LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > In Search Of...

When they ask about your ex?


In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

Like Tree14Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 17th March 2019, 6:31 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: 8,885 feet above sea level
Posts: 2,770
Lying is a bad thing period - don't do it. I think if I had learned that a woman I was in a relationship had lied to me initially then I would be very wary about trusting her going forward.

Let's unpack this a bit more though. The ex question is legitimate for the following relationship facts:
1. How long have you been single? No one wants to be a rebound

2. Are you likely to go back to said ex if he calls you up one night? No one wants to be in a relationship with an emotionally unavailable person.

3. Did you do something awful to cause the breakup (e.g. infidelity). No one wants to be in a relationship with a cheater.

Those are the three legitimate reasons to ask the question and expect an honest answer. So, you can simply say:

"We broke up in 2016 and I've been single since. I haven't heard from him in 3 years and like it that way. The breakup wasn't caused by anything I did - like cheating OR We broke up because [insert reason]. Honestly, I don't like talking about it because it stirs up a lot of icky feelings that I don't want to feel right now/with you I'm more than happy to tell you all the details some time in the future but let's focus on the here and now rather than the past."

If the man won't respect a request like that then you now know something about him and you should be concerned.

In short, you give him all the data points he legitimately needs and then close the door at this time.

All that being said, let me ask you this - if you met a wonderful amazing man and created a healthy relationship with him, if your Ex called you up in the middle of the night and asked for you back, what would you do? If you can't answer that you would decline/hang up on him, then you need to really be aware of this. Doesn't mean you shouldn't date but you need to be aware that you have this vulnerability and probably shouldn't get too deep into a relationship with other man until you can do something about it.

Best of luck!

Mrin
__________________
2014 No Contact Guide
Mrin is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 7:51 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: USA
Posts: 541
I also do not advocate lying.

I think you can keep it simple with the facts. Say a vague statement about how he was a good guy, you had some fun memories together, but in the end you just wanted different things or weren't a match. Haven't talked in several years.

If the man persists in pushing you for more details, insert a joke like, "if I wanted to talk about my ex all night, I wouldn't be out here with you (small laugh)."

Then deflect and ask him a different question or turn it back on him and watch for red flags as he talks about his ex, haha.

Though, there is something to be said for not dating until you're over someone... have you done any kind of process or therapy in order to help you move forward from this man in the years since you've dated?
healing light is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 8:13 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Art_Critic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 30,697
When I was single and dating anytime I ever asked someone about their ex's or past relationships it was all to see if they are over it, been down that road before where I had put in a few weeks and then they say they went back to their ex and you're like WTF, thanks for that...

So I think your answer should quickly touch on it but in no way should you give details, just speak in tones and words that shows you have moved on and no longer looking to go back to an ex...
Art_Critic is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 8:14 PM   #19
Established Member
 
Art_Critic's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Posts: 30,697
I like healing light's reply.. ^
Art_Critic is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 8:25 PM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 724
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mrin View Post
Lying is a bad thing period - don't do it. I think if I had learned that a woman I was in a relationship had lied to me initially then I would be very wary about trusting her going forward.
1. 3 years single, since 2016. But I still have a soft spot for my ex.
2. If he called me back now, as a single girl? I am not sure how I would act anyone. In the past, I would have given anything to have him back. I think my heart thought he would come back. I thought I was a good gf, but not good enough for him I suppose. After so long you kinda give up that hope. Knowing him, I don't think he would come back. If he hasn't reached out till now, I doubt he will in the future.
3. No, I am a faithful person. I was kind to him, loved him. I wouldn't have done doing anything to hurt him. I only had eyes for him. I would have done anything to see him smile and happy. I really loved him so much. I was so in love. I just wanted him to love me too.

All that being said, let me ask you this - if you met a wonderful amazing man and created a healthy relationship with him if your Ex called you up in the middle of the night and asked for you back, what would you do?

I don't know. I guess it would depend on who I was in love with more. If my feelings for the new guy were stronger, then I could probably let my ex go. Plus, my ex's actions tell me he doesn't seem to like me very much as a person. It was like a flip of a switch. From smiling and being happy to see me, to "stone face" and avoidance. I don't see him seeking me out ever again. I don't think the new guy has to worry about anything. Its probably why I am trying to find new love in the first place. Then I could be at peace.

