Slept with my friend, don't know

[planb1973]

I met this woman 5 years ago through OLD. She is incredibly beautiful, travels the world, really a unique person. Back when we met I tried putting the moves on her but was met with a stone wall and simply friended her. She has been a good friend over the years, has met my friends and family even girlfriends I have had over the years.

 

Over this last year her communication with me has increased and I have been getting this feeling she is trying to boyfriend me.

 

But. And this is a big one. She has never in her 45 years ever mentioned having a BF. I even asked a close friend of hers if she had and they said in the 20 years they had known her she has not. And I know there is some sever trauma from her past. One from her super strict almost cult like religious upbringing, and the really big one being raped at gunpoint 12 years ago.

 

So I have always kept her safe in the friend zone. At the same time have always found her very attractive and been curious as to her lack of intimate relationships.

 

Then a couple weeks ago we were at a wedding. I was her plus 1. It was a weekend at the beach and well we ended up sleeping together. Something I never thought we would do. Frankly minus the rape incident had questioned if she was a 40 year old virgin.

 

Now I am even more confused about her. The sex was surprisingly good. But getting her to open up is like pulling teeth. The next day after trying in vane to get her to open up she tells me that she has major anxiety about relationships. Thats obvious. And when I try to kiss her the hesitation or timidness is huge.

 

But everyday I get good morning text from her. On the other hand she simply will not talk about relationships. I think about what a relationship would be like with her but her barriers from past trauma are big, but I wonder what is on the other side. She says she trusts me a lot, its taken her 5 years to get to this point.

 

Anyway I don't know what to do. I have never slept with a friend that I have had for so long.

[Flame Aura]

Well the obvious question is what do you want from her? A relationship or just stay friends while you meet someone else?

[preraph]

Well, she has such big problems and they're not going to just go away, so you'd been better off never having sex with her and never trying to kiss her again. You can just tell her, I don't want to jeopardize our friendship and it's clear you're not comfortable with that type of relationship.

 

Realize that she's likely under all kinds of internal and external pressure to lead a more normal life and is trying, but also realize her problems are such that if she hasn't worked them out by her age, it's not at all likely.

[schlumpy]

Did she initiate the sex or did you?

[planb1973]

Well she did kiss me first. And followed by saying "Is it weird that it took me 5 years to want to kiss you?" But I would have to admit I initiated the sex.

 

I have felt her getting closer for quite some time.

 

I feel bad though in that I don't want to reject her. I can not imagine what it must be like to have gone through what she has. It has taken her 4 years to tell me about it. The last thing I want is for her to close up after trusting someone finally.

 

My therapist was shocked when I told her what happened. She advised me to wait and see if she initiates a relationship conversation. Till then continue to hang out as normal.

 

What I want from her I am not sure. There are so many aspects of her I really like, but the anxiety around relationships is too much for me to handle.

[ajequals]

If you feel she's worth the time give it too her ..She clearly feels she can trust you so..

[rainbow12]

Well she did kiss me first. And followed by saying "Is it weird that it took me 5 years to want to kiss you?" But I would have to admit I initiated the sex.

 

I have felt her getting closer for quite some time.

 

I feel bad though in that I don't want to reject her. I can not imagine what it must be like to have gone through what she has. It has taken her 4 years to tell me about it. The last thing I want is for her to close up after trusting someone finally.

 

My therapist was shocked when I told her what happened. She advised me to wait and see if she initiates a relationship conversation. Till then continue to hang out as normal.

 

What I want from her I am not sure. There are so many aspects of her I really like, but the anxiety around relationships is too much for me to handle.

 

 

 

I don't think she's ever fully ready for a relationship, I mean it took her 5 years to kiss you that's not right. I suppose this women you are being with is a older lady? because you said ''she's never mention she had a boyfriend in her 45 years'' She should of moved on by now of being raped 12 years ago by a gun point. She would of established she needs help and she would of got it. I'm not saying she will forget her experience but she wouldn't have a emotional baggage like this. You will try so hard to walk on egg shells with her to try and do the right thing, that's not how a proper relationship should work. You may like many parts of her of how she is and that but she will not be comfortable forming any sexual relationship with you. She even felt pressured to have sex with you that's why she paused when you tried to kiss her.

 

She's not ready and you have been patient with her for 5 years and thats enough. I think you should not have sex with her anymore. She too much hard work to wait for this to develop into something more. She's never going to be ready, she has issues. I think all this ever was in the first place was just a friend thing and nothing will come out of it. So the sex of you initiating it and her kissing you first will not change anything. You need to keep your options open. If you're not ready to date again because of her then wait a little and feel ready to start dating. This is a woman who feels hard done by of everything even a little kiss.

