Not fitting in

[donotmicrowave]

Hey people,

 

First time posting after a month. If anyone is aware of my other thread, I want to apologize for disappearing the way I did. I know I made the lovely people here worried.

 

Currently waiting for "the right moment" to update my story, but in the meanwhile, I guess I'm looking for some advice on what to do/what to change.

 

People say that they don't fit in all the time, and I really don't. I'm 19 years old (soon 20), and I already have a successful career. I have a lot of responsibility, I travel for work often (solo) and all in all, one of my many nicknames at work is "the little business woman". I am very independent and busy, to put it short. And I'm good at what I do.

 

Being independent and working, I guess it sounds great! But it has been hurting me, too. I don't really have friends, I do not know how to get along casually with people my age. I have a friend in my city. But I guess he just wants to get inside my pants, honestly. A few other friends (who I do not talk with all that much) live abroad. That is it. All other relationships are work related. I'm very awkward with people, all I really know is how to be formal and professional, and it also comes down to how I was raised. Mother never really wanted me, so I was hidden and humiliated a lot. Which caused me to grow fairly weak, which lead to severe bullying when I was young(er). I'm not really in touch with this young adult behavior thingily thingy thing..

 

Normal people would go out and make friends when they don't have any. Instead of doing that, I simply try to focus on myself. I go on long solo-hikes, I volunteer, take care of my two adorable guinea pigs (I am currently building them an outdoor cage) and I draw. I'm okay with being alone. But when the feeling of actual loneliness comes, it hurts like hell.

 

I'm just nothing like the people my age. When someone does come along, it's usually someone "not-so-good". I gravitate towards people who are not good for me.

 

I'm not sure if I'm ranting or not. Not sure what advice to ask for, but I really am at a loss. I just wish I had someone, and I wish someone was happy to have me.

[stillafool]

You don't need a lot of friends but one or two good ones. Are you saying there are no young women your age that you can make friends with so you will have someone to hang out with? If so, start slowly by asking one you feel comfortable around to go to lunch. Once you make a female friend you guys can go out and meet guys. Do you have any friends from college?

[donotmicrowave]

You don't need a lot of friends but one or two good ones. Are you saying there are no young women your age that you can make friends with so you will have someone to hang out with? If so, start slowly by asking one you feel comfortable around to go to lunch. Once you make a female friend you guys can go out and meet guys. Do you have any friends from college?

 

Yeah, female friends are another issue for me! I used to have a best friend, a girl, who ended up ghosting me after 6 years. The peers who bullied me were also girls + mother has been a terrible woman. All the friends I have are guys now. Though there aren't women my age around me anyway. Youngest is around 30.

 

It's all just really odd. I've had chances to make female friends before, some years ago, but I never did. Just have a hard time trusting them + I'm not really liked by them. Guys are usually fascinated with me, till it fades off, as I'm very chill and anything but a pink bimbo.

 

But I was mainly taking online courses in school, the people that I did know, faded away.

[donotmicrowave]

Really not liking this right now! People my age always meet through studies or other friends, but those options are pretty much off the table for me.. I'm not creative enough to come up with much else, either.

 

Always wanted to try kickboxing or something like that, though. Maybe I can get lessons and meet new people. Kind of sounds like a plan?

[stillafool]

The problem with trying to have guys as platonic friends is they always want to have sex at some point which ends the friendship. Unless of course it's one you 've been friends with since childhood and they are like a brother. That is why a good female friend would be someone you can rely on for emotional support.

[Garlend]

Really not liking this right now! People my age always meet through studies or other friends, but those options are pretty much off the table for me.. I'm not creative enough to come up with much else, either.

 

Always wanted to try kickboxing or something like that, though. Maybe I can get lessons and meet new people. Kind of sounds like a plan?

 

From what I've gathered from your posts, I think you've clarified you're an assertive, ambitious, and independent young woman who will confidently find success in whatever lucrative occupation you decide to pursue. But you really don't have time to develop meaningful relationships with others at this point due to your highly enthusiastic career oriented lifestyle.

 

Apparently, the women you know are envious of you. Forget them. They are acquaintances at best, certainly not friends (big difference). And the men you encounter are probably out for the usual thing, with no desire to commit, if that bothers you.

 

Yes, by all means, keep yourself in shape, both physically and mentally, by getting seriously involved with some form of exercise regimen that you can perform without crimping your busy schedule.

 

Just continue taking care of yourself without involving others who enter your life with deceptive smiles, to conceal their ulterior motives.

 

My cynicism was created by a history of experience. That doesn't invalidate it.

[FMW]

Other women probably pick up on the fact that you don't trust them and that's why you're getting the "they don't like me" vibe. If you seem suspicious or standoffish they aren't going to extend much if any effort in getting to know you. You have to learn the fine line between protecting yourself from people with ill intent and just keeping everyone out to avoid any possibility of being hurt.

 

I think we probably all have been disappointed by and even feel betrayed by friends at one time or another. Just like disappointments and betrayals in romantic relationships with men. That doesn't mean every other friend or boyfriend will be that way.

 

Only having friendships with men can also skew how you see things. I have great guy friends but our conversations are very different than those with my girl friends.

 

Just like with meeting guys to possibly get involved with, meeting women friends requires that you are open and friendly and receptive. I understand from reading your posts why that is very hard for you. Just like with anything, start with baby steps.

 

Try to smile at strangers - old, young, male, female. That's the first step to having even brief interactions with others. As you interact with more people you'll find you feel more positive and outgoing. Then you will notice opportunities to have real conversations which will lead to friendships.

[LightWave93]

The problem with trying to have guys as platonic friends is they always want to have sex at some point which ends the friendship.

 

This is wholly incorrect. I know plenty of guys with platonic friendships with attractive women and not once have they tried to get in their pants. Hell, the majority of my friends are women and I'd never dream of sleeping with them.

 

OP just happened to form a friendship with a guy wanting more. It happens. It certainly doesn't count for everyone.

[Lotsgoingon]

I can't tell if this is a superficial issue for you ... as in ... your work schedule makes your socializing hard and the way you were raised makes meeting friends hard ...

 

I say those are somewhat superficial ... because you can plan and figure out a way to make friends. Will require work to change, but you can do it. I once heard an interview Jerry Seinfeld and he reported on the downside of the standup comedian's life: you finish your work at 1 or 2 in the morning ... The rest of the world is asleep ... You're always traveling, so it's really difficult to make friends. A lot of standups report making friends with other standups.

 

But if the issue is deeper ... like you really don't know how to read social cues and body language ... use therapy for help. This is a great project for the right therapist and if you travel a lot there is even web therapy ... therapy via video-conferencing and those formats work surprising fine!

 

You and a great therapist can design an action plan ... starting with saying hello to certain people, practicing asking people questions, practicing noticing their body language.

 

I benefited enormously from a therapist who basically talked out scripts of what to say to people in different situations. I was amazed. Often I was saying the exact wrong thing to say ... You would be amazed by how scripted social interactions are ... they follow very very precise "rules" often.group ... and you don't quite enter the circle of the talkers ...

 

I use the techniques I learned all the time. They're very natural and non manipulative or fake at all.