Does it seem like struggling men vs women threads seem to get different advice?

[Chris2016]

This been on my mind.

Not to derail's OP's thread.

Mod, please separate thread, if it is?

 

Is it me or does it seem like struggling men vs women threads seem to get different advice?

 

Guys seem to be told date down, in your league, improve yourself, etc.?

 

Ladies seem to be told, it's not you.

Like in the thread, I'm done with "dating".

The OP is told, take a break, work on your happiness, you'll find Mr. Right. etc. ... And here I'm thinking maybe it is the OP? Maybe she need to date down or within her league?

 

In either case/gender, I do think the common denominator is you.

 

If you have to date down, do so.

If "dating down" means success and finds you happiness, then is it really dating down?

[basil67]

Pffft. I'm a woman and I've never said "it's not you". It's usually quite obvious what they are doing wrong and I have no problem telling them.

Edited October 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact full quote of starting post

[carhill]

OP, take away the anonymity and safety of the internet and move into your real life. Do you see men and women getting different dating advice from the same people? If yes, in what way?

 

On the internet anyone can be anyone and there's no way to hold anyone accountable. Men can be women, women can be men, some can be both, robots can be either. Advice is letters on a page of electrons.

 

IME, being here now over a decade and moderating for over half that time, save for very few instances where cliques attack specific members, I see the advice offered as pretty individual and gender-blind. Sometimes it gets a bit preachy but generally with IMO good intentions.

 

However, men and women are different, are genetically wired differently, are socialized differently and engage and react in different ways beyond their individuality. Their perceptions and processing as unique genders is different enough that reams of books have been written on bridging those gaps. I think the advice provided in a seldom read sticky thread by one of our long departed female moderators was very wise, that of posting to engage rather than to preach, to share ideas in a collaborative way. Lost art? IDK.

[d0nnivain]

I do think that some of the advice is different but the way the Q gets framed is also different.

 

Many men ask Qs about how to get any women to talk to them. Their issues are broader in that they need basic social skills.

 

Women are usually asking about why 1 particular man doesn't treat her well. The answer to that is usually because she has weak boundaries & tolerates the bad behavior. She has no problems with the initial interaction / getting the 1st few dates but can't figure out where things were wrong.

 

When the Qs are the same, the advice is usually the same. I have told men who are being taken advantage of by bad women to get out. I have told women who cry that they can't get any dates to freshen up their wardrobes, get out there & smile more.

[thefooloftheyear]

I don't normally participate in these gender things,....but yeah, there is some truth to what the OP is saying...You see it on here quite often..

 

Its like people who have affairs...

 

When a guy does it, he's usually seen as the louse, the pig, the scumbag,. etc...when its the woman, you hear a lot of "her emotional needs weren't being met" or some other crap alluding to the fact that she had no other options...

 

I guess its just human nature...

 

TFY

[hotpotato]

I've been told to date down. I've been told specifically to not date hotties.

 

That being said, man and women will often get different advice bc of different different dating issues

[Chilli]

I don't normally participate in these gender things,....but yeah, there is some truth to what the OP is saying...You see it on here quite often..

 

Its like people who have affairs...

 

When a guy does it, he's usually seen as the louse, the pig, the scumbag,. etc...when its the woman, you hear a lot of "her emotional needs weren't being met" or some other crap alluding to the fact that she had no other options...

 

I guess its just human nature...

 

TFY

 

 

 

Yeah true , heard that one many a time.

Or well , she would've been checked out 12mths ago , he just didn't pick it up.

Somehow the fact that she never said a word and just went screwed around , is still his fault.

But you could say exactly the same thing if a guy went and screwed round , but nope , he gets the full treatment.

Just sayin.

 

To op's thing , well , there is the point on meeting people too that things do work differently for men and women too.

Again just sayin , so in part at least some advice would be different.

[ZA Dater]

I think the OP is correct. More than that I feel that men are treated far more harshly.

 

 

I know for fact that if you use fake pictures on Tinder you get tons more matches, yet forever we are told here its men who are superficial?

 

 

You can have a best personality but it matters not one jot. Dating down, for those who suggest that, how many would ever do it? I suspect none would.

 

 

The best advice people can take is to be happy, with someone or without them. Be dateless and sad is a heck of lot worse than being dateless and having things to look forward to.

[hotpotato]

Maybe I've gotten harsher treatment than other women here, but I've had people go straight up crazy on me! Someone attempted to basically read my mind and call me a liar. Implied i was telling men i wanted to "ride" them when i was asking for platonic friendship. Been told more or less that I had it coming bc I had breast implants despite the fact the 99.8% of my dating was presurgery.

