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What to make of my female work colleagues behaviour?


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 28th February 2019, 11:48 AM   #1
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What to make of my female work colleagues behaviour?

The woman in question is five years younger than me and has a boyfriend who she never talks about. We work different shifts so only see each other for about 10 - 15mins twice a day. The other week totally out of the blue she text me saying that her boyfriend wants to dump her. I don’t understand why she would tell me that. I mean we’re just work colleagues. She is a very private person so to be sharing personal info like that with me seemed unusual for her. She’s so private that nobody really knows much about her.

I don’t want to ruin her current relationship and I am not about to get involved in it as I don’t need or want the drama. I have never met her boyfriend. I’m just after people’s opinions and thoughts on this woman and the situation.

Other people have mentioned that she hasn’t been happy with her boyfriend for a while now and I am left wondering if her change in behaviour is a sign that she is possibly trying to line me up as her next boyfriend.

About a month ago we were joking around and she said ‘we need to find you a girlfriend’ I jokingly said ‘why, are you offering’ and her response was simply ‘oh cheeky’. There were other colleagues around and she seemed unsure when she realised they were nearby. I would’ve of thought that if she wasn’t interested she would’ve just come straight out and said no or something of a similar nature.

Last week without me knowing she turned round to my work mate and said ‘we need to find him a girlfriend’. When he jokingly said ‘are you auditioning’ she said no. I wasn’t present when this happened. He got the impression that she was fishing for info on my relationship status rather than trying to suggest setting me up. I haven’t worked with her for months so she wouldn’t know my current relationship status. I don’t understand why she has taken a sudden interest in my love life when her time and attention would surely be better spent trying to sort out her own relationship problems. Could it be that what she is really saying is ‘we need to find him a girlfriend i.e. ‘me’? Could it be that she doesn’t want him knowing that she likes me because she thinks that he may tell me or others?

After this conversation with my work mate she’s become far friendly and has on several occasions been begging me to come back to the day shift because she misses me and has said that she misses walking out of work with me at the end of the shift. When we did work together several people said that we seemed inseparable as she would often follow me around the place even if she had no reason to. Recently she has been getting stroppy if I don’t give her a hug when I see her. She said sarcastically the other day when I was busy ‘oh no hug this morning then’. It just seems strange as I could understand her getting stroppy if I was her boyfriend but I’m not.

One of my female work colleagues text me about work and when she found out she confronted this woman and abruptly said ‘I hear you text him last night’. I had already told her about the text and its contents yet she still proceeded to confront this woman. Both I and the woman found this strange as she said it in a very confrontational manner and apparently she was off with her all day despite them usually being good friends. She came across as possessive and annoyed that this other woman had text me. When I told my work mate he also found it strange and said it’s the sort of behaviour that you would expect to possibly occur in a relationship but not a friendship. I’m inclined to agree with him in that I could understand her behaviour if I was her boyfriend and another woman was texting me but I’m just a work colleague who gets on well with her and the others.

The woman who text me is younger and prettier than her and I wonder if this may of played any part in her behaviour towards us. Could it be that because of the age and looks she thinks that I would choose the other woman instead of her?

Later on the same day when I turned up for my shift her friend said ‘we were just talking about you’ and suddenly she became distant and walked off. It’s as if she wasn’t happy with her friend telling me that. A short time later she announced to me that she had sorted out her boyfriend but then said ‘We are going to London tomorrow if I don’t end up killing him’. She didn’t sound very enthusiastic about going on a day out. This seemed odd as one minute she’s saying everything is sorted and the next she’s saying things that suggest they are not. I am wondering if she said everything was sorted to either test my reaction or because she thinks I like the other woman and therefore has got the hump with me and this other woman. Also according to my work mate there have been no posts or check-ins on his Facebook news feed from her about their trip which he says seems odd as he reckons most people would post at least one photo.

It seems one minute she’s giving off signs of interest and the next there’s nothing and as she a very private and shy person it’s difficult to work out what is going on. Her words also seem to conflict with her actions at times.

What are people’s thoughts on this woman and her behaviour?
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Old 28th February 2019, 2:27 PM   #2
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This seems to me like either a dysfunctional but genuine romantic interest in you or a rather poor and transparent attempt to monkey-branch (ie, having you lined up in case her current relationship falls through).

You could in theory choose to be with her IF her current relationship ends. However I rather suspect you'd prefer to not deal with her.

If she becomes weird to the point where it makes you uncomfortable have a gentle but firm chat with her asking her directly to stop. At that point you may also wish to notify HR (not asking them to take any direct action, but to have a record of what has happened and that you requested she stop, in case she starts to get really weird on you - hopefully that won't happen but IMO it's often best to be the first one to talk to HR in a work context).

