Hanging out with a girl instantly means you JUST want to be friends?

[somedude81]

This is a bit long, since I'm trying to summarize a few weeks or 3 "dates" into one post.

 

After a super lame "date" yesterday I realize I'm doing all this attraction crap wrong.

 

I met a girl 20 years old, in my Japanese class who was cool and actually pretty, which is really rare. After regularly talking to her in class I suggest we get lunch together.

 

The first time was the general getting to know each other thing. We talk about our common interests, anime, video games, hobbies etc. A couple of weeks later we get lunch again. It took a while get to get together again cause things kept popping up. This time it's more like a date where we walk across our campus, she shows me her dorm building, I told her I wanted to see her room but she said it was too messy. After that we walked to the Japanese garden on campus and fed the koi. I try to make weekend plans with her to go to a cherry blossom festival and she isn't sure she can go because she has to study. She calls me later that day and tells me she's too busy.

 

The next week in class was more of the same. I try to make plans with her on the school closer day, Wednesday, but she has tests on Thursday and Friday, so she suggest we get together this weekend. On Thursday I suggest playing mini-golf with her, she's against it, but suggests we go bowling on Saturday.

 

Everything seems to be going good so far. I call her Friday, arrange the time I'm going to pick her up and get her address. She asks if she can invite some friends later and I tell her I want it to be just the two of us. She says OK.

 

About an hour before I was going to leave to pick her up, she texts me

 

Her: "Do you like video games? Want to play some at my house for a bit then we will go to the alley."

 

Me: "Sure, that's fine"

 

Her: "I would like you to meet my friend-is that ok? hes going to be here for a short while then we can leave."

 

Me: "Why do you want me to meet your friend? Or is it the opposite, you want him to meet me?"

 

Her: "He's already here, so I thought why not?"

 

Earlier on she told me that she's known this guy since high school and that they are just friends. So I think that I'll play some games, make a good impression on her friend, then me and the girl can go off to be alone.

 

I arrive at her house, hugged her for the first time, told her she smells good and she lets me in. I play some games with her, her friend and her brother for about a half hour. When we're getting tired of that game, the guys are talking about which game to play next. I tell her that I wanted to go bowling with her and she looks at me a little surprised. She says OK and then she invites her friend to come with us. (WHAT THE HELL??!?!?!) There is nothing I can do but go along with it.

 

I knew that all my plans for the day were ruined. Saturdays date was the date where I was really planning to try to really ramp up the flirting and I was going to go for a kiss but now her f-ing guy friend is coming along too. I know I'm screwed.

 

I try to give her as much attention as possible while still being cool to her guy friend, but there is no way to make it work. Only me and her play. After that we play some arcade games and me and her play some games together. After that we order a pizza, and walk back to her place. We watch some stupid youtube videos for a bit. Then I tell her that it's time for me to go. She walks me out and asks if I had fun. I said "sure" which was a half-truth. I give her a hug and don't even bother try to kiss her.

 

Now I'm completely confused and I don't know why Saturday happend like it did. I don't know if I ever had a chance with this girl. I don't have a clue what she thinks of me or what she thought I wanted from her. I thought I was being obvious that I liked her and wanted to start dating her.

Edited April 25, 2010 by somedude81

[fiat500]

either she's clueless or smarter than you think. it seems like by having her guy friend there she was setting the boundaries and stating to you that she just wants to be friends.

 

in my opinion, you should just come out and tell this girl that you like her and see what happens.

[USMCHokie]

First mistake: getting lunch as a "first date" is generally a terrible idea...getting lunch again as a "second date" is an even worse idea...

 

First lesson: lunches aren't romantic...don't take a girl out to lunch for a first date...coworkers go to lunch together...friends go out and grab lunch together...but not for a first date...

 

Second mistake: she dropped enough clue bombs to take out an entire city block..."she's too busy"..."can she invite some friends to come"...she has her friend at her place right when she's supposed to go out with you (this is so idiotic it amazes me...)...she actually had her friend come with you two to bowling...these are all huge signs that she only sees you as a friend...

 

Second lesson: she's an idiot...and refer to first lesson...you didn't lay the groundwork properly...

 

Bottom line: LAUNCH. she's not interested. next please.

[D-Lish]

Agreed. She's either clueless regarding your feelings for her, or she isn't interested romantically.

 

Women are fine with having platonic male friends. I think it sounds like she thinks you have common interests and doesn't want to go beyond that.

[somedude81]

Hmm, everybody is saying that she only wants me as a friend. Frankly I agree, I'm just upset that it actually happened. I'm going to talk to her tomorrow to find out for sure what the hell she was thinking, then I'll next her.

 

First lesson: lunches aren't romantic...don't take a girl out to lunch for a first date...coworkers go to lunch together...friends go out and grab lunch together...but not for a first date...

What should I have done? I need to make sure I don't screw up the same way with the next girl.

