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Old 24th February 2018, 12:09 PM   #1
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Question Your thoughts on meeting interesting women?

I have been generally ok with meeting women and building a rapport with them. Yet, my biggest challenge is meeting someone who is interesting and not unusually insecure. To put things into perspective, I work in a technical field, but my passion for photography has allowed me to meet alot of different and generally attractive women. Despite attraction from some of these women, most of them are the conflicted, artistic type that prove to be very complicated, emotional, and just full of insecurities that make them very dramatic and poor choices for a partner.

And so, I decided to explore other ways to meet women. Recently, speed dating was one such avenue that I tried.

The first speed dating event I went to was last month. I came back with one match with whom I met for coffee later. That girl was a mystery though, as she refused to exchange phone numbers and asked that I respect that (I did). She emailed me a week after the first date to enthusiastically invite me out to skating, but also promptly emailed me back to cancel two days later, saying she is not suitable for me, and wished me the best. Very strange.

This past week, I went to my second event with little expectations, but came back with 2 of my 3 picks as a mutual match. I was excited about this, and have already setup a date with one of the girls. I am not outcome-dependent, but the oddity that was the previous girl makes me quite confused on what to do or expect for the upcoming dates.

At the end of the day, the bigger picture is trying to find my place and understand the best way to meet interesting women who aren't overly dramatic or hung up on self-image issues, etc. My general feeling about women in online dating or those who participate in speed dating are busy professionals/students, socially-awkward people, people who work in specialized jobs with little interaction, or people who have problems locking down a quality, long term relationship (or simply don't want one). And let's be honest, none of those are desirable qualities in a partner. Would love to hear your thoughts.
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Old 24th February 2018, 12:24 PM   #2
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Welcome to the wonderful world of dating.

Well, as an "interesting woman" who does not consider myself to be overly insecure, I will say that dating was just as much a mystery to me for many years.

Coincidently, I met my boyfriend at a speed dating event. Going to the event, I had the same opinion of many of the men there, that many would be busy professionals who were socially awkward. What I learned was there are all types there - I talked with a wonderful woman who was a physician, beautiful, well travelled, very interesting... I have no idea why she was single and attending a dating event. I met men who were very interesting to talk with and others who couldn't hold a conversation...

Dating is simply a numbers game. You literally have to be in right place at the right time to meet that special someone. I attended the speed dating event as an impulse, and had I not gone that night I would never have met my guy (even though we live five minutes away). And of course, the old adage is very true... You have to kiss a lot of frogs... Don't lose heart, I hope you find someone who makes you excited about dating very soon.
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Old 24th February 2018, 1:42 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by EveningEmbers View Post
I have been generally ok with meeting women and building a rapport with them. Yet, my biggest challenge is meeting someone who is interesting and not unusually insecure. To put things into perspective, I work in a technical field, but my passion for photography has allowed me to meet alot of different and generally attractive women. Despite attraction from some of these women, most of them are the conflicted, artistic type that prove to be very complicated, emotional, and just full of insecurities that make them very dramatic and poor choices for a partner.

And so, I decided to explore other ways to meet women. Recently, speed dating was one such avenue that I tried.

The first speed dating event I went to was last month. I came back with one match with whom I met for coffee later. That girl was a mystery though, as she refused to exchange phone numbers and asked that I respect that (I did). She emailed me a week after the first date to enthusiastically invite me out to skating, but also promptly emailed me back to cancel two days later, saying she is not suitable for me, and wished me the best. Very strange.

This past week, I went to my second event with little expectations, but came back with 2 of my 3 picks as a mutual match. I was excited about this, and have already setup a date with one of the girls. I am not outcome-dependent, but the oddity that was the previous girl makes me quite confused on what to do or expect for the upcoming dates.

At the end of the day, the bigger picture is trying to find my place and understand the best way to meet interesting women who aren't overly dramatic or hung up on self-image issues, etc. My general feeling about women in online dating or those who participate in speed dating are busy professionals/students, socially-awkward people, people who work in specialized jobs with little interaction, or people who have problems locking down a quality, long term relationship (or simply don't want one). And let's be honest, none of those are desirable qualities in a partner. Would love to hear your thoughts.
Generally it sounds like you are doing the right things. I especially like that you are doing the photography thing, which you love anyway, and it is a numbers game and not all photography types are conflicted messes. I mean, you aren't, are you? LOL

