Jagger341 Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I've been told by my cousins as well as my friends that the best way to find a girlfriend is to just not try to do so and just let it happen. I kind of agree with this, because I've come to the conclusion that if you try to do find a girlfriend, you'll end up finding the wrong people anyway. I can't speak for all men, but this seems like great advice. What do you guys think?
Radu Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 If you want a general rule based on this 'it's good to be outcome independent'. You avoid anxiety of failure, you end up seeing only the positives [the wins] and not the negatives and even if you are in a slump you can say 'whatever, no pressure'. Ironically, being like this increases your value in the eyes of others because allmost everyone is insecure about something. And those that are insecure or have no faith in themselves only see this thing you can do, envy you and suspect that you are amazing, awesome ... that you can do no wrong and that you are superior. Those with the same level of confidence will see you neutrally while those with superior confidence will attach negatives to their mental image of you, to keep their ego's propped up. Becoming outcome independent and building on the succes of that is the key to even more succes.
soccerrprp Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 In an ideal world that may make some sense, but people today are far less gregarious or at least the digital age has made people less "social." People don't have the time to simply "let it happen." And what does that mean exactly, "let it happen?" Let fate plop a woman across your path and let romance happen? No, I am more inclined to ACTIVELY find someone. Letting it happen sounds awfully like "doing nothing." Once you've found someone of interest, then try to let the relationship happen organically, naturally, and perhaps that's when the "let it happen" occurs.
Negative Nancy Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 What do you guys think? I think that's a retarded attitude. Would anyone say here, "the best way to find a job is not try to do so"? No. Then why is dating approached with such a defeatist attitude? 1
Negative Nancy Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 If you want a general rule based on this 'it's good to be outcome independent'. You've clearly read too much PUA material by Tyler Durden.
Radu Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 You've clearly read too much PUA material by Tyler Durden. Assumptions are a great thing, not in this case. Actually, that realisation came from a quote by Michael Jordan i once read : Michael Jordan Quotes - BrainyQuote It happened when i was reading a PUA forum that i understood what it meant; i have never read nor do i intend to read stuff by Mystery, Style or Tyler Durden ... it's overpriced piece of crap. I implemented this into my life and it has improved; a while later i had the honor of meeting some very succesfull business men who confirmed this outlook on life. If you had read the entire post i made, you would realise why it is an important principle.
oldshirt Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 That all depends on what you mean by "do not try." If you mean you focus on developing yourself as an attractive, socially skilled, active productive member of the communitiy with competant job skills and respect and admiration from you fellow men but you simply aren't focusing on finding a specific girlfriend, then yes, women will find their own way into your life without you trying. If you take, "dont try,' as meaning sitting at home playing video games and sitting around getting fat and living in your own little dream world, then no it won't work. 1
soccerrprp Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 That all depends on what you mean by "do not try." If you mean you focus on developing yourself as an attractive, socially skilled, active productive member of the communitiy with competant job skills and respect and admiration from you fellow men but you simply aren't focusing on finding a specific girlfriend, then yes, women will find their own way into your life without you trying. If you take, "dont try,' as meaning sitting at home playing video games and sitting around getting fat and living in your own little dream world, then no it won't work. The latter of your post was what I was envisioning. Of course, if the former, great, but still believe while you do the former, you need to make yourself available and put yourself out there some how. 1
trevzilla Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 I think that advice is fine for women, because men come to them. But women almost never approach where I am and have their headphones in and are playing with their phones. I think it's funny how you go to a pub, presumably where people go to mingle and you see women on their phones. It's a wonder anyone meets anymore. When I went back to school, I didn't ask one woman out for two years and I didn't have a single date for two years and getting a woman was the last thing on my mind so I don't think I was giving off a desperate aura and no woman magically appeared for me. The best I'll get out of a woman is a smile.
