Female having a difficult time making other female friends

[Ide]

I've gone through quite the self-actualization journey the past 3 years. I am definitely feeling more and more internally content as I proactively work on myself, my health and emotional/mental development. But as I've grown more I've found it more difficult to maintain my friendships with old female friends, and even more so to make NEW ones that are meaningful, emotionally mature / stable, productive and loyal.

 

I don't have a difficult time at all having conversations with men on the things I'm passionate about lately, which is self-development, e-commerce, fitness / health, social issues and relationships.

 

But I can't seem to grasp why I'm having a difficult time befriending other women lately. My consistent issues have to do with keeping up frequent contact, developing deeper / meaningful discussions, having to initiate every activity and conversation (aka doing all the work), and just even getting them to be more receptive / friendly to me...?

 

Aside from the fitness scene I haven't met much women who are open to a more meaningful friendship (in which I don't have to do 100% of the initiation all the time), and some of the ones who are emotionally mature have other obligations / distractions... The more recent attempts are with girls who I've bonded with only on light-hearted activities, relationship drama or in the party scene.

 

Maybe I've been so systemic in my thinking lately, and less empathetic / "soft" in my output that I may seem unwelcoming? I'm not really intimidating in my physical demeanor though. I definitely have my standards on friends in general (which are the personalities that are proactive on improving every aspect of their lives), but I don't think it's impossible to meet some female friends who are just as driven, kind and need partners-in-crime to live a meaningful life with? Not being good with my own gender makes me feel so socially isolated in some ways.

 

So... I guess what I really want to learn is how most females here develop their meaningful friendships with other females? Where do you go to meet them? How do you transition into "surface" bonding to something that is more loyal and long-lasting?

[d0nnivain]

Many of my friends I have had forever -- high school, college etc.

 

It's not easy making friends as an adult. Some of the better adult friendships I've made were forged at work, through work related business groups, in a shared beach house I rented when I was single, and through various charities where I volunteer.

[Jentley]

I've gone through quite the self-actualization journey the past 3 years. I am definitely feeling more and more internally content as I proactively work on myself, my health and emotional/mental development. But as I've grown more I've found it more difficult to maintain my friendships with old female friends, and even more so to make NEW ones that are meaningful, emotionally mature / stable, productive and loyal.

 

I don't have a difficult time at all having conversations with men on the things I'm passionate about lately, which is self-development, e-commerce, fitness / health, social issues and relationships.

 

But I can't seem to grasp why I'm having a difficult time befriending other women lately. My consistent issues have to do with keeping up frequent contact, developing deeper / meaningful discussions, having to initiate every activity and conversation (aka doing all the work), and just even getting them to be more receptive / friendly to me...?

 

Aside from the fitness scene I haven't met much women who are open to a more meaningful friendship (in which I don't have to do 100% of the initiation all the time), and some of the ones who are emotionally mature have other obligations / distractions... The more recent attempts are with girls who I've bonded with only on light-hearted activities, relationship drama or in the party scene.

 

Maybe I've been so systemic in my thinking lately, and less empathetic / "soft" in my output that I may seem unwelcoming? I'm not really intimidating in my physical demeanor though. I definitely have my standards on friends in general (which are the personalities that are proactive on improving every aspect of their lives), but I don't think it's impossible to meet some female friends who are just as driven, kind and need partners-in-crime to live a meaningful life with? Not being good with my own gender makes me feel so socially isolated in some ways.

 

So... I guess what I really want to learn is how most females here develop their meaningful friendships with other females? Where do you go to meet them? How do you transition into "surface" bonding to something that is more loyal and long-lasting?

 

It sounds like your bisexual, try having sex with women. I kid you not.

[Eivuwan]

Honestly, I have some of the same issues. I think for me it's because I share more common interests with men. When I go to meetup groups it's mostly full of old white men or nerdy young adult men haha. Oh well...

[OpheliaSong]

Are women your age having kids and getting married? I found that when I tried to make friends with my age group, 20-25 year olds, so I went older. I have a friend who is 43 who is also a mentor to me in painting and poetry, and another who is 32 who is my yoga and climbing friend. Between these two I have really good weekends and they teach me things about life.

[Kansas87]

I don't know. I struggle with this, too. If you figure it out, share!

 

I moved to a very small town for my now-ex-bf and though I've been here over a year I have only made one real friend, and that was just recently. I'm 26 and out here most women my age are married and/or have kids, so it's hard to bond. I also feel like most women my age already have their "group" that they hang out with and are friends with, and though they're friendly and nice and everything at work, it's really hard to get across that barrier between acquaintance and friend.

[Divasu]

So... I guess what I really want to learn is how most females here develop their meaningful friendships with other females? Where do you go to meet them? How do you transition into "surface" bonding to something that is more loyal and long-lasting?

 

I have two female best friends, one I met through work 20 years ago and another was my next door neighbor, 20 years ago too.

 

The one I met through work, she and I just click. We've never fought and it's always just been an easy transition. The other one, we've fought quite a few times and went a period without talking to each other. But, we made up and are closer than ever.