I do hear a touch of being super picky, maybe overly closed off in between the lines of what you wrote with the generalizations about the girls you meet through photography and the ones you meet through speed dating. Try to drop the preconceived notions about what type of people are in these environments so you can be open. Again, you are at speed dating, and you are normal, right? Try to think of the reasons why you would go. Like you said, you work in a technical field. I'd assume that you don't meet many women there if that's your job. Maybe conversely the girls at a speed dating event have the same problem--that there are few guys where they work and spend their free time. I've definitely known people where that is exactly their "problem" and it's not really for any character reason that they have struggled to meet guys or girls. I also think maybe people do speed dating because it's better suited to their age range or that they don't like drinking and bars so are limited with socializing that way--those might be reasons that you don't mind.

Yes, it could be true some of the negative reasons that you think a girl would be speed dating. But try not to focus on it. That closes you off to good people and limits your experience. Also try not to extrapolate ONE bad dating experience (the previous girl from speed dating who was flakey and wouldn't give you her number--she sounds weird or unsure about you--so what you don't need someone like that) and apply it to all future possibilities. In a way, you need to LEARN from these one time events but LET THEM GO so that you can have a clean slate and success with next dating interaction.

I think you should do online or a dating app too. Why not? On one hand, you need to take into account that is how a large majority of people are finding dates. And then get good at filtering out the ones you want to date. You sound like an introspective guy with a good perspective generally so keep doing that and think of dating as a series of experiences since it is a numbers game to get to the right one. Good luck
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Old 24th February 2018, 2:00 PM   #4
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There are dating sites that are specific for professionals/higher educated people. Look there.
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Old 24th February 2018, 2:59 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by EveningEmbers View Post
Despite attraction from some of these women, most of them are the conflicted, artistic type that prove to be very complicated, emotional, and just full of insecurities that make them very dramatic and poor choices for a partner.
Can you explain what you mean by this, OP? Because already this year I have dealt with two men who are conflicted, flim-flammy, flakey, complicated, non-communicative, and who tend to equivocate. Just pointing out that this is hardly a gendered issue and insecurity and drama go both ways.
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Old 24th February 2018, 8:20 PM   #6
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Can you explain what you mean by this, OP? Because already this year I have dealt with two men who are conflicted, flim-flammy, flakey, complicated, non-communicative, and who tend to equivocate. Just pointing out that this is hardly a gendered issue and insecurity and drama go both ways.
The very nature of my passion with photography brings me in touch with women who tend to use this avenue as a means of validating their beauty and confidence. As vain as it sounds, I have met some very emotionally stable and interesting women who simply enjoy art, but are not seeking validation. That is quite rare though.

A lot of these women tend to be younger (early 20s), have some form of self-image issues that makes them feel unattractive, been bullied previously by peers, and are spiteful at the world, among various other issues.

Every circumstance will be different, and relationships are always a two-way-street that involves both you and the other person. I can't speak to why the two men you met are incommunicative or flakey, but those behaviours could point to someone who is either very disinterested, or, at the other extreme, someone who is does not feel confident enough to justify to himself that they deserve you.
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Old 24th February 2018, 8:22 PM   #7
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Originally Posted by smackie9 View Post
There are dating sites that are specific for professionals/higher educated people. Look there.
Do you have any that you recommend?

I have used the usual free dating sites before, along with a few paid ones.

The free ones never gave me quality matches, and simply let women focus on a man's looks way too much to be favourable. It feels almost like a beauty contest, with the swipe left and swipe right system that most of them use these days.

The problem with the paid ones was that they slowly trickle your matches to you to ensure that you are continuing to subscribe to them monthly, so all-in-all a very slow process with too much time spent exchanging messages back and forth per the matching system that they enforce.
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:20 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Welcome to the wonderful world of dating.

Well, as an "interesting woman" who does not consider myself to be overly insecure, I will say that dating was just as much a mystery to me for many years.

Coincidently, I met my boyfriend at a speed dating event. Going to the event, I had the same opinion of many of the men there, that many would be busy professionals who were socially awkward. What I learned was there are all types there - I talked with a wonderful woman who was a physician, beautiful, well travelled, very interesting... I have no idea why she was single and attending a dating event. I met men who were very interesting to talk with and others who couldn't hold a conversation...

Dating is simply a numbers game. You literally have to be in right place at the right time to meet that special someone. I attended the speed dating event as an impulse, and had I not gone that night I would never have met my guy (even though we live five minutes away). And of course, the old adage is very true... You have to kiss a lot of frogs... Don't lose heart, I hope you find someone who makes you excited about dating very soon.
Thank you for sharing that!

