Would you carry on seeing a friend after they friendzoned you?

[HumanMachine]

Friend is a weird description, every few weeks we will go for drinks then not talk until the next meeting. We get on well but she's not someone I could talk to every day.

 

Last time I saw her I told her that I find her attractive, I was shot down. Oh well, life goes on.

 

Anyway we agreed to go for drinks next week, should I cancel or just carry on going? I'm a chilled guy, nothing will change on my part, but id rather not waste time and money on someone who I find attractive who doesn't feel the same way about me. I also don't want to come across as bitter....

[d0nnivain]

Maybe.

 

If I developed a crush on a friend & they weren't interested I needed some space. After a few months I could usually check my feelings & be OK with no romance because by then I'd emotionally moved on. But while I was still longing, no I didn't spend time with the person because it was too painful to not have what I wanted.

[Michelle ma Belle]

If your intention is to try and woo her or change her mind, then don't bother.

 

If you're going for drinks without any expectations and content enough with being friends and nothing more, sure.

[HumanMachine]

Maybe.

 

If I developed a crush on a friend & they weren't interested I needed some space. After a few months I could usually check my feelings & be OK with no romance because by then I'd emotionally moved on. But while I was still longing, no I didn't spend time with the person because it was too painful to not have what I wanted.

 

If your intention is to try and woo her or change her mind, then don't bother.

 

If you're going for drinks without any expectations and content enough with being friends and nothing more, sure.

 

Thank you both. I think I'll go to these drinks but then decline any further meetings. I won't be any different - no chance of me chasing her.

[elaine567]

She saw you as a friend, she continues to see you as a friend, but you were not seeing her as a friend, you were a false friend. You saw her as dating material and now she told you she is not interested in you in that way, you don't want to see her any more...

She doesn't need "friends" like you.

[HumanMachine]

She saw you as a friend, she continues to see you as a friend, but you were not seeing her as a friend, you were a false friend. You saw her as dating material and now she told you she is not interested in you in that way, you don't want to see her any more...

She doesn't need "friends" like you.

 

Woah, chill out. We are a couple of people who enjoy each others company for a couple of hours. I wouldn't class her as a proper friend.

[Curiousroxy86]

I wouldnt. I would ignore cold turkey. I dont believe in friend zones. I think the only circumstance where one should allow themselves to be friend zoned is if they are truly really okay with being just friends and nothing more. meaning would not have any issue with that person being with other people and being introduced to whoever they are with if it ever came down to it. meaning choosing to lose all hope of something romantic coming from the two of you and being okay with that. if you have a problem with that even if its just a smidge I would say avoid the friend zone.

[HumanMachine]

I wouldnt. I would ignore cold turkey. I dont believe in friend zones. I think the only circumstance where one should allow themselves to be friend zoned is if they are truly really okay with being just friends and nothing more. meaning would not have any issue with that person being with other people and being introduced to whoever they are with if it ever came down to it. meaning choosing to lose all hope of something romantic coming from the two of you and being okay with that. if you have a problem with that even if its just a smidge I would say avoid the friend zone.

 

I don't care, if she doesn't want me there's nothing I can do. I am who I am. Rather than come off as bitter I'll go to the next drinks and then cut contact.

[Beachead]

Friend is a weird description, every few weeks we will go for drinks then not talk until the next meeting. We get on well but she's not someone I could talk to every day.

 

Last time I saw her I told her that I find her attractive, I was shot down. Oh well, life goes on.

 

Anyway we agreed to go for drinks next week, should I cancel or just carry on going? I'm a chilled guy, nothing will change on my part, but id rather not waste time and money on someone who I find attractive who doesn't feel the same way about me. I also don't want to come across as bitter....

 

Hey man,

 

I've been in your shoes on more than one occasion. It's crappy, but this is how I understand it to be.

 

For one..

 

Even if you think you're coming off cool, there's a lot of information in your actions. Being she already turned you down, she knows you want her. I'm guessing because she still goes out for drinks with you knowing all this, she likely enjoys having her ego stroked. Since you continue to stay despite the fact, it communicates to her, that you are willing to forgo what you truly wanted (A relationship) in favour of accepting something you don't want (A "friendship") with her that you pretend you are okay with when you're not. It makes you look weak and insincere in her eyes. Because of that, I'm pretty sure a part of her looks down on you and will not consider you.

 

And Two..

 

You two aren't friends. I'll say that right now. The reason being, you find her attractive. It means you have a bias and because of that bias, you are subconsciously looking for signs she might be giving off, that confirm that bias. You are interpreting her actions according to that bias as well. Overall, you want something from her; her affection, her intimacy. Because of that, you cannot be friends with her..not until those feelings are eliminated which is something you can't do with her around.

 

And over time, in your presence, she'll be shopping around for other men and will date them while you continue to put forth your best efforts to get her attention, only to be continuously sidelined. It'll take a toll on your confidence and and general well-being and make you bitter. Eventually you'll leave out of frustration when you realize you're no justified to get angry because she's already turned you down. Or, you'll be around long enough to be pushed away by her when she does settle down with someone else.

 

So don't waste your time and drain your well-being out for a girl who is uninterested in you. It's a raw deal.

 

I'd cut her loose and direct my best self to someone else who shares mutual interest.

