GFX500 Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Well i'll start of with that i'm a 18 year old guy (very shy, nice, and a whole lot of girls say i'm very cute, good athlete, meke good grades), and i met this one beautiful girl about a year younger than me. And i've been reading a lot of the topics of these forum, so I tryed to use things i've read in the forums. She noticed me and waved at me, so I went up and talk to her. for about a couple a weeks it's been going good. I've gave compliments, bought her things( not to expensive, learned my lesson last time), and I've even wrote her a note and she seemed to like it. We started to give hugs, but i've never really made a move. and after 2 more weeks she seemed lost interest in me. Then she stop looking at me, like didn't exsist, she doesnt even talk to me anymore. Now i've hearing that she been giving hugs to my younger brother, and i've received a lot of ridacule, and lately i've been with struggling my anger, and this just encouraged it more. I really talk to much people and my need to seek counsil, but its kinda of hard at this age. i've came to the conclusion that my shyness and being nice is killing me. A lot of people aim to take advantage of that including my parents, girls, and some of the few friends i have, sport coaches. I still like this girl, but at this point im very angry with her and my brother(because he knew how much I liked her). Sad part about this this thing always happen when I tried to go out with someone. I really dont know what to do. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 >>>I've gave compliments, bought her things( not to expensive, learned my lesson last time),<<< Nope. You didn't learn your lesson. >>> and I've even wrote her a note and she seemed to like it.<<< That works in fairy tales, not real life. >>> We started to give hugs, but i've never really made a move. and after 2 more weeks she seemed lost interest in me. Then she stop looking at me, like didn't exsist, she doesnt even talk to me anymore.<<< Yep, it's official. You're off her radar screen. The problem is, you kissed her butt a little too much. You seem like a nice guy, which is a problem most of us nice guys suffer from. The reality is, women don't want guys that are too nice. They don't want guys that are too available. They want a challenge. They want someone who doesn't try to impress them. Someone who's comfortable being themselves. Easier said than done, and it's a concept that's hard to explain and even harder to learn. Don't ever do the poetry stuff. Don't write love letters. Don't give her lines from movies. Make up your own lines. Be spontaneous. Be yourself. I'm not saying be a jerk - cause that won't work either. You've got to be somewhere in between. Basically, what I've realized in the last few years is that things somehow whenever I give women the impression that I like them, but I couldn't really care one way or another whether I hook up with them. That's the key. You've got to be nice, funny, charming and all that...but you've got to give her the impression that you couldn't care if she dropped dead tomorrow. As for your brother, just remind him who big brother is. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 Amerkajin is right, but I would say it a little differently. Giving presents (even small ones) at an early stage is NOT good. It embarrasses the girl and sends all the worng messages. It looks desperate. You want to look as if you are a very happy guy with a satisfying life who happens to think a lot of people are terrific, including many girls, and including this girl. Talking and being together should precede the hugs. You should get very comfortable calling her up to suggest going out. Not big "date" type stuff, but mostly Saturday afternoon stuff - movies, coffee, window shopping, walking along the marina/boardwalk, park, zoo, free concert, ice cream, etc. Ask her about herself. Let her talk and be very interested. (DON'T let her tell you about any crushes she may have on third parties. Make it clear with body language and words that you can't bear to hear htis kind of stuff.) Just enjoy her company without any big PUSH to make it into something different. It's easiest and most pleasant when you nudge things along with the right rhythm. "Being nice" isn't the problem. Actually, courtesy and pleasant demeanour and smiles, backed up by decent ethics and combined with self-confidence, is the all-time winning combination. People do confuse "nice" with being a pushover. These terms are NOT synonymous. It IS true that jerks get more attention from girls, but their big secret is...THEY ASK FOR IT! Yes, jerks ask many girls for dates, kisses and more. They don't care about getting turned down because they don't put their hearts in it and they know they will be approaching many more girls before the week is out. Please read some of my other posts to guys in your situations (search for my user name). Same advice applies. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 7, 2004 Share Posted January 7, 2004 The reality is, women don't want guys that are too nice. They don't want guys that are too available. They want a challenge. They want someone who doesn't try to impress them. Entirely wrong. What nobody wants is someone who does these things with the faint whiff of desperation clinging to every move. Someone who's comfortable being themselves. That works, but people are allowed to be a trifle insecure. Last I heard, men were human, after all Don't ever do the poetry stuff. Don't write love letters. Again, depends how and when and the context. Sure, do these things, but there's the right attitude to go with - again, desperation or a sign that you've fallen totally in too short a time is what can be off-putting. It is a smart thing to do to distrust someone's instant passion for one since we all know nobody can fall for you that hard that fast and have a good chance of lasting in the relationship. This is why if you confess undying love or act like a puppy before you really know someone sets off the alarm bells and the desire to avoid you. She KNOWS that you've fallen for your own illusion, not the real her. Basically, what I've realized in the last few years is that things somehow whenever I give women the impression that I like them, but I couldn't really care one way or another whether I hook up with them. That's the key. You've got to be nice, funny, charming and all that...but you've got to give her the impression that you couldn't care if she dropped dead tomorrow. I guess what could happen is that people who get too involved too soon might, by trying to pretend they don't care, manage to tone down the desperation sufficiently that they appear 'normal'. It's not the lack of interest that people respond to, it's the comfortable feeling that someone hasn't already vested his whole life and heart in you too soon. Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 I've much respect for both of you, but it never ceases to amaze me to see the differences between how women WANT to see themselves, and how they actually are when it comes to dating. Sorry, my experience, and the experience of most men says it all: women want a guy who's nice, but there is definitely such a thing as being too nice. Women don't want a guy who appears to be "available". They want someone who appears to be a challenge, someone who gets their competitive juices flowing, someone who gets the chase going. That's the reality. And like ole Barry Goldwater used to say "Deep in your heart, you know I'm right" When pursuing a woman, just be yourself, but don't waste your time going for walks in the park with her on a Sunday afternoon. You just have to get a good read on whether she likes you (i.e. her body language) and then take a risk and ask her out. I don't think it's especially a bad idea to have maybe a "soft" date just to make sure your headed in the right direction - for example, an afternoon at Starbucks. But once you've done that one time, you should at the end of that date say, let's go out to a movie sometime, and make it perfectly clear to her what you mean. You gotta take some risks. None of this pussyfootin around. Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 it never ceases to amaze me to see the differences between how women WANT to see themselves, and how they actually are Hmph. I could say the same thing for men. -Deranged Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 Originally posted by DerangedAngel Hmph. I could say the same thing for men. -Deranged I think you just did Link to post Share on other sites
DerangedAngel Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 So I did. -DA Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted January 8, 2004 Share Posted January 8, 2004 there is definitely such a thing as being too nice. Women don't want a guy who appears to be "available". They want someone who appears to be a challenge, someone who gets their competitive juices flowing, someone who gets the chase going. That's the reality. And like ole Barry Goldwater used to say "Deep in your heart, you know I'm right" My, how I love definitive pronouncements by people who insist that THEY have THE knowledge about such subjects. Think what you like. You obviously will. You create the universe you live in. This crap about 'too nice' is semantics. Men use 'too nice' to mean everything from cooperative and pleasant (HIGHLY DESIRABLE) to obsequious and cloying, which is not. If you ever choose to acknowledge that there's a big distinction between the two, maybe it would be worth debating. Link to post Share on other sites
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