Will he ever marry me?

[ohso]

I’m with a guy for many years and mostly it’s been great. He used to joke about marrying me in the beginning of our relationship. Then after 2 years he started saying marriage is just a piece of paper. Then after a few years we broke up for a short time because he refused to marry me saying he isn’t ready financially and emotionally and our relationship isn’t strong. Then I dated other men but nothing serious.

 

He was hurt and came back saying I’m the one and he will marry me when I wanted it. But after some years he forgot about saying that and refused when I proposed him saying he’s afraid he’ll lose his freedom. We stayed together and he promised marriage will happen once.

 

I can’t trust him on that. He’s very flaky. He doesn't even realize he is in love with me and says he's never been. I’m also resentful so even if he asked me to marry him I would refuse just to hurt him back.

 

I love him but my self-esteem is suffering. I need your help please.

[newmoon]

...He doesn't even realize he is in love with me and says he's never been. ....

 

well, to answer your original question, NO

[d0nnivain]

When they say marriage is just a piece of paper, they will never marry you.

[dragon_fly_7]

OP, even if he were to propose would you still even accept that esp after he stated how he truly felt that marriage is just a piece of paper and it's clearly not something he himself isn't crazily excited about? I would not.

 

With all that you're going through and the marriage mainly be your idea but not something where you both discussed and are at the same page???

[dragon_fly_7]

I love him but my self-esteem is suffering. I need your help please.

Then it would be wise to break up since things aren't clearly going the way you would want them to be (marriage and kids) and both of you aren't on the same page. After that, you can seek a counselor and work on your self-esteem.

 

Never lower yourself to a man like that by practically begging them for marriage esp after what he told you about marriage being like a piece of paper. That's like you were proposing to yourself.

[Zahara]

He doesn't even realize he is in love with me and says he's never been.

 

The answer to your question.

[Zapbasket]

The answer to your question.

 

Ditto that.

 

For your own self-respect, you need to exit this relationship. Saying he has never been in love with you? That's an instant cue to walk out the door and never look back. If he doesn't come running to you with apologies and a plan for a future together, then he means it. But don't stay, second-guessing his words.

 

You will thank yourself later on for walking away. I promise you that.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I’m with a guy for many years and mostly it’s been great. He used to joke about marrying me in the beginning of our relationship. Then after 2 years he started saying marriage is just a piece of paper. Then after a few years we broke up for a short time because he refused to marry me saying he isn’t ready financially and emotionally and our relationship isn’t strong. Then I dated other men but nothing serious.

 

He was hurt and came back saying I’m the one and he will marry me when I wanted it. But after some years he forgot about saying that and refused when I proposed him saying he’s afraid he’ll lose his freedom. We stayed together and he promised marriage will happen once.

 

I can’t trust him on that. He’s very flaky. He doesn't even realize he is in love with me and says he's never been. I’m also resentful so even if he asked me to marry him I would refuse just to hurt him back.

 

I love him but my self-esteem is suffering. I need your help please.

 

I think this says it all.

[mikethemechanic]

You need to ask yourself what are the goals of this relationship before you worry about getting married.

[Cynicalme]

Go read your post and then wonder why you had to post here for help.

 

Really, you needed advice? Really???

[dragon_fly_7]

If he doesn't come running to you with apologies and a plan for a future together, then he means it. But don't stay, second-guessing his words.

I think even if he were to come running and apologizing to her with an engagement ring, she should still break up. It shouldn't even take that to know if a man has marriage or not. It shouldn't take a girl walking away to suddenly change his mind, which isn't sincere at all.

I think this would be offending to me the most, if I had to even give an ultimatum and break up to make a man suddenly propose. It wouldn't take away the fact that the woman had to practically force this on him and he wasn't excited from the start and how none of it was what he truly wanted.

[preraph]

I think you should break up with him and not let him come around at all and let him see how it is without you and let him has his precious freedom. Do not break up with him and then keep letting him lean on you or be in your life. Tell him you understand he wants his freedom and you're going to make it easy for him. Don't let him come around for at least a year and see what exactly he's doing with his newfound freedom and then you can check in to see if he has any deeper appreciation for what he had or is indeed happier without you.

 

A guy saying it's just a piece of paper, the ones I've known to do that (no one I've dated thank god) were basically dismissive of women and trying to act like some woman was after them but like they were too good for them. The guy I worked with was about ready to shoot himself in the knee after he let his girlfriend walk away after she'd given him every opportunity to mature and change his tune. She left and was married within a year because she was a real find. She was not only too good looking for him (everyone at work said so) but a much better person than he was and he had this cocky attitude like he could just go out and get someone like her again, but of course, he never did and was sick when he finally realized he wasn't all that. Sometimes people just need a dose of reality.

[Darren2013]

I think even if he were to come running and apologizing to her with an engagement ring, she should still break up. It shouldn't even take that to know if a man has marriage or not. It shouldn't take a girl walking away to suddenly change his mind, which isn't sincere at all.

I think this would be offending to me the most, if I had to even give an ultimatum and break up to make a man suddenly propose. It wouldn't take away the fact that the woman had to practically force this on him and he wasn't excited from the start and how none of it was what he truly wanted.

 

There's nothing wrong with incentives. If her breaking up with him is the incentive he needs to commit to her then so be it. Some men do need a little push.

[evanescentworld]

Will he ever marry me?

 

At a rough guess..... No.

[dragon_fly_7]

There's nothing wrong with incentives. If her breaking up with him is the incentive he needs to commit to her then so be it. Some men do need a little push.

