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Loosing hope in the arena of love. Help!

Friends and Lovers Progressing into "Friends with benefits" and beyond: When platonic relationships become more intimate.

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Old 25th January 2019, 5:37 AM   #1
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Loosing hope in the arena of love. Help!

I wrote this note to myself few moments before I bumped into your website this afternoon.can someone here me out there?

Dear me,
Am your future self and if you are wondering why I wrote this note to you well, it's because I have no one else to tell this to.

I am a jovial girl in the eyes of everyone and kind and loving but I am also very lonely and sad and depressed a lot of times In my life.
I have always wanted to accomplish a lot of things in life and most of the time that worked out for me, but lately I have realized that time is gone and my heart is lonely. There is a constant void inside that I crave to be filled. Someone to love ,to cherish with this love i feel inside me. Someone I could share my world with.

I go out with my friends and I meet new people, I also like some of my friends and hope that we share that connection with them, but for the past four months that has proven fatal to my heart and soul, I have been rejected more than 20 times by those I showed interest in. I guess that is not how this world of love works. I guess life never really taught me skills and lessons in this field.And i must have been too naive to think that someone could actually love me. Rejection are painful you know,but I guess I acted strong and moved past them like it was nothing and just a part of my journey, I looked for love in all the wrong places, I overlooked the imperfections in most people I showed my affection to cz I was really dying for someone to just tell me am worth their effort. But then I realized that this people despised me somehow, they discussed it with the other friends in the group and made fun of me. But I did not complain though I was hurting inside, saying that made them feel good about themselves and that was okay by me, I knew there was someone else out there for me and he was worth waiting for. But maybe I was wrong.

Some just ignored me after I said I missed them, after spending nights of dancing and holding hands, he even kissed me. Owh I was such a fool to have fallen for that act. But I did not know. 85% of his personality was full of things I did not approve in my partner, but I just wanted someone to share my world with. I opened up with him because it's was so easy. And now I realize that it took me only two weekends to get hooked on him and for that I feel a terrible loss in my heart.

He freaked out when I told him I was jealous of the way his friend french kissed him. He wondered why I was and I didn't know either why I was jealous. I just said it like a passive comment. It just happened and we haven't talked ever since.

I have been depressed for two days in my room, I haven't been outside either. I have lost the will to see anything that will take me out of this sad feeling I have inside. I want to block myself from the world and just get sucked into my own darkness.

I was depressed for days but nobody tried to even reach me, or find out where I was, I guess that explains where I stand in most people's lives. Am not blaming anyone for not reaching out to me but am just sad about how invisible I am to the world, I will be dead for months and nobody will even notice am missing.

Mother talked to me every now and then but I was too careful not to let her learn of my pain and struggles. Nobody wants me for a life partner not even a girlfriend, how will I get my young ones in future if nobody wants to share my world with me?

I work really hard, am principled, am funny and outgoing but I don't know how to pretend I don't like someone more than just a friend if I do. I want something more than just friendship I say it cz I don't want to leave anything to chance. If he fancies me as much as I do him them we should give it a try. But again I realize that I have been looking for love in all the wrong places, am not sure if the right places exists but right now am tired and I don't wanna look anymore. I also don't wanna be found. I guess my heart is still in pain and the best I can do is stay in my room distracting myself and feeding on my own sadness. If am not being rejected from love am being rejected from jobs.

He is the last man I wanna feel love for, there is no hope and room for me in this arena of love I guess. just pain of rejections, disappointment and loss.
I have been making the mistake of loving someone so much for 24years and never being loved back. It's the price I hv to pay for​ the rest of my life. I don't know what else to believe in . Am just sad and in pain.

Last edited by Moderator; 25th January 2019 at 9:21 AM.. Reason: paragraphs
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Old 25th January 2019, 4:37 PM   #2
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I'm sorry you are hurting. You can't let somebody else's opinion of you define who you are. Do not compromise your principles just to not be alone. Better to be alone then in a bad relationship.

hang in there. The right guy will come along
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Old 25th January 2019, 4:41 PM   #3
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I am so sorry you are hurting and I've glad you have found us here. Please keep talking, we are listening.
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Old 25th January 2019, 6:23 PM   #4
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Keep reading here at LS and you will probably come across things at random that will resonate with you, speak to what you are feeling and experiencing.

There is always hope, things can and do change.
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Old 16th February 2019, 3:29 PM   #5
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Thank you everyone for hearing me out and your feedback. Am still hanging in there and taking one day at a time
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Old 19th February 2019, 1:31 AM   #6
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I feel your pain. There's only one man I ever truly loved too, decades ago it seems or is...but I still have hope that I can be happy. I hope the same for you too! Life doesn't always give us our perfect partner. Sometimes they leave us for greener pastures. But it will be ok. I've found at least 1 good thing in every person I met...probably because I AM bringing that good thing with me to the table. I know to well that dark area you are settled into right now. But I got out and I know you will too. It sucks that the one we love is not even looking back but that means we get another opportunity to find happiness. You can't betray the one you love when they don't even care. It's ok to move on. You are still being true to yourself and your feelings. You are just pushing through the pain instead of lingering in it. It'll be okay. I hope happiness cheers your days in a big way as you move forward. You have a good heart to love so deeply. Give it to someone who will cherish it hon. Keep looking. Don't give up!
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