Lacking relationship experience. Challenges?

[irc333]

I had been seeing quite a few posts from (mostly men) on here where they have reached a certain age and currently lack any kind of real relationship experience.

 

Once is the recent

 

There were other posts, one was linked to someone who had Asberger's. Anyhow, that may be beside the point.

 

But I am trying to figure out a more childhood pattern of these individuals as to how their dating live was in High School. I knew of a psychologist that was talking to a 19 year old male who was having social issues, well, apparently one of the questions asked of the early adult was, "Have you ever dated or had a girlfriend in High School?"

 

This was kind of an ah-ha moment as I never went to the prom, had a date to the prom or even a GIRLFRIEND in high school.

 

But yet, you saw the freshmen cheerleaders dating the seniors (it was kind of a "thing" for women in our high school for SOME of the freshmen women to date the senior jocks).

 

I was wondering that some of those who lack relationship probably never had a steady girlfriend in high school or the above listed dating experiences or any kind of "under the bleachers" experiences with girls in high school.

 

I think the reason I never dated in HS was because my parents were pretty strict, and gosh forbid if I ever accidentally got a girl pregnant in those days. THere'd be he** to pay from my parents. LOL

 

And I'd always here my dad lamenting on how "Yep, just heard the Jones' girl got knocked up, man, kids these days don't ever keep their legs shut, do they??"

 

If one hears that 100 times a day from their parents talking about how someone other than their own kids getting knocked up, chances are this'll deter you from that kind of thing. LOL

 

Anyhow, can anyone see what I'm saying here?

 

Of course, there's always college, but some of lack of experience in high school could carry over into college as well....then there may wind up being that "point of no return", too.

 

Can anyone relate? Is this understandable or make sense?

[D.Mc.]

I too was raised in a very restrictive environment, had no adult male (or any male relative at all) in my life after the age of 10, had no contact w/boys as a teenager in the way my best friend did (casual hangout in groups including boys or actual dates) even though we went to the same inner city public high school. Didn't go to college so missed out on that "socializing". In effect I was under a rock as far as males were concerned until I was 21.

 

I still managed to have a few relationships that included sex, but...never one lasting more than a year & change & was single for years between each one without dating or sex.

 

So yes I do believe upbringing in childhood/teen years does affect your ability to meet the opposite sex. If you are comfortable & socialized to be with them early on, it's just easier for the rest of your life.

 

Looks count too, being outside of the normal range of attractiveness during "prime" dating years of 18 to 30 something will naturally prevent you from successfully dating: either being asked out or being accepted when doing the asking. I got contact lenses & pressured my friends to introduce me to someone (way before FaceBook or OLD). Still it was always a struggle.

 

I do believe you can be "conditioned" through negative experiences early on to view the opposite sex as...an unattainable mystery. This is very difficult to unlearn. Now throw in people who went to gender segregated schools, work in fields comprised of same gender, have psychological issues with interacting with humans in general, & you have the perfect storm of people (males and females alike) who can't find a partner b/c they don't have the skills & literally don't come into daily contact with another gender (your mother or father doesn't count).

 

You can't get experience with the opposite sex until you get experience with the opposite sex!

[GravityMan]

I too suspect that most of those guys who lacked relationship experience had childhoods that weren't very good in one way or another. But I don't think "never having a GF in high school" is much of an influential factor here. I believe at least 30% of all guys go through high school without having dated, and most of them turn out fine (usually because they did start dating and had at least one GF in college). Maybe they just slipped thru the cracks.

 

For the "struggling" guys, I would look back farther than high school. I would consider their lives from ages 5 until about 13-15. What was their upbringing like? What kind of environment did they live in...both home and school? Was it a single-parent household, or did he have his mother and father involved in his life? Was the home a nurturing, loving environment where the parents were involved (without being overprotective) in their kid's life and encouraged him to make friends in school, go outdoors and just have fun being a kid? Or did the kid have a sheltered life? Did the parents - particularly the father or father figure - and/or older brother, if he has one, talk to him about girls at the appropriate age (don't wait too long) and teach him that they are people too and not sex objects? Or did the kid learn about girls and sex from the internet or from unscrupulous friends? How was the kid's puberty phase handled? Was he bullied in school (or worse, abused at home) and if so how did he handle it? Did he develop a sense of entitlement (e.g. accustomed to getting his own way, perhaps due to being spoiled)? Etc etc...

