Wondering if fortune will ever cross my path again...

[Teraskas]

I think the reason for creating this thread is because I’m still feeling a bit down from recently being rejected again…

 

This last one claimed I was ‘too nice’ (which I call utter bs because all I was doing was showing empathy as a normal human being would like I did with my past dates.) and needed someone to provide ‘counter throttle’ because of her personality.

So too much confidence isn't good, andeven when I'm TRYING to show empathy it's instantly seen as 'too nice'. Clearly being myself is not enough, and I’ve already done ALL I can to improve myself.

 

My personal social circle is rather limited. Most of my friends from Secondary Education either left to the USA / Britain / (Insert country here) or gone off the grid permanently. My current social circle of 'best (male) friends' consistsof those whom I have met through Higher Education, a total of 5. Unfortunately, 4 out of 5 have girlfriends while the 5th purposely chooses to stay single.Thus as you can see, my options for going out are rather limited.

 

Those on these forums who have known me for some time, as well as my friends say I'm a nice guy, not representative of most guys, and that any girl would be lucky to land me. Not 'nice' in the traditional doormat sense which seems to be the only version in today's society.

More specifically 'nice' in the way that I was raised to be an English gentleman. I treat women with respect, and not as toys to be discarded, I am considerate, open doors, ... but when push comes to shove I'm more than ready to show my confidence and stand my ground.

 

I’ve been single for over 2,5 years now, and I’ve given up on finding a normal, decent woman ever since last December.

I’ve stopped actively searching since then. Sure, there have been a few dates, but they were far and few in between, much less so the quality of them.

I’ve graduated since February so the dating pool has been reduced with regards to that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve taken up several different hobbies since then, but the feeling of single life does have a way of resurfacing.

It’s an inescapable fact, sadly. Especially during my cousin's wedding in April. I was allowed to bring a +1, but she turned me down because of the 'no spark' argument. I Was kinda bummed that I couldn't bring anyone, but when I was ordered to be 1st in the 'suite'...that to me, felt as singles shaming at its finest...

 

I guess the reason why I’ve created this thread now is that reading through Targetlock’s thread has made me analyse what I’ve been doing ‘wrong’.

Truth told, it's not necessarily anything I'm doing wrong...if anything it's just being at the wrong place at the wrong time. That said, it seems that EVERY woman I meet is drowning in a sea of issues and emotional baggage, whereas THEY have never encountered a guy that barely has any, and isn’t ‘nice, caring, respectful, etc.’ just for the sake of getting in their pants.

 

Despite me being young (I’m 22 btw), I know what I want from life. Heck, I wouldn’t even have any issues with being married or even settling down at thispoint.

 

I’m drained and exhausted from CONSTANTLY introducing myself in the ‘initial dating phase’ as I call it, because it always leads to nowhere on their end.

They want no commitment, just have fun, etc. All fine and dandy for them, but IDO want that.

And I know that plenty of you are going to join the annoying choir and chant that I’m 22 and have plenty of time…but still, it’s only going to get more difficult as I get older.

 

Yes, I know I’m not the perfect guy, I have memory issues and as a result can’t remember a thing with regards to my short and long term memory.

It’s hardly my fault that women run away from that, as well as the first news I mention that I’ve had cancer in the past.

I’ve already experienced a life of ‘negative thrills’, but my god…I never imagined that I’d be so tired at the age of 22.

 

For me, it’s easy to like someone. Perhaps a flaw of mine is that I get emotionally invested rather quickly because I like said person.

Again, for me it’s easy to determinewhether or not a girl is a good match for me…unfortunately the biggest issue isgetting her to feel the same way.

 

At this point I’m just convinced I’m cursed as every dating attempt fails onthe woman’s end…

In all honesty, I feel the frustration and fatigue building.

Unfortunately nothing is gained without effort, and I believe that taking a break from this will not resolve anything.

 

Any advice is welcome…yet looking back at this thread it just looks like a pageof incoherent rambling, I apologise in advance, lol. ^^

Edited August 3, 2014 by Teraskas

[daisydook]

Hi there!

 

When you said this, it seems that EVERY woman I meet is drowning in a sea of issues and emotional baggage, whereas THEY have never encountered a guy that barely has any I kind of giggled at the length of your post, all of the personal issues you are citing, and then being as silly as to think this isn't baggage of your own. I had a hard time not noticing how much baggage you have, while citing you have "barely any." I do not mean any harm in highlighting this, but I did want to mention it, as it stuck out to me.

 

You are 22, and I am sure you know what you want right now. That's great. I know at 22, I was positive I was going to be a mother and married by 26. You know, when I knew everything and had life all worked out. I am 30, not married and have no children. I live alone in a great apartment, with one cat and a boyfriend with a place of his own. I am not even sure I want children at this point in my life. What I wanted and thought I needed to have at 22, is not what I want right now. Please be open to not knowing what you want for the rest of your life at the tender age of 22, is all I am asking. I am not saying you are wrong... but be open to the possibility of being wrong? I wish I was more open to being wrong. Lol I was very wrong. I was also very angry about how wrong I was, and wished I had taken a more laid back approach to begin with. I have felt much like you and felt like just giving up completely. There was once I moment where I had convinced myself completely I would just be single forever and at that moment, I actually became okay with it. Have you met the people out there?!?!?!? Humpf! Lol. It can be very difficult.

 

I got engaged at 22. Of course that is what I wanted. I had been with my boyfriend for 3 years, lived together for a little while... I didn't want to get married right away, but it is something I really wanted in the future. I also wanted children right after marriage. Then, life happened. I certainly didn't ask for things to be how they ended up. I wound up single at 28, and living on my own for the first time in my entire life.

 

I have a hard time finding genuine men and honest men. Most people want to have sex with me, and I know that. I am attractive to a lot of people. I am not a stupid human being. I also have other traits I would like to be recognized for, like being awesome! Lol

 

Finding a genuine mate hasn't been easy. Has it been worth it? Absolutely. The journey is the fun part. Have I been hurt? You bet your booty, I have! Also worth it. Will I get hurt again? YEP! Probably! But, guess what? Im going to live, I know how to be happy alone, and I am thrilled to say, I am going to wake up again tomorrow, whenever/if ever that today happens. I will be okay.

