Love and Money

[Aroogy]

Hi everyone

I'm new here and have posted on another board, but I'm in need a fresh perspective, although I probably already know in my head what I should do. I'll try to be brief:

 

My boyfriend and I (we are both 30) have been together for exactly a year, and have been inseparable best friends for a year and a half. I feel very lucky... how often do people fall in love with their best friend, right?

 

Well, needless to say, a few months ago we began talking about engagement, moving in together (which he knows I wouldn't do before engagement), names for the kids we'll have together, all that good stuff. Well, one day a little over a month ago, I knew I should probably tell him about my student loan debt (it is extremely high, but I have a Master's degree and one year at the doctoral level). He is from another country, though, and this type of debt (actually any type of debt) is foreign to him. Needless to say, and for lack of a better word, he freaked out. Completely panicked. Wanted two weeks to absorb and so on. That was a few weeks ago and we see each other again, but there is strain because he feels that I should ask every single one of my relatives for money to pay off my debt.

 

Some of you may have school debt and probably understand that this is just a fact of life here and understand the responsibility to pay it off over 15 20 25 years. We borrowed it for education, and promised to repay it.

 

However, he has not been understanding at all. He seems to think there is something I can do (Me, MYSELF) to make my debt magically disappear. I have been beating around the bush saying things like "Well, maybe this, maybe that" but I know that it is just to buy time and hope he'll come around.

 

I now know that I need to be firm with him. We are, like I said, 30 years old. In a case like this, is an ultimatum ok? I have never given anyone an ultimatum, but I am hurting here, in limbo. I am miserable. I cried for 3 weeks and stopped out of exhaustion. In the first week, I lost 10 lbs (not good... I am 5 feet tall) and so on.

 

I know without a doubt that he loves me, but it feels conditional now.

 

Your advice would be really appreciated.

 

Thanks to everyone!

[Bill]

He either accepts it and tries to help you, or he can leave. If he wants to be with you, he has to accept all of the things that come with you.

[Tony T]

This not being in debt thing is probably very deeply embedded in his family and cultural background and it's not going to change with any ultimatum...or time. It will be a thorn in the relationship until it's paid off.

 

I'm for going ahead and giving him an ultimatum but don't expect any magic. Even if he promises to forget it, he won't. And just wait until he tells his family. Don't expect them to be love and kisses towards you. There are some cultures that are just very weird about certain things.

 

It could be that he has the idea that if he marries you, he will be obligated for this debt. Make him clear on that when you talk.

 

I'm just afraid there is nothing at all you can do short of getting a windfall and paying this off that's going to reverse the damage. But it's excellent that you have found this out now. There are probably other things about his culture you're not aware of so you ought to read up on it.

 

If life with him is going to be miserable from here on out, you don't need him or his crap. Call the INS and have him deported if things don't get better (lol).

[yes]

In some cultures, debt is viewed as BAAAAD. I, for example, would never borrow more than $50 at time. The thought of living in a house before having paid for it (with mortgage) doesn't sound too good to me, - i'd rather rent (I may get over this is my future husband insists).

 

Anyway - I think it'll help for him to realize that this is a cultural diff-ce, that thousands of Americans get their education this way (show him some stats!), and that paying it off at a slow rate will not put you in a permanent financial crisis.

 

Moreover, explain that in this country, people don't really beg their relatives for money...

 

best of luck!

cultural differences are tough but doable, i believe.

 

-yes

[Aroogy]

Hi all

Thanks for your replies. Let me clarify the culture thing without getting to specific (to the point of being identified!)

 

We are of the same family background. Our parents are from the same country, and in fact many of our family members knew each other before we even knew we existed. The only difference is that I grew up in the US and he didn't.

 

Anyway, I have explained all of that to him... the fact that it's not credit card debt from shoe shopping. It's for my education. Again, no apologies from me. He's not getting a dummy. To him though, debt is debt, no matter where it comes from.

 

Lately, HE has even pointed out recent articles on school loans and stats, so maybe it's sinking in, but I know this is a problem. The ultimatum is more for me. I have been in limbo for a month. The debt stays where it is and all I have PROMISED has been my every effort to do as well as I can in life, with or without him. I now need to know only this: is he with me or isn't he? There can be no in between. I stand firm on that.

 

If anyone disagrees, please let me know what your thinking is on this.

 

Thanks again!

[quankanne]

maybe it'd help if you explain that in your culture, a college loan isn't considered as much a debt as it is an investment, as in more education = better paying career, hence it's acceptable to invest in that education, even if it means letting someone loan you the money for it.

 

my husband squawked about my Sallie Mae loan when we got married, but I told him that they were one of the few debtors I didn't mind giving money to, because they helped me realize my goal of getting a college degree when my family was able to only contribute so much. This might not solve your situation, but maybe he will understand it in terms of economic pay-off.

[Aroogy]

Thanks

Yeah, I've been saying all of that, but I'll say it one more time... hence the ultimatum (again, without using that word).

[moimeme]

Why don't you have him speak to someone in authority - perhaps someone of the same nationality who works in a bank or investment firm. After all, you are just a woman and you'd say that anyway to try to change him. He may need to hear it from somebody he would respect and consider an authority that the way of life and customs regarding money in North America are different and that you are living according to an accepted practice here. He is unlikely to change if 'only' you tell him, I'm afraid.