LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Transitioning > Getting Married

Getting married but...


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

Like Tree29Likes
Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10th December 2018, 5:50 PM   #1
Member
 
PinkDotsXOXO's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 43
Getting married but...

Hi all,

Thanks in advanced for all your help. My fiancť and I have been together for almost 2 years and are getting married in 2020. We are very much in love and in every way he is perfect for me except for our sex life. We really don’t do much except cuddle and give quick pecks on the lips. Anytime we have sex I have to initiate it and sometimes we end up doing it or he falls asleep.

I have brought this up to him and it usually leads to him trying to have sex with me that one night only but a fight ensues first where he is saying that sex is all I care about (which actually isn’t the case). It’s not like in the beginning of the relationship we had a lot of sex in fact we never did. He’ll say he thinks he’s bad at it; I’ve mentioned it maybe being a medical thing and he expressed to me he has no interest in going to a doctor for that.

We are going to be starting couples counseling but in the meantime I have no idea what to do we are getting married and I don’t wanqn feel lonely and that my needs aren’t being met when we make such a serious commitment.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 18th December 2018 at 12:19 PM.. Reason: Paragraphs and move to GM
PinkDotsXOXO is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 5:56 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 1,472
Sex and money issues are the ones that most frequently break up marriages.

If you aren't willing for the rest of your life to be like it is now then you shouldn't be planning on marrying him.
Finding my way is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 6:12 PM   #3
Established Member
 
thefooloftheyear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 11,345
You're in a tough spot...

These things rarely get better, and why would you want to be with someone that you have to put a proverbial gun to their head to have sex with?

If he was willing to deal with it head on, without you pressuring him, then it may be something to be hopeful about, but that doesn't seem like the case here, and even if he did, it doesn't guarantee anything...

The other thing you need to be aware of is that if you move on, then you may find the sexual dynamo that you desire, but he may not be as "good" as the fiance in the other areas of the relationship...That is entirely possible..

As they often say in sports with guys "on the bubble": so to speak...You have to play him or trade him...Easier said than done, but that's the long and short of it...

TFY
__________________
"If all you do is what youíve always done, all you will get is what you always got.Ē
thefooloftheyear is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 6:34 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 1,134
Get a tiki idol and tell your BF when he sees it of the kitchen counter it is there to remind him of his manly duties.
Simple Logic is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 7:28 PM   #5
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
The sex will get worse once you marry. If you are already unhappy do not marry. Fix it if you can but otherwise think long & hard about whether you want a celibate marriage.
d0nnivain is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 9:42 PM   #6
Established Member
 
treehugger12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 133
Take it from someone thatís been in your shoes for 20+ years, we had a pretty good sex life in the beginning stages of our relationship but declined a lot after a couple years, we got married even though I was questioning our sex life inside and never got better, became non existent, slowly became just room mates overtime, then 20 years later itís been a very lonely marriage, which led me to cheat once when I had the opportunity, which felt incredible to be desired. Really think about it, how old are you both? mine was early 30s when he lost his mojo, now almost 50 and Iím dying inside, feel like heís slowly killing me. I only have a few good years left, I should have bailed a long time ago, no kids, I still have a little time, if I do bail, I feel like Iíll become a major slut and love it
treehugger12 is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 10:06 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,394
Please do not marry this man. You are signing up for a lifetime of sexual frustration.
BettyDraper is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 10:09 PM   #8
Established Member
 
treehugger12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 133
Quote:
Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
Please do not marry this man. You are signing up for a lifetime of sexual frustration.
Yup! Listen to Betty, sexually frustrated for 20 years now, I could just jump off a bridge and end my misery!
treehugger12 is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 10:47 PM   #9
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 32,727
Quote:
Originally Posted by treehugger12 View Post
, I could just jump off a bridge and end my misery!
Please tell me that is hyperbole. Buy a toy, get a divorce, hell have an affair but don't kill yourself.
d0nnivain is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 11:14 PM   #10
Established Member
 
treehugger12's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 133
Quote:
Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Please tell me that is hyperbole. Buy a toy, get a divorce, hell have an affair but don't kill yourself.
Yes dO, I’m totally being over dramatic, just saying, the lack of sex and compassion, I feel somedays like that but no, never would do something like that. Hard to get divorced when your married to your best friend. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. In 20 years, I’ve only come across one guy that I was attracted to and had a brief affair with. I would be more afraid of a bad relationship and lots of sex, then lots of sex and a bad relationship. There are other ways, yes to satisfy yourself sexually no relationship will ever be perfect, might seem that way in the beginning but not forever!
treehugger12 is offline  
Old 10th December 2018, 11:21 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Earth
Posts: 2,394
Quote:
Originally Posted by treehugger12 View Post
Yup! Listen to Betty, sexually frustrated for 20 years now, I could just jump off a bridge and end my misery!
That's awful. What are you going to do to change your situation?

