Meeting people who share my esoteric interests

[ConflictedPerson]

At the moment, I'm looking for (optimally) a relationship with a woman (generally, not one in particular), but there are certain things about me ("constraints", one might call them) that make we wonder how probable (or improbable) it is to find a woman who either shares my priorities or at least is accommodating (I'm pretty accommodating myself, if that helps).

 

So, in general (I'll note that I'm 27 at the moment), I'm not looking for a relationship-as-tryout-for-marriage. I'm at best not sure I ever want to get married or have children, so I don't really want the 'pseudo-marriage' steady-state. For example, I don't want to be expected to spend nearly all of my free time with someone I'm in a relationship. This seems to be a common expectation. But I'm a fairly introverted person who is accustomed to having lots of alone time, and works a lot. Spending, say a few evenings a week together would be optimal to me.

 

A second example: I don't like having to text someone back really soon. If I'm at work, or biking, or just not paying attention to my phone (and I aspire to pay fairly little attention to my phone), I'd prefer someone who is fine with a text going unanswered for an hour or two.

 

Thirdly, and perhaps most contentiously, I don't really like sleeping in someone else's bed. I'm fine with it sometimes, but I would like to at least have the option - especially if I need to do something the next morning and actually need to sleep well - without the hypothetical woman being offended. I've slept on what most would consider a painfully firm bed my entire life and am just use to it, so I almost can't sleep in softer beds. Beyond that, I like to sleep with white noise in the background; and I seem to generate a bizarre amount of body heat, so whatever temperature is comfortable another person is probably way too hot for me; some have been alarmed at waking up, in the middle of winter, to find my half of the bed drenched in sweat. Cats usually seem to prefer sitting on me to their own owners because the unusual amount of warmth I generate. So yeah, it's a matter of comfort (and I'm someone who's already something of an insomniac). My most recent girlfriend was fairly accommodating and was fine with me going home to sleep and then we'd usually meet for breakfast the next day.

 

To me, none of these seem particularly unreasonable; but I've had at least one relationship where each has been an issue. Would you think that many women would be willing to tolerate these types of 'quirks.'

[preraph]

I think you can find someone. You actually want to spend a LOT of time. The texting shouldn't be an issue (or lack of it). A lot of people hate people who keep tabs all the time.

 

The sleeping in the same bed could be easily solved with twin or full beds in the same room if you wanted to stay close. A lot of older couples always want their own space for similar reasons, hot flashes, gassiness, arthritis. But I mean, you could negotiate it. No one wants to sleep with a big sweater. I had a bf once who was a real sweater. It's not pleasant. But someone will put up with you if you negotiate ways to minimize it. If a woman you want to live with insists you have to be in the same room, then get a separate bed in there and you can even bump it up next to hers if you want but be sure she knows to stay over on her side. King beds suffice if a person respects your request. And some women wouldn't care about that as long as you cuddled on the couch or in bed while watching tv before moving. Cuddling is important, so you've got to do it some.

 

Can't help you with the cats. You are the chosen. I have a cartoon on my fridge. This cat is sitting upright on a grumpy looking guy's lap just staring at him. It says, "You hate me. I like that in a man."

[ConflictedPerson]

I don't mind the cats; it does make the owners jealous though.

[ConflictedPerson]

Hello. I'm going to post another novel here I guess.

 

I am a man in his late 20s and I have considerable difficulty finding women who are compatible with me in terms of interests. I'm very introverted and cerebral and I guess have esoteric interests. I generally listen to classical music or jazz; I read a lot of 'classic' literature and academic research; I like 'intense' intellectual conversation (on my first date with my last girlfriend, we bonded over our shared amateur interest in economic theory at a wine bar).

 

So, how do I meet women who share my apparently rare interests? Well, I've gone on dates with women I met online who share a lot of similarities with me - academic types, phd candidates, particularly in the sciences like me; people who, in theory (and according to stereotypes) should be snobbish wine-drinking classical music aficionados.

