Breaking things off with FWB

[SpecialJ]

I don't usually do casual types of relationships, but I've got some long work travel coming up and met someone through mutual friends who I get along with very well with incredible chemistry on top of that who unfortunately turned out to be non-committal -- and we ended up agreeing to try a short term FWB type deal.

 

He treated it like a fake relationship, though, so we spent too much time together being coupley. Though we had a great time, I decided to call it off even prior to leaving before my feelings got too strong. I was honest about it immediately upon feeling more, and he said he really likes me but can't see his feelings changing (it sounds like that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with me, so I believe it). However, then he got really upset and spent a breakup-length amount of time trying to change my mind.

 

I wouldn't make that kind of decision based on what he wants, and we're not aligned on our goals, but I was just curious if that's typical? I know FWB is confusing as is, and I'm not very experienced with it which is why I'm asking, but I found it bizarre that I'm the one who is more invested and I had no hard feelings and was trying to do the responsible thing but he got so riled up about it. Is that just an ego / control / rejection thing? I was expecting him to hear the words "feelings" and "needs" and run away screaming, making it a clean and easy mutual break for both of us. It ended up not being an easy break at all, and I just want to make sure I was respectful and fair.

Edited April 18, 2019 by SpecialJ

[Blind-Sided]

Unfortunately... the FWB thing hardly ever works 100% the way it should. In my life... I've had that situation three times, and there was more clingy/hurt feelings then there was supposed to be.

 

 

The first time, I was moving to another state. I had already sent all of my belongings away (movers) and was staying with a friend for a couple days. I had just had a bad break-up, so I was introduced to a friend of my buddy's GF. We kind of hit it off, and after we all went out, (as a group) we spent the night together. Before I allowed anything to happen, I told her that I was leaving in a few days. Her response was "Well, then we have to make these days count." After moving, she sent me several letters, and called a bunch of times. I personally didn't mind, but it took her several months to figure out, I wasn't moving back.

 

 

The second time was with a friend of a cousin. (in the new state) It was supposed to be totally casual. I was on the academic track, and she wasn't. (so no long term compatibility) We had a good time over a few months, but when I started to get very busy with collage, and it was a long drive for us to "Hook-up", it just kind of drifted apart. I thought this one was how it was supposed to work. But then a year later, I find out she was totally Pi$$ed off, and was talking trash about me. But since we ran in 2 totally different circles... it really didn't matter. (just heard the info back from my cousin)

 

 

The third time was the only OK one. This was another friend of my cousin, and we would go to bars, and nightclubs together. (there was a group of 3 or 4 of us that would go) So... we would dance, and get drunk... and a couple times, we fooled around. It wasn't the FWB thing totally... but we both talked and didn't want to be tied down at this point of our lives. But I guess there was still hurt feelings in this. I was recently told that one of the other girls in this group liked me, and was upset that I was fooling around with this girl.

 

Now, before you judge me... number 2 and 3 were both friends of the same cousin... but they were not friends with each other. AND... since I have a solid moral compass, These 2 WFB girls were NOT at the same time. (never cheated on anyone, and never dated 2 girls at the same time) One was during the first summer... and the second was after Xmas break. So there was a solid 6 moths between them.

 

 

Anyway... to me... FWB is a crutch, but someone normally gets hurt on some level.

Edited April 18, 2019 by Blind-Sided

[Cersei]

Don't feel guilty. Of course he is upset. His access to easy non committal sex has ended.

He has to face reality. It's run it's course.

[SpecialJ]

Thanks, for sharing your experiences Blind-Sided. Coincidentally, that's kind of what I was worried about, if I somehow blind sided him, lol. I'm not judging (I mean, I just did it too), it is what it is as long as everyone is safe and honest, and it sounds like you were upfront. And didn't play fake relationship.

 

To both your and Cersei's points, I am trying to make sure I was fair because it is obvious to me the FWB thing was a crutch. And I think that's in general why I read it always gets messy? We both like each other but he's got other issues that are unrelated to me that I don't know if he'll ever deal with, so at this point I feel like we kind of negotiated a loophole to get to know each other (and enjoy hooking up) in a situation he could feel more comfortable with. And that's not my problem, or place to point out to him. But I feel bad he felt bad, because I take him at his word about what he wants from me, openly communicated, and stuck with exactly the terms we originally set.

 

I'm sure he'll be fine as soon as I leave. I'll probably avoid future FWB situations, because I want a more stable situation. But still interested to hear how these things usually go and how to handle them.