 

- Beach

Edited July 10, 2019 by Beachead

[HumanMachine]

Hey man,

 

I've been in your shoes on more than one occasion. It's crappy, but this is how I understand it to be.

 

For one..

 

Even if you think you're coming off cool, there's a lot of information in your actions. Being she already turned you down, she knows you want her. I'm guessing because she still goes out for drinks with you knowing all this, she likely enjoys having her ego stroked. Since you continue to stay despite the fact, it communicates to her, that you are willing to forgo what you truly wanted (A relationship) in favour of accepting something you don't want (A "friendship") with her that you pretend you are okay with when you're not. It makes you look weak and insincere in her eyes. Because of that, I'm pretty sure a part of her looks down on you and will not consider you.

 

And Two..

 

You two aren't friends. I'll say that right now. The reason being, you find her attractive. It means you have a bias and because of that bias, you are subconsciously looking for signs she might be giving off, that confirm that bias. You are interpreting her actions according to that bias as well. Overall, you want something from her; her affection, her intimacy. Because of that, you cannot be friends with her..not until those feelings are eliminated which is something you can't do with her around.

 

And over time, in your presence, she'll be shopping around for other men and will date them while you continue to put forth your best efforts to get her attention, only to be continuously sidelined. It'll take a toll on your confidence and and general well-being and make you bitter. Eventually you'll leave out of frustration when you realize you're no justified to get angry because she's already turned you down. Or, you'll be around long enough to be pushed away by her when she does settle down with someone else.

 

So don't waste your time and drain your well-being out for a girl who is uninterested in you. It's a raw deal.

 

I'd cut her loose and direct my best self to someone else who shares mutual interest.

 

- Beach

 

That's an awesome post - thank you Beach. What do you think I should do about our plans next week? Just cancel and not offer an alternative date?

[basil67]

Woah, chill out. We are a couple of people who enjoy each others company for a couple of hours. I wouldn't class her as a proper friend.

 

Regular catch ups for a couple of hours? I'd call that a friend.

[Beachead]

@HumanMachine

 

I'd say cancel it.

 

You don't have to burn the bridge right now but I'd just withdraw my effort. But as long as you keep her around, she'll occupy a part of your thoughts which could have been given to someone more worthwhile.

Edited July 10, 2019 by Beachead

[Happy Lemming]

...but id rather not waste time and money on someone who I find attractive who doesn't feel the same way about me.

 

If you are taking votes, I say cancel.

 

You hit the nail on the head, yourself. Don't waste anymore time, money or energy on this individual.

 

You have enough friends, right?? You don't need this one sided venture.

[alphamale]

Friend is a weird description, every few weeks we will go for drinks then not talk until the next meeting. We get on well but she's not someone I could talk to every day.

 

Last time I saw her I told her that I find her attractive, I was shot down. Oh well, life goes on.

 

Anyway we agreed to go for drinks next week, should I cancel or just carry on going? I'm a chilled guy, nothing will change on my part, but id rather not waste time and money on someone who I find attractive who doesn't feel the same way about me. I also don't want to come across as bitter....

 

HM why do you want to date someone who you cannot talk to everyday?

[HumanMachine]

Regular catch ups for a couple of hours? I'd call that a friend.

 

I wouldn't say regular, she reached out to me after we stopped speaking about 6 months ago. We've seen each other a few times since and don't speak in between. I speak to my friends every single day about anything and everything. Completely different in my eyes.

 

@HumanMachine

 

I'd say cancel it.

 

You don't have to burn the bridge right now but I'd just withdraw my effort. But as long as you keep her around, she'll occupy a part of your thoughts which could have been given to someone more worthwhile.

 

Cheers Beach, you've helped me see this from a different perspective.

 

If you are taking votes, I say cancel.

 

You hit the nail on the head, yourself. Don't waste anymore time, money or energy on this individual.

 

You have enough friends, right?? You don't need this one sided venture.

 

Yes no skin off my nose. Thanks!

 

HM why do you want to date someone who you cannot talk to everyday?

 

We are both emotionally unavailable, I was angleing for a FWB setup.

Edited July 11, 2019 by HumanMachine

[Beachead]

@HumanMachine

 

Cheers Beach, you've helped me see this from a different perspective.

 

Glad to be of service friend. Stay strong.

 

- Beach

[schlumpy]

I can't be friends with a woman I have romantic feelings for. It won't work for either one of us

[Alt90]

How about this... I got friendzoned (several times by the same person)... Then they ask me to move in with them, of course I couldn't resist 🙈

We have our own bedrooms, never actually been together romantically but we share the life together that I always wanted!

Edited January 7, 2020 by Alt90

[PinkFlamingo]

On 7/10/2019 at 3:39 PM, HumanMachine said:

Friend is a weird description, every few weeks we will go for drinks then not talk until the next meeting. We get on well but she's not someone I could talk to every day.

 

Last time I saw her I told her that I find her attractive, I was shot down. Oh well, life goes on.

 

Anyway we agreed to go for drinks next week, should I cancel or just carry on going? I'm a chilled guy, nothing will change on my part, but id rather not waste time and money on someone who I find attractive who doesn't feel the same way about me. I also don't want to come across as bitter....

Well, if it doesn't hurt you that badly that she shot you down, then take a good look at what the benefit is of hanging out with her for a couple of drinks every few weeks. If you don't see any, then don't do it. If you enjoy her company, then meet her.