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How to get past this

In Search Of... Having a hard time forming friendships or finding companions, lovers, or associates? Is someone pursuing an unwelcome relationship with you? Talk about your experiences here.

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Old 29th October 2017, 5:50 PM   #1
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How to get past this

A friend of mine (granted, he is not the most mature of friends I will admit) once said to me that I don't go for the right people. I asked what he meant by that. He said I like the guys to be young and cute, not old and fat. He also claimed I am turning down offers from others who are older and fatter who would otherwise be good men to be with. I told him I live a very isolated life (as a multi-district substitute teacher I travel to a new place almost everyday, I am with a new class of which I am not one with the students, nor am I one of the staff members there so I don't really "talk" with people that much; plus at my other job as a job coach for special people training them to work a job, it's the same thing.) Aside from the fact that this is a rude thing to say to someone, I thought about that ...

We all have standards for looks. It's a rather sad stereotype, to be sure, but we all know that some people are going to reach a certain point once we are all young, cute and thin, and then we are going to reach a point where we are going to peel off. Then another point, then another, etc. This depends on your lifestyle choices, the things you are/are not eating, drinking or smoking, working out, keeping your weight down, genetics, etc. So say that you have gone off the edge or the other person has. It's not a really PC thing to say to someone but ... Looks do matter to others. And if you're not attracted to that person you're ... Not attracted to that person.

And on top of that, if you have never been on that side, I used to be 40 lbs heavier than I am now. I am here to tell you that people treat you differently when you are fatter. Now that I am thinner and younger looking again (even at my age of 42 I still get carded), I am happier.

I have tried to kind of break out of myself and go for those I haven't in the past. No more artists / musicians, I tried going for average yuppie types and they treat me just as badly. They think I am crazy and decide to treat me as such. The artists / musicians are far too self centered and think they are something they are not as well. I used to be snob when I was in my early twenties when I was still in full blown party mode, then I got burned badly by a so called "friend" or two, now I'm who I am now. ANd will still change no doubt.
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Old 29th October 2017, 5:58 PM   #2
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I don't think Old, young, thin, big, yuppie, artist or any of that matters when it comes to a person treating you right. Some people are nice and some aren't no matter what they look like or what their interests are. I don't buy that.

Maybe try dating outside of your physical type and looking deeper into who they are. You could discover an attraction there that wasn't there at first sight. It's hadn't worked for me in the past but I guess I need to give it a better try
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Old 29th October 2017, 6:22 PM   #3
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You can't make yourself be attracted to somebody. You either are or you're not. I'm in your age range as a guy, and it seems like so many people are out of shape. It's disconcerting because my health is one of the most important things to me. I may be aging, but I'm not going to take it lying down. I exercise religiously, eat super healthy, and I look for the same in a woman. Somebody who sits on the couch eating processed foods and getting fat while watching tv is a major turn-off. Unfortunately, it seems all too common.

After my latest relationship failure, I'm starting to train myself to accept the possibility I may never find somebody, and to be just as happy if that ends up being the case. Placing too much emphasis on finding somebody compatible is a recipe for disappointment given the current state of dating in this country.

I guess I'm just rambling here, but I don't think you're alone. Work on feeling great about yourself and putting your demons to rest and everything else will sort itself out.
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Old 29th October 2017, 6:42 PM   #4
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You don't have to change your preference, by no means. But you are almost 43, and while I would not consider that old, and I know that you are not unattractive, you have simply arrived at a certain age. If you continue to go for "young and cute" it will become a problem sooner or later or cost you. Ask any guy in a mid-life crisis if you don't believe me.

Just out of curiosity: How do you respond to guys that are your age, or just a few years older, and that are not overweight?
"The Durango-95 purred away real horrorshow." - Alex
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Old 29th October 2017, 7:11 PM   #5
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Just be yourself.
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Old 29th October 2017, 8:00 PM   #6
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If you have a particular type, and that type is specific, you're going to have to sort through a lot more frogs than someone who is a bit more flexible in their expectations. You are not required to bend or change what you want, but do expect it's not an easy process to fill each and every check-box on your list of "the perfect man."
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Old 29th October 2017, 8:04 PM   #7
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what's your point? i'd like to give you advice but I don't know what the issue is.
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Old 29th October 2017, 8:29 PM   #8
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What difference does it make what your friend says? You like what you like.

You have a tendency to generalize. I doubt that entire groups of people treat you badly. If somebody tells you they think you're crazy - never talk to them again, rather than give them opportunities to treat you like you're crazy. Don't be a victim.
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