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Singlesided Break-up


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 3rd March 2019, 7:34 PM   #1
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Singlesided Break-up

A little context is needed here: I have been in a relationship for nearly 3 years now. We are somewhat happy but this relationship has survived several hiccups which were mainly related to her lack of trust in me regarding other women in my life (even though I have always been faithful). She has been jealous of any women around me, even though I had no intention of doing anything with them other than friendship or professional relationship. Our couple mostly survived because of how supportive and caring we are for each other, but this jealousy has been heavy for a while.

Recently, I have started a new intensive professional training, which lasts only a year. This has put additional stress onto our relationship since I have to put extra time in homeworks and assignments, but again, she has been very supportive. I met this girl in my class, and I immedialty found her very attractive. But of course, I was in a committed relationship and as I learned later she was too, so there was nothing there. We started working on a few projects together and got to learn more about each other. It felt like we clicked on several levels, seemed to be on the same page on most topics and we bonded during our assignments. We also started sharing some aspects of our live, and became sort of confidants about school matter and even home stuff. But of course, at the end of the day, we both returned to our respective homes and relationships.

We have now worked on a several month projet that is soon coming to an end. During the past few days, I have come to realize that we will soon seen much less of each other, and later possibly not at all. Even though I know this is impossible on several levels, I am now feeling heavy withdrawal symptoms, panic attacks, and sudden burst into tears. I cant help but feeling strongly attached to her even though she is feeling nothing at all for me, added to both our situations.

I feel a deep affection for her and I cannot imagine speding less time around her, even though I have no control over this. Noboby arounds me can know about this, and I know that to any outsider, this looks like an obvious fix, but this feels like living hell.

Please help.

Last edited by Memo; 3rd March 2019 at 8:41 PM.. Reason: Typos and such
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Old 4th March 2019, 8:57 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Memo View Post
, I am now feeling heavy withdrawal symptoms, panic attacks, and sudden burst into tears.
For a man who is in a relationship & claims that the only thing between him & this OW is a work project, that seems like an extreme reaction.

You need to do some serious soul searching. Perhaps your actual relationship is drawing to a close having been killed by time & jealousy.

Since the woman about whom you feel so strongly is in a relationship & has shown no signs of wanting anything other than to be your colleague, do not share your feelings with her but get a grip on them, lest you ruin your job.
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Old 16th March 2019, 7:54 AM   #3
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You seem like you’re really into this other person even though you’re in a relationship. Were you also into these other women from the past who she was jealous of?
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Old 16th March 2019, 10:52 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Memo View Post
It felt like we clicked on several levels, seemed to be on the same page on most topics and we bonded during our assignments. We also started sharing some aspects of our live, and became sort of confidants about school matter and even home stuff...

I am now feeling heavy withdrawal symptoms, panic attacks, and sudden burst into tears. I cant help but feeling strongly attached to her even though she is feeling nothing at all for me, added to both our situations.

I feel a deep affection for her and I cannot imagine speding less time around her, even though I have no control over this ...this feels like living hell. Please help.
Hi, Memo - It sounds to me like your bonding was deeper than you realized at the time and essentially an emotional affair (EA) even though you probably never have intended it or thought of it that way.

It sounds like the prospect of losing might have triggered limerence. Do you think of her very frequently? Do you experience intense longing (triggering your crying)?

You can look up limerence on wikipedia to get a sense of how well it fits your situation. Probably you have no intent to do something stupid like leave your current GF for her or similar. Especially since this woman has her own BF.

Assuming that's the case, your best option IMO is to accept it once she's gone and go NC (no contact). It will not be easy and may cause you more distress in the short term, but in the long term it will be much better than prolonging the limerence. Don't look her up on social media or anything like that - it'll just retrigger it. Chalk it up to a nice experience and close the book entirely. You WILL get over your feelings, it will just take a lot longer unfortunately than you'd like (probably at least a few months).

The more completely impossible it is to be with this person, the sooner your brain will readjust to life without her. Suggest you keep that in mind. As you can see, your GF's jealousy was not entirely misplaced. We're all only human and these things happen.

Wish you the best of luck...
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