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when bringing the topic "marriage" up, my boyfriend runs away.....

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Old 20th March 2005, 8:09 PM   #1
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when bringing the topic "marriage" up, my boyfriend runs away.....

I have been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. We live together and love each other deeply. We talk about being with one another in the future, like where we want to live, kids, ect and it's always a pleasurable conversation, but every time I bring the “marriage” subject up, he runs away. He’s very career driven and plans on being a multi corporation owner. He is already a CEO…..Anyhow, when we first met, he told me he doesn’t want to get married till he’s 35 which is 6 years from now. At first it didn’t bother me, but lately I hear it more and more. The other day, I asked him if he sees his future without me and he ran faster than a bullet. He told me “what kind of trapped question is that?” he didn’t want to answer and when I said maybe it’s because he’s not sure if I’m the one, he kept saying how would I know, that I can’t read his mind, that he loves me and that I should not worry about that at all. What do you guys think? why do men run away from subjects like that?? do you think that he's not sure if i'm the one?please try to help me to understand this?
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Old 20th March 2005, 9:06 PM   #2
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Why do women have to always bring up marriage as soon as the relationship is committed? Why do women have to get so sensitive and emotional if the man isn't ready for marriage? Why do women always think that just because a man wants to wait to get married that it's some reflection of how they feel about them? Why do women always think that men should be on the same timetable for marriage as the woman is?

My point is merely that there's always a different perspective. As a woman, and yes I have done this as well, when the discussion of marriage comes up it can be an extremely sensitive topic and a woman often becomes emotional when the man isn't giving the type of answers she wants to hear. It may just be that your boyfriend is not ready to get married and is well aware of how important it is to you and instead of immersing himself into this discussion he tries to bypass the topic all together.

Your relationship is still young. You said you both love each other deeply and unless you're ready to walk away now if he were to say he may never be ready for marriage, I would just relax and not worry about it so much.
People have a hard time letting go of their suffering. Out of a fear of the unknown, they prefer suffering that is familiar. - Thich Nhat Hanh
Reading: The God Delusion by Richard Dawkins
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Old 20th March 2005, 9:23 PM   #3
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If I know I want to be married by a certain point I would not date someone who had no plans to marry for six years. Nor would I bring up the subject, no matter how much I want it. I really feel that those sort of things should be brought up by the man. Women wll know much sooner than a man that she is in love and wants to marry, and men often need time to 'catch up'.

When we stop trying to control the relationship and fulfill our own agendas, it often goes much much better. I would tell him, 'I love you and I'm looking forward to a future with you, but I do have goals I want to accomplish. I need to know if we're headed in the same direction'. And whatever answer comes, take that as his word and move in whatever direction compells you.

I believe that men can alter a life plan depending on what/who they want and how bad they want it. He's not working very hard to alter a life plan, so either move on or put away thoughts of marriage right now.
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Old 23rd March 2005, 3:30 AM   #4
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I don't know about your guy, but I do know (as a man) that not being ready to get married can be a problem that has very little to do with the girlfriend. It sounds like he's crazy about you. Maybe he just has some issues with the concept of marriage in general. Maybe you can get somewhere by talking about marriage itself with him. It sounds to me like how much he loves you is not the problem. Maybe its how much he loves/trusts himself.
...just some ideas...
good luck

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Old 23rd March 2005, 9:40 AM   #5
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thanks everyone, this really helps!!
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