 

After my ex, I took myself out of the dating scene for a little while, but when I was ready, I knew it and I went for it again. There was nothing serendipitous about how my BF and I came together. I was on the hunt, knew what I wanted and went for it, all in. I was simply tired of being single and wanted to share my life with someone again. I felt ready to actually do that.

 

I wasn't open to it for a long time and all I wanted was fun. I would have just hurt anyone I got close to, so I would make it known I was not looking for anything serious and was looking to have fun. Radical honesty, sometimes didn't work on men. They still wanted more.

 

It can be more difficult as you get older, however, I know plenty of older guys who still got it! Some of them, like you, who actually didn't get anywhere for a long time, and only actually started dating at all, let alone seriously until later in their mid twenties to late twenties. I am 30, and most of my guy friends have dated, but I still have one friend who is unsuccessful, for lack of a better word. He will be 30 and has never dated seriously before. He IS a great person. I know he will get it all figured out, even if at 29, he still hasn't. Neither have I. Lol. Even me! I get hit on a lot more now that I am older, than when I was younger. Lol.

 

Cancer as well? Humpf! I am certainly glad you are here to talk about it. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find some good counsel here. I often do.

 

Cut yourself more slack here. You, too, have been through a whirlwind. You are correct. Nothing is gained without effort. No one is going to walk into your home, say "I am the woman of your dreams, and I have finally arrived," and make your dreams come true. When you are fed up of feeling like this, you will take a more hands on approach, and look harder for her. Right now, you are exhausted, and that is okay.

Edited August 3, 2014 by daisydook

[Scales]

I remember from your previous posts that a number of female posters thought you were a decent catch. There are girls out there who will appreciate you for who you are completely(just like what has happened in Targetlock's case). However, that is in all honesty, a complete rarity.

 

A reoccuring theme I often run into on LS is that a lot of the guys who have trouble finding someone are the same ones who are looking for something substantial. Wanting a relationship is nice, but there really is no advantage to it. It usually shows too much investment early on. In targetlock's case it didn't matter how much investment he put in because it was returned to him. You can't be willing to give what you know you aren't going to receive.

 

I know you identify a lot with being an "English Gentleman" type of person because it was how you were raised. Really ask yourself though if that is helpful or necessary. Ask yourself if you are giving yourself an advantage by being that way. A lot of people here will tell you to keep being yourself, and your day will come. I am one of those people that firmly believes if something isn't working: you change it. Do you feel like a nice guy when all the anger and resentment sinks in? Do you think being polite to women(or people) you barely know is worth the investment when it isn't being returned?

 

You don't have to stop being a gentleman, but you should save that for someone who is committed to you. If you are feeling depressed and angry because of rejection, it is because you're expectations are too high. Try relaxing and forget the whole holding doors thing for awhile. See how it turns out. I'm not saying be a total jerk, but definitely give people more credit then they deserve.

 

I'm not saying you can't meet someone being yourself, I'll just say I think you're swimming upstream.

[Teraskas]

Hi there!

 

When you said this, it seems that EVERY woman I meet is drowning in a sea of issues and emotional baggage, whereas THEY have never encountered a guy that barely has any I kind of giggled at the length of your post, all of the personal issues you are citing, and then being as silly as to think this isn't baggage of your own. I had a hard time not noticing how much baggage you have, while citing you have "barely any." I do not mean any harm in highlighting this, but I did want to mention it, as it stuck out to me.

 

 

You are 22, and I am sure you know what you want right now. That's great. I know at 22, I was positive I was going to be a mother and married by 26. You know, when I knew everything and had life all worked out. I am 30, not married and have no children. I live alone in a great apartment, with one cat and a boyfriend with a place of his own. I am not even sure I want children at this point in my life. What I wanted and thought I needed to have at 22, is not what I want right now. Please be open to not knowing what you want for the rest of your life at the tender age of 22, is all I am asking. I am not saying you are wrong... but be open to the possibility of being wrong? I wish I was more open to being wrong. Lol I was very wrong. I was also very angry about how wrong I was, and wished I had taken a more laid back approach to begin with. I have felt much like you and felt like just giving up completely. There was once I moment where I had convinced myself completely I would just be single forever and at that moment, I actually became okay with it. Have you met the people out there?!?!?!? Humpf! Lol. It can be very difficult.

 

 

I have a hard time finding genuine men and honest men. Most people want to have sex with me, and I know that. I am attractive to a lot of people. I am not a stupid human being. I also have other traits I would like to be recognized for, like being awesome! Lol

 

 

Finding a genuine mate hasn't been easy. Has it been worth it? Absolutely. The journey is the fun part. Have I been hurt? You bet your booty, I have! Also worth it. Will I get hurt again? YEP! Probably! But, guess what? Im going to live, I know how to be happy alone, and I am thrilled to say, I am going to wake up again tomorrow, whenever/if ever that today happens. I will be okay.

 

After my ex, I took myself out of the dating scene for a little while, but when I was ready, I knew it and I went for it again. There was nothing serendipitous about how my BF and I came together. I was on the hunt, knew what I wanted and went for it, all in. I was simply tired of being single and wanted to share my life with someone again. I felt ready to actually do that.

 

I wasn't open to it for a long time and all I wanted was fun. I would have just hurt anyone I got close to, so I would make it known I was not looking for anything serious and was looking to have fun. Radical honesty, sometimes didn't work on men. They still wanted more.

^^

 

It can be more difficult as you get older, however, I know plenty of older guys who still got it! Some of them, like you, who actually didn't get anywhere for a long time, and only actually started dating at all, let alone seriously until later in their mid twenties to late twenties. I am 30, and most of my guy friends have dated, but I still have one friend who is unsuccessful, for lack of a better word. He will be 30 and has never dated seriously before. He IS a great person. I know he will get it all figured out, even if at 29, he still hasn't. Neither have I. Lol. Even me! I get hit on a lot more now that I am older, than when I was younger. Lol.

 

 

Cancer as well? Humpf! I am certainly glad you are here to talk about it. Thanks for sharing your story. I hope you find some good counsel here. I often do.

 

Cut yourself more slack here. You, too, have been through a whirlwind. You are correct. Nothing is gained without effort. No one is going to walk into your home, say "I am the woman of your dreams, and I have finally arrived," and make your dreams come true. When you are fed up of feeling like this, you will take a more hands on approach, and look harder for her. Right now, you are exhausted, and that is okay.

