Hints about marriage

[pinkroses]

I have been living with my boyfriend for six months. I'm 37 and he's 41, so we're not kids. As a matter of fact, he's already a grandfather. At the time we got together he admitted he was looking for someone to spend the rest of his life with and wanted to be married again. I said I did too. He was married ten years, then divorced, then lived with someone for five years, then just had a couple of one year, dating only type relationships before he met me. I was married five years, divorced, and have been alone, with no real significant relationship in six years. Before we moved in together the subject of marriage came up from a third party and later we discussed it in private and he said he'd thought of it, but at the time it seemed too soon, and I agreed. Well, over the course of our 15 month relationship little things have popped up about marriage or being together in the future, from him. We had a couple of really bad arguments with a lot of hurt feelings, and then he expressed some doubts about our future together. Still, comments tend to pop up from him implying we will be together. He tends to leave it up to me, if I want to be with him as he is. He's been on his own a really long time and is very independent and set in his ways.

 

When we first rented our house he introduced me to the landlady as his fiance. Now, six months and a few arguments later, I'm not sure where I stand. We have no friends here nor do we get out socially. We're talking about moving back to OK in a couple of months because he hasn't been able to find a job where we are. We'll have to live apart for a short time with family until we both get jobs and can afford to get a place to live. He says we wants to be with me and loves me dearly, but I don't see any progression in our relationship or in the commitment, other than the fact that we are exclusive and we do behave as a married couple. We touch on the subject now and then about the future, but I don't feel comfortable coming right out and throwing down a bottom line or an ultimatum yet. I'm thinking after we move back to OK, motives will reveal themselves. I'm hoping the subject of the future might be back-burnered due to his lack of employment right now, and a terrible financial situation for both of us, and not because he has grown to care less for me. I have areas of contention with him too, but for the most part we get along splendidly and we do love each other, even though we get hurt or angry or don't always understand each other. He's very closed with his emotions but I hear from others things he says about me that are very special.

 

I guess I just needed to share my situation to see if anyone had any insight. I'm not the confrontational type, and I would never propose to a man. He's traditional too, that way, I know he would never expect that. I'd like to see marriage in our future, if it's meant to be. At this point in our lives, we're both kind of scarred from past hurts and have lost a lot of faith in love and dreams. He's diabetic and has chronic insomnia too, and we both have depression, so health concerns coupled with money problems are making life very difficult for us.

[Tony T]

The guy is a diabetic, a chronic insomniac, suffers from depression and is out of work. That isn't exactly the stuff of a Romeo romantic. Give the guy a fricken break!!!

 

First of all, without any of the other problems, people can't be themselves without a good night's sleep. Add on everything else he suffers and you have a nuclear war.

 

Men who don't have jobs and are worried about making ends meet will never, ever be a pleasure to be around. If you can't be understanding, or at least insightful, during these very trying times maybe you ought to go find a man without so many pressing issues.

 

If you want things to change, be supportive of this man. Show understanding. Help him get treatment for the insomnia. Chances are good that is being caused by the depression. Get him to a doctor and work this out. If you don't have insurance or money, find a free clinic. If he's been to a doctor, have him find a different and better doctor.

 

This man is in no mental or emotional state right now to even have a long talk with. Once some of this is cleared up, you can address the relationship. Right now, if you can't be around him with the problems he has, leave him. He's better off by himself. I'd bet my life he's trying to make life as good for you as he possibly can despite the fact that he feels like total crap 24/7.

 

Normally, I'm for couples having talks. But, as I said, this man is in no state to be working things out with you when he doesn't have his own stuff together. If you really love him, go seek professional help for him and all of you, together, get him back on the road to recovery.

 

Hint: When he gets a job and doesn't have to worry so much about money, his depression and insomnia will probaby significantly diminish. He may be mentally drained and disheartened and that may be why he's having trouble finding a job. Employers don't like to see people walk in who look like they haven't slept in days. Move to a town that has lots of work he can do and get him employed. It'll be magic how things will improve for the both of you.