 

It's generally believed that empathy (or lack of it) starts to take root as early as age 3, and a person's core personality starts to solidify between the ages of 5 and 8. Kids also learn a lot of stuff thru osmosis and may be pretty impressionable...so if the parents constantly complain about kids getting knocked-up, that might rub off on the kid. Such complaints might help lead to him choosing his partners wisely and having safe-sex (which is good), or it might put some fear into him and contribute to him being hesitant to date in the first place (which is going too far and thus bad). Issues such as shyness may also originate in early childhood, and it's ideal that they be recognized and addressed right then. If the kid grew up in an environment that encouraged socialization with both boys and girls...and didn't punish every little "mistake", it is very unlikely that he will be shy in his adolescence and beyond...if it was there in the first place the kid would overcome it quick. Kids who were overly sheltered likely withdrew too deep into their own heads...they literally spend too much time thinking and playing the "what if" game, instead of being out there doing and experimenting. For most adults who are comfortable and happy in their own skin...the seeds for that self-confidence were likely planted early in life, and that seed naturally grew over time with proper nurturing. Most guys who had a good childhood and were taught properly about girls are pretty much able to "hit the ground running" dating-wise when they reach their mid-teens. The "transition" is almost effortless for them. Sure, they'll probably have some nerves at first and that's OK and normal...but they probably won't have severe insecurity issues, and they're already conditioned to not take things too personally.

 

Of course, during high school, boys who are very popular with girls tend to be a jock football/basketball player, or have some other "cool" talent, or just be very good-looking. High-schoolers are generally immature, after all. That said, even a dude who's into Star Wars, anime and Final Fantasy at that age won't have that much difficulty dating if he already has some self-confidence as indicated above.

 

Genetics can also play a role here but I doubt its influence is significant unless the guy has a bad physical defect.

 

Granted, there are plenty of guys who did have problematic childhoods and still managed to turn out great in the long run as an adult and be just fine with women. However, they likely had to put in a lot of effort into "unlearning" some of the bad things they learned earlier (shedding that toxic waste), as well as some effort and focus into improving and playing catch-up with his social skills, and lastly some effort into not caring too much about what others think (which is essential to building confidence).

[somedude81]

Uh, I can say with near 100% certainty that these guys who are lacking relationship experience did not date in high school.

 

Many of the guys posting are 25+ and have never even kissed a girl.

 

As for myself, I didn't get my first GF until I was 31, so no, I never dated in High School. The closest thing I had to "dating" before I got my first GF was hanging around with a girl for two weeks when I was 22. She was the first girl I ever kissed. She was also obese and I had zero attraction to her, but I was desperate for any kind of female contact.

[hasaquestion]

Its pretty simple. You learn by observation and by trial and error.

 

 

When you put yourself out there, and observe and experiment, you are learning. When you don't put yourself out there, you are not learning.

 

 

In middle school/high school, everyone is inexperienced, and really a huge dork inside despite their best efforts to hide it, so if you're involved socially, you can learn with the rest of the crowd.

 

 

After that, the longer you go without "putting yourself out there" the more behind you fall. That's why I have a lot of respect for the couple of people I know who are big-time "late bloomers".

[irc333]

It CAN be upbringing, though you can't deny that completely, man. Though there can be exceptions to the rule.

 

If it has nothing to do with upbringing, then what is it?

 

Girls have been climbing out of windows for centuries to meet boys. It's not upbringing.

 

One needs to be attractive to the opposite sex. Physical, personality, etc.

 

What healthy male would not be attracted to a beautiful girl with a sweet personality that went to convent school? So, why would a female not be attracted to a fit healthy male who was kind, respectful that went to a private boy's school?

 

Anyways. If someone has lack of relationship experience throughout high school and college it has nothing to do with upbringing.

[William]

As a reminder, posts about other members are prohibited. I've edited the title to reflect the approved topic for discussion, which are the challenges attending to lacking relationship experience. Feel free to discuss personal experiences and observations in real life.

[utterbetrayal]

It may not be "upbringing" per se that determines how a person will deal with social situations and relationships. But upbringing can definitely set the stage for it.

 

 

If you ask yourself, what is it that allows some people to be successful with relationships and others to be sitting at home with nowhere to go and no-one to go with? I bet a good percentage of you will respond that the people truly successful in relationships excel in the self-esteem/confidence/ego department.

 

 

It is in childhood when a person learns their sense of self and establishes their self-esteem and confidence. For those of us who never had good role models of self-esteem/confidence or for those of us who suffered from psychological/emotional abuse at the hands of our older siblings (or parents) this is most definitely a huge factor.

 

 

Always being put down upon in one way or another tends to mold a child into believing that they can never achieve anything of worth. which eventually leads to them either developing a sense of helplessness and causes them to not even try.......or will lead to them developing a sense of unworthiness that will cause them to settle for things or relationships that will eventually hurt them.

 

 

Just my humble opinion.