 

Be that as it may, which baggage on my end stands out if I may ask ? Granted, I didn't tell everything in my initial post (damn you memory loss), but overall, cancer, memory loss and being cheated on 2ce on the past which entirely decimated my self-esteem and confidence are the ones that stand out to me. True though that I've always been terrible at gauging my own issues with regards to that lol. So, any feedback you can give is appreciated. ^^

 

I know that given what I experienced in the past, and as a result of that I will not change. The person I am today is the identity I've built from the ground up 2,5 years ago. I never had a specific age in mind to get married or even start a family or w/e. I find that if you impose such a mental barrier similar to 'I MUST have a Gf at the end of the year' that it only adds additional stress, pressure and resentment because such things cannot be planned. Oh, I assure you, I've met MANY women out there. Contrary to them it seems that I'm the person who has to weed out those who create unnecessary drama and such, it's tiresome tbh lol.

 

Unfortunately every woman I've met seems to generalise men with regards to all having to want sex with them. Sure, I mean eventually I'd consider that too but I view them as a dating/love interest first, and the intimacy part comes later. Contrary to most guys I judge personality first, and looks second. As a result of being generalised I'm not even given a chance to prove that I'm genuine and honest, and that to me is like climbing a rock without a safety harness. It can be done, but it takes a lot of patience to make it to the top. :/

 

Hmm, honestly at this point in time I've just become so emotionally numb from the constant negative experiences. In truth, I can't even remember what acceptance or something going right with regards to dating for once actually feels like lol. xD

 

Exactly as I'm doing atm. As previous posters said with regards to me: 'you're putting yourself out there, but sadly you're not connecting.' I can completely relate to the 'tired of being single and wanting to share life with someone again' part. Unfortunately for women it's much easier. I mean, for instance sure I've always wanted a Russian (speaking and appearance) girlfriend, but the odds are extremely slim to nigh impossible...

 

People differ, and I've never had that lingering and longtime desire to 'have fun' and sleep around, and I never will. I get all the fun I need from my hobbies. ^^

 

Hmm, it certainly does get tougher with age. What I can't wrap my head around is why should I be denied something which is so easily available to others ? I mean, my friends got their relationships handed to them on a silver platter, without putting in any effort, or even facing rejection or adversity, whereas I have been putting myself out there non-stop getting nowhere, lol.

 

Indeed, and sadly every time I mention that every woman I've talked to runs for the hills.

 

Probably not, but it would make things considerably easier wouldn't it. I don't follow...what exactly do you mean with the more 'hands on approach ?' I feel as if I've done all I can and given my all while searching, I certainly can't put in more effort or try harder than I have now lol. Taking the initiative whenever possible. To me it just seems that single women who WANT to date and ARE available just don't exist as they're already taken...

 

I apologise for the lengthy post, it's probably because I'm the strong silent type that I feel the need to write more to compensate, lol. xD

[Teraskas]

I remember from your previous posts that a number of female posters thought you were a decent catch. There are girls out there who will appreciate you for who you are completely(just like what has happened in Targetlock's case). However, that is in all honesty, a complete rarity.

 

A reoccuring theme I often run into on LS is that a lot of the guys who have trouble finding someone are the same ones who are looking for something substantial. Wanting a relationship is nice, but there really is no advantage to it. It usually shows too much investment early on. In targetlock's case it didn't matter how much investment he put in because it was returned to him. You can't be willing to give what you know you aren't going to receive.

 

I know you identify a lot with being an "English Gentleman" type of person because it was how you were raised. Really ask yourself though if that is helpful or necessary. Ask yourself if you are giving yourself an advantage by being that way. A lot of people here will tell you to keep being yourself, and your day will come. I am one of those people that firmly believes if something isn't working: you change it. Do you feel like a nice guy when all the anger and resentment sinks in? Do you think being polite to women(or people) you barely know is worth the investment when it isn't being returned?

 

You don't have to stop being a gentleman, but you should save that for someone who is committed to you. If you are feeling depressed and angry because of rejection, it is because you're expectations are too high. Try relaxing and forget the whole holding doors thing for awhile. See how it turns out. I'm not saying be a total jerk, but definitely give people more credit then they deserve.

 

I'm not saying you can't meet someone being yourself, I'll just say I think you're swimming upstream.

 

If there is honestly a girl out there who will appreciate me for who I am, I feel that I will never meet her in my lifetime.

 

A relationship should be an addition to my life and not the sole purpose of life to strive for, I know this. Yet Targetlock's thread made me think back of how things progressed in my previous relationship. The similarities are striking to be honest. To me right now it's impossible to find a woman who's interested in something which requires commitment. The party-going, born free types are the ones who are interested in me, but I not in them, wheras the ones who DO want commitment label me 'too young' or come up with some other generalising and patronizing argument.

 

Believe me, ever since that last thread of mine I've cut back considerably on being an English gentleman. The anger and resentment is still there, but it appears in phases similar to my mood swings. Some days I don't even experience it at all, while at other times something or a situation instantly triggers an increase in anger and resentment.

I always try to be polite and that won't change. What has changed is that a woman will not receive my 'instant and taken for granted respect', unfortunately for them that is something which should be earned. And sure, if I start a conversation I'm always friendly and considerably more outgoing than I once was in the past, but if they give signals that it isn't appreciated I sure as hell am not going to stay polite at all and get them to walk over me. If anything, I'll return fire...

 

Oh on the contrary my friend, my expectations aren't too high at all.

In fact, with regards to dating I barely have any expectations.

Ever since one of those earlier threads I have adopted the 'Expect nothing and you'll never be disappointed' motto, and it has worked fabulously. ^^

I've already given up on the opening doors stuff, don't worry about that. If I can lift 45 kg weights, then certainly a minor push to a handle bar shouldn't be too difficult for women.

With regards to dating, I'm now of the mentality that 'credit is earned and not taken for granted.' No more entitled treatment for them, hah !

 

The most hilarious part of all is that I didn't even get a chance to meet up with this last one, so even then no gentlemanly things took place.

Also, SHE rejected ME...and now she's complaining that I am not sending as much as I used to. Lately I've been busy and haven't been as active as much, yet she's throwing accusations at me for being honest ? Sounds like someone didn't get the 'how to date' memo lol.

Edited August 4, 2014 by Teraskas

[hasaquestion]

I know I'll catch flak for telling you to "not be yourself" but I'm just calling it how I see it... I think you need to loosen up.

