emeraldgreen Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 In an earlier thread, I (guy) discussed a relationship with a (girl) best friend that kept bouncing between the friend zone and actual love until she broke the cycle and moved ahead exclusively with a dude who is taking her overseas to marry. I really did love her and her me, but we wasted our time being passive instead of assertive. The other guy took charge and got the girl. I get it, and I genuinely want her to be happy and I don't want to be jaded. Anyways, I'm still dealing with the fallout of that a little at my end because it broke my heart a bit. She still tells me things like she loves me and I'll always be "her person". I know, it reads like a backup plan but our friendship really has stood the test of stuff we've been through together and individually. So, my questions are related to how I heal and move on while still being a friend. My expectation of us getting our act together as a couple is on me. I take responsibility for my own feelings, but I still get occasional resentment when I hear about the wedding plans and her relocation. I'm keeping myself busy with work, the gym, and talking to new people, but is it a reasonable proposition to go back to friend-only with this girl and get my head right at the same time? Do I pull away and come back when I'm a bit more detached from the old feelings? Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Wish her well and go on your way. You aren’t just friends and never will be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Eventually maybe but not right now. Her FI does not want you in the picture. The best way you can be supportive is to step aside. I suppose you can stay loosely connected on social media but don't follow each other. An occasional Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas but that is about it 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted December 31, 2018 Author Share Posted December 31, 2018 Cutting her out, either fast or slow just feels like a bitchy attempt to punish her for choosing what makes her happy. I deffo don't have any angst towards her for it. 4 years of having each other's backs isn't an easy thing to throw away. Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 I agree, you need some time without her building a life/support system that doesn’t include her. But I have been able to have some nice friendships with men that I once loved in a romantic way. I think it’s hard to forgive and get past a serious betrayal but it doesn’t sound like either of you feel betrayed. I wonder why people do this, though — squander an opportunity to be with someone they love. I think someone is doing that to me right now. He’s just not prioritizing me. In my head, he’s got till sometime in february to make good on this. He told me things would lighten up for him after the first of the year. I am wondering if I should tell him his days are numbered, but I can’t think of a way to do that without it sounding like an ultimatum. Do you think you would have stepped up if she had told you she was ready? It sounds like you were both being pretty passive, not just you? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
grays Posted December 31, 2018 Share Posted December 31, 2018 Cutting her out, either fast or slow just feels like a bitchy attempt to punish her for choosing what makes her happy. I deffo don't have any angst towards her for it. 4 years of having each other's backs isn't an easy thing to throw away. Do you guys see each other or communicate often? I feel like if I all the sudden had a fiancé, I wouldn’t be noticing or worrying about what was going on with a guy from my past. She may not see it as punishing or bitchy. And you could always tell her, something like, “I need to focus on getting my life together without you but I hope sometime in the future we can hang out as friends.” Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 it doesn’t sound like either of you feel betrayed. That's right, no betrayal. We've talked about how we were always into each other when the other was dating someone else, and we've been emotionally supportive the entire time up til now without any problem. I've actually never had a friendship or a relationship quite like it and I'm 45. I used to think emotional intimacy was just some corny **** girls made up, but we had that. Do you think you would have stepped up if she had told you she was ready? It sounds like you were both being pretty passive, not just you? Totally a 50/50 blame for our off timing. I did actually put myself on the line recently because I was ready to stop the merry-go-round and marry her, but she wanted something fresh I guess and this guy is offering her a new start overseas. I have to let her pursue that without being selfish because it's free of any of our back-and-forth stuff. I feel I've laid all my cards out now and am at least happy I said all that was on my mind. I can move on from those feelings at least but I never want to resent her for choosing him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Do you guys see each other or communicate often? I feel like if I all the sudden had a fiancé, I wouldn’t be noticing or worrying about what was going on with a guy from my past. She may not see it as punishing or bitchy. Talked almost every day for the last 4 years. I guess we've been crutches for each other. I really noticed this lately because I felt like I needed my best friend but she was the one person who couldn't help this time. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 The hard truth is if she had been torn between you two, she'd have put off marrying either. So she chose him, so unless she's marrying for money or something, she views you as mostly a friend. I think since you are understandably still hurting and since you two share what you say is intimate thoughts, you should just be honest. Tell her you need to go cold turkey and get out of her life and immerse yourself into your own life to clear the slate so you can meet someone and be happy and move on like her. And that once you do that, it will be much easier to resume being friends. