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not sure if the problem is me or the relationship, not sure if i should marry him.


Getting Married Cold feet to pre-marital stressors--the place to discuss all the issues that come with saying "I do."

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Old 20th February 2015, 6:59 PM   #1
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not sure if the problem is me or the relationship, not sure if i should marry him.

we've been together for almost 10 years, since i was 18. we have been engaged for almost 5 years, neither of us care too much about throwing a wedding; we discussed just eloping to a local resort. we have a beautiful 2 year old daughter. i am trying to be very careful and realistic, and not comparing us to all the couples back home that are all getting married and having babies, living in beautiful homes, but they all seem so blissful. i know people project their "highlight reel" and again being mindful of not comparing but. I am envious. We don't live in a beautiful home. We have some money put away for a mortgage but I'm not sure I want to make such an investment where we currently live, albeit is in Canadian paradise. It's too limiting and barely anyone who actually lives here can afford it.i don't feel blissful. we bicker a lot. we are both "eldest child" in our respective families so one could say we are both strong willed. I acknowledge i am sensitive, but he only semi acknowledges that he is insensitive a lot. i've suggested counselling, he rejects it. i wish he could make a better effort to understand and communicate with me better, but he is just more "harsh" one could say, and says he shouldn't need to "sugar coat" things... which i don't necessarily expect. but i guess i work in a professional field where we have to basically choose every word we use so I understand the power of communication. in my mind, he should know, after 10 years, how to communicate with me. i feel like he communicates "better" to his little online gamer buddies than me. he says he doesn't. he says he loves me blah blah but i don't really feel "respected" and really really loved, and i feel like there are other relationships out there so much more fruitful in that sense. i don't want to break up our family for my daughters sake, although I have told him i don't want to be with him. he just ignores it. if i am unsure i want to marry him because of these feelings, then i wonder what is the point of us being together then. we've always just been "together". he never had to "court" me, chase me, date me, work for me, and i see so many other relationships that did court each other, and they seems to love each other so much. has our relationship just gone stale? i don't even know if we real even had super "fireworks" to begin with ten years ago.. we just started hanging out and never stopped. I just don't know. but its really getting me down. i think i am going to go to counselling for myself anyway, once i get the courage. thanks for reading if anyone does. good to verbalize it anyway. i don't have any friends and am not that open of a person anyway.

Last edited by lost.in.space; 20th February 2015 at 7:57 PM..
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Old 20th February 2015, 7:58 PM   #2
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Welcome to LS.

Just a few thoughts:

The relationship you have, is the relationship you have today.

If you like it today, you'll probably like it tomorrow.

If you don't like it today, you probably won't like it tomorrow.

The past is gone and the future is unknown.

This moment is all that any of us have.

Also, no relationship is older than a day. Relationships have to be recreated every day. Today is the day we need to be loving. Today is the day we need to be kind. Today is the day need to be loved. Today is the day we need to be treated kindly.

Hoping that these things might appear at some point in the future is pointless.

It really does have to be today.

I think you get my point

Marriage will not in itself, make anything better or worse.

Sometimes one, or both partners forget to invest in a relationship, and the relationship starves due to a lack of nourishment.

What do you invest?

What does your partner invest?

What do you both do to strengthen your bond?

Sometimes happiness is just one thought away.

I think you should get some counselling to get really clear about what you want, and to decide if what you want can be found within your current relationship.

Take your time over this.

Once again, welcome.
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Old 22nd February 2015, 6:20 PM   #3
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Counseling may be a good idea...?
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