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33 year old guy here, needs guidance


Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 2nd February 2019, 11:10 PM   #1
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33 year old guy here, needs guidance

Hello everyone, this is my first time posting on this forum. I want to discuss my current “FWB relationship” with a women that has been in my life for going on 6 years now and I wanted to get people’s take on my situation. I seek guidance and aid from those who have a lot more experience than I do.


I’m 33, never married, no kids….. I met my FWB at school in 2013. She took the initiative and expressed her interest in me very overtly. I received it with both concern and huge flattery at the same time. I was not attracted to her physically nor attracted to her personality. We started talking after our schooling ended and getting to know each other on a strictly friendship level and we got closer. During that time I was thinking that she might be the perfect person to lose my virginity to instead of an escort. So everyone knows…. I’ve had the worst luck in the dating scene growing up into my adulthood and she is the only women that has ever took the initiative. I knew that she had a strong romantic interest in me but I did not feel the same. I told her about my intentions with her in complete transparency and she accepted it.


The night I lost my virginity to her was difficult. As I said before, I’m not physically attracted to her so I had to imagine a women I was attracted to (a women a work, or a porn star, etc) in order to get hard and finish. It’s been like this to this day, I still have to concentrate on other women in order to be intimate with her. She knows about this too.


We kept seeing each other in a friend with benefits kind of relationship. She was going through severe/dire hard times with the death of her husband (she was separated at the time) and she needed emotional support and I was the only person around to give it to her. Our connection got stronger and we became closer.


Over the years we have been off and on, we would stop talking then talking again, we would make it official and become boyfriend girlfriend then later I would break up with her because I become bitter towards her due to the lack of physical attraction.


I’ve asked out so many women (well over hundreds at this point) with all of them saying no or they are spoken for. The women I do manage to get dates with have no interest in me afterwards. I even managed a one night stand with a women and she was amazing. I had a strong physical attraction towards her but she didn’t want anything serious with me. The selection of suitable mates here are almost nonexistent. I have given up and have tried to concentrate on the “relationship” I have with this women.


Right now she and I are the closest we have ever been, we know each other, we are truly best friends, and I have a great time when we are together. When we are in bed, there is affection and nurturing while cuddling and I love that….but…… when she is in the “mood” and wants more sex from me it is super difficult and I work and concentrate to get myself in the mood too.


My question to everyone…. Is physical attraction really important and necessary in a relationship? She is 40 and I’m 33, age will make everyone ugly one day right? In your latter years going towards being old, looks wouldn’t matter anymore right? What is everyone’s take on this?


If anyone has any specific probing questions please ask.


Thank you
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Old 2nd February 2019, 11:41 PM   #2
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Being physically attracted is typically high on the list of priorities in the beginning of the relationship. You are right however, in saying that age makes everybody a little worse for the wear. As an Asian, I can proudly say that Asians age the slowest. If you think there is a lack of physical attraction, then props to you for being honest. Can you bring yourself to be attracted to any other part of her? From a women's perspective, they admire hotness just as much as we do. However, women are generally much more willing to look over a less than "Brad Pitt body" if other redeeming characteristics are there. You'll have to ask yourself if you are willing to discipline yourself to see her other redeeming traits and be sexually attracted to those.
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Old 2nd February 2019, 11:47 PM   #3
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I agree with garcon1986 even though I have not read his post
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:27 AM   #4
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Being physically attracted is typically high on the list of priorities in the beginning of the relationship. You are right however, in saying that age makes everybody a little worse for the wear. As an Asian, I can proudly say that Asians age the slowest. If you think there is a lack of physical attraction, then props to you for being honest. Can you bring yourself to be attracted to any other part of her? From a women's perspective, they admire hotness just as much as we do. However, women are generally much more willing to look over a less than "Brad Pitt body" if other redeeming characteristics are there. You'll have to ask yourself if you are willing to discipline yourself to see her other redeeming traits and be sexually attracted to those.

I can't be sexually attracted to those traits but it can help me have a form of love for her I guess.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 9:58 AM   #5
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Physical attraction plays a major role in a relationship. (Well I haven't had many only 1 relationship/ marriage of 13 yrs but a few FWBs)

If you admit now that you are not physically attracted to her and imagine other women during sex, you are likely to build resentment as the relationship ages. Her as well.

You are considering her as she is your only option now.What if you meet a better option in the future and she reciprocates you as well? These things can happen...

I don't know what to say, just follow your gut.
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Old 3rd February 2019, 1:52 PM   #6
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Physical attraction plays a major role in a relationship. (Well I haven't had many only 1 relationship/ marriage of 13 yrs but a few FWBs)

If you admit now that you are not physically attracted to her and imagine other women during sex, you are likely to build resentment as the relationship ages. Her as well.

You are considering her as she is your only option now.What if you meet a better option in the future and she reciprocates you as well? These things can happen...

