Just learned a really important lesson about infatuation

[EthanBlack]

I'm not sure this is gonna be of use to anyone. I just want to share my 2 cents on something that has been bothering me a long time.

 

You know how everyone keeps telling you that rejection is more about the other person or things beyond your control and that it's not all totally about you? I always had a hard time with that. Especially when there's another guy involved. Say you both like the same girl and the girl chooses the other guy over you. In this situation, how could it not be personal? There must be something about you or something you give off that informed her decision.

 

I thought about it a lot and the thing is this. Sometimes the girl we think we should be with is not the kinda person we should be with. This is especially relevant for guys since we're visual and we let her looks blind us. Mind you, I'm not saying you should all of a sudden be giving girls you have no physical attraction to a chance but hear me out.

 

Sometimes what looks good on the surface isn't actually who suits you. For example, I'm an artsy guy. When I meet a girl who is also artsy and I'm physically attracted to her, I think, wow this must be a potential match. Cause we like similar types of music or we have similar taste in fashion. Except in so many instances, it didn't turn out to be a good match. Cause when you actually get to know the real person and you begin spending time together day in day out, sometimes it just feels off. You're not compatible and you'd probably do better as just friends.

 

There are other times you totally click with a girl who you have nothing in common with. For example, she's probably not your physical type. Maybe she's of a different build or body type. Maybe she's not even the typical ethnic group you tend to date. She's athletic and when not wearing yoga pants, she's wearing jeans. She doesn't care about fashion. Music to her is just something she listens to while cooking or cleaning. But somehow, you just vibe. There's a warmth and comfort when you're interacting with her. Cause when you engage with her, there is eye contact. You look at each other in group situations. And she makes you laugh, even when she's bitching or complaining. Somehow your personalities vibe even though you think her music taste is **** and she thinks you're vain because you're a guy but you care more about clothes than her. But you think of her as your equal. You don't idealize her or put her above yourself. You're not afraid to call her out when she's wrong and she's the same.

 

The above are just examples from my own life.

 

The problem here is lack of knowledge about self and also an idealization of others.

 

If you admire and highly respect someone, you tend to think of things that just aren't there. She has qualities or abilities you wish you had yourself. Or maybe her looks are just so appealing you're blinded.

 

I'm not saying these type of relationships don't work. But thing is, the admiration/respect has to be two-sided. She has to think similarly about you. And so then maybe you complement each other and something could work. Then maybe over time, you can share your vulnerabilities and get to know each other. But often, it never reaches this stage because you don't feel comfortable revealing your true self to her. You're trying to sell her on an image of yourself that you created which is an idealization of your own true self.

 

But even then, it's better to be with someone who you just feel naturally is your equal. You don't think she's better than you. You respect her but you don't idealize her. You just vibe together well and there's an open-ness and honesty. You're not afraid to let her into your world and let her see the real you, both the good and the bad.

 

And yah, that's my rant. I recently have been recovering from a rejection in which I felt a certain girl "got away." And I keep thinking what I could have done to prevent this. And in conclusion, I realize, we're just not compatible, despite her looking great on paper. I didn't think of her as an equal. I put her on a pedestal. I idealized her. And I didn't let her get to know me, the real me. I sold her on someone I thought she would like but it turns out, she wasn't even looking for that. She was looking for someone she vibed with and we just didn't vibe, despite what looked good on paper.

 

And yah, that's it.

[preraph]

The reason people say it's "not personal" is because each person has their preferences, and you have no idea what that woman's preferences are, so if she rejects you, I mean, it's not necessarily something wrong with you. It's just her preferences are different, whether physically or emotionally. Like she may be looking for someone with the temperament of her favorite uncle, for example. And you're not it, so she waits for someone she relates to that way. Just an example.

 

I totally agree with you it works out better if you both feel equal to each other, whether that means you have a lot in common or just means you each have your own separate paths but respect each other.

 

As far as your person you describe who is easy to be with, some of that is just that there are people who are so general and mainstream, in a way, that they get along with a whole lot of different people. They may be so tolerant they attract bad people into their lives, in fact. But they are just laid back and can be with any number of people. I think those people do well if they're just not so tolerant they mess up their relationship tolerating people trying to take advantage of their openness.

[EthanBlack]

 

As far as your person you describe who is easy to be with, some of that is just that there are people who are so general and mainstream, in a way, that they get along with a whole lot of different people. They may be so tolerant they attract bad people into their lives, in fact. But they are just laid back and can be with any number of people. I think those people do well if they're just not so tolerant they mess up their relationship tolerating people trying to take advantage of their openness.

 

I've never met a woman who was attractive who would set the bar that low for choosing a boyfriend/husband/lover. Maybe it works that way for friendship and yeah certainly some people have a very "mainstream" personality that gets along with most people. These people tend to be "popular" and have a lot of friends and acquaintances.

 

But for romantic relationship, most girls I've known are very, very particular which is exactly why guys shouldn't take a rejection so personally. Cause it's literally exactly like the example you gave, some girls want someone whose personality or demeanor reminds them of their father or their uncle. You can be an awesome guy in every way including good looks but if she doesn't have that feeling around you, she ain't gonna be with you.

 

Another one is reminding them of someone special from their childhood. There was this one girl who liked me because I reminded her of a childhood friend she had and who had to move away and she cried and was heartbroken over it. It turns out I was NOTHING like her friend but I simply looked like him.

 

I think often, guys are quick to think they were rejected due to their looks (or lack of) or because they don't make enough money or their social status isn't high enough. Certainly these things matter but in many times, you're rejected for reasons like the above. You simply didn't make a girl feel a certain way and there's no possible way you could have.