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 You aren't punishing her. You are just taking a step back for your own sanity 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Giraffe-A Posted January 1, 2019 Share Posted January 1, 2019 Let her know that the present situation hurts you and you need to go away for a bit to heal. There’s no shame in that. It will take a while before you can see her as just a friend, but the only way to do so is to be a away for a few months... year. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 1, 2019 Author Share Posted January 1, 2019 Thanks, folks. Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 Sorry emerald, I went through something similar a long time ago and it sucked. But at the end of the day you're not doing either of yourselves any favors by keeping in contact. She's almost cheating on her new guy by sharing intimacy with you and you're keeping yourself in an ego-stomping situation that isn't going anywhere. At this point, despite what you may have shared in the past you two are really bad for each other. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 Sorry emerald, I went through something similar a long time ago and it sucked. But at the end of the day you're not doing either of yourselves any favors by keeping in contact. She's almost cheating on her new guy by sharing intimacy with you and you're keeping yourself in an ego-stomping situation that isn't going anywhere. At this point, despite what you may have shared in the past you two are really bad for each other. I do feel like there's truth to that, as much as it bothers me to not have her in my life on any level at all. Our families are friends and my parents were a bit bummed, but I'm probably the only one still giving this any thought. The Euro dude is apparently a bit cold and so I think I've been providing the emotional support he doesn't. I need to withdraw that because I'm not here to make up for another guy's shortcomings. From now on, that level of intimacy is for girlfriends and if she doesn't want to be mine, I shouldn't be providing it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Malin889 Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 Do you still talk as much as you used to? Or shall I say, does she still reach out to you? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 I need to withdraw that because I'm not here to make up for another guy's shortcomings. Yes, the bottom line. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted January 2, 2019 Share Posted January 2, 2019 I need to withdraw that because I'm not here to make up for another guy's shortcomings. From now on, that level of intimacy is for girlfriends and if she doesn't want to be mine, I shouldn't be providing it. In the long run you definitely don't want to "be there for her" anymore because being there for her now means hearing about the details and issues she has with another guy when you still want her. If she asked you for advice, you probably wouldn't be very objective and it would put you in a bad position. It will be torture when she says things like they fight and she misses how you two never fought, or he's kind of mean to her and you were always so nice... Truth is, you wanted more and she wanted exactly what you had between you two. It might make it easier to realize it that the reason it didn't work out was not because of timing or being passive on your part, it was because she chose what she wanted and chose to marry him. Anything she says to soften the blow really doesn't matter. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 Do you still talk as much as you used to? Or shall I say, does she still reach out to you? She's overseas with him right now on a holiday (they've been long distance for 5 months after he went back to his own country) and with a 9-hour time difference we haven't spoken but I still get a few text and voice messages per day, mostly fluff talk and photos - general friend stuff. The last deep conversation was about why we didn't work out, and that was over a week ago just before she said YES to the other guy. I congratulated her and gave her my genuine wishes that she be happy. She's on her way back to my country now where she'll be without him another 4 months until relocating. I don't want to be the fallback for emotional support in that time, but I don't want to be a dick either. We've watched each other enter and exit other relationships, but this time it's different and final. She never deliberately did anything to hurt me and she's encouraging me to move forward with someone else. I got a bit busted up nonetheless and want to let go of the hurt. At this point, I don't even know if the feelings are a broken heart or just a bruised ego. Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 2, 2019 Author Share Posted January 2, 2019 It will be torture when she says things like they fight and she misses how you two never fought, or he's kind of mean to her and you were always so nice... Yeah, I've had some of that when they started. "I wish he had half the heart that you do" and "You know how to talk to women better than him". Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted January 3, 2019 Share Posted January 3, 2019 Since she essentially rejected you, personally I believe that you owe her nothing. Not having her in your life will make things easier for you to move on. Tell her that you cannot be friends and that you need to find your own way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author emeraldgreen Posted January 3, 2019 Author Share Posted January 3, 2019 I think I will have to say something about space rather than do the slow fade. She landed back in the country last night and within an hour had texted me to say she'd like to meet up next Tuesday. I don't know what to make of that. I don't think she realises how much this has been ****ing me up inside. Link to post Share on other sites
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