I guess but umm I'm not the type of women to push a man into doing something that doesn't naturally comes from him. I wouldn't like to feel that there was a major possibility that he would've never propose on his own free will if it wasn't for me breaking up to get to that point. Who knows if the man is then going to resent me during the marriage and I end up permanently feeling like I pushed him against a wall and it was only my idea, my dream, my goal (esp after the ''It's just a piece of paper'' statement) but not his.

 

So if I were ever in this situation and I had to break up, that would be over for me (no second chance, no if nor buts, nothing) and I would then tell him not to even knock on my door with a ring because I'm not going to accept that as it's too late. In fact, I might not even answer the door.

 

I still believe that we shouldn't be feeling like pulling hairs or going over the top of ultimatums to get a man to propose. Marriage has to be a topic both of them can freely discussed and are exactly on the same page, without the woman ever feeling she has to remind him nor it ever taking a break up to get that proposal.

Edited November 19, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[Darren2013]

I guess but umm I'm not the type of women to push a man into doing something that doesn't naturally comes from him. I wouldn't like to feel that there was a major possibility that he would've never propose on his own free will if it wasn't for me breaking up to get to that point. Who knows if the man is then going to resent me during the marriage and I end up permanently feeling like I pushed him against a wall and it was only my idea, my dream, my goal (esp after the ''It's just a piece of paper'' statement) but not his.

 

So if I were ever in this situation and I had to break up, that would be over for me (no second chance, no if nor buts, nothing) and I would then tell him not to even knock on my door with a ring because I'm not going to accept that as it's too late. In fact, I might not even answer the door.

 

I still believe that we shouldn't be feeling like pulling hairs or going over the top of ultimatums to get a man to propose. Marriage has to be a topic both of them can freely discussed and are exactly on the same page, without the woman ever feeling she has to remind him nor it ever taking a break up to get that proposal.

 

 

That's kind of harsh that you wouldn't even be open to the possibility that people can have a change of heart over time. If you wouldn't even give a second chance then I'd question just how much you really loved him to begin with. Isn't forgiveness an important part of a relationship? I think it is an honorable thing when a person realizes they were wrong and want to make things right and try to make amends.

[dragon_fly_7]

That's kind of harsh that you wouldn't even be open to the possibility that people can have a change of heart over time. If you wouldn't even give a second chance then I'd question just how much you really loved him to begin with. Isn't forgiveness an important part of a relationship?

Well luckily I'm 27 and don't want kids (never did since I was 13) so marriage isn't really my major goal but if marriage was something so important to me just like the OP, then:

 

I think it's fair. In that scenerio why should I be suddenly excited and convinced that he wants marriage esp if that's not something he felt strongly about from the beginning?

 

It wouldn't take away the fact that I felt I've wasted time and the ''It's just a piece of paper'' words coming out of his mouth is something I wouldn't get over.

 

I give slack to minor stuff but marriage is a very serious topic. What's the point of being in a relationship with someone that doesn't shares your same ideas and views towards the future? That guy in the story should find a woman that feels the same way. I wouldn't mind. But it's wrong for a man like that to be with a marriage-minded woman and both of them wasting time.

Edited November 19, 2014 by dragon_fly_7

[Darren2013]

Well luckily I'm 27 and don't want kids (never did since I was 13) so marriage isn't really my major goal but if marriage was something so important to me just like the OP, then:

 

I think it's fair. In that scenerio why should I be suddenly excited and convinced that he wants marriage esp if that's not something he felt strongly about from the beginning?

 

It wouldn't take away the fact that I felt I've wasted time and the ''It's just a piece of paper'' words coming out of his mouth is something I wouldn't get over.

 

I give slack to minor stuff but marriage is a very serious topic. What's the point of being in a relationship with someone that doesn't shares your same ideas and views towards the future? That guy in the story should find a woman that feels the same way. I wouldn't mind. But it's wrong for a man like that to be with a marriage-minded woman and both of them wasting time.

 

 

Because as I said people can have a change of heart over time. I'm not saying wait around to see if that person changes but if after a breakup period they come knocking on your door having a change of heart that they can't live without you after-all and if you are still single and available at that time then why not give it a chance since they are now on the same page?

[dragon_fly_7]

Because as I said people can have a change of heart over time. I'm not saying wait around to see if that person changes but if after a breakup period they come knocking on your door having a change of heart that they can't live without you after-all and if you are still single and available at that time then why not give it a chance since they are now on the same page?

I understand that some people can change but I would still feel it was forced. That's simply how I would feel. He can bring Congress and go to moon for all I care and I still decline his attempt. If I were feeling this way then the right thing would be not in a relationship like that.

 

Sure maybe it might be harsh and I should give second chance. But what if I still want to move on and find another man on the same page, whom I didn't have even break up to get a proposal from?

[Darren2013]

I understand that some people can change but I would still feel it was forced. That's simply how I would feel. He can bring Congress and go to moon for all I care and I would still not accept it. If I were feeling this way then the right thing would be not in a relationship like that.

 

Sure maybe it might be harsh and I should give second chance. But what if I still want to move on and find another man on the same page, whom I didn't have even break up to get a proposal from?

 

So even if he comes knocking and gets down on one knew with a ring you would view him as pathetic even if you were still single at the time? Don't tell me you would call the cops?

[dragon_fly_7]

So even if he comes knocking and gets down on one knew with a ring you would view him as pathetic even if you were still single at the time? Don't tell me you would call the cops?

Yes, he would be pathetic.

 

The first knock on the door, no I wouldn't call the cops. If he keeps doing that during the next couple days then yes, I would report him for harassment.

[carly75]

Being afraid of emotionally and financially that is a sign that he can't marry you. If someone wants to marry even if he's not ready, he will not be afraid.