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Difficulty getting my mind off it


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Old 23rd February 2019, 11:25 PM   #1
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Difficulty getting my mind off it

Lately, I've been feeling an intense longing to have someone in my life, but I really don't want to be feeling that way. It doesn't make any sense for me, because I don't have my life together at all, and I don't see it coming together better any time soon, so I'm not exactly in a position to be dating. Besides, I'm in my 30s and I've never even dated at all because I've always been socially backwards, and I'm not meeting anyone, so it's not like dating is a possibility anyway.

Any advice on how to get over this "longing" quicker? It's not like I don't have hobbies and work to occupy my time, but none of it is really getting my mind off it enough.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 11:41 PM   #2
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Why fight it as so hard. Maybe just watch sappy romantic comedies and blubber until it works it's way out of the (your) system. Sometimes I just simply give myself over to these type of tidal feelings until they pass by me. It may be terrible advice and everybody operates differently, but that's what gets me through the moment. I give into it if it's a mostly harmless and fleeting feeling and let it move through me and then float on beyond me again.
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Old 23rd February 2019, 11:58 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alice82 View Post
Why fight it as so hard. Maybe just watch sappy romantic comedies and blubber until it works it's way out of the (your) system. Sometimes I just simply give myself over to these type of tidal feelings until they pass by me. It may be terrible advice and everybody operates differently, but that's what gets me through the moment. I give into it if it's a mostly harmless and fleeting feeling and let it move through me and then float on beyond me again.
lol Well, for what it's worth, I'm a guy. It's more just annoying, than anything else. I don't like getting stuck on things that aren't reasonable for me, and it's just been hanging in the back of my head for several weeks, now.
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Old 24th February 2019, 1:06 AM   #4
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The only way I can think of to get over the "longing" quicker is to channel those feelings somewhere else.

Maybe focus on building friendships (rather than romantic) for now, through online groups or in person, and build your confidence interacting with people socially.

Another alternative is volunteering for a cause you care about and meet like minded people that way. Find a way to start feeling more connected. It is clear from all your previous threads that this is something you really need.

It doesn't have to be big huge steps but just something to start breaking out of your comfort zone a little.
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Old 24th February 2019, 9:40 AM   #5
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Life is the journey, not the destination. You don't have to have everything together to start a relationship.

The longing is your soul telling you that you need a companion. It's natural. Not something to get over.

It's hard when every aspect of your life is out of whack: family, relationship, health, spirituality, finances, etc. You need balance to be happy. Read some books by life coaches & take steps to start plans to harmonize everything. Celebrate your little successes & they will build to bigger ones. On that upward progression you are likely to meet somebody.
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Old 24th February 2019, 3:10 PM   #6
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Someone would have to be unbelievably accepting to date me as I am now, lol. I sure as heck wouldn't want to date me. I need to be able to offer something, and I don't right now and I don't know when or if I will.

I'm actually not that interested in "looking". I don't have enough time in the day to find ways to meet people, heh. Between work and hobbies and trying to figure out how to get my life together, I feel like I don't have time for anything. @_@ I have a couple friends and that's nice but I'm not much of a social butterfly. It just bugs me that I want to be with someone even though I know it doesn't make any sense for me. Ah well, just thought I'd ask. Thanks, guys!
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Old 24th February 2019, 5:41 PM   #7
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I agree with d0nnivain. The longing is there for a reason, it's an instinct. It's not going to just go away and you shouldn't try to just get over it.

Being busy with hobbies and work is good as long as you keep things in perspective and balance. After work (because you have to support yourself before you do anything else!) your next priority should be working on whatever issues you think mean it doesn't make sense for you to have a relationship.

What specifically are those issues, why do you think you don't have your life together? Maybe input from posters here can help you re-frame the way you look at them or suggest how to "get things together". That may not be something you're interested in exploring, but again, your longings aren't going to just go away. I think it makes sense to work on the blockages keeping you from what you are longing for instead.
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Old 24th February 2019, 5:58 PM   #8
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If you feel you can't be in a relationship, get you a couple of dogs. They're great cuddlers and no one will ever love you more purely. First get a place with a yard and a dog door. Makes it so much easier.

If it's love and sex you're wanting, you're going to have to get out of your comfort zone.
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Old 24th February 2019, 9:29 PM   #9
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I think I know what I need to work on, but it's going to take time. Like, years. And that's assuming things work out well. Right now, I work a job with no future that pays a less than desirable wage and I live with family. That might be "cute" for someone in their early or mid 20s but unacceptable for a guy in his 30s. I feel more like a child than an adult and no one wants to date a child.

I don't even have the perspective on dating or relationship etiquette or how to be with someone so I don't have that to offer. I'm not even sure I have time for dating (same reason I can't, in good conscience, get a pet) let alone trying to look for someone. I don't have the interest in trying to make time to go hang out at bars or join a club or volunteer in hopes of meeting someone when I know I don't click with people anyway.

It's funny in a weird sort of way because I have this desire but because of my situation, I don't have any intent or interest in doing anything with it so it's kind of wasted on me. I'd rather not be thinking about that kind of thing when I have more important things to be focusing on. But I guess it is what it is, hopefully it passes in the near future and I can get back to focusing on what's important and doable.
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:49 AM   #10
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Sounds like you lack confidence and self awareness to not make every opportunity available or maybe you don't even see them.Something up to this point has heal you back might want to figure that out. As far as dating what you have doesn't control that you do and having enough self esteem to approach. You are talking about dating not getting married and supporting a family. It may even help you with your confidence, drive and self esteem. it's a date not a lifelong commitment.



The other problem is your 'e placing your value on what you have materialistic. That you're trying to make your value as a provider is troubling, if that's the only game you have then plan on being forever lonely. Because you will forever set you goals for women too high without anything to offer a high value woman. Work on your confidence issues and then you may have the ability to ask some one out and quit worrying about being a provider until you start dating some one exclusively .
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