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Ex-husband Attending Wedding?


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Old 22nd November 2018, 7:03 PM   #1
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Ex-husband Attending Wedding?

I'm getting married for the second time, sometime next year. Haven't set a date yet. It will be small and pretty informal. We'll be doing most of our planning around making sure certain key family members will be able to attend.

One of the people who absolutely must be there is my best friend since childhood. She also happens to be my ex-husband's sister. My ex-husband is also the father of my two children (8 and 10 year old boys), if that makes a difference. We were married 9 years before the divorce was finalized.

I was talking to her on the phone the other day, and she mentioned offhandedly that her brother (my ex-husband) was planning to attend my wedding next year and had suggested that they split travel costs (they live close to each other, a state away from me).

My ex-husband was not kind to me, to put it lightly. I let him keep damn near everything when we divorced, and have even given him a huge break on child support because I just wanted to be peacefully away from him. We maintain an amicable relationship because I'm willing to bend over backwards to make sure our kids have a good relationship with him.

I do not WANT him to attend my wedding. This issue came up initially a couple years after we split, when it looked like I might marry someone else. He still lived locally at the time, and in conversation he spoke about my wedding as if it was a given that he would be invited. At the time, I told him pretty firmly that he was being presumptuous, and that it was very likely he would not be invited. He blew up at me, saying how it wasn't right, he wanted us to be friends and he should be invited for the kids.

To me, it feels like he's still grasping for some sort of power/control, and that this is all about asserting his presence in my life.

Who on earth assumes that they have an invitation to their ex-spouse's wedding? Is this really a thing that is expected when exes have children together? He seems to think it is.

I feel like my obligation to him ends at being civil/amicable and honoring all of our legal agreements and court orders, and I already go above and beyond that.

Before I found out that he was already planning to come (when I haven't even set a date or extended any invitations), I was thinking about asking the kids if they WANTED their dad to be there.

Now I kinda want to not do that and just tell him no way.

Am I being unreasonable?
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Old 22nd November 2018, 8:48 PM   #2
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I was honestly too thrown for a loop when she said it to correct her. I also assume she mentioned it because my ex has been talking about it as though he has already been invited. That would be just his style. I think that the correction is owed to him first and foremost. I just wanted to make sure I'm not overreacting and that this isn't some normal thing people do that I'm going to look silly about if I put my foot down and say no.
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Old 22nd November 2018, 9:00 PM   #3
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I'm on good terms with my son's dad (my ex-husband) and my son's step-mom, but if I re-marry, neither of them would be invited to the wedding. Personally, I think it would be weird. My ex and his wife wouldn't expect to be invited, nor would my ex be so pushy as to assume he was invited.

It's no wonder why you divorced the guy.
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Old 22nd November 2018, 9:57 PM   #4
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I'd go back to your friend at this point and say to her "You know how you mentioned your brother is planning on coming to the wedding? Thing is, he's not getting an invitation"

If she wants you to speak with him about it, refuse to do so. Tell her that his assumptions are not your problem
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Old 22nd November 2018, 10:34 PM   #5
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I have a feeling if I don't spell it out to him, he'll show up without an invitation.
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Old 22nd November 2018, 10:46 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitty Tantrum View Post
I have a feeling if I don't spell it out to him, he'll show up without an invitation.
Then do that but don't let him suck you into an argument. When he starts trying to talk you out of your decision, just say that you called to let him know that he's wrong about being invited and the conversation is over.

Also, if you can, maybe you should have your wedding somewhere private so that he can't attend uninvited.
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Old 22nd November 2018, 11:32 PM   #7
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Why in the hell would your ex husband even want to attend your wedding? To sabotage your future marriage.
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Old 23rd November 2018, 12:55 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kitty Tantrum View Post
I have a feeling if I don't spell it out to him, he'll show up without an invitation.
Where will he get the address of the venue from?
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Old 23rd November 2018, 2:31 AM   #9
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Where would he get the address (well, name of venue is all he would need)... Most likely from our children. I'm not going to tell them they have to keep secrets from their dad, and I'm not sure if I can keep it a secret from them. Besides, that's not my style.