I will try my best to be open-minded. Speed dating has proven to be mostly fun, and even if it was awkward with some women, they only lasted 5 minutes each.

Generally speaking, I tend to spend a lot of time exploring my own hobbies and learning. I know this does not help me meet women because aside from my long hours at work, I rarely find myself out and about. This is something I am trying to change this year to try to get myself out of the house more by finding more activities that I enjoy (and hopefully meet women who have similar interests).

Last edited by EveningEmbers; 24th February 2018 at 9:25 PM..
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:30 PM   #9
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Hang on , l'll rephrase that .
You look for depth in her face, depth is easy to spot especially on a date site where she also says stuff so ya got two big things right there to go on straight off the bat,

Good luck

Last edited by Chilli; 24th February 2018 at 9:41 PM..
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:46 PM   #10
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Generally it sounds like you are doing the right things. I especially like that you are doing the photography thing, which you love anyway, and it is a numbers game and not all photography types are conflicted messes. I mean, you aren't, are you? LOL

I do hear a touch of being super picky, maybe overly closed off in between the lines of what you wrote with the generalizations about the girls you meet through photography and the ones you meet through speed dating. Try to drop the preconceived notions about what type of people are in these environments so you can be open. Again, you are at speed dating, and you are normal, right? Try to think of the reasons why you would go. Like you said, you work in a technical field. I'd assume that you don't meet many women there if that's your job. Maybe conversely the girls at a speed dating event have the same problem--that there are few guys where they work and spend their free time. I've definitely known people where that is exactly their "problem" and it's not really for any character reason that they have struggled to meet guys or girls. I also think maybe people do speed dating because it's better suited to their age range or that they don't like drinking and bars so are limited with socializing that way--those might be reasons that you don't mind.

Yes, it could be true some of the negative reasons that you think a girl would be speed dating. But try not to focus on it. That closes you off to good people and limits your experience. Also try not to extrapolate ONE bad dating experience (the previous girl from speed dating who was flakey and wouldn't give you her number--she sounds weird or unsure about you--so what you don't need someone like that) and apply it to all future possibilities. In a way, you need to LEARN from these one time events but LET THEM GO so that you can have a clean slate and success with next dating interaction.

I think you should do online or a dating app too. Why not? On one hand, you need to take into account that is how a large majority of people are finding dates. And then get good at filtering out the ones you want to date. You sound like an introspective guy with a good perspective generally so keep doing that and think of dating as a series of experiences since it is a numbers game to get to the right one. Good luck
You are right that I am super picky. It is a combination of me trying my best to be honest with what I want, and having met some very attractive women via photography. I am not vain or fixated on physical beauty and would rather find an average looking but sweet girl. And, this is perhaps one of my problems too - I have decided to not pursue some women that were interested in me because I could not convince myself that I was more attracted to her than her current guy. Although this keeps me honest with what I want, it also prevents me from opening myself up to potentially great relationships.

Dating apps typically do not work well for me because most of the women who are attracted to me in real life like my personality and drive a lot, which never comes across in online dating. My friend, on the other hand, who is unbelievably good looking, has a lot of luck with women online as it is a primarily visual platform. His problem is that he depends a lot on the validation he receives from women to feel happy, to the extreme that he would call me half a dozen times a day to express his displeasure and anger with every little "negative" thing that a woman would say or do to him.

A woman I met via photography a few months ago completely captivated me when we met, almost like a type of witchcraft. Unfortunately, I later learned that she was working on many self-image issues and was extremely closed-off, fearful that others would discover her problems and further reject her and perpetuate her insecurities even more. This is actually the same woman who woke me up from several years of simply pursuing my passions and being out of the dating scene.
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:48 PM   #11
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I agree with the above statement that you have to get out and do things where women will be present. That might mean going outside of your usual hobbies and interests. I need to do the same actually. How do you feel about dating sites?
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Old 24th February 2018, 10:11 PM   #12
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I agree with the above statement that you have to get out and do things where women will be present. That might mean going outside of your usual hobbies and interests. I need to do the same actually. How do you feel about dating sites?
From experience, the only dating site that worked for me were the paid ones, but it had proven to be very inorganic/unnatural as a means of meeting someone.