 

You want a substantial and meaningful relationship. I get that.

 

But people (ESPECIALLY at 22) don't go from "perfect strangers" to "committed adult relationship" right away. Its a progression.

 

You start as strangers, there's mutual interest. Then you see each other, and you start having fun together, and in the process you get to know each other better, and it grows from being a fling to a relationship.

 

By a fling I don't mean f*** buddies. I mean that it has to start as "I don't know you are, but you're fun and I can't get enough of you" before it can turn into this super committed adult relationship.

 

You have a lot of that second-level stuff going for you. You sound like you have your life on track, good family, you've beaten cancer which is kickass. But there's a specific stage in the courting process where that comes into focus and you aren't getting to that part.

 

 

So here's my question...why do things have to progress your way? Are you afraid of getting close to someone and getting let down?

[Teraskas]

I know I'll catch flak for telling you to "not be yourself" but I'm just calling it how I see it... I think you need to loosen up.

 

You want a substantial and meaningful relationship. I get that.

 

But people (ESPECIALLY at 22) don't go from "perfect strangers" to "committed adult relationship" right away. Its a progression.

 

You start as strangers, there's mutual interest. Then you see each other, and you start having fun together, and in the process you get to know each other better, and it grows from being a fling to a relationship.

 

By a fling I don't mean f*** buddies. I mean that it has to start as "I don't know you are, but you're fun and I can't get enough of you" before it can turn into this super committed adult relationship.

 

You have a lot of that second-level stuff going for you. You sound like you have your life on track, good family, you've beaten cancer which is kickass. But there's a specific stage in the courting process where that comes into focus and you aren't getting to that part.

 

 

So here's my question...why do things have to progress your way? Are you afraid of getting close to someone and getting let down?

 

No worries about that, I won't flame you for it.

I honestly don't know...if I'm not going to be myself it will only become obvious in the long run, and even then I'll undoubtedly have 'manipulation' accusations being thrown my way.

 

I get that too, but I'm never given a chance by these women to progress things further than from a complete stranger to something more committed. :/

 

Perfect example of the last one who rejected me. We started out as strangers, and got to know one another better over a period of 3 weeks. Eventually she told me that she found it 'negative' that I had practically told a lot about myself already. I mean, besides the things I mentioned on here in my OP and several 'fun facts' as my friends know I don't have THAT much to talk about myself. There's only so much I can say, lol. ^^

 

Even though I conquered cancer, I still take pills and battle its pains on a daily basis. Some days those pains can appear out of the blue...while I'm working out, walking, etc. On top of that, my long and short term memory is an utter mess and I can't remember anything, thus as a result I have to write down stuff on post-its or compile lists.

 

I honestly don't know what's causing the failure in this process. Two women I were dating commented that I had 'strange hobbies', which made me shake my head lol. I dunno why I never get to that 'second level' stage. It seems to me that judging from past experiences I am never truly given a chance, I guess...

 

On the contrary, I'd love nothing more than to let go of single life and letting my guard down to let her in.

I guess the reason why is because I've come to a certain point in my life that I truly know who I am as a person and know what I want from life...and for ONCE, I'd like to put all this dating stuff behind me.

Just once, I'd like to experience a positive experience in dating that leads to something more compared to every single negative experience up to this point. That's not too much to ask, is it ? :/

[clia]

Even though I conquered cancer, I still take pills and battle its pains on a daily basis. Some days those pains can appear out of the blue...while I'm working out, walking, etc. On top of that, my long and short term memory is an utter mess and I can't remember anything, thus as a result I have to write down stuff on post-its or compile lists.

 

This is what you mean by "barely any baggage"?

 

You sound like a sweet guy, but I think things will get easier for you as you get older and women mature. 22 year old girls may be scared off by things like cancer and memory issues, especially if you are oversharing too quickly.

 

Obviously you are able to meet girls and get dates, so there is something else going on here.

 

Perfect example of the last one who rejected me. We started out as strangers, and got to know one another better over a period of 3 weeks. Eventually she told me that she found it 'negative' that I had practically told a lot about myself already. I mean, besides the things I mentioned on here in my OP and several 'fun facts' as my friends know I don't have THAT much to talk about myself. There's only so much I can say, lol. ^^

 

You should take this as a learning experience. I'm not sure exactly how much you shared, but oversharing too quickly can turn people off, especially on serious topics. The first three weeks of a relationship should be fun. Obviously you can mention things and shouldn't lie, but you shouldn't be providing a full health history of yourself and a full history of your past relationships. IMO, at that point things should still be somewhat superficial.

 

I honestly don't know what's causing the failure in this process. Two women I were dating commented that I had 'strange hobbies', which made me shake my head lol.

 

What hobbies did they think were strange?

 

It seems to me that judging from past experiences I am never truly given a chance, I guess...

 

But you are being given a chance. You named three women who gave you a chance, however, all three decided not to proceed.

[daisydook]

I think the more info, the better!!! I am kind of responding one paragraph at a time, so I too am sorry this is so long.

 

In your posts, the ones that stood out to me were your lack of confidence in the dating world (almost as if you are a catch and you know it, but do not know how to exude confidence openly around women.) If you are a catch, be the catch you know you are! I have always liked a blunt man, but some women do not.

 

I have found it a turn off when a man focuses on the bad things about himself, and we all have bad traits, or things about ourselves we do not like. Knowing this, I try not to highlight my bad traits, or things I do not like about me. Men don't see it! Lol. I like most things about me, and I try to have confidence in those attributes. Most of the time, when I have done this, it has been something a man would have never even noticed or been bothered by.

 

In fact, one of my boyfriends most hated features, is a part of him I love, want to touch and can't, because he hates it. I have told him I won't touch him there because it bothers him, and I respect it, but I do not like it one bit! I find him amazingly sexy, all around, from the way he thinks, to the way he smells, to the way he speaks, to the way he treats others, to the way he treats me, to the body I want to touch all of! He is a hilarious human being, and I just love being around him. Most often times he does have this sexy confidence about him, but every now and then, he will see himself in the mirror and not be so thrilled, or get himself worried about something, etc.