One of the reasons I married my husband was our passionate sex life.
If our sex life became unsatisfying, we would both do whatever we could to improve it.
BettyDraper is offline  
Old 11th December 2018, 1:14 AM   #12
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Posts: 13,445
Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkDotsXOXO View Post
I have brought this up to him and it usually leads to him trying to have sex with me that one night only but a fight ensues first where he is saying that sex is all I care about (which actually isnít the case). Itís not like in the beginning of the relationship we had a lot of sex in fact we never did. Heíll say he thinks heís bad at it; Iíve mentioned it maybe being a medical thing and he expressed to me he has no interest in going to a doctor for that.
The poor and infrequent sexlife is just a symptom, the real disease is his unwillingness to address what you've expressed is a major issue. How will you solve the other problems that invariably arise with children, finances and careers?

This isn't just a red flag, it's DEFCON 1. If you can't solve this during couple's counseling, DON'T get married...

Mr. Lucky
__________________
Happiness is not a goal; it is a byproduct -

Eleanor Roosevelt
Mr. Lucky is offline  
Old 11th December 2018, 6:52 AM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 42
I, too, married my best friend when I was 40 (first marriage for me) but our sex life was crap from the get go. I thought love and respect and kindness and faithfulness was enough in a marriage.

I was wrong.

Sometimes, love isn't enough.

I divorced him after 10 years of marriage (no kids), and thankfully, we are still good friends.

3 years later at age 51, I met an amazing man who not only is my partner in all things and my best friend, but I'm finally having a fun and fulfilling sex life! lol

The fact that your fiance is unwilling to address an issue so vital to your happiness and your relationship is a huge red flag.
nodramallama is offline  
Old 11th December 2018, 9:40 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Sunlight72's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: A little mountain town in Colorado, US
Posts: 577
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr. Lucky View Post
The poor and infrequent sexlife is just a symptom, the real disease is his unwillingness to address what you've expressed is a major issue. How will you solve the other problems that invariably arise with children, finances and careers?

This isn't just a red flag, it's DEFCON 1. If you can't solve this during couple's counseling, DON'T get married...

Mr. Lucky
!Ding Ding Ding!
Sunlight72 is offline  
Old 15th December 2018, 8:57 AM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2018
Posts: 708
Quote:
Originally Posted by PinkDotsXOXO View Post
Hi all,

Thanks in advanced for all your help. My fiancť and I have been together for almost 2 years and are getting married in 2020. We are very much in love and in every way he is perfect for me except for our sex life. We really donít do much except cuddle and give quick pecks on the lips. Anytime we have sex I have to initiate it and sometimes we end up doing it or he falls asleep. I have brought this up to him and it usually leads to him trying to have sex with me that one night only but a fight ensues first where he is saying that sex is all I care about (which actually isnít the case). Itís not like in the beginning of the relationship we had a lot of sex in fact we never did. Heíll say he thinks heís bad at it; Iíve mentioned it maybe being a medical thing and he expressed to me he has no interest in going to a doctor for that. We are going to be starting couples counseling but in the meantime I have no idea what to do we are getting married and I donít wanqn feel lonely and that my needs arenít being met when we make such a serious commitment.
Well it depends on how important sex is to you. I don't care if I never have sex again. If you really like sex than it's a problem.
brigit87 is offline  
Closed Thread

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Getting Married / Staying Married in Todays Economy? LakesideDream Getting Married 7 8th March 2009 1:25 AM
Married men, how many of you regret getting married? Alter ego Marriage & Life Partnerships 17 11th October 2007 11:17 AM
Why are some people married (or getting married), and not others? MsScorpio Dating 35 10th June 2006 11:17 PM
In love with a married man...Getting married myself... dontknowwhattodo The Other Man / Woman 4 5th September 2004 7:45 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 1:00 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.