 

Meanwhile, be nice!!!

[clia]

I think if things are not progressing how you want them to, you need to seriously consider how long you are willing to wait around to see if he takes action. Put yourself on a timeline--you don't necessarily need to share it with him. Time goes by fast! I doubt you want to still be in this same place two years from now. Time is too precious to waste with someone who has no intention of ever moving things forward.

 

True, he may be in a bad emotional state right now with the depression, lack of job, and insomnia, but you were not put on this earth to nurse him back to health. You are not his therapist. It's sad that he's in that position, but you are not married to him, so it is not your problem. Sorry if I sound harsh, but everyone I've ever met has been hurt in some way or has gone through spells where they aren't at 100%. That's life. It's his problem, not yours. Is he taking any steps to get himself out of his situation?

 

Don't make excuses for him. Either he wants to marry you or he doesn't. Even if he doesn't, he might be perfectly happy to hang out with you and live with you for the next ten years. There can always be some seemingly rational reason for why he doesn't want to move things forward, whether it be health, money, or whatever. Things are never perfect, and timing is never perfect. The big, bad outside world is always there influencing things that go on in our lives. Either he makes the decision to take those things on with you by his side, or without you.

 

Good luck to you.

[pinkroses]

Tony, I have been as patient and understanding and tolerant as a saint with my boyfriend. Trust me, he's not an easy man to live with and he admits it. I overlook a lot just to stay in a loving frame of mind. I have even offered to help finance a doctor visit for him but he won't let me. Some women would have left him by now but I am committed to working through this with him, through the good and the bad times. I don't know where I gave the impression I'm pushing him for talks or expecting a lot. I just wonder where the relationship is going is all. I know he's got a lot to contend with in his own life, and I'm there for him.

[pinkroses]

Your comments are brilliant. I tend to think the same way, that these are his decisions, and his problems. I'm being the best partner I can be, he needs to do his part too.

[Tony T]

YOU WRITE: "I just wonder where the relationship is going is all. I know he's got a lot to contend with in his own life, and I'm there for him.

 

The relationship is going absolutely nowhere. I re-read your original post...and your second post above. I am extremely confused as to what you want from this board.

 

If you are the loving, caring patient lady you say you are and he's not responding in-kind by making himself better...get away from him. But don't complain about his state of mind. He's all wacked out right now.

 

I'd say you'd be a whole lot happier with somebody else. But if you think you're getting a morsel of something you want from this guy, go for it. Whatever your gut tells you to do.

[Debster]

Think about it. You too have been flinging the topic of marriage around. Well, to me being married is a HUGE commitment through both good times and bad.

 

This guy is right now going through the bad times. And instead of being supportive, you're thinking about yourself and what you're getting out of it.

 

If you can't be supportive through the bad to this guy, than DON'T even consider marrying him. You'll make the two of you very unhappy.

[pinkroses]

are you people getting the impression I'm not being supportive? I guess I left that very important part out.

 

I was just feeling sentimental and somewhat disappointed that things weren't going better for us. I'm not just thinking of myself. I also don't think anyone can say a relationship is doomed just from information they get on a message board.

 

I should have kept this to myself. Thanks anyway for the replies.

[Debster]

I guess you don't. I guess you just wanted someone to tell you that everything is alright and that this is a spectacular relationship and dang.... aren't you a wonderful person.

 

As for where we are getting the impression you are not supportive, I'd re-read what you wrote. Tell me if you can feel the love and support. Sorry, I can't.

 

Sometimes the advice you get from posts isn't what you want to hear (that happened to me) but sometimes it's what you NEED to hear.

 

By the way, everything is alright and that this is a spectacular relationship and dang.... aren't you a wonderful person!

 

Happy?

[pinkroses]

for sarcasm. I simply realized my post was on the ambiguous side, and I probably should have kept the rambling I was doing to myself. I feel that I may have misrepresented myself and the reality of my situation due to the responses I got.

 

Some people are genuinely hurting when they come to these forums to post their problems and questions. It's really difficult to deal with when insult is added to injury.