 

He has dated a lot more women than I have men. He has felt connections with women, only to be lied to about things, cheated on, or for them not to like him... he has not had the best luck dating, although has had long term relationships. His problem is, he goes all in, and then gets scared once someone is completely intertwined in his life, so he starts to push them away, mainly because he is worried another one will just leave him. I remember him telling me all women leave him. I wondered why! LOL. He has created what he has feared most, and only now, does he have a partner who sees right through him and will call him on things. Most women have been pushed away by his behaviour, and he now recognizes that. Most women do not want to be pushed away after having a man who opens his life completely and shuts it down because he is scared. I won't have it. Lol. I have called him on things, have asked him to speak honestly and openly with me, given space when he needed it, and told him I needed him when I needed him. It goes both ways. I have fully called him out, saying "no, I will not be treated like that!" I think more than anything, calling him on things, and not actually going anywhere even though I am upset sometimes, has shown him not everyone runs away when he freaks out. He also knows he has someone in his corner to remind him he is just freaking out. I do not have intentions of running away. I wanted to know that when I found someone who was really special to me, I would not run at every problem though. I need that same thing in return. I'm not perfect and I am fearful of a man just leaving after making me fall for him. I am human too. I cannot let my fear stop me though. It took me a while to feel like wanting that again and I had no interest in dealing with men, or their issues. We all have baggage and it isn't easy trying to find someone who says "let me help you unpack." He has never left my side, no matter how scared he was, and has remained true to his desires to share his life with someone and true to his words.

 

I cannot say I would be overly excited about a man who lumped me into the category of all other women, who owned the belief that all the good ones are taken. What are you doing dating me then? I am not a good one? Lol. Is it possible you are giving off that vibe?

 

You sound like a great guy, who is bitter about a few things that have happened to you, or not happened to you yet. As you said, these are the things you see - cancer, memory loss and being cheated on twice in the past which entirely decimated my self-esteem and confidence are the ones that stand out to me. Those stand out to me as well.

 

You are right when it comes to women and men dating. I have no fight here! So, I will be honest and I will not argue with a man who is right. Lol. It has always been extremely easy to find men, just because it is easy to find a truck load of men, figuring out if any of those men have brains and care about anything has been harder! Being attractive, you do get your pick of the litter. It isn't even close and there is no argument to be had. It is easier for me, as a female to get what I want, when I want, from who I want, and how I want it. I sound awful saying that, but I am being honest.

 

I know you asked why you should be denied something so easily and readily available to others. Although finding a mate has been easier for me than for others, there are things that just come so naturally to others, that I only wish had come as naturally to me. For instance, after 2 years and the loss of my twins, all the drugs, tests, Drs, ups, downs, huge upsets, I wish having children came as naturally for me, as it does for so many others. I am happy for them and babies are blessings, but I have wondered, why me. I have felt very jealous of people who have found it so easy to be a mother, while I am sure those same people find it harder to find a mate. We all struggle differently, my friend. Those are the reasons I am not so keen on trying to conceive anymore. Your dating life is almost the equivalent of me trying to conceive! Lord, save us!

 

You had mentioned kind of throwing in the towel a while ago and giving up on the whole process. I believe when you are ready and just tired of feeling like this, you will wake up one morning and say "NOPE! I do not want to be upset about being single. I am going to find her, and she is going to be just wonderful when I do, and I am going to blow her socks off! MISSION!" It was a mission to find LOVE, but no mission to find anything else. Lol. I believe you will take a more hands on approach, when you take a less bitter one. You aren't even wrong in how you feel! But, alas, you cannot be bringing that to the game. When I was serious about dating, I wanted an addition to my life, not a substitution of sorts.

 

All the good ones are NOT taken! I will have none of it!

[No Limit]

Well, Fortuna is a woman...

[Teraskas]

This is what you mean by "barely any baggage"?

 

You sound like a sweet guy, but I think things will get easier for you as you get older and women mature. 22 year old girls may be scared off by things like cancer and memory issues, especially if you are oversharing too quickly.

 

Obviously you are able to meet girls and get dates, so there is something else going on here.

 

 

 

You should take this as a learning experience. I'm not sure exactly how much you shared, but oversharing too quickly can turn people off, especially on serious topics. The first three weeks of a relationship should be fun. Obviously you can mention things and shouldn't lie, but you shouldn't be providing a full health history of yourself and a full history of your past relationships. IMO, at that point things should still be somewhat superficial.

 

 

 

What hobbies did they think were strange?

 

 

 

But you are being given a chance. You named three women who gave you a chance, however, all three decided not to proceed.

 

It's considerable baggage, I know. Yet I constantly run into women who are mental and don't have their act together. Most common recurring theme is that their parents are either alcoholics and their father is an abuser, etc. I can't change it and should just accept it as they are, similarly as to what they should do to my health.

 

Yeah, I've been thinking about that dating getting easier for me as I'm older as well. But there's this thought in the back of my mind along the lines of: Why would women suddenly choose to be with me when I was never enough in my early 20s ?

 

Hmm perhaps. In truth however, I would've asked her out sooner, but for once in my life the conversation flowed naturally and I got completely engrossed into it and as a result lost track of how much time had passed.

 

With regards to hobbies, I honestly don't know as I don't have that many.

On Monday, Wednesday and Friday afternoon I go to the gym to stay in shape.

 

On Tuesday and thursday evenings, I go to an Air Rifle shooting club because I've always fancied having a hobby with firearms. Though the closest hobby with 'real' firearms is around 300km away from me and I'm not prepared to do 600km total per week several times. xD

 

Whenever I have time left, usually on Tuesday / Thursday afternoons, I'm busy restoring a 1952 Willy's Jeep. (And sometimes in the weekends I attend military meetings as part of WW II re-enactment.) Only recently started with this hobby as my cousin got married in a WW II Jeep / Truck convoy, and I've always had an interest in that, but forgot that they participated in that hobby due to the less than frequent family meetings which have recently increased tremendously.

Granted, it's more of a hobby for old folks but I've been known to set a new standard for plenty of things.

 

Perhaps the Jeep restoration stuff because most 'young' guys aren't into that ? I honestly don't know why that should be considered strange lol.

If anything, I see it as a learning experience as I know NOTHING about cars. ^^

[Teraskas]

I think the more info, the better!!! I am kind of responding one paragraph at a time, so I too am sorry this is so long.

 

In your posts, the ones that stood out to me were your lack of confidence in the dating world (almost as if you are a catch and you know it, but do not know how to exude confidence openly around women.) If you are a catch, be the catch you know you are! I have always liked a blunt man, but some women do not.