 

Can you honestly say you're completely happy staying with her? If she did say she's ready she might resent the relationship and think about her trauma past, what kind of life is that for you? You need to think about yourself OP. This women needs professional help and she's not getting it from you.

Edited August 17, 2019 by rainbow12

[spiritedaway2003]

I'm not sure what exactly is bothering you.

 

- Are you not at all interested in her? (It sounds like you are, or at least at one point)

- Do you have a hangup over her lack of relationship experience? (Should it? She slept with you and you said it was good...)

- Are you worried about how her past trauma will impact your current relationship? (Maybe she's moved on from the past already; she's just cautious).

- Are you concern about how hesitant she is with just kissing you and what that means for the future?

- Is she someone you still want to get to know better, in a relationship sense? Do you have romantic feelings for her or did you just wanted sex or FWB?

 

Depending on how honest you are with those questions, you can figure out what it is that you want.

 

Good luck.

[OldRover]

planb1973,

 

 

Take it a day at a time. Sounds like you're pretty good friend, but not overly emotional about it, so enjoy it for what it is. She may open up over time.

 

 

Spend time with her. Make her feel wanted and special, and keep that trusting relationship. Have more sex and tell her you really like it. Give her good back rubs and such and make her feel relaxed.

 

 

 

If she opens up (and I'll bet she will), great. And if she doesn't, really sounds like you two get along fine and life goes on.

[emeraldgreen]

I'm glad you got to experience that with her, but I don't think she's functional enough for a relationship.

[crispytoast]

She should of moved on by now of being raped 12 years ago by a gun point. She would of established she needs help and she would of got it.

What? Being held at gunpoint and being raped are two of the most traumatizing things that can happen to a person, up there with seeing your partner/close friend/family member get murdered. And they happened to her at the same time. That's not something you can truly ever expect someone to get over.

[BeJimmiePorce]

hi thanks for your post

you sound like a really patient person ...

its good she has a friend in you

im not sure if you can call it a relationship unless she does so

she might be too damaged at the moment to really know that

 

so if you want to continue with this

it needs to be unconditional on whether she is in a relationship with you

especially if she is doing stuff for money ...

 

she might not know what she really wants

so all you can do is be there for her as a friend

and also be careful to look after yourself that you dont get dragged down

that you dont lose other aspects of your life like giving up your own friends and stuff

 

x x x

[Lotsgoingon]

You're confusing things.

 

It's NOT your job to play social worker. And in fact, if you want to stay distant from her ... and you're thinking that hiding that or lying around that ... would help her. You're completely wrong.

 

What she needs and we all need is someone who speaks truth to her and doesn't manipulate her ... even supposedly to avoid "hurting" her.

 

You don't really know this woman's views. She's likely to be quite relieved if you're not interested in going any further with her. Tell her the truth. Don't confuse violence or emotional manipulation with disappointment. Disappointment can be clear and clean. You know what happened. You don't question your sanity. You don't feel used and lied to.

 

Just tell her the truth about your feelings ... whatever they are.

 

And just so you know, it's REALLY hard to hide real feelings ... as in hide disinterest ... or lack of attraction ... or fear. We can mouth words to try to hide our real feelings, but communication is about body language and energy and tone of voice and so many other things than mere words.

 

What would be confusing to someone like her (to us all frankly) is when the words do not match the body language and deeds and energy. That's what drives people mad.

 

You have the right to not want to date her. There is nothing cruel about that.

[fromheart]

Two things.

 

This isn't the first time she's done this.

She'll be very difficult in a relationship.

 

It's really up to you, by why swim uphill when another women would be far easier...

[planb1973]

To be clear I am not sitting around waiting for her. I do contemplate what a relationship with her would be like. There are many things about her I adore. But No she is not relationship material and I know this.

 

We had dinner the other night. Found out is has been 13 years since she had sex. She expressed that she wanted more, that 5 years ago she could not even enjoy a man touching her. That is the same time I met her and remember putting my hand on her knee and she froze up.

 

She told me she thought she would hurt me, that she would get scared and run, or just shut down. I told her I was not looking for a relationship here so there was no way she would hurt me. I do think she has, after so very long, trusted someone, me, and wants to explore her sexuality.

[preraph]

Is she still in therapy? I hope so. She may need adjustment time to digest what went on between you and decide how she feels about it, weighing the good feelings with the bad. It's too bad she won't talk to you about it.