Erica S. Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 I am getting married in a few months. We met in HS many years ago and dated for quite a while, broke up and got back together again many times. I love him deeply and cannot see my life without him. About 6 yrs. ago I met someone else and fell very hard for this person. We had a very passionate, close, loving relationship, but it seemed to be a case of bad timing. He was older than me and I was still pretty immature in a lot of ways. We ended up breaking up but remained friends. He began dating someone else eventually as did I, but we remained in each others' lives to this day. A few years ago, shortly after our official "break up" we started seeing each other in secret. We weren't sure where it would go, if anywhere, we just loved being in each others' company. It started out as once a month, then became weekly, sometimes a few times weekly. Here we are three yrs. later, still in a relationship together, but also in one with other people. When I became engaged, he seemed upset and disappointed, and pretty confused, as to how I could get married when things with us were so amazing. I was/am confused myself. I love the man I am marrying, but do not feel the same depth of feelings I feel for the other person. They are two, totally different kinds of relationships, and both bring different elements of happy. He feels the same way about his girlfriend--he is happy, but not truly the happiest he could be. Neither one of us could bear to hurt our girlfriend/boyfriend, so we stayed, thinking things would work themselves out, even though we are not fully connected to our significant others. I have tried to distance myself from him, forget about him however I could...but I feel it's impossible. I think about him all the time. He calls me a lot and we still see each other. We tell each other we cannot see us NOT being together, and fantasize about how it could be, and then reality sets in, we come back to earth, and contemplate how else we could handle this. The thought of never being together again makes both of us sad. My wedding is coming up soon, most of the plans are set and, while I've said alll I did about my "ex," I feel good about the person I am committing myself to. I just wonder if I will ever stop loving my old boyfriend. I don't know how to. I feel we have a connection too strong to break. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 We tell each other we cannot see us NOT being together, and fantasize about how it could be, and then reality sets in, we come back to earth, and contemplate how else we could handle this. The thought of never being together again makes both of us sad. I'm really confused as to why it is not an option for the two of you to be together. Wait--is someone holding a gun to your head to get married? Is someone holding a knife to his throat forcing him to stay with his girlfriend? You don't say in your post why this has been "secret" for so long. I'm just not following. You've basically been cheating on your fiance for God knows how long. In my view, that is no way to start a marriage. How would you feel if he was carrying on like this? What if he ever finds out? I think you should take the high road and cancel the wedding. You obviously aren't going to be happy if you get married. If you do decide to go through with it, you owe it to your husband to cut off ALL contact with your ex. Block him from calling, e-mailing, etc., and focus on your husband. Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 Yes, remember there needs to be ONE man in your life. Figure out which one that is going to be and let the other one go. Life is too short to spend it with someone whom you don't want to be with or with someone whom doesn't want to be with you. Link to post Share on other sites
NEONINK Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 Call the wedding off! Your fiance deserves better. How do you live with the guilt? Or do you even have any? If not, you definitely aren't ready to be married. In fact, you might not be the marrying kind..... Link to post Share on other sites
RogueK Posted July 25, 2003 Share Posted July 25, 2003 God help anyone who is getting married and planning a future with the women/man they love while that other person is not only untrue but is also DATING someone on the side. You wonder if anyone TRULY EVER loves the person they're with anymore. It just seems like people still throw the "love" word around without truly understanding what it means to love someone. I suppose you love your friends also but does that mean you treat them like **** too? You're family? It's time for some people to stop and think exactly what it is they are feeling, then GOD HELP US ALL!! be honest and tell the "other" person what you truly feel. Loving someone means NOT only thinking of yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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