Sunneybear Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 I am so unhappy but I know that I am stupid to stay in a situation like this. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. In those years, I have compled both a bachlor's degree and a master's degree. He failed out of college because he spent most of his time drinking and party until the wee hours of the night. The school kicked him out. He refused to work extra to try to bring his grades up in order to attend a community college. He refused as a matter of fact to work at all. He has cheated, lied about a child, and who knows what else. He is abusive in many ways but mostly emotional. He is very selfish and only cares about himself. If I have a problem he can not be there for me emotionally, finacially, or physically. I am so stupid to stay but the fear of being alone is great. I have expressed over the years my unhappiness but he refused to go to counseling. Just this past Monday, he agreed to go to counseling but I am now feeling like it is useless. I am a beautiful, intelligent woman who loves life. (Even though the stress caused me to go from a slim 110 to a depressed 170) Why am I thinking that this man will marry me and do right by me after nine years? Does it really have to do with how you are treated during childhood? Wow! He makes 18,000 a year.....has no car (he drives mine). I have given him a lot of money. Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 ouch! I'm puzzled by the fact you stayed with him through all that crap, although it seems you're just as puzzled by it. My guess is that YOU, not the two of you, need counseling, to find out why on earth you've stayed with him for this long, and to help you get away from him & find a real partner to share your life with. But still... why exactly do you stay with him? what keeps you from moving out? You'd clearly be OK on your own... Oh, and please don't marry him!! best of luck! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 Pick yourself up by the bootstraps, loose the weight you have gained due to your unhappiness and depression, and find yourself a guy who is decent....or perhaps only half the a**h*** you are with now. If you don't ditch this dude soon, I will dedicate my life to finding him and ditch him for you. You are wasting some important years of your life with one of the top 25 losers of the planet. I'm so glad you came here...but I truly hope you will get the energy and the motivation to move yourself out of the rut of your life. I'm sure you have stayed because you thought every day that tomorrow it would be better. But don't you think if that hasn't happened by now, it's not going to. Remember Eisteins definition of insanity: Doing the same thing repeatedly but expecting a different result. Please, take action as soon as possible and if you don't think you can do it alone get all the help you need. Link to post Share on other sites
Gigi Posted July 9, 2003 Share Posted July 9, 2003 FIRST OF ALL YOU ARE SMART, FOCUS, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT PLEASE LET HIM GO. I BELIEVE ALL THINGS HAPPEN FOR A REASON AND NOW HE IS JUST WASTING YOUR TIME BECAUSE YOU SHOULD USE THIS AS A LEARNING EXPERIENCE. YOU TWO ARE NOT ON THE SAME PLAIN . BY THE LETTER YOU SAID HE IS NOT SMART, AMBITIOUS, NO LONG TERM GOALS ....PLEASE DUMP Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted July 10, 2003 Share Posted July 10, 2003 Education and degrees do not make any difference. Intellect seldom reflects emotions, or vice versa. It sounds like you are enabling him, perhaps this is a codependent issue on your side. Look up codependency on the Internet. Why are you really afraid to leave him? After 9 years you are in a comfort zone - not all comfort zones are happy or healthy -- they are just familiar, you know what to expect. He might change someday - but not if you continue to support him and enable him to continue this lifestyle. I agree that you would probably benefit from some counseling - someone outside of the situation that can listen to you, listen to specifics about your life and help you see what you have not been able to see, and make some decisions for yourself that are not guided by codependency, or comfort, or anxiety, or even love. The old saying that "Love is enough" is an incomplete statement. Sometimes the love that is enough, is the love that can let go. He might benefit very much from being forced to do things on his own too. It sounds like he has not grown as a person at all, and why should he? He doesn't need to because you are his comfort zone and he knows you will always be there for him. Once you are gone he may be forced to grow up and make something of himself. In that respect, you would be showing him the greatest love of all -- even though neither of you might see it as that right now. Think about what you have learned about yourself, and about what you want and what you need from a relationship and take that with you as you move forward in your life. Link to post Share on other sites