 

I have found it a turn off when a man focuses on the bad things about himself, and we all have bad traits, or things about ourselves we do not like. Knowing this, I try not to highlight my bad traits, or things I do not like about me. Men don't see it! Lol. I like most things about me, and I try to have confidence in those attributes. Most of the time, when I have done this, it has been something a man would have never even noticed or been bothered by.

 

In fact, one of my boyfriends most hated features, is a part of him I love, want to touch and can't, because he hates it. I have told him I won't touch him there because it bothers him, and I respect it, but I do not like it one bit! I find him amazingly sexy, all around, from the way he thinks, to the way he smells, to the way he speaks, to the way he treats others, to the way he treats me, to the body I want to touch all of! He is a hilarious human being, and I just love being around him. Most often times he does have this sexy confidence about him, but every now and then, he will see himself in the mirror and not be so thrilled, or get himself worried about something, etc.

 

He has dated a lot more women than I have men. He has felt connections with women, only to be lied to about things, cheated on, or for them not to like him... he has not had the best luck dating, although has had long term relationships. His problem is, he goes all in, and then gets scared once someone is completely intertwined in his life, so he starts to push them away, mainly because he is worried another one will just leave him. I remember him telling me all women leave him. I wondered why! LOL. He has created what he has feared most, and only now, does he have a partner who sees right through him and will call him on things. Most women have been pushed away by his behaviour, and he now recognizes that. Most women do not want to be pushed away after having a man who opens his life completely and shuts it down because he is scared. I won't have it. Lol. I have called him on things, have asked him to speak honestly and openly with me, given space when he needed it, and told him I needed him when I needed him. It goes both ways. I have fully called him out, saying "no, I will not be treated like that!" I think more than anything, calling him on things, and not actually going anywhere even though I am upset sometimes, has shown him not everyone runs away when he freaks out. He also knows he has someone in his corner to remind him he is just freaking out. I do not have intentions of running away. I wanted to know that when I found someone who was really special to me, I would not run at every problem though. I need that same thing in return. I'm not perfect and I am fearful of a man just leaving after making me fall for him. I am human too. I cannot let my fear stop me though. It took me a while to feel like wanting that again and I had no interest in dealing with men, or their issues. We all have baggage and it isn't easy trying to find someone who says "let me help you unpack." He has never left my side, no matter how scared he was, and has remained true to his desires to share his life with someone and true to his words.

 

I cannot say I would be overly excited about a man who lumped me into the category of all other women, who owned the belief that all the good ones are taken. What are you doing dating me then? I am not a good one? Lol. Is it possible you are giving off that vibe?

 

You sound like a great guy, who is bitter about a few things that have happened to you, or not happened to you yet. As you said, these are the things you see - cancer, memory loss and being cheated on twice in the past which entirely decimated my self-esteem and confidence are the ones that stand out to me. Those stand out to me as well.

 

You are right when it comes to women and men dating. I have no fight here! So, I will be honest and I will not argue with a man who is right. Lol. It has always been extremely easy to find men, just because it is easy to find a truck load of men, figuring out if any of those men have brains and care about anything has been harder! Being attractive, you do get your pick of the litter. It isn't even close and there is no argument to be had. It is easier for me, as a female to get what I want, when I want, from who I want, and how I want it. I sound awful saying that, but I am being honest.

 

I know you asked why you should be denied something so easily and readily available to others. Although finding a mate has been easier for me than for others, there are things that just come so naturally to others, that I only wish had come as naturally to me. For instance, after 2 years and the loss of my twins, all the drugs, tests, Drs, ups, downs, huge upsets, I wish having children came as naturally for me, as it does for so many others. I am happy for them and babies are blessings, but I have wondered, why me. I have felt very jealous of people who have found it so easy to be a mother, while I am sure those same people find it harder to find a mate. We all struggle differently, my friend. Those are the reasons I am not so keen on trying to conceive anymore. Your dating life is almost the equivalent of me trying to conceive! Lord, save us!

 

You had mentioned kind of throwing in the towel a while ago and giving up on the whole process. I believe when you are ready and just tired of feeling like this, you will wake up one morning and say "NOPE! I do not want to be upset about being single. I am going to find her, and she is going to be just wonderful when I do, and I am going to blow her socks off! MISSION!" It was a mission to find LOVE, but no mission to find anything else. Lol. I believe you will take a more hands on approach, when you take a less bitter one. You aren't even wrong in how you feel! But, alas, you cannot be bringing that to the game. When I was serious about dating, I wanted an addition to my life, not a substitution of sorts.

 

All the good ones are NOT taken! I will have none of it!

 

I tried typing inside the quote but then this forum gave me the 'You must type more than 10 characters' notification which made me facepalm, lol. xD

 

You are right about the lack of confidence in the dating realm. That's just the irony, I KNOW I'm a good catch but I don't know how to exude it. Perhaps the reasoning behind it is that I've been through plenty of negative experiences with regards to that and am too frequently seen as 'not good enough'. Conversely however, whenever I am in need of confidence, I just think back of my command of multiple languages. Beings I'm from Belgium, English isn't my first language for instance.

 

You know, the more you speak of your bf, the more I'm starting to see similarities. xD If anything, I like to be touched, hugged, etc. It's undoubtedly the biggest aspect I've missed in those 2,5 years.

I've had plenty of times that I've felt a connection, but it was one-sided all the time, sadly. :/

Ironically I'm scared that women will leave me as well, haha. Happened twice in the past so far. ^^

 

No, I didn't mean it like that, and I apologise wholeheartedly if I came across like lumping women into one category. What I frequently do is write down something as a placeholder, leave it there and flesh it out later on, which I unfortunately forgot to do lol. xD

That said, what I meant was: Single women who want to date and are available just aren't around. I have not known one woman who was single for long AT ALL.

What I cannot stand are those who wail the 'Where have all the good men gone' chant. They don't seem to realise that perhaps there's an error in their selection process as they are all too eager to turn good ones down in favour of others who are less considerate and more to them.

 

Exactly, it's easier for women and with the advent of the internet even more so. I don't know if I mentioned this here, but something I've always wanted was a Russian (speaking and appearance) girlfriend. But the chances of finding a woman in such a particular niche is extremely slim at best.

 

Ironically this 'Nope' response is already happening on a daily basis. But more along the lines of 'Nope, I'm not going to stop because nothing is gained without effort, and she sure as hell won't appear on my doorstep', lol.