Second mistake: she dropped enough clue bombs to take out an entire city block..."she's too busy"..."can she invite some friends to come"...she has her friend at her place right when she's supposed to go out with you (this is so idiotic it amazes me...)...she actually had her friend come with you two to bowling...these are all huge signs that she only sees you as a friend...

I'm an idiot when it comes to girls. The only times she said she was busy when she was studying for tests which were on Thursday and Friday. Having the guy already over at her house was a red flag for me. I stupidly believed her that just the two of us would go bowling.

 

you didn't lay the groundwork properly...

I'm still trying to learn how, trial and error.

 

Women are fine with having platonic male friends. I think it sounds like she thinks you have common interests and doesn't want to go beyond that.

I absolutely HATE that about women. Don't girls know that all men want sex, despite how he acts? If she wanted to have me as a platonic friend why didn't she tell me instead of wasting my time?

[D-Lish]

I absolutely HATE that about women. Don't girls know that all men want sex, despite how he acts? If she wanted to have me as a platonic friend why didn't she tell me instead of wasting my time?

 

Well, a lot of women hate that characteristic in men.

 

Why would she blurt out she only wanted to be friends if you haven't made a move yet?

[somedude81]

Well, a lot of women hate that characteristic in men.

 

Why would she blurt out she only wanted to be friends if you haven't made a move yet?

That's how men are. We are programmed to drive for sex. Women wanting to be platonic friends with men goes against nature.

 

I thought trying to have a date with her over the weekend was a move. Then before I even got a chance to try anything she cockblocked me.

 

Ugh, I need to stop thinking about this crap or else I'm going to be very mad at her tomorrow.

[Pedigree]

That's how men are. We are programmed to drive for sex. Women wanting to be platonic friends with men goes against nature.

 

Well, if the lady wasn't attracted at all to the dude but still has sex with him anyway that would mean that she's not doing the best thing (by picking someone she's attracted to) in terms of passing genes. Doesn't that also go against nature?

 

Don't have the talk, man. Settle for the subtle rejection. It's not as ego-bruising.

 

I think you brought up a good point about the "move", though. What is the "move"? Is it when you kiss the girl or is it when you ask her out.

[neowulf]

That's how men are. We are programmed to drive for sex. Women wanting to be platonic friends with men goes against nature.

 

So.. got a mother? A sister? An Aunt? They're women that you don't wan't to sleep with I assume?

 

Women are *people* as well as women. I've had dozens of female friends over the years.

 

The statement should be "Men can't be friends with women *they're attracted too*"

 

Just put it down to a learning experience and move on. Learn to be upfront about what you want with a girl (i.e. asking her on a date) and things will get much easier.

[USMCHokie]

I think you brought up a good point about the "move", though. What is the "move"? Is it when you kiss the girl or is it when you ask her out.

 

 

I think this depends on the social development and maturity of the girl in question. In general, most adult females would take a guy asking her out as a clear sign of romantic interest. Although OP and the girl appear to be in college, I think the girl is just an f'in idiot...regardless of whether she was interested to begin with or not...so might have needed a little more help...

 

But then again, and please don't take this the wrong way (I know certain members will be hating on me for saying this, but whatev's...it's true and you know it, so get over it...), OP noted that this was an Asian girl...truth is a lot of them just aren't as socially developed as the average girl in the same environment...she may have honestly been clueless about OP's advances as she has never experienced anything like that...and innocently treated OP as any of her other friends...but then again, I could be wrong...

[somedude81]

Wow, I feel much better today. I wouldn't be surprised if I actually sleep through the night tonight.

----------

As we were walking out of class I asked her,

 

Me: OK, what happened Saturday?

Her: My friend came over later then I expected, I couldn't just send him away.

Me: Do you know what I wanted Saturday to be?

Her: A date. I need to tell you this, but I'm not really looking to date. We can still be friends if you want.

Me: Thanks, that's all I needed to know. Bye.

 

10 min later when I got on the bus. Over text.

 

Me: Thanks for being honest and not stringing me along.

Her: Sorry if I mislead you.

------------

And that closes the book on this girl. That was the best possible "bad" ending I could hope for.

 

She is a white girl. We met in a Japanese class.

[USMCHokie]

She is a white girl. We met in a Japanese class.

 

 

My mistake. I guess I was just using that as an opportunity to make a jab at Asians...

 

But this turned out just fine. Focus your efforts on someone who's actually interested. And I guess she's not an idiot...well, not as much as previous thought...

[Tim The Enchanter]

Be more direct in future. If you want to ask a girl out on a date, make sure that it's obvious. When you called and she mentioned introducing you to her male friend, you should have got out there and then. You made the common mistake of making too many concessions to try and win her over.

 

The bottom line is this: interested women act interested. They don't um and ah, and they certainly don't invite other guys along to your dates!

 

You will save yourself a lot of wasted time and effort by memorising this edict.