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I don't know what I want


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Old 12th August 2018, 9:17 AM   #1
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I don't know what I want

I don't know what I want but I know I want "something", and that makes me feel confused. I never dated at all because I'm an awkward kinda dude that's never hit it off with anyone and never really been very social. In my early 30s now, for what it's worth. I'd be lying if I said I didn't crave companionship and affection and intimacy, but I don't know what I want. I don't think I'm in the right place in my life for a "relationship" and I don't know that I'm actually open enough emotionally to have feelings for someone, at least not right now. And I don't want to unintentionally lead anyone on or cause them to get hurt. And I don't want anyone to be "my mistake". But what's the altnernative? I guess some people have "casual" relationships and hook-ups, and whatever, but that's like "advanced dating" and if I'm still struggling with the basics, I can't imagine that's realistic for me. Plus, as appealing as sex is, sex also sorta scares the **** outta me, because I know that I very much don't want children, and even taking all precautions there's still a chance accidents can happen. And I don't want my whole life turned upside down because of an "accident" after getting together with someone.

This all leaves me feeling pretty confused. It's hard enough for me to "meet" people to begin with because I don't have much going on and don't encounter people in my day to day life much. But not knowing what I want makes it even more difficult. Sometimes I talk to this girl I work with about my thoughts on this stuff, and she's suggested I try barhopping to find women. I'm not sure that would be best for me. I've only been to bars a handful of times in my younger days, and I really didn't like the atmosphere and I don't see myself "meeting" anyone in places like that. I've also tried online dating plenty of times over the years but I've never "met" anyone through any of those sites, either. I don't know how to figure out what I want, and that makes dating and intimacy seem extra intimidating to me. I know the obvious answer is that, in order to figure out what one wants, one just has to "do it", and I get that but is there not any more substantial advice anyone can offer besides that?
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Old 12th August 2018, 9:25 AM   #2
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Start slowly.

Do you have any friends of either gender? Do you spend time with them? Try that first. Just spend a bit of time with another person, talking, hiking, doing any activity you find enjoyable.

After you master that, then try a one on one with an opposite sex friend who you find interesting & attractive. I'm not even talking about a date. I'm talking about an interaction just talking, possibly drinking coffee or eating. Nothing more.

See where that goes. After you do that for a while then you can reassess how you feel about everything.
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Old 12th August 2018, 12:21 PM   #3
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Honestly it just doesn't sound like you want it bad enough to worry about it. if you really wanted it you would be willing to change whatever it is about yourself to be able to find someone. It sounded more like you're really avoiding it than wanting it.
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Old 12th August 2018, 1:38 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wasting Light View Post
I don't know what I want but I know I want "something", and that makes me feel confused. I never dated at all because I'm an awkward kinda dude that's never hit it off with anyone and never really been very social. In my early 30s now, for what it's worth. I'd be lying if I said I didn't crave companionship and affection and intimacy, but I don't know what I want. I don't think I'm in the right place in my life for a "relationship" and I don't know that I'm actually open enough emotionally to have feelings for someone, at least not right now. And I don't want to unintentionally lead anyone on or cause them to get hurt. And I don't want anyone to be "my mistake". But what's the altnernative? I guess some people have "casual" relationships and hook-ups, and whatever, but that's like "advanced dating" and if I'm still struggling with the basics, I can't imagine that's realistic for me. Plus, as appealing as sex is, sex also sorta scares the **** outta me, because I know that I very much don't want children, and even taking all precautions there's still a chance accidents can happen. And I don't want my whole life turned upside down because of an "accident" after getting together with someone.

This all leaves me feeling pretty confused. It's hard enough for me to "meet" people to begin with because I don't have much going on and don't encounter people in my day to day life much. But not knowing what I want makes it even more difficult. Sometimes I talk to this girl I work with about my thoughts on this stuff, and she's suggested I try barhopping to find women. I'm not sure that would be best for me. I've only been to bars a handful of times in my younger days, and I really didn't like the atmosphere and I don't see myself "meeting" anyone in places like that. I've also tried online dating plenty of times over the years but I've never "met" anyone through any of those sites, either. I don't know how to figure out what I want, and that makes dating and intimacy seem extra intimidating to me. I know the obvious answer is that, in order to figure out what one wants, one just has to "do it", and I get that but is there not any more substantial advice anyone can offer besides that?
You are looking at life through the wrong angle my friend. You don't make choices based on "what seems less disastrous in the end". Life is about risk and reward. You can play it safe, but look what that has gotten you. It's all about attitude.

I know, you can't flick a switch and have attitude. Work on your self esteem, dedicate time to yourself. Go to the Gym, take classes that improve your social skills in ANY way, and invest in yourself. Nobody is born being interesting, intelligent, charismatic, etc. We project how we feel. Do things that make you feel good about yourself, and people will perceive you differently.

Try and make friends with worthwhile goals. Tony Robbins (motivational speaker in case you haven't heard of him), says something that stuck with me:

"People's lives are a direct reflection of the expectations of their peer group. If your peer group doesn't expect much, it's just a matter of time before you lower your expectations of yourself."

So in short, the only person who can help you , is you.

a) Invest time in yourself. You are worth it. You are worth it. You HAVE to accept this as a universal truth. I will repeat it one last time , YOU are WORTH the TIME to make yourself a BETTER person.

b) Find a group that will lift your expectations of yourself. If you hang out with folks with no hopes for a future, guess what? You'll be one of them. Befriend people who have a goal in life. Maybe your issues stem from family dysfunction. Well, you can't choose the people that raised you as a family, but you CAN choose your friends/peer group.

c) Another quote that stuck with me , said by Bill O'Reilly in a debate with Jon Stewart back in 2012. He was asked what advice would he give to the youth generation ? (probably your group now)

He answered something that really made an impact on me:

"Work Hard, Be Honest, Get off the Net, Go Outside, Travel as much as you Can, Find your Passion, everybody is good at something, find what you are good at."

I could live my life by these words and I would feel fulfilled.

Hope this provides you some food for thought friend.

Cheers.
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