I don't know what to say, just follow your gut.

That is the reason why I broke up with her this year. I was resenting her and it was building up to bitterness. My fear is it turning into something worse. She is a great women, we have everything else that would make the foundation of an amazing relationship....except the physical lust/attraction/chemistry.


I don't know what to do, it seriously does feel like she is the only option. I've given up completely on trying to meet another women. I don't want to ruin what I have with her. I think it's harder too since she is my first.
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Old 8th February 2019, 2:20 PM   #7
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Physical attraction will get my attention, personality, ambition, kindness.... that’s what makes me interested. I think it’s absolutely normal to *need* some sort of physical attraction.

As for needing to visualize another woman in order to get off with her....I think it’s best if you continue to try and pursue other woman because over time I think your resentment will grow.

What type of woman are you seeking? Do you think your expectations are too high?
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Old 9th February 2019, 4:09 PM   #8
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Physical attraction will get my attention, personality, ambition, kindness.... that’s what makes me interested. I think it’s absolutely normal to *need* some sort of physical attraction.

As for needing to visualize another woman in order to get off with her....I think it’s best if you continue to try and pursue other woman because over time I think your resentment will grow.

What type of woman are you seeking? Do you think your expectations are too high?

That's my fear.... is resenting her when she has been the sweetest women to me over the years who truly appreciates and loves me. I just wish I was on the same level as her.


Perhaps my expectations are too high.... I've seeking a women who doesn't have kids, is around my age or younger (the women I'm seeing is 40), very curvy with a booty (thats what turns me on, the women Ive been seeing doesn't have any of this). A women who is financially independent and financially stable. A women who has healthy life habits, cares about her health and wellness, exercises routinely.

Do you think those are high expectations?
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Old 9th February 2019, 4:15 PM   #9
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Never settle. It won't work out well long term
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Old 10th February 2019, 2:26 AM   #10
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Do you think those are high expectations?

All those qualities in one... Yes IMO it's high expectations. Are you economically stable at your age?
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Old 10th February 2019, 4:00 AM   #11
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I definitely agree- don’t settle. You will never truly be happy if you do.

As far as your expectations... well, I think you are really restricting yourself from the possibility of meeting someone great. What if the woman of your dreams has a child but you never gave her the chance because you had made up your mind about not wanting anyone with kids. Or what if an amazing woman is out there but doesn’t have the perfect booty that you desire? Is it really worth passing up a potentially amazing person over a booty?

When i was dating I definitely had a list in my mind of what made a perfect guy for ME. BUT I realized that there isn’t the identical perfect guy that I had conjured up in my mind that’s in real life. Instead there were certain qualities that I found in different men.... I ended up weighting out what was the most important quality/expectation in guys.... humor? Ambition? Body? ...
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Old 14th February 2019, 1:04 AM   #12
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All those qualities in one... Yes IMO it's high expectations. Are you economically stable at your age?

Yes I am stable financially. Not in any debt except a car payment and my credit is getting close to 800.
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Old 14th February 2019, 1:08 AM   #13
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I definitely agree- don’t settle. You will never truly be happy if you do.

As far as your expectations... well, I think you are really restricting yourself from the possibility of meeting someone great. What if the woman of your dreams has a child but you never gave her the chance because you had made up your mind about not wanting anyone with kids. Or what if an amazing woman is out there but doesn’t have the perfect booty that you desire? Is it really worth passing up a potentially amazing person over a booty?

When i was dating I definitely had a list in my mind of what made a perfect guy for ME. BUT I realized that there isn’t the identical perfect guy that I had conjured up in my mind that’s in real life. Instead there were certain qualities that I found in different men.... I ended up weighting out what was the most important quality/expectation in guys.... humor? Ambition? Body? ...

Perhaps your right. She has other qualities that I love. She appreciates me and no other women out side of my own family has ever appreciated me.


I hope the lack of physical lust towards and her unhealthy habits doesn't make it worse as her and me get older.


I don't know....
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Old 14th February 2019, 1:20 AM   #14
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I’d like to think that my guy finds me physically attractive.

I’m not really interested in having sex with a man who finds me unattractive, and has to really work hard to make it happen. That’s not appealing, at all.

I think what you have with this woman is a friendship. You are missing out on so much if you settle for a relationship that is not supposed to be a close, physically intimate relationship.
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Old 14th February 2019, 1:23 AM   #15
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Since you've been so honest with her about not being physically attracted to her why not work with her so that she can become more physically attractive?

There is so much a woman can do to become attractive. I work in the field of beauty and I believe 90 per cent of women or there abouts can become beautiful.

If her weight is an issue she can go to the gym. If you have to have the booty can she get implants? Also, maybe she could work with someone about learning how to enhance her appearance.

This is one time that I wish this board wasn't anonymous because I would love to take the project on of helping her learn to be attractive!

Surely she can find some help somewhere! There is so much that can be done!
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