As I mentioned, I can't really lie about how I feel, ever. I never tried to go that route, but some other posters mentioned that is what I should do, but I wasn't sure.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 17th March 2019 at 11:03 PM..
HiCrunchy is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 8:44 PM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 724
Quote:
Originally Posted by healing light View Post
I also do not advocate lying.

I think you can keep it simple with the facts. Say a vague statement about how he was a good guy, you had some fun memories together, but in the end you just wanted different things or weren't a match. Haven't talked in several years.

If the man persists in pushing you for more details, insert a joke like, "if I wanted to talk about my ex all night, I wouldn't be out here with you (small laugh)."

Then deflect and ask him a different question or turn it back on him and watch for red flags as he talks about his ex, haha.

Though, there is something to be said for not dating until you're over someone... have you done any kind of process or therapy in order to help you move forward from this man in the years since you've dated?
This is a good reply. I think I will use that line and deflect.

I have gone to therapy. They just wanted to talk about my attachment style and family life. I stopped going after a while. It wasn't helpful in the slightest.


I didn't try dating for 3 years, I don't know how much longer it takes to move on. I just started trying recently, to try and meet someone new because I've healed/moved on enough to start doing so.

I have come to accept I will always love/miss him. And that's okay. Even if he hates me or doesn't care about my existence anymore, it doesn't matter. He doesn't have to be a part of my life/be my boyfriend for me to love him. He doesn't even have love or care about me. I am learning to love my ex unconditionally and without expectations. Learning to be happy for him and his new life. It's painful, but I think it is the best thing I can do. He isn't coming back.

Now, this doesn't mean I can't love another person. I am looking for that love to take the space of partner in my life. I am accepting things as they are, and moving forward the best way I see how.

Last edited by HiCrunchy; 17th March 2019 at 8:46 PM..
HiCrunchy is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 8:50 PM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 724
Quote:
Originally Posted by Art_Critic View Post
When I was single and dating anytime I ever asked someone about their ex's or past relationships it was all to see if they are over it, been down that road before where I had put in a few weeks and then they say they went back to their ex and you're like WTF, thanks for that...

So I think your answer should quickly touch on it but in no way should you give details, just speak in tones and words that shows you have moved on and no longer looking to go back to an ex...
I haven't talked to my ex in years so no risk of going back but my tone would give the sense that I am not "nonchalant".
Plus you can't really go back to someone that doesn't want you.

Last edited by HiCrunchy; 17th March 2019 at 8:59 PM..
HiCrunchy is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 9:54 PM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,570
Just a side note -

It doesn't matter whether or not you think your ex WILL ever come back, it's about YOUR feelings.

Look at it this way - would you want to get involved with a guy who was hung up on his ex girlfriend even though there was no chance she would ever want him back? He would still be hung up on her and with you as second choice. Don't do that to anyone.

I think instead of figuring out how to lie about or avoid the topic you should consider therapy to help you once and for all get over your ex. You cant have a happy and fulfilling relationship with anyone else until you do. And again, it's not fair to the other person.
Finding my way is offline  
Old 17th March 2019, 10:34 PM   #24
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 724
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Just a side note -

It doesn't matter whether or not you think your ex WILL ever come back, it's about YOUR feelings.

Look at it this way - would you want to get involved with a guy who was hung up on his ex girlfriend even though there was no chance she would ever want him back? He would still be hung up on her and with you as second choice. Don't do that to anyone.

I think instead of figuring out how to lie about or avoid the topic you should consider therapy to help you once and for all get over your ex. You cant have a happy and fulfilling relationship with anyone else until you do. And again, it's not fair to the other person.
Someone I loved is gone from my life forever. People seem to take breakups to lightly, but to me, it was like he died. If my ex had died, I think people would be more understanding of my feelings. Maybe happylemming was right about saying he was in an accident...

The way you feel about someone doesn't change just because they don't love you any more or because the relationship is over. Therapy can't change your feelings. It can't change love you feel for someone. I truly loved him. And the fact that I feel the same way now, reassures me that my feelings were genuine.