 

I've been told that men flat out didn't like me and that's why they were trying to hump and dump me. "They just don't want YOU!!!"

 

I've been told to stop dating hotties even though I never exclusively dated hotties. When i dated, esp when i was using pof, i dated a variety of guys. The is plan is that myself who loves working out should consider dating much less attractive men. It's my fault for dating hotties even though I had the same or more problems with less attractive guys.

[GoodOnPaper]

I do think that some of the advice is different but the way the Q gets framed is also different.

 

Many men ask Qs about how to get any women to talk to them. Their issues are broader in that they need basic social skills.

 

Women are usually asking about why 1 particular man doesn't treat her well.

 

Yes - in most cases, pressure points can be very different for men and women. As a struggling guy, the initial meeting/attraction stage was by far the most difficult and painful part of the whole process. A lot of women seem to judge whether they are struggling based on converting casual relationships to something more exclusive and meaningful. Although sometimes, these problems with genders reversed pop up on LS.

 

If you have to date down, do so.

If "dating down" means success and finds you happiness, then is it really dating down?

 

I think there is an assumption that once a struggling guy manages to run into a woman who's interested in him, he's so grateful that he forgets whether he's dating "up", "down", or "sideways". I don't know - personally, I was aware that my wife was more interested than I was but I don't think I ever thought of it as "dating down".

[hotpotato]

Yes - in most cases, pressure points can be very different for men and women. As a struggling guy, the initial meeting/attraction stage was by far the most difficult and painful part of the whole process. A lot of women seem to judge whether they are struggling based on converting casual relationships to something more exclusive and meaningful. Although sometimes, these problems with genders reversed pop up on LS.

 

 

 

I think there is an assumption that once a struggling guy manages to run into a woman who's interested in him, he's so grateful that he forgets whether he's dating "up", "down", or "sideways". I don't know - personally, I was aware that my wife was more interested than I was but I don't think I ever thought of it as "dating down".

 

I can agree with that. Also, I think it's insulating to think someone is so desperate they will automatically be nice to the person they're dating.

 

Also, some people on ls seem to believe that unattractive men by default are kind, gentle souls. HA! I don't know if the same implications are made of women, but on ls unattractive men are wonderful by default and attractive men are bad and troublesome. People just aren't that simple.

[brigit87]

Also, some people on ls seem to believe that unattractive men by default are kind, gentle souls. HA!

 

Yep. Plenty of men are unattractive on the inside as well. Rule of thumb date someone who is at your same level of attractiveness. The nastiest guys I dated were below my attractive level. And the level is pretty obvious to both the daters and others. Stay in your lane. LOL.

[sabaton]

Is it me or does it seem like struggling men vs women threads seem to get different advice?

That's because men and women have their own personal struggles in the dating world, that are associated to their own gender.

 

 

Guys seem to be told date down, in your league, improve yourself, etc.?

Yes, because when guys show up saying that they don't have any woman attracted to them, they usually mean in their own words to say that the hot, young women that they want don't want them.

 

Like this guy on another thread complaining that Asian women only want white men, and then complaining that white women ''aren't'' interested in Asian men, and then whinning that he's a 3 who worked so hard to become a 5/10 and still,

 

that this gorgeous 8/10 girl won't date him and how unfair it is that gorgeous and fit women want men who are in their league, and how angry he is that lesser men than him are with the women he wants.

 

Sometimes I wish I had studied psychology in college. I bet this guy would be a field day for a therapist.

 

They're not paying attention to the women in their own league who'd happily date them.

 

Ladies seem to be told, it's not you.

Nah.

 

women get told when they're aiming for men out of their reach, dating jerks, dating men without ambition, they get called out when the reason they're failing with men is because of themselves, not because of men as a collective.

 

In either case/gender, I do think the common denominator is you.

Yes. Pretty much this. People date who they manage to date, and if people aren't finding success with the person they want it's because they're not good enough for those folks.

 

If you have to date down, do so.

 

I think the OP is correct. More than that I feel that men are treated far more harshly.

How so? In the Countries and cultures outside of the western world? It's women who are treated far more harshly. In the western nations? Men get treated far more harshly? How? Where? When? Why is that? If that actually happens?

 

I know for fact that if you use fake pictures on Tinder you get tons more matches, yet forever we are told here its men who are superficial?

I'm sorry, how exactly is a person shallow for having personal preferences and for wanting someone they are attracted to? A man doesn't need to look like a 25 year old Hugh Jackman with the buffness he has in his 50s for women to want him, and there's 150 million women in the USA alone, 350 million women in Europe, and there's infinitely more women meeting their hook-ups and dating partners and boyfriends and husbands in real life, through their social circles, by being approached by men, by going to singles events, by meeting men in their college campus and in their workplaces than there are women using tinder, or other online dating apps.

