250r Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 I'm kinda at a loss of what to do here and said what the heck maybe some outside ideas or opinions may help. I(30yr old) have been seeing this woman(29yr) for a little over a year and it has been wonderful. She lives with me in my house for the past 6 months. Everything is great. She has been really hinting at me lately about marraige and starting a family. She was married before which she has been very honest about and got a divorce about a year before we met. I have never been married. She was always very up front about that and it doesn't really bother me at all although it isn't "ideal". Anyways, we had one of those uncomfortable discussions (past relationships) and a whole bunch of stuff came out that kind of blew my mind and now I don't know if I'm getting in over my head. Bomb #1 - She admitted to cheating on her exhusband numerous times and even a "one night stand" the week before her actual wedding day. I had asked her if there was ever any infadelity in the marraige early on in our relationship and she had told me never - that she was always faithful eventhough she was unhappy. Bomb #2 - Early on in our relationship we had a little "pregnancy scare" when her period skipped a month. At that time I had asked her if it was possible that it was anyone elses since our relationship was so new (few weeks). She said absolutely not and that it was months since she had slept with anyone else. Well it turned out she now (a year later) admits to being with someone esle a week before being with me. Bomb #3 - When we started being sexually active on a regular basis I had gently asked about past std's and she said never. Well it turns out that she had chlamidea at age 15 and was with around 10 other partners by the age of 17 and was not sure who even gave it to her. She even dated a few men in their mid 20's while she was only 15-17 years old. Now I don't really care about her past "partners", I really don't I swear! What I worry about here is a pattern of for lack of a better term "sexual misconduct" and lies. Frankly my life is going great right now and I love her very much. She wants to move forward and so do I but I can't accept the kind of behavior she has exhibited in her past relationships. She says she is sorry for lying to me and that our relationship is different than her past. Can she have changed so much in a matter of a year? #1 & #2 are what is really killing me. She makes no apologies for her past and says they are what they are. She does apologize for lying to me but says she was afraid I would judge her too quickly if she told me early on. Am I crazy for forgetting about her lies and moving forward with our relationship? Link to post Share on other sites
Haunani Posted September 29, 2004 Share Posted September 29, 2004 IMHO Bomb #1 would be enough to put me over....... if she's had *numerous* affairs, and even a *one night stand* one WEEK before her wedding? And then you ask her if she's ever been unfaithful to you, she said *no* even though she's been *unhappy*........... Sure some people do change, and I guess she was being honest, but sometimes it's better to leave it were it was. In the past. I dunno, if I heard that from my soon-to-be fiance, I'd have 2nd thoughts. What goes around........... Link to post Share on other sites
250r Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Originally posted by Haunani And then you ask her if she's ever been unfaithful to you, she said *no* even though she's been *unhappy*........... Thanks for the response but let me clarify this. She says she is extremely happy with me and has always been. She always tells me I'm the best thing to ever happen to her. In the begining of our relationship when we were discussing her past marraige she said that she never cheated on her husband even though she was unhappy with HIM. Now almost a year later she admitted to me that she cheated on him three times over their three year marraige and once was a week before their actual wedding day. So bassically she lied to me about this for a year because she thought that I would not date her anymore. And truth be told I probably would have stopped seeing her. I hate cheaters and don't want to deal with that stuff in my life. But now its well over a year of dating and living together for over six months and we started to talk about taking the next step in our relationship that she unloads all this hidden info on me. I appreciate her honesty now but I'm really angry at all the lies she has told over the past year making it sound like she was some kind of angel.... Link to post Share on other sites
melina Posted September 30, 2004 Share Posted September 30, 2004 Hi It is a difficult one to answer. Really try to listen to your gut. I mean, I am a very faithful person and believe that there is nothing more beautiful than a loving relationship. But when I was with my last boyfriend I cheated on him numerous times: why? Because he treated me badly and I didn't want to leave. There was something missing in the relationship and I tried to compensate it by making other men falling in love with me and having an affair with them. When I got bored of it I would just call it all off! My point: I have been in a happy relationship for over two years now and am completely(!) faithful! Not one little bit interested in cheating. So, people do change. About her not telling the truth about her past: of course, we don't let our very new boyfriends know everything about us! The important thing is that she told you in the end. I have done that before. When I got to know my current boyfriend and we started out as friends (we both wanted more but didn't admit) he asked me whether I was still sleeping with my ex-boyfriend. I said "no", which wasn't true as I really didn't want to scare him away. As soon as he explained to me that he had fallen in love with me I had absolutely NO interest to sleep with my ex but was 100% faithful! So, as hard as it sounds, listen to your gut! Link to post Share on other sites
250r Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Melina, I'm happy to hear you found tha right person. Your words are comforting that things/people can change in different situations. I hope she has changed. My heart tells me to trust her but my brain tells me not to trust so easily... anyone else? Link to post Share on other sites