2ndwivesclub Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 You have just described almost every relationship I've entered into. Take this from someone who knows, you must do some things to not only save your sanity but your whole self(worth, esteem, image, etc). First, take a deep breath. O.K. now make sure you've got a place to live/stay until you regain what you've spent on your bf. I highly recommend an emergency cash stash; preferably at the bank so snoopy fingers won't find it. If the utilities are in his name, great! If not, make arrangements to switch them asap. Do all of this, or at least as much as you can as soon as you can. If you're thinking of leaving, ask a friend you can trust or a relative to let you store some stuff there for a little while. This way, if he asks why you're packing up stuff, you could just say you're giving it to charity or something. Now for the hard part: take another deep breath, tell yourself that you can do this because you can and either tell him that you're leaving or tell him to leave and not let the door hit him in the a$$ on the way out. It's hard, but trust me on this it is sooo much better than the alternative. I know I'm not there, but what I do know is that chances are it will get worse. I've been there a couple of times. Last time I even made it down the aisle. Don't ask me why, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. You are a smart woman who's got her poop in a group. You're also a caring person. I'm not trying to sound mean or preach, I just want you to feel good about yourself and not have to drag a lying, cheating deadbeat along for the ride. You deserve better. Every time you look in the mirror, tell yourself that. You can't lie to yourself. I know, I've tried. Link to post Share on other sites
turtle Posted July 15, 2003 Share Posted July 15, 2003 Cut the guy off. Why would you let such a guy drive your car and mooch off you? You'd be happier as a single gal out hitting the bars and clubs. You WILL find somebody else if you leave him. I can guarentee that there are other guys who would date you and treat you right - don't settle. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted July 16, 2003 Share Posted July 16, 2003 Originally posted by turtle I can guarentee that there are other guys who would date you and treat you right - don't settle. No doubt. Either kick him to the curb or find a new place for yourself but GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE! He's a loser! Link to post Share on other sites
Mwende Posted August 1, 2003 Share Posted August 1, 2003 The counseling idea is great, but before anyone can help you, you must accept what we all already know -- you deserve help, you deserve to be loved, you deserve to love yourself. The old Ann Landers test -- are you better off with him or without him? I'm having a real tough time coming up with a post-guy horror story life that would justify your staying with him. How on Earth could things get worse for you if he wasn't around? I know. It's horrible to go from couple to single. My fiance broke off our engagement last week, so really, I know. But don't you also know that it'd be worse to have to make that transition after yet another sad year spent waiting for him (and probably adding on another 10 pounds)? Or two years? When does it end? You came to this site and asked for help. Your smart, and you knew exactly what response you would get before you even began typing. This is probably a decision you're going to make many many times before you actually act on it. There is a wonderful life waiting for you on the other side of this dark cave, and sooner or later, you're going to take the chance and seek it out. In the meantime, be kind to yourself. Yes, you're making a big mistake, as you say. You know this. You're an intelligent woman acting in an un-intelligent manner. Okay. So you know these things. Stop beating yourself up and fix it. Stop beating yourself up and fix it. Stop. Fix it. Good luck, honey. Let me know. Mwende Link to post Share on other sites
Author Sunneybear Posted August 1, 2003 Author Share Posted August 1, 2003 Hi everyone.....I just got a 1 br. apartment and immediately I feel free. I also joined pulse gym and place on working with a personal trainer to better my body. I am already getting hollas... but believe me it will be a while before I holla back. That for telling me what I already knew. Link to post Share on other sites
Mwende Posted August 1, 2003 Share Posted August 1, 2003 Congratulations -- you won't look back. (And you do know the loss is his, right?) Just remember the mantra -- if it doesn't come out straight, it comes out sideways. Make sure it comes out straight. Keep in touch. We're still here. Mwende Link to post Share on other sites
noelle Posted August 6, 2003 Share Posted August 6, 2003 To have wasted 9 years in this relationship is scary. You need to seek counseling because obviously you have not recognized the fact that you deserve better. The reason you have stayed is for reasons of insecurity and low self esteem, you do not believe on every level that you can do better. And if temporarily being alone is daunting than your insecurity issues are worse than you think. It's ok to be alone and you should for a time to figure out what youre doing with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
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