Beautiful, but personality may scare men off.

[beautymadness23]

Hello all! I'm Jen. I'm 23, have a 2 year old son, and am technically singleish. (Long story)

 

I just wanted to vent about something and see if anyone else has felt or feels the way I do or is going through the same thing.

 

I have never had any trouble getting men or finding a boyfriend. I've had steady relationships since 16 years old. Granted, they were all long term. I typically do not hook up, as it feels wrong to me I suppose. I've tried and didn't enjoy it much. Anyways, i'm told i'm attractive all the time.

 

Well my problem is that I am so serious about life and relationships! I do not hook up, because I don't know how to view sex as just "sex," and I have to have that emotional bond and connection of a relationship. I get very heavy and deep, and don't know how to just loosen up and view relationships as "fun" and live for the moment, not expecting anything.

 

I do not know how to just lighten up and go with the flow when it comes to men. I can do it in many other aspects of life, but not that. I have high expectations in relationship and view them as permanent. I'm determined in shaping and molding them into something great and tend to pressure and be a bit pushy (in a loving way lol) because I want them to fulfill my dreams and needs.

 

I get attached very quick and wear my heart on my sleeve constantly. I am extremely open and expressive. I get very deep and have a lot of philosophical conversations about feelings and love. I get hurt easily and you might call me "fragile."

 

I'm dependent a lot and look to my partner to fulfill myself. I put that responsibility on them and they feel pressured.

 

I've been broken up from my sons father for 8 months. I have gotten better! I feel like i'm stronger and more independent. Things have improved. But we're in the process of trying to work things out. But he wants to start over and take things slow…be casual.

 

I'm having a hard time with this. I find myself pressuring again and trying to get things out of him and reminiscing about the past and turning to him for many things. He's feeling the pressure and it's freaking him out. He doesn't want to feel like its a project and that we have to start fixing and working on a bunch of ****. But that's how I see it. I want us to be a family again and am focused on mending.

 

He loves me very much because in his words, i'm an amazing person and have so many wonderful qualities. But I can be hard to be with because I always want to build the perfect relationship and can't just lighten up and be patient.

 

My friends keep telling me to just be single and have fun. If you want sex, go have it. Just casual date and have fun. Don't' get too serious and involved.

 

Easier said than done! I hate feeling like i'm killing time and want my life to have purpose. I feel like i'm built for relationships and that's my life's goal and meaning. I'm comfortable that way and thrive like that. That's why I haven't been single for more than a month since 16! Sometimes it bothers me and I want to be free and have fun and get sick of being tied down. But then I miss everything about it.

 

I feel like it's affecting my relationships…or will scare people off. It makes me sad and I get very down about it, even if everything's fine. Even right now, my ex has backed off some and distanced himself some emotionally because he needs time. I can't accept it and i'm just panicking inside. I just have this incessant need to call and declare, proclaim, assure, etc. But that only makes it worse for us!

 

Anyways, anyone else experience this? Thanks!

Edited July 15, 2014 by beautymadness23

[thefooloftheyear]

Hello all! I'm Jen. I'm 23, have a 2 year old son, and am technically singleish. (Long story)

 

I just wanted to vent about something and see if anyone else has felt or feels the way I do or is going through the same thing.

 

I have never had any trouble getting men or finding a boyfriend. I've had steady relationships since 16 years old. Granted, they were all long term. I typically do not hook up, as it feels wrong to me I suppose. I've tried and didn't enjoy it much. Anyways, i'm told i'm attractive all the time.

 

Well my problem is that I am so serious about life and relationships! I do not hook up, because I don't know how to view sex as just "sex," and I have to have that emotional bond and connection of a relationship. I get very heavy and deep, and don't know how to just loosen up and view relationships as "fun" and live for the moment, not expecting anything.

 

I do not know how to just lighten up and go with the flow when it comes to men. I can do it in many other aspects of life, but not that. I have high expectations in relationship and view them as permanent. I'm determined in shaping and molding them into something great and tend to pressure and be a bit pushy (in a loving way lol) because I want them to fulfill my dreams and needs.

 

I get attached very quick and wear my heart on my sleeve constantly. I am extremely open and expressive. I get very deep and have a lot of philosophical conversations about feelings and love. I get hurt easily and you might call me "fragile."

 

I'm dependent a lot and look to my partner to fulfill myself. I put that responsibility on them and they feel pressured.

 

I've been broken up from my sons father for 8 months. I have gotten better! I feel like i'm stronger and more independent. Things have improved. But we're in the process of trying to work things out. But he wants to start over and take things slow…be casual.

 

I'm having a hard time with this. I find myself pressuring again and trying to get things out of him and reminiscing about the past and turning to him for many things. He's feeling the pressure and it's freaking him out. He doesn't want to feel like its a project and that we have to start fixing and working on a bunch of ****. But that's how I see it. I want us to be a family again and am focused on mending.

