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Wedding stress and melt downs

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Old 13th August 2017, 8:51 PM   #1
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Wedding stress and melt downs

I'm planning an October wedding. I originally wanted a courthouse or super simple wedding (50 people max). When I found out that the courthouse in our area didn't officiate weddings anymore, we started looking for other options.

Since "elopement" packaged ran more than a small backyard wedding should cost, we decided on an outside wedding on his family property.

Of course, he has left it up to me to plan every detail of it. He's always said that he wants me to have the wedding I want. Well, problem is, I didn't want one. This is a second marriage for both of us, I just started a new job, and o just don't want the stress of planning a wedding that went from 50 people to 100+. I also saved and put the money back for it.

I put out ideas of how to go about the wedding, he will shoot them down. Then turn around and say "It's whatever you want". Well, no it's not because I've suggested several "simple" ideas and he says no. He's the Diva of our wedding but tells everyone it's not him!

I've stressed so much about it all that I have had several melt downs, gained weight, having chest pains and depression over it. I've come close to just calling it off because I feel like he wants a big wedding but doesn't want to plan it. I don't have anyone helping me. My best friend refused to be part of it as my Maid of Honor. My sister says she will be in it if I need people and my Mother is not at all interested. I'm literally planning a wedding for him and his family.

I know I'm probably just complaining over nothing and should just suck it up but I'm 100% miserable in this process and I don't know how to even get it through to him.
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Old 14th August 2017, 7:07 AM   #2
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I hated wedding planning. So I understand your pain.

Personally I though the whole process was a like a crucible -- a mean-spirited test to see if the couple could weather marriage.

Anyway, you need to sit your FI down & say to him what you just wrote here: that he says it's "whatever you want" but then he shoots all the ideas down so he needs to lead, follow or get out of the way If he wants to plan, great let him have at it. It he doesn't want to plan he needs to do as he's told then you just make the most expedient decisions & move on with your life together.
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Old 14th August 2017, 3:01 PM   #3
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Tell him how you're feeling. Explain why you're generally frustrated, cite one or two specific instances to support your point (any more than that will feel like petty scorekeeping), and lay it on the line. "I love you, but this process is making me thoroughly miserable. Unless you are willing to assist with [whatever specific things you need], we aren't having a wedding."

Wedding planning is lame as hell but it shouldn't be this taxing. Shame on him for being more considerate of your feelings. Frankly, the fact that your family isn't participating is reason enough to cancel. Can you go to the courthouse and just sign the forms with no ceremony whatsoever? That's what we did. I am also having my ceremony in October but we wanted to get the paperwork out of the way beforehand. Why not just sign the papers and then have a party at his family's house? Let them handle the logistics and you can invite your friends, without any stress about bridesmaids or maids of honor or whatever.
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Old 14th August 2017, 9:21 PM   #4
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Planning a wedding or any big event is stressful. Also is a time when communication is tested and gives insight to how you will solve future issues. Sorry you do not have much support from your mom and Maid of Honor. Let your needs be known to people and they may be able to offer some assistance. Let your future husband know how all of this is affecting you and that you need his support even if he does not agree since he said he wants you to have the wedding you always wanted. If he is willing to help then he can have more input. It is also an exciting time as you celebrate with friends and family so I hope you can focus on that aspect as well. Decide what is most important and let the rest go.
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Old 15th August 2017, 6:12 AM   #5
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I think you've lost sight of the fact its your wedding. Its a second wedding for both of you, it shouldnt be a big deal. Its on family property, get a normal caterer. Nothing fancy. Nothing sit down, Have a buffet table of food, guests can help themselves.

Get a JP to officiate, wear what you want, invite who you want, and be done with it. Keep it simple. When you start to get push back from your fiance, remind him he said you could have it how you want it, and this is how you want it. If he wants it different, he can make the arrangements.

Stop trying to please everyone else, and have it the way you want it.
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Old 15th August 2017, 9:16 AM   #6
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I'm just a simp of a guy and I just don't get it. How people turn a special day into beating.
Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?
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Old 15th August 2017, 6:46 PM   #7
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This is exactly what I went through.

I planned a wedding I didn't want. Looking back, it was the first sign that he wasn't going to help me with anything else down the road - even though he said he was going to help me and had helped in the past. I planned a wedding by myself because his parents wanted one, and they told me at the wedding it wasn't what they wanted and were disappointed. From wedding planning and the years to follow my husband just stopped helping me and I had the same symptoms that you have.

If I got to go back, I don't think I could have not married him - I loved him. I think what I would do is pick things from the wedding and tell him they are his responsibility. Maybe table and chair rental, his family seating chart, hiring an officiant, etc. Pick the items, tell him he needs to do them, and let him.

My biggest mistake was being a poor partner by allowing him to be slack. If he were a child, I would have given him responsibility so I shouldn't have treated an adult any less.
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