 

Instead, basically all such women have the same interests as... well, almost everyone else it seems: pop music, sports, and reality TV (all three of which I don't like), and likely relatedly, don't have particularly compatible personalities with mine. With online dating, it's hard to select for people with truly compatible interests or personalities. I'm sadly almost convinced that my ex was the only woman in the world (or at least in the metropolitan area) who I could talk to about the things I love.

 

So, any suggestions on better wats? I'm not sure trying to pick up women at the orchestra is a viable option, but it's all I'm coming up with right not. Thanks for any help.

 

PS: in anticipation of someone mentioning meetup.com; this could be a possibility, but it has some drawbacks; the closest thing to a meetup related to my interests was a book club I went to and no one there was under 60.

[Els]

#1 and #3 wouldn't work for me, but #2 is perfectly fine. I would be quite concerned if an adult working a full-time job actually had time to text back every single hour.

 

 

But, that's just me. Other women have different preferences. There are a few women posting here about never wanting to live together with their man. Look it up.

 

 

The most difficult criteria you have would probably be the "never sleeping together" part. If you're having sex, it typically feels really strange for one person to just get up and go home afterwards. But if you're not having sex, or if you're willing to hang around and cuddle in bed before driving home, it might be a possibility. Lots of couples also have a second bedroom (so you'd adjourn to that bedroom when it's time to actually sleep), but since you seem to never want to live together, that wouldn't be a possibility for you.

[bathtub-row]

Given your age, a lot of women in the same age range probably aren’t going to be ok with a lot of those things. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t find anyone. It just means that the pool of women is smaller. Find someone who’s a lot like you, and make it clear upfront that this is how you are. That way, no surprises.

[Gretchen12]

I don't see anything unusual at all. No quirks. I expect texts to not be answered for a day no problem. I think you've dated a few incompatible people and you jumped to conclude that everyone is a certain way. Meet normal people and you'll see you're not unusual.

[d0nnivain]

Just be upfront but do be prepared to compromise a little. If you can agree to perhaps 1-2 dates per week & maybe every other time you sleep over but are willing to let her sleep over at your place it should be OK. Adults are patient about texting back; instantaneous is not required.

 

In time it gets easier to sleep with another person. I was older when I married & slept alone for a lot of years; I preferred it that way. When DH & I married we didn't really snuggle when drifting off to sleep; neither of us could sleep squished up against somebody else. We'd kinda touch at the ankles. Now after 10 years of marriage I sleep better with him then without him.

[losangelena]

I think as long as you're upfront about why you need these things, you should be able to find someone. A lot of these behaviors could be interpreted as "I don't like you very much," so as long as you make it clear that that's not the case, you should be fine.

[d0nnivain]

Attend classical & jazz concerts. They don't have to be the big famous ones at Carnegie Hall just find some local artists & follow them. There is an intermission. Smile & flirt then.

 

Attend nearby college lectures.

 

Go back to that wine bar.

 

Go back to the MeetUp book clubs. Those 60 year olds have kids, grandkids, nieces & friends with kids. They also love fixing up lonely young guys.

[No_Go]

I don't see a problem at all. Actually I found try-out-for-marriage relationships sickening. I had one of these and I hated my life every single day. Check my threads for dating a man-boy. I lost my hobbies, self-identity, and health. Not even hyperbolizing.

 

On 1) - that's perfect. Many introverted women out there too.

On 2) - no problem, as long as it is not playing games (not answering when you can). If you're doing something else and answer later - who cares.

On 3) - totally fine too. Someone said it is an issue if one leaves after sex - nope , simple solution: have sex during the day. It is nice to do it when you have all your energy anyway, not being tired and cranky right before falling asleep.

 

Actually the only concern is if you list these as 'constraints' if you are OLDing. I think these are so normal that they are not worth listing, just casually bring it up over time if the woman is not reading it from your behavior anyway.

