FreyaB Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 My fiancé and I have been together 13yrs and have a 12yo son together, he was born when I was 16. We have agreed to get married next July. We have always had a very intense relationship, he always has his hands on me and I love him so much, He has always had a bad boy streak that I used to love until now. Lately it seems like everything he does annoys me, He has become possessive of me the last while for example he snaps if I even have a friendly laugh with a bartender. If we are out shopping & he puts his arm around me or tries to hold my hand I make an excuse not to, In bed he has always pulled me in close to him and I used to love that but now I just get frustrated and feel smothered by him, I know he feels me being distant from him because its causing arguments between us like last night, We still have an amazing sex life though. He text me today saying he booked a table for us in a really fancy restaurant for Saturday night, I pretended to be happy about it but the truth is I'm dreading it. I don't know what has caused me to go like this with him, I do love him but Its driving me crazy all I can think about is that I'm panicking about getting married or something, I don't know!? Any advice would be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 That's a bit more than cold feet but it might not be insurmountable. Marriage is a big deal but not as big as having a kid together. You already did that so . . . . Think about what you are worried about? If you liked the whole bad boy thing, are you worried he never grew out of it? Are you worried that you were young when you got together & you will grow tired of each other because you never took the time to see what else is out there? Don't be. What else is out there probably wouldn't have stuck around to be a teenaged parent. Perhaps get some pre-marital counseling. DH & I got some & it opened our eyes to certain things. I found it beneficial. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gloria25 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 While I normally would recommend getting married - especially since you guys already have a child, but in this case if getting married is causing too much stress and you two already are committed and are taking care of your RL and the child, then (especially over 12 years) maybe marriage is something you want to reconsider at this time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crila16 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 Oh boy. Love lost. The feeling is gone. He's not the one. This is why a lot of people end up divorced. They grow apart or they fall out of infatuation with each other. In this case, it sounds like you've grown apart...if the things you once loved about him, now annoy you. Well...I can tell you one thing. The biggest mistake you could ever make would be to walk down the aisle with him. The even worse part is you know that, and you wish you didn't. The other sad part is you know your feelings most likely will never come back, so you may have to face the inevitable. That it's over. It's just been 13 long years. Like a marriage. And you share a son together. It's not something you can just walk away from...especially because this man is clearly still in love with you. The only thing I can suggest is maybe you need to take a break. Move out for a month or two to see if you start to miss him or so things can become clearer for you. Maybe there's a chance that you will realize that you don't want to be without him. Tell him if he loves you, he'll let you be for a while so you can think. That this alone time is important for you. The more he feels you pulling away, the tighter he will hold onto you....which will annoy you even more. That's why it's probably best to step back and stay with a friend or family member for a while. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 It's his increased possesiveness and insecurity is what is turning you off. Some think it's just a show of love and affection, but it's not, it's abuse. He sees you being distant, to him he thinks you are wandering off to find someone else, so his jealous grip grows stronger. This needs to be addressed with him through counseling. He needs to hear from you how his behavior is making you feel, and that is why you are pulling away. A counselor will help you both work through these issues and hopefully will improve your relationship with each other. If not then you just saved yourself a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreyaB Posted September 23, 2014 Author Share Posted September 23, 2014 A little fear about it all is also because when our son was almost 2 my fiancé was sent to prison for 2yrs, He was charged with GBH. The fight was started when a guy who let it be known that he liked me kept pushing my fiancé's buttons on a night with friends and was saying inappropriate things about me, My fiancé snapped. Although he promised me he would never use his hands like that again and still tries to make it up to me for leaving me with our baby, a part of me is always in fear if he gets pushed again and im once again left alone. I know I still hold that against him and I shouldn't Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 23, 2014 Share Posted September 23, 2014 What is GBH? Anyway, hopefully he has grown up since then & matured. He probably had some anger management in prison. It was over 10 years ago. If you haven't seen recurrent behavior, it may be time to trust him again. You two should talk about this with a professional because it is a very big thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Mascara Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Grievous Bodily Harm. It's a physical assault term in the UK. OP, I'd recommend counselling. I see so many people who get married after many years together who end up getting divorced soon after. The question to ask yourself is not "do I want to get married" but "do I want to get divorced". If you think that's any kind of possibility, postpone the wedding until you're completely sure you won't end up regretting it. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 Grievous Bodily Harm. It's a physical assault term in the UK. Thank you for teaching me something new. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FreyaB Posted September 24, 2014 Author Share Posted September 24, 2014 I would be very grateful for more advice guys. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted September 24, 2014 Share Posted September 24, 2014 There really isn't much else to say but to go get some counseling. There you can deal with the doubts and fears you have, so you can make your decisions with a clearer perspective. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 1, 2014 Share Posted October 1, 2014 I think it's as simple as your basic instincts are telling you to move on and find another mate and produce another offspring with someone else. You have been with him for almost half your life, have a child that is almost a biological adult, but yet you are still a young woman and still have many years of life and fertility left. This is simply Mother Nature telling you that you have been there-done that with this mate and time to move on to the next one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts