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hooking up with a friend


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 18th February 2019, 11:22 PM   #1
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hooking up with a friend (guys and girls opinion needed)

I stumbled upon this website searching for advice so here it goes! I met this guy when I was 12 and ever since then we have been close friends, I still consider him one of my best friends. since I was like 14 Iíve been into him and itís always been pretty back and forth. We know each otherís family and talk (mostly Snapchat) weekly and usually daily.

Throughout high school, we both dated other people but remained close and once my prom came around I asked him to be my date and he agreed. Like a month before prom, we hooked up after a party (just made out type of thing) when me and some friends stayed at his house. Then on grad night, we did the same thing, and we kept casually doing that every now and then, however he would always get lowkey awkward afterwards.

His friends (also my friends) always made little jokes about how they ďknewĒ we were going to date, and would poke fun at us in a joking matter. 2 months after prom we slept together and he hard core ghosted me and that really upset me, for obvious reasons. Then around 4 months later, after we hadnít been talking much, I got a drunk apology at a party but he still wouldnít text me the next day when he said he was going to, so I was still pretty mad. Buuuut like a month later we had sex again and after this we started casually hooking up, however he would continue to get awkward and ghost me each time. I started doing the same thing and not expecting much, and I eventually found out that this was because he knew I liked him and thought I wanted a relationship, he didnít wanna hurt me, etc. About a year ago we had a talk and I let him know that Iím not wanting one either, and since then things are pretty normal after we hookup. I continued to stay at his house sometimes/we would hangout.

Fast forward 2 years of casually hooking up (but weíve only actually slept together like 5 times) weíre in the same position, only now itís more serious(?) if thatís the word I should use. The only way I can explain it is that we still see other people and hookup with people and it doesnít bother eachother (I obviously get a little jealous though and my friends have noticed he pays attention to when I talk to other guys at the bar/parties) but I wouldnít go for his friends and he wouldnít go for mine, and everyone knows that we have a thing for each other and hookup. itís been like 8 years of him just always being ďthereĒ and in my life so I know I canít just ditch him, that would be too hard. Itís hard because our parents know each other (work together) and know we hookup, I know he cares about me, but sometimes heís really cute towards me and sometimes heís cold or heíll ignore my snaps/texts etc. Iím just not sure what to do. I wanna know how he feels without actually talking to him about it because I know he hates talking about feelings and I donít want to mess up anything. Whenever weíre together heís always really sweet, calls me cute names etc, things like that.




I feel like weíre stuck in a repeating cycle. Is he just using me?? Does he just not know what he wants/is immature? Does this seem like it will ever go anywhere? What should I doooo. Any advice is welcomed

Last edited by faith11; 18th February 2019 at 11:34 PM..
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Old 19th February 2019, 12:16 AM   #2
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My husband and I were best friends growing up and through high school. Our relationship had ups and downs kind of like what you describe. We were too young for it, and we didn't know how to get along together. It all fell apart, but we came back together a little over a year ago when we realized that we just couldn't live apart.

The problem with dating your best friend is that it is tricky. If you make a mistake, you risk the entire friendship. My husband and I were lucky - we stayed in contact even after he married someone else, and then after he married again. We just couldn't stay away, couldn't do the "no contact" thing. We found a solution we could live with, but it could have gone badly in a different direction.

I don't know if your partner is playing you, or if the emotions of the friendship combined with sleeping together make things too confusing for both of you. With me and my husband, I was torn by my constant desire for other women and his desire at that time to be monogamous and have the traditional 1950's "Leave it to Beaver" nuclear family. It took over a decade of learning and growing up and leaving our preconceptions behind.

As for family, I'm not much help there. I don't really get along with my in-laws. They see me as a combination of "pagan warrior" and "harlot of Babylon." My parents aren't in the picture. All I can say about it is that you have to choose your own path and make your own life.

My final advice is to be straight forward and up front. Tell him what you want, and ask him if he feels the same or if he needs time. A romantic connection with your best friend can feel like the best thing in the world, or like absolute torture. The worst thing you can do is hide from him what is going on in your mind. I lost years trying to trick myself out of what I wanted, and I lost years by being silent when I should have spoken my heart.
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:18 AM   #3
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thank you for your advice! It’s relieving to know this happens to other people and I’m happy to hear your relationship worked out, I feel this crazy gut feeling or intuition that I can see him and I working out but it’s all so confusing. I just feel that the timing for us right now isn’t right but I can’t help my feelings for him, and somehow everything leads back to him. I know I need to talk to him but it’s hard as he just moved so we barely see eachother and I don’t want to bring this topic up over text it’s more of a waiting game at this point

Last edited by faith11; 19th February 2019 at 1:22 AM..
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:37 AM   #4
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thank you for your advice! Itís relieving to know this happens to other people and Iím happy to hear your relationship worked out, I feel this crazy gut feeling or intuition that I can see him and I working out but itís all so confusing. I just feel that the timing for us right now isnít right but I canít help my feelings for him, and somehow everything leads back to him. I know I need to talk to him but itís hard as he just moved so we barely see eachother and I donít want to bring this topic up over text itís more of a waiting game at this point

The moving is the worst part. My husband moved to another state, married a girl there, and stayed there for several years. I missed him terribly. Looking back, I should have gone there, forced her out, and moved in myself. But that isn't how it happened. Instead I had to wait until she tired of him, treated him badly, and divorced him and broke his heart. And then I waited some more even though I knew we should be together.

If I were you, I wouldn't wait to bring it up over text. If I were to do my life over again, I'd get in my car and drive there and lay it out plainly and force out my competitors. Guys don't take hints, don't pick up subtle messages. My husband always says, "Talk plain to me." He wants things said simply, understandably, and without relying on intuition. It takes courage to do that, but it is worth it.
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Old 19th February 2019, 3:29 AM   #5
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I just feel like he wonít take it the right way or heíll react weirdly if I bring it up over text But if he starts seeing someone itíll ruin me, so Iím stuck in a crappy situation.. I know heís in a place where heís enjoying being single and is busy with work and such which is also why he would distance himself whenever we would hookup! but I also know the feelings are there so itís hard! Itís like itís obvious that he has feelings but he sucks at admitting stuff like that and talking about them, and that leads to me to thinking I need to just wait it out a little longer or until itís more clear, I just donít know. I want to man up and ask him straight up if he ever sees us being more than what we are right now but itís hard. In the past Iíve felt like Iím the one getting too attached and I donít want him to have that power over me if I come right out and say how I feel.
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Old 19th February 2019, 7:02 PM   #6
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I feel like weíre stuck in a repeating cycle. Is he just using me??
At best using each other, but yes.
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Originally Posted by faith11 View Post
Does he just not know what he wants/is immature?
He knows what he wants, he wants sex when it is convenient for him.
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Originally Posted by faith11 View Post
Does this seem like it will ever go anywhere?
It may likely damage your self-esteem, garner an undesirable reputation, and potentially poison future positive relationships.
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Originally Posted by faith11 View Post
What should I doooo. Any advice is welcomed
Be blunt, ask him to be exclusive.
When he refuses, or breaks up with remove him from your life entirely and move forward.

No, it isn't easy, but yes, it is that simple.
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Old 19th February 2019, 7:32 PM   #7
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These two things are separate: He likes you as a friend & he likes sex.

I would bet that if cornered he would say that you aren't really his type and not what he's looking for in a real girlfriend. He's been very clear that he's running from anything serious with you and doesn't want you to get that idea. You've convinced him you're "cool," but you're jealous of him and there will come a time he'll get another girlfriend. Of course, what man wouldn't just keep having sex with someone who acted like they didn't care if he also dated other women?