[Els]

On 3) - totally fine too. Someone said it is an issue if one leaves after sex - nope , simple solution: have sex during the day. It is nice to do it when you have all your energy anyway, not being tired and cranky right before falling asleep.

 

 

So... you would NEVER have sex at night, only ever having it in the day? That might be a dealbreaker for some people, too...

 

 

 

 

Actually the only concern is if you list these as 'constraints' if you are OLDing. I think these are so normal that they are not worth listing, just casually bring it up over time if the woman is not reading it from your behavior anyway.

 

 

I disagree that they are "normal" (in the sense of behaviour that the majority might be used to), but as I said, the OP is certainly entitled to his choices and he shouldn't cave just because people don't agree with them. No point being in a relationship that isn't true to yourself.

[No_Go]

Never is a strong word but I personally don't have a problem with going home after sex too, so I don't have this constraint:) E.g. what's wrong to have sex, then prepare a quick bite/dinner, and then drive home?

 

Which of his preferences you find abnormal? For time alone, this is a very common one. For texting, I barely know an adult who insists on getting reply within an hour (?!). For sleeping separately, many LTR/married couples living together do it anyway (e.g. if one of them is snoring or has different schedule).

 

So... you would NEVER have sex at night, only ever having it in the day? That might be a dealbreaker for some people, too...

 

 

 

 

 

 

I disagree that they are "normal" (in the sense of behaviour that the majority might be used to), but as I said, the OP is certainly entitled to his choices and he shouldn't cave just because people don't agree with them. No point being in a relationship that isn't true to yourself.

[Els]

Never is a strong word but I personally don't have a problem with going home after sex too, so I don't have this constraint:) E.g. what's wrong to have sex, then prepare a quick bite/dinner, and then drive home?

 

Which of his preferences you find abnormal? For time alone, this is a very common one. For texting, I barely know an adult who insists on getting reply within an hour (?!). For sleeping separately, many LTR/married couples living together do it anyway (e.g. if one of them is snoring or has different schedule).

 

 

1. The majority of people who are interested in long-term, monogamous relationships eventually want to live together or get married (although, as mentioned in another thread, this isn't necessarily mutually exclusive with alone time)

2. As I said, I think #2 is perfectly normal

3. Sure, but sleeping in separate rooms is different from never spending the night in the same house, or always getting up and going home immediately after sex (which for most people DOES happen at night if it happens at all on weekdays, as they work in the daytime)

 

 

I don't think his preferences are "abnormal" per se, just less common. So he can want whatever he wants, but if he goes into it believing that "it's perfectly normal and most women will be OK with it", he might be in for a bit of disappointment. Better to mention it up front rather than waste both people's time.

[No_Go]

I am not sure about the bolded. If I was dating and someone tells me 'requirements' upfront, he'd turn me off. However, if I notices these patterns are natural for his behavior (i.e. not playing games) - i'd have accommodated.

 

OP explicitly mentioned he's not into playing house (he called it try-out-for-marriage relationship). I think many women will be on board with that, especially a little younger than him (say 21-25, where the bio-clock is not ticking yet:)).

 

always getting up and going home immediately after sex (which for most people DOES happen at night if it happens at all on weekdays, as they work in the daytime) - no idea where you're getting that from. In all my relationships it worked just fine going to one's house, having sex, eat/watch something/just talk afterward, and then going home. No need to jump right after sex and fly home or sleepover, these 2 are both extremes. [i and all men I dated were working daytime, but the schedule above is very easy to accommodate - e.g. 6 pm-11 pm, or 7 pm - midnight - ton of time to spend after sex before driving back].

 

1. The majority of people who are interested in long-term, monogamous relationships eventually want to live together or get married (although, as mentioned in another thread, this isn't necessarily mutually exclusive with alone time)

2. As I said, I think #2 is perfectly normal

3. Sure, but sleeping in separate rooms is different from never spending the night in the same house, or always getting up and going home immediately after sex (which for most people DOES happen at night if it happens at all on weekdays, as they work in the daytime)

 

 

I don't think his preferences are "abnormal" per se, just less common. So he can want whatever he wants, but if he goes into it believing that "it's perfectly normal and most women will be OK with it", he might be in for a bit of disappointment. Better to mention it up front rather than waste both people's time.