rys Posted January 6, 2013 Posted January 6, 2013 you can socialize and not focusing on finding a girlfriend. you may be able to find more friends or activity partners/group. 1
PogoStick Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 Focus on the hobbies/activities that you enjoy as opposed to focusing on how to meet women. Simply being active and social will put you in situations to meet women who have similar interests, without actively trying to find them. Once those women show up in your natural environment, that's the time to give a little chase. 1
GravityMan Posted January 14, 2013 Posted January 14, 2013 I think your friends' advice is good, but it's easy for people to misunderstand what is meant by "do not try" in this context. PogoStick's post is on the mark, IMO. Just live life, have fun, DO things, put yourself out there and be social. If you see an opportunity you like, then make your move. 1
ImNotOliver Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Actually this concept, in a general sense has been around for a very long time and has philosophical roots in Taoist thought in the form of “contending without contending”. Here is a real life experience of this in action in a romantic context. Once I was hanging out with some friends at our usual hangout when this woman, Sandy, showed up. No one knew her or had ever seen her before and she was quite striking. As such all the usual suspects began hitting on her, competing for her attention and affections – a situation she obviously reveled in. To be sure, I felt a strong attraction towards her, but I wasn’t about to participate in the competition – in many ways I feel above that type of behavior. About three weeks on we found ourselves in close proximity and struck up a conversation in which she subtly yet excitedly expressed her attraction for me and that I had to feel similarly for her because of the way I had kept looking her way. So, you see, I had won the affections of Sandy but I had not competed for those affections even though there had to be at least a dozen other men who had in the couple of weeks preceding - the whole contending without contending concept. I had spent my entire lifetime becoming the man I am which at that time was the man that turned Sandy on. If one pays attention one can see this in everyday life. Guys who hit on women all the time are notoriously horrible at getting women – even many of them who fashion themselves as Pick Up Artists. Guys who are babe magnets don’t act this way. If he has the goods, the women will come. And if he’s really good, he’ll read her emotions in the wink of an eye. Besides, if you have to compete for a woman’s affections you are forever an inferior to her when you should be equals.
Feelin Frisky Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 Nah. If you want to be in a relationship soon, you have to assert yourself. The thing is not to look self-centered and in a hurry to serve yourself. That comes off as obnoxious and aggressive and creepy to women. What you really want to do is attract someone who will develop "want" of you. If you smother someone new they don't get to develop all that "want". That's what they mean by saying not to try too hard and let it happen. But you still have to take steps to be seen and become of interest to someone, so you need to live a life-style that gives you real life exposure. 1
Emb123 Posted January 17, 2013 Posted January 17, 2013 I definitely agree. I feel like if you just go with the flow and go out not looking for anything and just talk to people without putting on too much pressure, you'll come across a lot more attractive and self confident and attract more attractive self confident people. 1
TouchedByViolet Posted January 18, 2013 Posted January 18, 2013 Worse advice ever. Every relationship and date I have been on involved me being proactive. Being active in the search I have learned more about flirting, and talking to women. Sure rejection sucks but that's how it goes sometimes.
orionboxing Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I'm going back now and recalling every relationship and hook up that I have had within the past 10 years. Proactive: 3 Pursued: 3 A 50/50 split. Of course, there are some disasters that I failed to mention. I have tried my hand at getting dates with three or four women that I was really attracted to physically and was shot down hard. Those are the toughest to deal with because they are never giving you the chance to show them what you are really like. My theory as I've gotten older is to not put the woman on a pedestal - even though that is tough not to do. Always approach the woman with a pinch of hidden skepticism in order to avoid that heartache and the pain of rejection. I find that if you become obsessed with a woman (even if they don't know about your obsession) it NEVER works out. Getting back on track, my mode these days is to be social and be around a lot of different people. NEVER be out for the sole purpose of finding a woman.
Gaius33 Posted January 25, 2013 Posted January 25, 2013 I've been told by my cousins as well as my friends that the best way to find a girlfriend is to just not try to do so and just let it happen. I kind of agree with this, because I've come to the conclusion that if you try to do find a girlfriend, you'll end up finding the wrong people anyway. I can't speak for all men, but this seems like great advice. What do you guys think? No, not even close, romantic relationships don't just fall into your lap, especially for guys. It might be easier for woman since guys do most of the heavy lifting (approaching, asking out, etc). In my experience you have to proactively make an effort to talk to woman, figure out where to meet them, how to be an interesting person, how to dress well, how to be confident and charming, etc. Any relationship I've ever been in involved me going out of my comfort zone to hit on her, talk to her, consciously figure out how to ask her out and form a relationship.
sLiPpeTh Posted January 26, 2013 Posted January 26, 2013 In life, it's best not to go looking for trouble. Being it will most certainly find you.
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