 

 

There's no comparison between the numbers of men on Tinder, and how many women are there, and there's more guys just looking for a lay than there are women who are at an all times just looking for casual sex over a long-term relationship, and guess what tinder is for, mostly?

 

You can have a best personality but it matters not one jot. Dating down, for those who suggest that, how many would ever do it? I suspect none would.

Your personality will make you more attractive and more appealing if you fulfill women's minimum requirements for them to find you to be attractive, and their standards are incredibly low, even if the women are young and attractive:

 

Don't be overweight, have low body fat - easy.

Don't be 5 feet tall, it sucks for those who are much shorter than average but hey, there's always shorter women around.

Don't have a desfigured face.

 

 

All it takes is for the guy to be average-looking and to make her enjoy the time she spends with him, by making her laugh, by having a vivacious personality, by being confident and self-assured, and in many cases that pretty girl will want to go out on a date with him.

Edited October 16, 2018 by sabaton

[Chilli]

Yep. Plenty of men are unattractive on the inside as well. Rule of thumb date someone who is at your same level of attractiveness. The nastiest guys I dated were below my attractive level. And the level is pretty obvious to both the daters and others. Stay in your lane. LOL.

 

 

Funny you should say that same goes both ways.

Some of the worst women l've seen friends with that aren't even nice people and basically just treat him like shyt to boot , even when he's also far better looking and she's damn lucky to have him, have also been absolute well , how do l say this nicely.

Starts with a d , ahh.

And ya just think wtf is he even doing with her let alone putting up with that.

[outwithpeterpan]

I find it hard to give tough love advice to women in real life. When my girlfriends (the platonic sense) come crying to me about some guy, or how they can't find a good man, I just nod along and not really think about being constructive. Whereas with my boys, I'll be harsh and actually help them solve the problem.

 

Its admittedly a double standard. But hey I ain't perfect. And girls seem to get annoyed when you try to help anyway.

[sabaton]

Funny you should say that same goes both ways.

Some of the worst women l've seen friends with that aren't even nice people and basically just treat him like shyt to boot , even when he's also far better looking and she's damn lucky to have him, have also been absolute well , how do l say this nicely.

Starts with a d , ahh.

And ya just think wtf is he even doing with her let alone putting up with that.

 

 

That's funny, because with me is the complete opposite. The more attractive the girl is, the most sunny her personality is, the sweeter she is to me, the more she enjoys talking, and the more feminine she is, and god knows how much of a weakness I have for ultra feminine women.

[Chilli]

I find it hard to give tough love advice to women in real life. When my girlfriends (the platonic sense) come crying to me about some guy, or how they can't find a good man, I just nod along and not really think about being constructive. Whereas with my boys, I'll be harsh and actually help them solve the problem.

 

Its admittedly a double standard. But hey I ain't perfect. And girls seem to get annoyed when you try to help anyway.

 

 

l was just about to ask why do you think your like that with the girls , but then your last line.

 

l find it hard to and if l tell them the truth, assuming l could even explain it in the first place even when l can see all the issues right in front on me , l know damn well they ain't gonna like it.

Or at other times it would almost be cruel to say the truth andddd, l don't wanna hurt someones feelings and make them feel even worse.

 

l even have a sister too with the worst man record you ever saw, she's in her 40s now but even back when she was 18 19 , l could see she'd have a life long struggle.

lt's just her personality and thinking.

But how do you even explain to her she's got a personality guys hate.?

lt's not only too complex to even explain anyway , but she does have a really good heart of gold non the less and l can't just tell her she has this fkd personality thing.

[Chilli]

That's funny, because with me is the complete opposite. The more attractive the girl is, the most sunny her personality is, the sweeter she is to me, the more she enjoys talking, and the more feminine she is, and god knows how much of a weakness I have for ultra feminine women.

 

 

Yeah l find the same , and don't worry l have the same weakness too.

[stillafool]

I notice this a lot in the OW/OM forum. The women who are engaging in affairs with MM get much more sympathy than men who are in affairs with MW. It seems that OW are treated as victims and OM are home wreckers.

[Chilli]

I notice this a lot in the OW/OM forum. The women who are engaging in affairs with MM get much more sympathy than men who are in affairs with MW. It seems that OW are treated as victims and OM are home wreckers.

 

yep , brought similar up somewhere myself this thread or another but anyway.

the wives that go screw around get the same royal treatment.

and you should see what they get when they destroy the family and marriage red carpet and shoulders to cry on all round , even from gov agencies and courts.