 

The others, mainly from childhood and High School and a couple who I've met through other friends. I've been fortunate because none of my close friends and I have ever screwed the other over in some way. We've always been very loyal to one another. So, there's kind of like a little network already established which makes things easier as opposed to having to make new friends.

 

Try to befriend women who have things in common with and believe are good seeds to surround yourself with and are supportive. Obviously that will take time to develop but won't happen until both individuals put forth effort, same as with any relationship.

[Iguanna]

I don't understand why this is such a big problem. I have accepted many years now that I can't have a real female friend cause I don't like some aspects of the female gender and also I have the (good and bad) ability to recognize these bad aspects on a woman really easily.

[lollipopspot]

I have accepted many years now that I can't have a real female friend

 

This thinking is exactly why you will never find one.

 

You're talking about half of humanity.

 

I do have female friends. But I do not put much time into someone if I begin to sense that they don't like other females or don't think they can be friends with them, because it inevitably happens that they create a problem. It usually doesn't even get very far because they put out so many negative vibes.

[Iguanna]

This thinking is exactly why you will never find one.

 

 

I'm not interested in finding one. I feel so much better with male friends, at least I know they don't have these aspects in their characters that I hate on women (well most of them at least).

[lollipopspot]

I'm not interested in finding one. I feel so much better with male friends, at least I know they don't have these aspects in their characters that I hate on women (well most of them at least).

 

You're talking about half the population.

 

I think you have whatever these qualities are that you hate so much, and you externalize it onto other women.

 

Hopefully you don't have children. You would teach them to dislike half the population due to a feature of birth.

[todreaminblue]

I find volunteering, you meet females with common interests that you can start friendships with i have two girlfriends, most of my friends are actually male i have known these two women for years....trhough my kids dragging them home to me.... i don't have a desire to make loads of friends because i have to spread out...i prefer to have a close group of few friends i trust implicitly.....friends who i can be myself with and if i am goofy and affectionate, they smile and not think what a creep..friends who understand me and know that sometimes i get sick ......i recently tried to increase the amount of time i spent getting to know others and exhausted myself with insecurities of my own and my feelings of self worth hit rock bottom which sent me into a break...when that shouldn't happen i am a loyal and good friend to those who know me well enough....

 

 

 

so i figured out.....i am over it......over trying to fit in.....over trying to make new friends.....over trying so hard..........i am just going to be me.......and if people like me they like me if they dont well they can get off and go elsewhere ....i am joining some new groups...and avoiding situation that made em insecure and feeling of worthlessness.......i am going to paint myself better.....literally and figuratively...i am taking up art again...theres a group that does art, all the budding artists have my mental illness so we have an automatic understanding of how the other feels.....and.they will just accept me.....smilin.......gonna be a van gogh for a while..maybe make designs for dr suess wedding cakes.....talk to others about my book ideas for abused children, maybe inspire passion in others..... who knows the sky for me...is never too far away....even when those skies are grey there has to be blue there somewhere.................so i fyou fail in findign a friend in one area move on .......and find anothe rplace where you just feel good.......then that will attract the right people to you....ones that can become life long friends......

 

 

 

 

i suggest finding groups or volunteering somewhere you can share your passions and not be thought of a less than what you are, can or will be..be yourself and if others dont like it....well there is a short pier available somewhere for them to go jump off of.....point them to that pier .......i wish you well ...hugs..deb

Edited November 17, 2013 by todreaminblue

[Iguanna]

You're talking about half the population.

 

I think you have whatever these qualities are that you hate so much, and you externalize it onto other women.

 

Hopefully you don't have children. You would teach them to dislike half the population due to a feature of birth.

 

One can't understand a quality on the other if one doesn't have it him/herself, so yes you are right, I do have some of these qualities but I don't use them to manipulate people or gain something like some women do. I didn't say I dislike these women or hate them, I said that they can't be "friend - material" for me. Of course there are some exceptions but I'm not willing to be friends with women only to find these exceptions.

Thank you for your opinion though.

[lollipopspot]

Of course there are some exceptions but I'm not willing to be friends with women only to find these exceptions.

 

Stereotyping half the population due to a condition of birth is most an issue if you are in any position of power like boss or parent. It's the same as saying "all black people are..." It's pretty ****ty. No one likes to be stereotyped due to a condition of birth. If you have no power over anyone, it still seems like a lousy prejudice against half the population, but knock yourself out with it

Edited November 17, 2013 by lollipopspot

[BlametheIrish]

I've had mostly male friends all my life too. I have one close female friend thats been my bestue since 4th grade. The reason why most my friends are male is because I.dont find to.many females who have similar interests. I've been a tomboy all ny life and Id rather be fishing over anything else, yes I'm obsessed .Also Im very big into the outdoor scene. Growing up in the burbs many women around just didnt share my love. And although I'm a fan of compromise I'd rather shoot myself in the foot than go shopping (only a slight exaggeration)

 

Unlike many women who only have male friends I do not discriminate against other women as that is just stupid for lack of better words.

 

Now if I were to try to make more female friends I'd probably look to some of my male friends girlfriends, as most of them dont date prissy b******anyway and most of them are pretty chill women. But I'm quite happy with the friends I've got as most of us have known eachother for 20+ years.