[MGX]

You are right about the lack of confidence in the dating realm. That's just the irony, I KNOW I'm a good catch but I don't know how to exude it. Perhaps the reasoning behind it is that I've been through plenty of negative experiences with regards to that and am too frequently seen as 'not good enough'. Conversely however, whenever I am in need of confidence, I just think back of my command of multiple languages. Beings I'm from Belgium, English isn't my first language for instance.

 

I have things in common with you. Hell, with alot of guys here. I too have been colored by my many negative experiences -- Except for my one three-year relationship, I'm always getting passed up for jerks or being friendzoned. One woman would rather stay in her abusive relationship than give me a try. Another woman found a criminal more appealing than me. These terrible early experiences were great blows to my self-worth. All of these negative experiences and not one "win".

 

But I eventually got over my issues.*

 

I think that you should focus hard on your strengths -- what you can offer women and severely downplay your weaknesses. Unless your medical conditions are debilitating or would be harmful to your partner, don't mention them yet. Learning a person's medical conditions might be an instant turn-off, but if a woman starts liking you before you mention that, this might cause her to see you in a more favorable light.

 

What I cannot stand are those who wail the 'Where have all the good men gone' chant. They don't seem to realise that perhaps there's an error in their selection process as they are all too eager to turn good ones down in favour of others who are less considerate and more to them.

*While in the friendzone with a very nice woman, I discovered that I COULD be a very good boyfriend to someone deserving. And that's the key: deserving. You don't have to prove yourself to a woman; they have to prove themselves to YOU. You're the wonderful man that these blind women are missing out on. It's up to women to discover that. If a date can't see what you can offer her, move on to someone else.

 

Just focus on sharing your great qualities...why would you be good or fun for a woman. If she doesn't pick up on them, move on. Don't get discouraged, there are lot of blind women out there who let great guys slip through their fingers all of the time.

[MGX]

Two quick points. One, I have never in my life heard a girl say she wanted to have sex with a guy because he was nice. In fact, I have heard many women say they weren't interested in a guy, and they always started it by saying, "Well, he was nice, but..." I don't treat my girlfriend like crap, in fact, she would say that I'm great to her, but I know she would never describe me as nice. Don't be so nice. Second, you care way too much. Being aloof is your friend. Every single time I let how much I care show early on in the dating process, I would get shot down.

 

I think the problem is that they were the wrong women. Those women took your thoughtful nature for granted. You CAN attract women by being nice -- breath of fresh air, considering all of the jerks that they normally run into.

 

I do think that Terakas might want to lower his expectations and assume that most women won't know what to do with him. Hopefully, he'll run into that one lady who will know what she has in front of her.

[Scales]

I think the problem is that they were the wrong women. Those women took your thoughtful nature for granted. You CAN attract women by being nice -- breath of fresh air, considering all of the jerks that they normally run into.

 

I do think that Terakas might want to lower his expectations and assume that most women won't know what to do with him. Hopefully, he'll run into that one lady who will know what she has in front of her.

 

Well it is unfortunate that most women probably fall into the "wrong" category then. Sure it is possible to attract a woman by being nice, much in the same way it is possible swim the English Channel. There are just better ways to do it that lead to a much higher success rate.

 

I said in my initial post that it is possible to attract someone who will like Teraskas for being himself, it's just very unlikely given the nature of women and dating. Although in his response, it seems that he has already made some really good progress in changing his perception of women. I'm a firm believer in attraction being behavioral. What you say and how you say it makes all the difference.

 

Teraskas, you shoot air rifles, meet for WWII re-enactments, and are knowledgeable enough to restore an old jeep. Sounds like a total badass to me. If you can incorporate that into your personality more you should be able to raise your confidence and self worth. She's not gonna care about your memory issues when you take her to go look at old tanks in your styling antique military jeep.

[Imajerk17]

I agree with hasaquestion, Scales and egnima.

 

When women say they want a nice guy, what they really mean is that they want the guy they are attracted to, to be a nice guy. Meaning they first are attracted to him due to his masculinity, strength, drive/ambition, wit, personality, ect, and THEN they hope that he is nice.

 

I notice that many guys on here who struggle with women are "relationship-focused". They say they want a serious relationship--which might get them props from the women on here, but the problem with this type of thinking is that most of them want a woman to fill a void. She is to provide all "the good stuff" that their lives lack. The thing is though that women are looking for a guy who has his own thing going on. So I think these guys really need to chill out.

Edited August 5, 2014 by Imajerk17

[preraph]

Sorry you're having a hard time and you do sound like a good guy. The things that stick out to me about your post are the fact you survived cancer and the fact you think you know right away a woman is right for you.

 

On the cancer issue, don't tell them at all unless and until you have been together exclusively for some time.

 

On knowing women are right from you right away, well, considering you're not talking about right to sleep with but right to be with, I think this may your flaw. You can't know someone is the right person until you get to know them. And then, of course, no matter how you think you feel, if it's not reciprocated, then obviously, they are not the right person since liking you is obviously a requirement of being "the right woman" for you.

 

When you fall for women too quickly, the smart ones know that there's something amiss. We all have an image in our head of what our perfect man or woman is like and it's easiest to imagine they are that person when we don't know them. As we get to know them, that totally breaks down, because that person doesn't exist, and then there's either enough glue to keep you stuck together or there isn't.

 

Falling too easily can be sign that you are either a bit delusional and/or that you are a bit desperate, and that scares people off. I'm not condemning. I used to be that way. I had to take my head off and screw it back on straight I was getting hurt so much from unrequited love.

 

The memory thing can cause annoyance with people, so it is important you tell them that and even more important that you compensate for that by keeping lots of notes and calendars to refer to. My long-term memory is too good and my short term and memory for names and what color someone told me they like is abominable. What's worse, a friend would tell me not to buy her purple sheets because she's had them and tired of them and then because I remember she likes purple, I'll do it anyway and then remember months later she said no purple sheets. It's hard. You must make notes. The good thing is you can rewatch some of your favorite things and enjoy them every time!

[somedude81]

Being called “too nice” is not BS. It’s really the woman saying that nice is the only thing you have going for yourself. You are basically too nice and not anything else. Not edgy, not funny, not interesting etc.

 

Don’t bother with trying to show empathy in early dates. Women don’t care.

 

Any girl that says “a girl will be lucky to have you” but won’t actually date you is lying to you.