katie79 Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 Her STD isn't that bad, that type of disease is cured with antibiotics. That was many years ago, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't be careful. Use a rubber with her...sounds bad, but she does show behavior of not being trustworthy. Gotta be careful. Should you marry her? That's your decision to make. But since you ask other opinions, I wouldn't marry her. To be quite honest, your email conveys a great deal of hesitation and doubt about your trust and confidence in her and the relationship. It's possible she has changed and learned that cheating is not such a great idea from her past marriage failing, BUT (and this is a BIG BUT!), she has already lied to you in this relationship. You have caught her in lies of which she later admits to. She sounds sneaky and manipulative. She didn't even be honest with you for the sake of your well-being just as a human being! Not to come down hard on you, but it sounds to me like she has no respect for you in any way. Is this what you want? Someone who has lied to you about who they were with and when, someone with a past history, and someone who hesistates to tell you the complete truth? Before you buy the ring and pop the big question, pop yourself the big question: Do I want to spend the REST OF MY LIFE with this person? Do I TRUST her? Do I LOVE her? Will her vows be true? Will she go back to her old ways? How has she shown me she has LEARNED from her past mistakes and has CHANGED entirely. Link to post Share on other sites
She's Come Undone Posted October 1, 2004 Share Posted October 1, 2004 I think moving in with someone isn't the healthiest thing to do without getting married. Of course there's many exceptions, like you both agree you don't ever want to get married, etc. Six months after entering this relationship is extremely pre-mature. Second, she ONLY shows remorse for lying to you? This means that she still feels that it wasn't a big deal that she cheated and therefore it won't be a big deal to her if she cheats on you. It sounds like it will devastate you. Are you willing to risk being hurt in that way, knowing that she will most likely not care? I think the fact that you REALIZE that she doesn't show remorse means that you know it's a problem. I think you know what red flags mean, and in this case what they are. Now you just have to ask yourself if, knowing this information, you are willing to deal with the consequences of a relapse on her part. I think only you will be able to answer your questions, we can only tell you what we'd do. I could never be with someone who was admittedly unfaithful in a previous committed relationship. I would NEVER know if they were doing me the same way, and ALWAYS wonder. Best of luck, your heart is in the right place, but don't disregard what your head says. Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatwoman Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 about the cheating she could change if she wanted to, and the lying, well sometimes its pretty hard to tell the truth....... maybe she felt trapped and just couldnt tell you for a while......maybe she was so embarrassed she couldnt tell you ...... my story follows.......... its a really good example i told my boyfriend i was a virgin when we first met ( online), he said he had slept with 3 girls, well 9 months down the road ( when we started officially dating) and were going to meet in person in about 6 months , he confesses he is really a virgin ..... well this was after i had slept with someone else because i was manipulated by my much older cousin that he would not be happy with someone who didnt know what they were doing sexually , well that was great wasent it ..... so i had to tell him , it was scary, horrible, and harder to do then anything ive ever done...... he was not happy, but his lie , caused us problems......that and the fact i was naive and stupid and listened to bad advice....... long story short....... he knows the truth......and we are married ......everything worked out ......but only because we were not technically dating, so i didnt cheat, and he knows his lie contributed to it ..........one way or another........ we were both 21 at the time, so my being a 21 year old virgin and waiting all those years, common sense told him i did it out of being naive and insecure , and his lie so my point is...... you can forgive her lie , if you know she lied for a pure reason ..... if she lied to protect your relationship, or out of being embarrassed, maybe she should have been a little more forthcoming ......but to hold things she done when she was 15 against her is not fair ....... where were her parents.....it all plays in ....... so as far as im concerned u cant judge her about the 15 year old stuff at all .....especially since u openly admit the men she did have sex with her much older then her.......and im sure you can easily see they used and manipulated her..... as my husband says, i may not have told him what i had done upfront when he confessed to being a virgin, i waited for a while ...... too long .... i was just stunned,embarrassed, and shocked beyond belief ... ...but i told him before we married, and i was deep down a honest person ......it came out only because i told him ..... the same with your girlfriend so that shows she is trying ......... i didnt have to tell him, the guy would never run into him ......and it would have been a lifelong secret....... and i didnt want to keep any secret from my husband.....she probably felt the same way ....... realistically your lucky she even told you ......... it shows she has deep feelings for you, to love you so much that she will tell you embarrassing things and confide in you ....... now will she cheat on you? i dont know . but you cant punish her for being truthful ....... if you want out fine but dont continue to be with her and hold anything she told you against her.....your relationship will fail and its not fair and myself having been in the seat of having to tell something horrible to my future husband......... it was not a easy thing to do .....i risked everything to be honest .....i didnt want him to marry me without knowning everything about me , i didnt want to lose him ..but i risked his even marrying me by telling him .....but it was the right thing to do ...... and i was so ****ing scared.....i bet she felt the same way ........... anyways your not alone lol ......... i think if you love this woman, you should try to overlook her past........ you should not however marry her this second........wait a while......give it time .......or at the very least just have a long engagement........ Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 One should always strive to be a trusting person, but that also means that you should trust your gut instincts. Link to post Share on other sites