 

He loves me very much because in his words, i'm an amazing person and have so many wonderful qualities. But I can be hard to be with because I always want to build the perfect relationship and can't just lighten up and be patient.

 

My friends keep telling me to just be single and have fun. If you want sex, go have it. Just casual date and have fun. Don't' get too serious and involved.

 

Easier said than done! I hate feeling like i'm killing time and want my life to have purpose. I feel like i'm built for relationships and that's my life's goal and meaning. I'm comfortable that way and thrive like that. That's why I haven't been single for more than a month since 16! Sometimes it bothers me and I want to be free and have fun and get sick of being tied down. But then I miss everything about it.

 

I feel like it's affecting my relationships…or will scare people off. It makes me sad and I get very down about it, even if everything's fine. Even right now, my ex has backed off some and distanced himself some emotionally because he needs time. I can't accept it and i'm just panicking inside. I just have this incessant need to call and declare, proclaim, assure, etc. But that only makes it worse for us!

 

Anyways, anyone else experience this? Thanks!

 

I can clearly see why men back off....Just reading this is causing me to have a panic attack...

 

Youre 23, have a little kid, and you are all over the place and reek of neediness..You could look like Katy Perry and guys would probably still give you a wide berth...Its a bit much to handle...

 

I dont want to sound fatherly, but maybe stop worrying so much about having a guy around and focus instead on the 2 year old little guy that needs you more than you think you need them..You're young, you still have time ahead of you..

 

Also, what type of career do you have? If you dont have too solid of a career/plan, then you are going to be limited as to your options....Beauty eventually fades for everyone, I dont care who they are..Focus on that as well, again..you have time..

 

I wish you well

 

TFY

Edited July 15, 2014 by thefooloftheyear

[Eivuwan]

I understand what it is like to be preoccupied with relationships. However, for the sake of your future relationships not being destroyed, you HAVE to force yourself to be single for a couple of years focusing on your career or child or whatever. That is the only way to gain a different perspective that will help you in your future relationships.

[mikethemechanic]

look for an older man who's financially stable don't waste time on loosers and boozers. He maybe older but he'll respect you. Plus you might get a new car.

[preraph]

I don't have any easy answer for you, but I can tell you that until you stop looking to others to fulfill your life goals for you, you will never feel secure. Now you've had a child, it's hard but not impossible to become truly independent and start taking a look at those qualities you'd like to see in men and start asking yourself why you don't just assume those qualities yourself so you can stop trying so hard to make a man into that person.

 

You sound very codependent, too, in many ways.

 

So at least try it. Whatever quality or result you're looking for in a man to fulfill your need, you start working to become/achieve that. Your self-esteem will quickly improve as you progress and that will free you up to love people for who they are, not who they wish they were.

[TouchedByViolet]

The truth is neediness is not your main deterrent to men (although getting rid of it will make you a much happier person), it's having a child at a young age. Many men are going to see you as short term material (sex and fun only). These men want an attractive lady like yourself but don't want the pressures of children. It's all about playing the odds till you meet the right guy.

[irc333]

The truth is neediness is not your main deterrent to men (although getting rid of it will make you a much happier person), it's having a child at a young age. Many men are going to see you as short term material (sex and fun only). These men want an attractive lady like yourself but don't want the pressures of children. It's all about playing the odds till you meet the right guy.

 

Yeah, a toddler aged child for such a young woman will probably scare off many men your age, who likely don't have kids of their own.

[PinkInTheLimo]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being serious about life and relationships. It's a quality!!! Don't listen to your friends, listen to yourself.

 

Besides, I don't think there is any fun in having sex just to have sex. It's so much better in the context of a good relationship.

[d0nnivain]

You can't have a casual "do over" type relationship with your child's father. He needs to come back all the way or not at all.

 

With a child it will be tougher to date casually but you must try. A first date is not a marriage proposal. 23 year old guys are going to be put off more by your situation then your serious nature; they won't know your values at the outset.

 

Try backing off in terms of pressing for a commitment from the 1st minute you meet the man but do get to know him & find out how he ticks. You can weed out the incompatible ones who only want casual pretty quickly but don't disregard the otherwise good man because he won't tell you on the 2nd date that he's in this for the long haul. By month 2 if he can't plan for month 4, you can jettison him but don't dump him 60 days in because he hasn't talked about marriage.

[marcjb]

Do not change the way you view relationships. Why should you try and accept something more "casual" if what you want is serious? I am the same way, except I am 31 now. There is nothing wrong with someone like us who do not view relationships and sex less seriously, in fact I say it's the opposite, and is actually a big part of what's wrong with this world right now.

 

People viewing relationships as casual, treating people like objects, having the me, me, ME narcissistic mentality has not and will not make this world a better place. Look for someone who shares the same values as you. Although it's not always the case, they'll probably be older and more mature emotionally than your ex.

Edited July 30, 2014 by marcjb