People can love more than one person at a time. I just have to learn how to do that. I have moved on enough to find other people attractive and consider dating others. I can love again. And I deserve to find love too.
HiCrunchy is offline  
Old 18th March 2019, 1:43 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 859
Women ask all the same stuff.
l just said well we won't get into it now , maybe later on, when and if we know each other better.
chillii is offline  
Old 18th March 2019, 3:40 PM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 884
Quote:
Originally Posted by HiCrunchy View Post
People can love more than one person at a time. I just have to learn how to do that. I have moved on enough to find other people attractive and consider dating others. I can love again. And I deserve to find love too.
you can say this to your date.

if this is how you feel then you can also accept someone who still loves his ex. And you would see no reason to lie. I've dated widowers who will love the spouse forever. He still says "my wife". There is no problem.
Gretchen12 is offline  
Old 18th March 2019, 3:56 PM   #27
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 266
Quote:
Originally Posted by HiCrunchy View Post
Someone I loved is gone from my life forever. People seem to take breakups to lightly, but to me, it was like he died. If my ex had died, I think people would be more understanding of my feelings.
Iíve lost a boyfriend to cancer, and Iíve had breakups. Iím sorry, but they are completely two different things. In one of them, we were both happy and things were amazing and life simply took him from me. In the other, the guy lost feelings for me and broke up. Both hurt, but Iím sorry, death was much more difficult than the break up. One was still alive and well, the other was burried in the ground and gone for good.
You still have feelings for someone whoís alive. I wouldnít want to date someone who still had feelings for their ex, personally. I wouldnít suggest lying, because if it comes up with people around and your friends are like : ę Hum, her ex isnít dead Ľ, I think it would initiate a sh*tstorm.
You do deserve to find love again, but once your heart will be ready. Thatís my opinion
SophieG is offline  
Old 18th March 2019, 4:31 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 724
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gretchen12 View Post
you can say this to your date.

if this is how you feel then you can also accept someone who still loves his ex. And you would see no reason to lie. I've dated widowers who will love the spouse forever. He still says "my wife". There is no problem.
I wish I could. But most people cant handle this.
Egos get in the way. Lying feels like it is becoming my only option.
HiCrunchy is offline  
Old 18th March 2019, 4:39 PM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 724
Quote:
Originally Posted by SophieG View Post
Iíve lost a boyfriend to cancer, and Iíve had breakups. Iím sorry, but they are completely two different things. In one of them, we were both happy and things were amazing and life simply took him from me. In the other, the guy lost feelings for me and broke up. Both hurt, but Iím sorry, death was much more difficult than the break up. One was still alive and well, the other was burried in the ground and gone for good.
You still have feelings for someone whoís alive. I wouldnít want to date someone who still had feelings for their ex, personally. I wouldnít suggest lying, because if it comes up with people around and your friends are like : ę Hum, her ex isnít dead Ľ, I think it would initiate a sh*tstorm.
You do deserve to find love again, but once your heart will be ready. Thatís my opinion
To me it is more comforting knowing that my loved one didnt choose to leave but rather was taken from me by life. It wasnt in their control. And they lived their complete life happy to be with you and you with them.

On the other hand, having some decide that ur so intolerable that they rather forget u exist, and living their life without u to me is a more painful thought. Sure they are breathing, and alive but what then? He is no longer in my life, and worst of it is that it was by choice.
If a tree Falls down in a forest, and no one is around to hear it does it make a sound?

But that is also my own perspective.
HiCrunchy is offline  
Old 18th March 2019, 5:39 PM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 859
When it's a serious thing between you he'll understand.
My gf understands that l needed time and l kept reassuring her it was just a time thing for me.
And she still thinks about her ex h too, it's all understandable to my mind.
We get older , there's usually been someone, we can't hold that against each other.
There's a difference between that, and them just being stuck and you'll never live up to the ex and bla bla

Last edited by chillii; 18th March 2019 at 5:43 PM..
chillii is offline  
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Iíve done everything they ask yet they still cheat. PrincessTempany Dating 24 11th January 2013 4:47 PM
They want a woman badly and chase after her, but once they get her they really don't pinkroses In Search Of... 12 21st August 2003 9:35 PM
What are they looking for when they ask me "what are you thinking?" CaterpillarGirl General Relationship Discussion 2 5th August 2003 3:59 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 11:27 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.