Matilda Posted October 4, 2004 Share Posted October 4, 2004 First of all, I definitely don't think you should think about getting married right now to this girl. You have way too many misgivings about her. After having said that, I think you basically have 2 choices. The first choice is, stay with her and continue your relationship, and see what happens. I would say if there is no lying or cheating over the next year or so, then it would seem like her previous problems are over. But, I would have a very frank talk with her about your feelings about cheating. I think you should get a better sense of what she really thinks about cheating in general, and what the circumstances were in her marriage that led to the cheating. The second choice is to end the relationship now. It does not sound to me like this is what you want to do, as you have a lot of feelings for this woman. But, if you feel you can't live with her past issues, then it may be better to end things now, rather than continue on, only to have more heartbreak down the road. I worry that if you don't trust her, that it may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you continue on with the relationship, you must feel sure that she is committed to being faithful, and that you are comfortable with moving forward, and letting go of the past. Link to post Share on other sites
DaiseyEyes Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 I think it would be very hard to trust someone who has a history of cheating in relationships. Everything is fine now, but do you really want to worry about where she is and what she's been doing for the rest of your life? She says that she cheated because she was unhappy. Relationships have ups and downs. Will she cheat on you everytime you two get into a fight? I think you need to spend more time with her before you can make this decision. Link to post Share on other sites
250r Posted October 15, 2004 Share Posted October 15, 2004 All good comments, thanks for sharing some outside opinions. Pretty much everything in our relationship is perfect in my mind- better than I've ever experienced with anyone else. Except for her lying to me in #1 & #2 of course. I'm just going to take things a little slower for a few months and not rush into a proposal at the moment. We've been living together for almost 8 months now and its amazing how great she is to be around. I'm still really angry about her lying to me those times though, I hope it goes away sooner than later... Link to post Share on other sites
rtobiejr Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 You know, my mother (who is Jamaican)...would tell me a story about a monkey and a crocodile. The monkey was in the tree on one side of the river, and since it was the rainy season, he was stranded and couldnt get across (and what luscious fruit there was on the other side!). A crocodile swam past under the tree and called to the monkey: "Hey, monkey! Why not let me give you a ride to the other side?!" The monkey responded "No way! You'll eat me!" The crocodile seemed hurt at the very suggestion and said "Why would I do that? You know the river's rising quickly, and if I stop to try to eat you, we'll both drown." So, after much persuasive speech, the monkey got on the crocodile's back. "Hold on," the crocodile instructed the little fuzzy monkey. Finally, they were in sight of the other side of the bank, the crocodile twisted his body, dunking the monkey under water. "Ack!," the monkey exclaimed, sputtering, and surfacing just in time to see the crocodile then opening his jaws wide. "I thought you were my friend!" the monkey wailed, as he was being eaten. "I'm a crocodile," said the toothy beast. "It's my nature." The moral of the story? If you think, based on a person's pattern of behavior, that they are going to prey on you, you're probably right...because it's probably just in their nature! Link to post Share on other sites
crazycatwoman Posted October 22, 2004 Share Posted October 22, 2004 yea what the monkey story said .......lol ....... good story, im printing it off to leave around for my older sister to see.......... she cant get rid of the cheating bum she is with ........ maybe this will get her to see it lol ..... Link to post Share on other sites
NatoPMT Posted October 25, 2004 Share Posted October 25, 2004 Hi 250 As your relationship is good, do as you suggested yourself and wait before committing to her. In the meantime, talk to her about infidelity. Tell her you feel that before a person feels the need to be unfaithful, there are problems with the relationship that build & need to be resolved with communication and understanding on both sides before it gets to the stage where one partner strays. You don’t know what caused her infidelity, it may be that she’s a snap-happy crocodile predating innocent monkeys, but more likely she didn’t express her dissatisfaction in full to her husband, or if she did, they didn’t resolve the issue. Jmargel has a good thread on how to prevent cheating o the infidelity board, have a look at it then discuss the points raised with her. If you don’t see eye to eye on discussing the issues, then put your cat burglar suit on and abseil out of the window commando-stylee. I’m 33, last time I cheated I was 29 and would never ever, ever do it again. People do change but you can do your part in preventing history repeating itself BB Link to post Share on other sites
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