I've thought about it and it's because I don't want to look weak or be pitied by my friends or other people if my relationships don't work out.

 

This is your problem. You care too much about what other people think instead of only caring about what you think. Bad habit and you need to break it or you will be miserable in life.

[Mysterio]

I think a lot of us are so trapped into thinking that if you don't have a romantic relationship or are getting laid on a regular basis. Something is wrong with us.

 

For me at age 48. I have not met a great match that has transitioned me into being in a couple with a woman that complements me and vice versa.

 

Being kind and nice is great. Unless there is some sort of romantic attraction between the two. It won't do anything. Perhaps its time that most of us just focus on ourselves.

 

It is kind of sad that its the way that it is. It's not like most of us our in our 80's just hanging int for life.

 

To me being single means no physical affection. No romantic fun with a woman. It happens once in a while if a woman likes me. I don't like it, but what can I and others who are single do. Should we just waste our time pining away for a romantic connection, when there is no one that views us that way.

 

I think we need to be able to navigate our lives in a way where a romantic relationship is a blessing and an addition to our lives than we are all missing out without it. Especially with people under 60.

 

Lots of people that I know in Long term relationships are breaking apart. I almost think that its impossible to go from 16 to 96 and not have multiple relationships. One way or another I say most likely 5 major loves in ones life one way or another before we go to the next reality.

 

I personally think for me that a woman is going to more drop into my life. Then me being the driving force and winning over some woman that I fancy.

[SmartDude]

"Most people (about 68 percent) have an IQ between 85 and 115. Only a small fraction of people have a very low IQ (below 70) or a very high IQ (above 130). The average IQ in the United States is 98."

 

 

Its because they are kinda dumb. Following the rules and being safe and responsible leads to...being boring!

[Osho]

The reason I always tell friends to work on themselves is from what I see and have experienced. People usually attract and end up with people with like mind frames and life situations.

 

Example. Laura has a hard time opening up to people that love her, she doesn’t see this so she exerts a lot of narcissistic tendencies toward her partners. Most of the her past serious relationships she’s not really in love with. They are more like furniture or a kitchen appliance to her. So who does she fall in love with? Someone who is in love with his ex. Who drags her along and doesn’t love her at all. Who treats her just like she treats everyone else. It’s plain as day to everyone in her life but her.

 

I could on in detail for every friend and acquaintance but the point is that when I observe someone become their best self they usually attract that into their life. Take into consideration the things no one thinks about but can only experience by traveling down the path of self improvement. Over time you may find yourself changing? In my own experience I’ve changed everything like diet, job, personal hobbies and even what I watch on tv if I actually watch tv. I’ve even encountered an ex at one point that I thought I still wanted. And I’ve changed so much since then that she’s actually unattractive to me in every way. Who I was looking for to be in my life a few years ago has drastically changed.

 

My point being that working on yourself can sometimes reveal a side of you that you didn’t realize was there. Not to mention give you time to let go of old baggage from relationships that shouldn’t be drug into new ones. If you are the best version of yourself you have a better chance of ending up in a healthier relationship opposed to the same thing you’ve left behind.

[mark clemson]

People change over time. In 5 years you're likely to be a different person in terms of habits, needs, thoughts, etc. and in 10 years you'll ALMOST DEFINITELY be a different person than today.

 

If you're going to change anyhow, you might as well change in a way that makes you your best self (or at least an improved self).

 

I think a "higher caliber" you is likely to attract (or at least have the option/ability to attract) a higher caliber partner. Sure there is some luck involved, and some folks "settle" (which is actually often OK) and you're limited to the people you're able to actually contact. But I think if you're a negative person or a total slob or what have you, I believe you're less likely on average to attract much better than what you present.