The dangerous precedent you're setting is for the future. If you should happen to get pregnant or he should happen to start thinking, Hey, maybe she'd be a good mother to my kids, PLUS she wouldn't care if I still had sex with other women. Then you'd have a bad role model, two of them, for your children to learn relationships from.
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Old 19th February 2019, 7:34 PM   #8
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I don't think he's using you but he has probably compartmentalized you. You are a friend he has sex with. He likes you but hasn't even considered "loving" you. If you want to date him you have to talk to him & then you have to stop hooking up if he's not willing to try a relationship.
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Old 19th February 2019, 7:47 PM   #9
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If he wanted more than what you have right now I think he would have brought it up by now (unless you are explicitly telling him you don't want more or that you are interested in someone else). He's not using you any more than what he thinks you are using him - it's inherent in a FWB situation.

You are in danger now of having your heart broken if you keep going as you are without speaking up. Tell him you have deeper feelings for him now and so need to stop the FWB if he doesn't feel the same.
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Old 20th February 2019, 12:27 AM   #10
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These two things are separate: He likes you as a friend & he likes sex.

I would bet that if cornered he would say that you aren't really his type and not what he's looking for in a real girlfriend. He's been very clear that he's running from anything serious with you and doesn't want you to get that idea. You've convinced him you're "cool," but you're jealous of him and there will come a time he'll get another girlfriend. Of course, what man wouldn't just keep having sex with someone who acted like they didn't care if he also dated other women?

The dangerous precedent you're setting is for the future. If you should happen to get pregnant or he should happen to start thinking, Hey, maybe she'd be a good mother to my kids, PLUS she wouldn't care if I still had sex with other women. Then you'd have a bad role model, two of them, for your children to learn relationships from.

I of course wouldnít be a okay with him seeing other women if anything were to change between us but right now thatís fine with me as weíre both single and itís not my place to tell him what to do! Itís tricky because he also gets jealous and makes jokes that ďweíll get marriedĒ that Iím ďhis wifeĒ and what not. (I donít take these comments seriously obviously) He was like this before we were even intimate with each other.. I do see what youíre saying though and thank you for your advice! Thereís so many layers to our friendship/relationship and itís complicated. He and his friends literally joke that our relationship on Facebook would be ďitís complicatedĒ haha. Iím gonna step back until I get the opportunity to actually talk to him.
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Old 20th February 2019, 12:38 AM   #11
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If he wanted more than what you have right now I think he would have brought it up by now (unless you are explicitly telling him you don't want more or that you are interested in someone else). He's not using you any more than what he thinks you are using him - it's inherent in a FWB situation.

You are in danger now of having your heart broken if you keep going as you are without speaking up. Tell him you have deeper feelings for him now and so need to stop the FWB if he doesn't feel the same.
thank you! He knows Iím not trying to date him but I also honestly think itís because he thinks he wont lose time, that if he doesnít want to be in a relationship right now that Iíll still be around.. Youíre right though, next time were going to hookup, Iím just gonna tell him that I think itís a bad idea that we keep doing this if itís never gonna go anywhere. I need to try to explain to him that Iím fine with not having a relationship but I canít help that Iíve caught feelings and so itís only causing me pain. We both have a lot of love for each other and I donít wanna screw our friendship up, as all our friends are extremely close too!
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Old 20th February 2019, 12:42 AM   #12
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I don't think he's using you but he has probably compartmentalized you. You are a friend he has sex with. He likes you but hasn't even considered "loving" you. If you want to date him you have to talk to him & then you have to stop hooking up if he's not willing to try a relationship.
thank you! Iíve realized that what me and him have right now just isnít working out anymore. I plan on talking to him about our situation and ending it if it will never exceed FWB.
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Old 20th February 2019, 12:47 AM   #13
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At best using each other, but yes.

He knows what he wants, he wants sex when it is convenient for him.

It may likely damage your self-esteem, garner an undesirable reputation, and potentially poison future positive relationships.

Be blunt, ask him to be exclusive.
When he refuses, or breaks up with remove him from your life entirely and move forward.

No, it isn't easy, but yes, it is that simple.

thank you, Iím going to talk to him before we hookup again and see where his headís at and end FWB if its never gonna go anywhere. the only thing is our parents work together and weíre friends with all the same people, heís been one of my best friends for like 10 years, removing him completely would be next to impossible..
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