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Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 30th December 2018, 8:16 AM   #1
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We're not getting married anytime soon but...

We are not getting anytime soon. We may not end up getting married at the end of it all.... but I have thought about it. I don't want 500 plus people from my side at the wedding. Then I thought I would invite close relatives. Even that stressed me a bit. So I cut the list down to the five people I live with from my side. It really cut the stress out I was having even though it's not happening anytime soon

Did anyone do something similar?
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Old 30th December 2018, 8:20 AM   #2
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Who has 500 plus people at their wedding??? The only weddings I've ever seen with that many were Indian weddings... in "marriage palaces" in India.


We had a small guest list on purpose - 30 people, and it was the best decision ever. Zero regrets, it was the best day of our lives. We did have to "make up for it" later on by throwing a huge dinner back in our homeland, but meh, I can live with that.
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Old 30th December 2018, 8:28 AM   #3
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Who has 500 plus people at their wedding??? The only weddings I've ever seen with that many were Indian weddings... in "marriage palaces" in India.


We had a small guest list on purpose - 30 people, and it was the best decision ever. Zero regrets, it was the best day of our lives. We did have to "make up for it" later on by throwing a huge dinner back in our homeland, but meh, I can live with that.
It's cos I am Indian, although not in India

I do not want to go all out like that. It is too much for me. The weddings last days.
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Old 30th December 2018, 10:18 AM   #4
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We cancelled our huge 300 person wedding and eloped.

Best decision ever.
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Old 30th December 2018, 12:10 PM   #5
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Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. Everybody has expectations & your parents are going to want all sorts of relatives there to celebrate.

Try to remember the Golden Rule: Who ever has the gold (is paying for the wedding) gets to make the rules.

If your parents are paying try to remember it's not your party. It's a party being thrown in your honor.

If you are paying do what you want but be prepared for the hurt feelings & guilt because you left out Aunt so & so & Cousin blah blah.
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Old 30th December 2018, 5:18 PM   #6
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We cancelled our huge 300 person wedding and eloped.

Best decision ever.
😊 We don't plan to elope but just a few people and I'm completely happy.
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Old 30th December 2018, 5:19 PM   #7
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Weddings seem to bring out the worst in people. Everybody has expectations & your parents are going to want all sorts of relatives there to celebrate.

Try to remember the Golden Rule: Who ever has the gold (is paying for the wedding) gets to make the rules.

If your parents are paying try to remember it's not your party. It's a party being thrown in your honor.

If you are paying do what you want but be prepared for the hurt feelings & guilt because you left out Aunt so & so & Cousin blah blah.
This is my concern. I can invite 40 people but I'll definitely upset a few in doing so. So I thought why not invite none of them. Less stress and everyone gets to be upset together right
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Old 30th December 2018, 5:21 PM   #8
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I'm so glad I didn't have a big wedding when my ex and I got married. I remember I was really excited about planning everything and even making my own invitations at first (had a whole box of them that I made up and never used), but when I started making the list of everyone who "had to be there" and my ex-MIL started inserting all of her opinions about how it was "supposed" to be (we were planning to pay for everything ourselves so she was not entitled to such input IMO), it was really easy to say "screw it" and get married in our Sunday best outside at the park with just a handful of immediate family members.

When my fiancé and I get married, I'm thinking we'll only invite a few people formally (family members and close friends) but then have a more casual open invitation for anyone who wants to just show up. We're in a fairly unique position with venue/logistics to be able to do that pretty easily, I think.

Your wedding should be enjoyable for you. That's my two cents.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 5:47 PM   #9
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If you come from a traditional culture, I would recommend having the big wedding to keep your family happy. It isn't worth the aftermath of drama.

We eloped instead of allowing my mother to plan a 200 guest extravaganza.
My parents disowned me for a while and I was viewed as an awful daughter by many members of our extended family.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 5:54 PM   #10
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My husband and I eloped as well after a very long engagement.

The “wedding” thing stressed me immensely - like you have pointed out, guess lists, hurt feelings - not to mention I don’t like to be the center of attention like that, and an expensive wedding sounded like a colossal waste of money to me.

We eloped and have zero regrets. Our families were not upset at all, just happy for us that we finally tied the knot.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 6:22 PM   #11
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My husband and I eloped as well after a very long engagement.

The “wedding” thing stressed me immensely - like you have pointed out, guess lists, hurt feelings - not to mention I don’t like to be the center of attention like that, and an expensive wedding sounded like a colossal waste of money to me.

We eloped and have zero regrets. Our families were not upset at all, just happy for us that we finally tied the knot.
I agree. My husband and I were just too low key for a big wedding. I was horrified by the amount of money that my parents were prepared to pay. I also knew that my mother would never let me forget the cost of my wedding and she would use that as a reason to manipulate me with controlling behavior.

We were fine with having a small wedding but my mother was very nasty about that idea. I only regret my elopement because of the aftermath.

At least our elopement taught my parents that they should not meddle.
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Old 3rd January 2019, 7:58 PM   #12
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So I thought why not invite none of them. Less stress and everyone gets to be upset together right
What many people lose sight of is this - the day is supposed to be about what you want, rather than what some others might not want. If 40 people works budget-wise for you, invite those you want most and let the rest go. I promise you they'll get over it, even your second cousin Angie who swears "I'll never forgive her!"...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 4th January 2019, 4:50 AM   #13
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It's cos I am Indian, although not in India

I do not want to go all out like that. It is too much for me. The weddings last days.

If you don't live in India, just have the wedding where you live. The flight tickets alone would be an excellent deterrent and would naturally keep your guest list small. "Oh, I'm so sorry you can't come, would have loved to have you there...."
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Old 4th January 2019, 6:46 AM   #14
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We cancelled our huge 300 person wedding and eloped.

Best decision ever.
We had 50 people at our wedding and that stressed me out. I don't like family gatherings. I only had a wedding because i wanted a picture of myself in a wedding dress. LOL
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Old 4th January 2019, 7:01 AM   #15
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What many people lose sight of is this - the day is supposed to be about what you want, rather than what some others might not want. If 40 people works budget-wise for you, invite those you want most and let the rest go. I promise you they'll get over it, even your second cousin Angie who swears "I'll never forgive her!"...

Mr. Lucky

In many Asian cultures (including, AFAIK, the Indian culture that the OP says she is from), the wedding is traditionally supposed to be about what the parents want. Obviously, I disagree with this, and H and I did make ours about what we want. But the cultural pressure is significant, and not similar to that in the West.


My cousin did a traditional wedding, and she and her husband have no say in the process at all. The groom's parents did all the planning, and the bride's parents made a few "requests" that the groom's family has to acquiesce to, which was decided during the traditional engagement (which, again, was a "negotiation" between the parents and not about the couple....). The couple's desires are not really taken into account at all.

Last edited by Elswyth; 4th January 2019 at 7:07 AM..
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