Why would he want to come? I don't know if it's sabotaging my future marriage so much as it is an inflated sense of self-importance and just wanting to personally get under my skin. Or if he's legitimately delusional enough to think that we're friends (we only talk occasionally and briefly, just kid-relevant info exchange).

I'm not going to put a bunch of work into trying to keep it secret or keep him away or pay a bunch of money for a private venue. I AM going to tell him in no uncertain terms that he is not invited, since it sounds like I'm not out of line for doing so.

Worst case scenario is that he makes an ass of himself.
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Old 23rd November 2018, 9:58 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Simple Logic View Post
Why in the hell would your ex husband even want to attend your wedding? To sabotage your future marriage.
So spell it out for him.

While you are at it, make sure you tell the kids daddy is not welcome.

Who will have the kids while you are on your HM? Maybe to keep the peace you can offer to send them back with your BFF, their aunt, to let dad have them for an extended period.
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Old 23rd November 2018, 11:10 AM   #11
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Since it's coming to you via third party then you really can't take it as the gospel..
I would make sure however that the third party know that he isn't coming...

Time to call her up and re-discuss it so it gets back to him.
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Old 24th November 2018, 5:15 AM   #12
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I talked to him about it (over FB messenger, praise be to that horrible thing for making that phone call unnecessary). He was put off, but took it much better this time around. THANK GOODNESS.

I hadn't even thought about my honeymoon. I feel dirty just using the phrase "my honeymoon" because I am literally a cheap bastard and it always costs money to take time off. Ack. But I bet my fiancé is expecting to have one, so you raise a good question... and an excellent suggestion. I think I'll offer exactly that.

Actually, there's a chance they'll be visiting their dad when we get married (they visit him for a substantial chunk of the year, usually in the summer which is prime wed'n time), in which case they'd be traveling here and back with their aunt anyway. We'd kind of talked about that possibility before which is why I was so thrown when it came up that he'd presumed to come.

I'm relieved that he seems to have chilled out quite a bit since the last time this came up (when he actually got in my face and shouted). That he only gave a little bit of pushback is a huge improvement, as pathetic as that sounds.

I honestly never thought to bring his sister into it. All she did was mention what he had brought up to her. Maybe to tip me off that he was being presumptuous. I don't know. She's been an innocent bystander to so much of his crap. I consider it nigh miraculous that our friendship survived that divorce. He told his family some awful lies about me when I left him (like telling them all that one day I'd just suddenly started sleeping around... without mentioning the part where one day he'd suddenly started inviting other men to have sex with me, and that it was his idea, and that it was so he could screw their wives.) When she and I finally spoke again after a couple of years of no contact, we picked up just like we were 14 again. And when I told her the TRUTH, she cried with me and said "I knew that didn't sound like you." So yeah. That friendship is sacred to me.

Thank you for the input and advice, all.
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Old 24th November 2018, 8:19 AM   #13
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Good to hear! I’m still in contact with my ex’s family. Recently went to 2 weddings in their family. But the years have put a little distance between us, which is understandable. One person I’ve always liked - she said when my ex and I divorced I became her sister instead of her SIL. It’s been hard to maintain contact with her for various reasons but I like still seeing them on occasion. They’re still family to me. Still, my ex from that family wouldn’t be invited to my wedding nor would he expect to be.

Glad you got things cleared up with your ex.
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Old 24th November 2018, 9:42 AM   #14
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Glad the exchange went well. Perhaps he thought he would be traveling with the kids to make sure they could attend the wedding. Anyway if it's all sorted, be happy.

There are ways to plan a budget friendly HM. Set a budget then go from there. You need time to decompress with your new spouse after the hectic wedding planning & event. Think of it as an investment in your future happiness not an expense.
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Old 2nd December 2018, 8:34 PM   #15
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Never mind (edited)
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