 

Respecting women is the absolute bare minimum, if they care about it at all. No girl will want you because you can open doors.

 

When you meet a new woman and in the initial dating phase, talk about yourself as little as possible.

 

Yes, for the average guy, the woman controls everything.

 

Sorry, shooting air rifles, restoring an old jeep and WW II re-enactments are strange hobbies, especially for a young guy.

[MGX]

I agree with hasaquestion, Scales and egnima.

 

When women say they want a nice guy, what they really mean is that they want the guy they are attracted to, to be a nice guy. Meaning they first are attracted to him due to his masculinity, strength, drive/ambition, wit, personality, ect, and THEN they hope that he is nice.

 

I notice that many guys on here who struggle with women are "relationship-focused". They say they want a serious relationship--which might get them props from the women on here, but the problem with this type of thinking is that most of them want a woman to fill a void. She is to provide all "the good stuff" that their lives lack. The thing is though that women are looking for a guy who has his own thing going on. So I think these guys really need to chill out.

 

Being called “too nice” is not BS. It’s really the woman saying that nice is the only thing you have going for yourself. You are basically too nice and not anything else. Not edgy, not funny, not interesting etc.

 

Don’t bother with trying to show empathy in early dates. Women don’t care.

 

Any girl that says “a girl will be lucky to have you” but won’t actually date you is lying to you.

 

Respecting women is the absolute bare minimum, if they care about it at all. No girl will want you because you can open doors.

 

When you meet a new woman and in the initial dating phase, talk about yourself as little as possible.

 

Yes, for the average guy, the woman controls everything.

 

Sorry, shooting air rifles, restoring an old jeep and WW II re-enactments are strange hobbies, especially for a young guy.

 

Wow, you guys are so cynical...

 

Oh, opening doors works...especially if other neglected women see this and wonder why their men don't open doors for them. Or helps endear you to your date's friends and family. Chivalry works with some women.

 

Most women tend to take nice guys for granted. Some exceptions are women who have been physically or mentally abused or have been lacking that warmth and kindness for so long, a man who does exhibit those qualities is a refreshing change of pace.

[Weezy1973]

OP - I think you have to stop thinking in terms of being a "good catch" and thinking women are picking worse men than you. And quit admonishing them for it.

 

There's really no such thing as a "good catch." It's this superfluous phrase that is thrown out there all over the place, but is actually meaningless.

 

Especially if you're relationship oriented, it's all about being a good match. The women that ended up turning you down, weren't a good match for you. The woman who thought your hobbies were weird wasn't a good match for you. Most people are not good matches for other people - unless you travel right down the line of average. But that's kind of boring, and I suspect that's not you.

 

The problem for you of course, is putting yourself out there in places where you meet women more frequently, and over a longer span of time where they can actually get to know you (in a non romantic/dating environment). School is great for this. So is work. Your hobbies are pretty male-centric...are there other things you're interested in that women might be interested in as well?

 

Also, you've mentioned that you tend to be a homebody. Nothing wrong with that, but it's pretty tough to meet people at home. You're going to have to do some things differently...even if it is just to find someone who matches up well with you.

 

And someone previously also mentioned being aloof. This is in my mind the wrong word, but it has some merit. It's more about being confident - which does not necessarily mean being confident in being able to attract women. It just means you don't really care if you're rejected because you realize that that person wasn't a good match for you anyways. They were actually doing you a favour and freeing up your time to pursue someone that is a good match.

[MGX]

You know Teraskas, maybe you should look into women who are into WW II or military-like things. Perhaps a woman who happens to be a war historian or something. This would cater to your strengths while allowing you to be yourself.

[jay1983]

A lot of real talk from scales, enigma, hasaquestion and Imajerk. Only thing I'll add on top of what they said is. Stop worrying about, stop trying so hard and be a little selfish. You come first, not them. Fu*k being a "nice guy"

Edited August 6, 2014 by jay1983

[jay1983]

Somedude my bad I left you out, I didn't see your post. Good job too.

[Teraskas]

Being called “too nice” is not BS. It’s really the woman saying that nice is the only thing you have going for yourself. You are basically too nice and not anything else. Not edgy, not funny, not interesting etc.

 

Don’t bother with trying to show empathy in early dates. Women don’t care.

 

Any girl that says “a girl will be lucky to have you” but won’t actually date you is lying to you.

 

Respecting women is the absolute bare minimum, if they care about it at all. No girl will want you because you can open doors.

 

When you meet a new woman and in the initial dating phase, talk about yourself as little as possible.

 

Yes, for the average guy, the woman controls everything.

 

Sorry, shooting air rifles, restoring an old jeep and WW II re-enactments are strange hobbies, especially for a young guy.

 

It is, considering I only commented on an empathic way about her past which wasn't too out of the ordinary compared to all the other ones I dated. If that's too much to handle for those which have had abusive parents, then I honestly do'nt know why I should bother with regards to that. I certainly won't aymore in the future as it's not appreciated anyhow. Last time I checked judging someone via texts instead of an actual date isn't the normal method. One cannot be judged on body language, intonation, etc.

 

Those utterances were said by members of LS, not women I dated.

 

Oh please, as if Americans aren't used to shooting at a young age at all...

Considering the different laws around here it is far from easy to join an actual firearms club, so air rifle was a viable and closeby alternative.

Furthermore, it's an olympic sport and I participate in national tournaments, so I guess it does have some merit. Naturally I didn't mention this to her.

 

Cars, and moreso even restoring them has always been a 'guy' thing, regardless of age. Oh really ? Then explain to me the monumental increase in guys at these re-enactment venues in their mid to late twenties the last five years.

 

Plus with regards to hobbies, they'll have to take me as I am. If every woman out there participates in soccer and horseback riding, it makes me yawn as well. Hence my preference to shake up the 'normal hobbies' routine.

If these qualify as 'stange', despite one having said this (If anything for example 'swinging' is a strange hobby to me, compared to these.) then I'll be glad that they pass me up in favour for someone else. If they don't like it, they can leave.

Edited August 6, 2014 by Teraskas

[the tank]

Teraskas, I had my first GF at 23 and I settle for the first girl who want me. Dont make that mistake. There's nothing wrong with your hobby. You seem really mature for you age. it's a great quality.

 

You are learning through the hard way but in the end all these experiences will be useful when you will me your girls.