[Els]

I am not sure about the bolded. If I was dating and someone tells me 'requirements' upfront, he'd turn me off. However, if I notices these patterns are natural for his behavior (i.e. not playing games) - i'd have accommodated.

 

OP explicitly mentioned he's not into playing house (he called it try-out-for-marriage relationship). I think many women will be on board with that, especially a little younger than him (say 21-25, where the bio-clock is not ticking yet:)).

 

always getting up and going home immediately after sex (which for most people DOES happen at night if it happens at all on weekdays, as they work in the daytime) - no idea where you're getting that from. In all my relationships it worked just fine going to one's house, having sex, eat/watch something/just talk afterward, and then going home. No need to jump right after sex and fly home or sleepover, these 2 are both extremes. [i and all men I dated were working daytime, but the schedule above is very easy to accommodate - e.g. 6 pm-11 pm, or 7 pm - midnight - ton of time to spend after sex before driving back].

 

 

Yes, I understand that the OP is perfect for you.

 

 

However, his preferences simply don't match the majority of LTRs that I see. They do match casual dating patterns, but not the majority of people who have been together for 5 years or more. If he's into casual dating, fine. He says, "To me, none of these seem particularly unreasonable; but I've had at least one relationship where each has been an issue. Would you think that many women would be willing to tolerate these types of 'quirks.'" I am just being honest when I respond with, "No, but a few might."

[brigit87]

Instead, basically all such women have the same interests as... well, almost everyone else it seems: pop music, sports, and reality TV (all three of which I don't like)

 

This world has become an intellectual wasteland.

 

See if you can audit some master level classes at any colleges in your area.

[No_Go]

LOL I swear most of my female friends / acquaintances would be on board for all 3 requirements. Maybe it depends on the circles of people you're used to, so my definition or your definition of 'many'/'few' may not match.

 

I'd not call casual say 1+ year exclusive dating just because people avoid sleepovers and spend time on their own. Heck people do LDRs successfully meeting up few times per year. It is sometimes quality and quantity issue...

 

 

Yes, I understand that the OP is perfect for you.

 

 

However, his preferences simply don't match the majority of LTRs that I see. They do match casual dating patterns, but not the majority of people who have been together for 5 years or more. If he's into casual dating, fine. He says, "To me, none of these seem particularly unreasonable; but I've had at least one relationship where each has been an issue. Would you think that many women would be willing to tolerate these types of 'quirks.'" I am just being honest when I respond with, "No, but a few might."

[preraph]

I have a lot of background with music people of different types. I myself am strictly a hard rock, classic rock and glam rock lover. You have to find your niche, and a classical music niche is small most places. I mean, it's real old music and everyone has heard it all somewhere sometime. So there's not much of a scene except at the concerts themselves. However, if you're in the minority, you have to learn to be tolerant and not demand someone like the same music. You will find well rounded people who enjoy all types of music and aren't offended by it at least. I mean, unless it's all the time, I can tune classical music right out as background noise. I don't hate it but I don't want to be expected to pretend to pay much attention to it.

 

That said, I really love Mozart's unfinished Zaide. I loved the Kiri TeKanawa version at the time but this one is quite nice.

 

A lot of people can't tolerate jazz all that well, and I'm one of them. It really irritates me, but I loved Big Band Jazz and some New Orleans jazz, and most people like the "easy listening" mellow jazz enough they won't throw the stereo out the window at least. That said, I have a friend who can listen to anything and be happy. So they're out there, but to find someone who is just like you in what you like in this small niche, you'd have to really go to where the music is. You'll have to learn to tolerate other people's music. I had a bf who, even though he was a punk rocker, only seemed to ever play reggae on the stereo. Aarrrrgh. If I can do it, you can do it.

Edited August 20, 2018 by preraph