I have had some very career-oriented women who seemed happy on the surface, but were absolutely the opposite deep inside. One woman was strangely attracted to me despite a lack of time and reciprocation on my part. When finally I learned more about her, I understood that she just wanted any guy to be her partner because she felt undesirable and unattractive after many poor relationships, and was quickly approaching her mid-thirties and felt that she was running out of options. This was not uncommon among the women I met via online dating.

While I am a tall, decent looking guy, I am also not the type to work out 3 hours a day (I neither enjoy it, nor have an active interest in seeking it out), so I am on the slimmer side and do not have the muscle/physique to increase my attractiveness. On top of that, I tend to date outside of my own culture a lot, which makes it even more difficult on a primarily visual platform like online dating.

There was a time when I was totally comfortable with striking up conversations with women in public places, such as at the grocery store, the lineup at Starbucks, etc. I have gotten a few dates that way before, but it was a very short phase in my life and nothing materialized out of it. It is realizations like this that makes me as picky as I am, and also makes me feel like a lesser, less attractive version of my former self who had the courage, drive, and lack of fear of rejection that frustrates me. I believe that a combination of a lucrative but unfulfilling job, age, and a few good, supportive friends who have moved away have amounted to this.
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Old 24th February 2018, 10:19 PM   #13
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From experience, the only dating site that worked for me were the paid ones, but it had proven to be very inorganic/unnatural as a means of meeting someone.

I have had some very career-oriented women who seemed happy on the surface, but were absolutely the opposite deep inside. One woman was strangely attracted to me despite a lack of time and reciprocation on my part. When finally I learned more about her, I understood that she just wanted any guy to be her partner because she felt undesirable and unattractive after many poor relationships, and was quickly approaching her mid-thirties and felt that she was running out of options. This was not uncommon among the women I met via online dating.

While I am a tall, decent looking guy, I am also not the type to work out 3 hours a day (I neither enjoy it, nor have an active interest in seeking it out), so I am on the slimmer side and do not have the muscle/physique to increase my attractiveness. On top of that, I tend to date outside of my own culture a lot, which makes it even more difficult on a primarily visual platform like online dating.

There was a time when I was totally comfortable with striking up conversations with women in public places, such as at the grocery store, the lineup at Starbucks, etc. I have gotten a few dates that way before, but it was a very short phase in my life and nothing materialized out of it. It is realizations like this that makes me as picky as I am, and also makes me feel like a lesser, less attractive version of my former self who had the courage, drive, and lack of fear of rejection that frustrates me. I believe that a combination of a lucrative but unfulfilling job, age, and a few good, supportive friends who have moved away have amounted to this.
I see.

I don't know how old you are, but how about going for women on the dating site in their mid-to-late twenties? They don't feel so rushed.

I was thinking more like joining groups that center around hobbies and interests. This is just an idea, but I think it's easier to connect with someone of the opposite gender when you can either see them more than once (or repeatedly) and have time to talk with them where you're not rushed off to part ways and do something else. This is why people often meet in bars! (not that I'm suggesting bars - well, only if you want to)
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Old 24th February 2018, 10:50 PM   #14
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I see.

I don't know how old you are, but how about going for women on the dating site in their mid-to-late twenties? They don't feel so rushed.

I was thinking more like joining groups that center around hobbies and interests. This is just an idea, but I think it's easier to connect with someone of the opposite gender when you can either see them more than once (or repeatedly) and have time to talk with them where you're not rushed off to part ways and do something else. This is why people often meet in bars! (not that I'm suggesting bars - well, only if you want to)
I am in my early 30's. Believe me, most dating sites do not work for me. Only eHarmony has ever worked, but I like your groups idea much better as I try to spend less time with many back-and-forth messages with women whom I have yet to meet.

With me coordinating my photography projects and everyone I want in them, it's almost like a group activity. The problem is that each project takes considerable time to plan and produce, so it's not the best as a primary means of meeting women to date as I only have enough time to meet maybe 8 to 12 per year this way.

What are some groups that you have in mind?

Of course, other hobbies interest me, such as improv classes, etc. As an introspective guy who tries to find connection and meaning with every relationship, I am not a big fan of bars (and I don't enjoy alcohol much), nor am I very good at meeting women that way.
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Old 24th February 2018, 11:43 PM   #15
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Speed datings always tripped me out,so I never did it. How does it work with different age groups? Are there like certain events by age? Not saying that age plays a part in some cases,but I know I really wouldn't want to sit across from someone my mothers age.
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