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Old 28th February 2019, 2:43 PM   #3
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I'm going to ignore all the does she like me stuff and zero in on the one thing that matters here, and that is that you ALREADY know she'll cause work drama if you get involved with her, because she's already doing it, 1) by talking about you needing a girlfriend with you and others and especially 2) monitoring who talks to you and is interested.


So if you have any sense at all, you will tell her you already have a love interest and also refuse to get involved with work mates because if you do, this is going to blow up and she's going to make sure everyone knows about it and she's not being at all professional.
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Old 1st March 2019, 9:46 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
I'm going to ignore all the does she like me stuff and zero in on the one thing that matters here, and that is that you ALREADY know she'll cause work drama if you get involved with her, because she's already doing it, 1) by talking about you needing a girlfriend with you and others and especially 2) monitoring who talks to you and is interested.


So if you have any sense at all, you will tell her you already have a love interest and also refuse to get involved with work mates because if you do, this is going to blow up and she's going to make sure everyone knows about it and she's not being at all professional.
This x100000
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Old 2nd March 2019, 1:02 AM   #5
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Thanks for the replies. Just a quick update regarding this. It turns out that she has again told my work mate that 'we need to find him a girlfriend'. He made the same joke but she just walked away. He says it's as if she puts up a brick wall as soon as he says anything. I find it strange that she has mentioned my relationship status twice within the space of a week.

I don't understand why she is talking to my work mate about my relationship status instead of talking to me directly and if she doesn't like me just coming straight out and saying so.

Should I just confront her and ask her why she is so interested in my relationship status?

Last edited by rh205; 2nd March 2019 at 1:12 AM..
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Old 2nd March 2019, 6:44 AM   #6
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Some people especially when at work get very interested in other people's relationships and when someone doesn't have a relationship they tend to think it weird, and will "mobilise the troops" to get the single person into a relationship.
Maybe that is all she is doing by having these chats with your friend.

To me she sounds like someone with a bf who safe in that situation, flirts, banters and attaches herself to the single guy at work. She is not really interested in him as a partner but this "inseparable" friendship at work thing suits her very well.
The other girl at work is muscling in and could steal away her "special work friend" so she put her in her place.

I guess if you got a gf tomorrow outside of work she would not care as it would not impact the work environment.

Even if she is interested, getting involved with people who have a bf or have just split up, is asking for trouble and unlikely to work out well for you.
As you work together too the fall out could be spectacular.
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Old 2nd March 2019, 3:02 PM   #7
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Don't play into her gossipy drama. Just be professional and polite and nothing more.
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Old 3rd March 2019, 10:55 PM   #8
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Thanks for the replies. I saw her the other day at work and she seemed to be in a very bad mood and was rude to me. Luckily she was about to go off duty and I haven't seen her since. She seems to fluctuate between moods recently. My work mate said she's the same towards him.

I spoke to my work mate and he said it seems very strange how as soon as he jokes 'why are you interested?' She quickly shuts the conversation down and walks away. He said that if she was just gossiping about me then she would have no problem continuing the conversation.
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Old 4th March 2019, 1:13 AM   #9
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You know, the more I read here, the more I get the impression of a person who creates unnecessary drama. Probably she does this as a way manipulate others (esp. a romantic interest) and possibly to fulfill a need for attention.

Think this is a simple one - whatever her goals are (friendship, hooking you up, EA, monkey branching) stay away and if needed have the "leave me be" chat with her. Lots of red flags here. There are other, better, fish in the sea!
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Old 5th March 2019, 11:54 AM   #10
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Think this is a simple one - whatever her goals are (friendship, hooking you up, EA, monkey branching) stay away and if needed have the "leave me be" chat with her. Lots of red flags here. There are other, better, fish in the sea!
Thanks for your reply. I am tempted next time I see her to have a chat with her and maybe ask her why she is so interested in my love life and has been discussing it behind my back and especially to my work mate who she knows will tell me.
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Old 5th March 2019, 12:57 PM   #11
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I’m in a work drama situation and trust me run away!

It’s not worth it. I knew it and I tried to leave but my stupid feeling got in the way and now I’m paying for it

Don’t even talk to her just keep your distance and be professional
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Old 7th March 2019, 5:12 PM   #12
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It's also possible that she does like you and if she weren't already in a relationship she would want something more. She might want you to get a girlfriend because that would make you unavailable and therefore easier for her to be friends with because there would be no chance of getting involved. She likes you but doesn't want to cheat on her boyfriend and for whatever reason she can't or won't break up with him. Her moods probably have nothing to do with you...women get moody sometimes, but if things are not going well with the boyfriend, that's going to make the moodiness worse.

Either way, don't get involved with someone at work. If you call her on all this, she's going to say you're inventing stuff. If you like her as a friend, then just stay friends. When you meet a girl you like, talk to her about it and ask for her advice on how to approach the new girl. She'll get the idea that you two are just friends.
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