His cold feet became mine

[4givrnt4gtr]

So, I posted recently about how my fiancé told me he wasn't sure he loved me enough. Anyway, through many tears and talks and such, We managed to figure out that the "enough" part was that he wasn't feeling those initial butterflies people do when they first date. However we both agree we have (or had) a very solid relationship, we love spending time together and just truly enjoy each other's company. Reading books and articles, we figure out that we have a companionate type of love, more than a passionate love, which in the long term, behooves us.

 

Long story short we decided to keep going with the wedding plans (this August). However, although things are getting back to normal, I no longer feel the excitement I used to when I think about the wedding and our honeymoon. Before this whole debacle I felt the wedding was like my light at the end of the tunnel, where after crazy amounts of work and studying etc, I would get to have a wonderful party and a great trip with my new husband.

 

I had zero doubts about our marriage. I was so sure of us.

 

Now, I don't know.

 

Now it all seems sort of lackluster. I guess I used to feel like my relationship and our marriage were sort of fairy tale like. It all seemed so perfect. We hardly had any serious problems (just one big fight in two years of dating), and we agree in big life choices. However, now that I know that he doubted wanting to marry me, I don't know how I feel about marrying him. I am afraid he may be settling (although he swears up and down that he isn't), or that he is marrying me for the wrong reasons, like being afraid to start from scratch (he mentioned during our counseling that he panicked at the thought of throwing everything away and to have to start from scratch). I brought it up to him last night and he once again assured me that he isn't marrying me because he is afraid of being alone, that these past two years have been the best of his life and doesn't want to lose that.

 

I wish I could believe him, I wish I could just trust him, but I just can't , at least right now.

 

Every time I think about the wedding or even hear anything about weddings, I want to change topics or distract myself with something else.

 

Mostly, I am really really sad I lost that joy I had before he dropped that bomb on me. That hopefulness and illusion.

 

Now, its all just so....blah.

 

When I think about whether I want to postpone the wedding again my first reaction is "NO". I want to marry him....but mostly I want to feel happy and safe again, I want to be able to trust him again. I am hoping this blah feeling goes away soon. I know I want to marry him (if he actually loves me, as he says he does), but I don't know how I can ensure that this is the case.

 

Advice?

[ja123]

((((( Hugs )))))

 

 

I'd be feeling the exact same way you are.

 

 

I'd say he needs to read this post of yours, and whisk you away somewhere romantic perhaps to be wed, with a big celebration upon your return. Otherwise, I'm not sure how you're going to get 'that' feeling back about the actual day itself without having a bit of bitterness and sadness.

 

 

IMO, such 'cold feet' discussions ought to be with an individual counselor.

 

 

I knew some people where she told him that she had cold feet because he was her best friend and she was looking for emotional support. To which he told her she'd have to talk to someone else because he couldn't offer the support she needed for that issue, as it made him feel sad and insecure.

 

 

 

They worked it out, got married, have their good days and bad days, but are overall very happy.

 

Did you address how you were feeling in therapy? With or without him? And what was said?

[d0nnivain]

It's not supposed to be a fairy tale. It's supposed to be rock solid.

 

Get some pre-marital counseling if it's not already scheduled. Talk about what happened.

 

You have to fix this BEFORE you get married.