Being in a will they / won't they relationship

[emeraldgreen]

For almost 4 years, I've been in a bit of a will they or won't they scenario with a girl whom I've grown to love very much on different levels. The rollercoaster ride is really the product of us continuing to see other people and having a sort of friend zone thing with occasional benefits. These days she's literally my favourite person on earth.

 

In the time we've known each other, we developed a really strong emotional intimacy and I guess we always wondered what we were to each other or afraid to ruin the friendship that had developed. In public, our friends and families always see us as a couple and we probably would have been by now if we weren't always into each other when the other person was not available.

 

This year, I've really realised that she is the one I want to be with, potentially even marry. But, inaction is blowing up in my face now as a dude she dated for 4 months and then moved overseas is now (another 4 months later) asking her to move over there with him and she's considering it.

 

Without wanting to go full retard, I really want to speak up and tell her that I don't want her to go and I don't want her to be anyone's but mine from now on. But how the hell do I go about doing that without making a fool of myself?

[FMW]

If you are as close as you say you are then she probably already has some inclination of your feelings. Just be honest and straightforward.

[d0nnivain]

Tick tock She is considering other offers because she doesn't think you want more or she doesn't. Either way, you need to lay it all on the line & tell her you want to be official & exclusive.

[Ronni_W]

But how the hell do I go about doing that without making a fool of myself?

You can ask her, "Is there anything that would keep you here, if you had the opportunity to have that thing?"

 

And then pay very close attention to all levels of her response. If she asks along the lines of, "What are you talking about? / What do you have in mind?", then you'll just have to find the courage to say,

"Well...a different guy...or something as significant as that...", and, again, see how she responds.

[emeraldgreen]

Either way, you need to lay it all on the line & tell her you want to be official & exclusive.

 

You are right. When I weigh up the two worst possible outcomes - telling her and getting shot down vs. watching her leave and regretting not speaking up for life - option #1 is a pretty easy choice.

[elaine567]

 

This year, I've really realised that she is the one I want to be with, potentially even marry. But, inaction is blowing up in my face now as a dude she dated for 4 months and then moved overseas is now (another 4 months later) asking her to move over there with him and she's considering it.

 

Without wanting to go full retard, I really want to speak up and tell her that I don't want her to go and I don't want her to be anyone's but mine from now on. But how the hell do I go about doing that without making a fool of myself?

You have to force yourself to do it.

I was in a similar situation once, great friendship, great chemistry, but he was dating or I was dating and it never happened.

Made up my mind that when he finished with some girl he didn't seem to be that into, then I would be more proactive.

BUT surprise surprise, one weekend he decided to marry her and that was that... No-one knew, family not involved, just the two of them registry office wedding, she wasn't even pregnant...

Big blow.

He who hesitates is lost...

Love of my life...

[Giraffe-A]

You get one shot to make this a magical moment she will not forget even if her answer is no at this moment. Need to plant that seed. You can be this fool or the fool that gets to see her taken by another man.

[emeraldgreen]

BUT surprise surprise, one weekend he decided to marry her and that was that... No-one knew, family not involved, just the two of them registry office wedding, she wasn't even pregnant...

Big blow.

He who hesitates is lost...

Love of my life...

 

I'm really sorry to hear that. That's my biggest fear, bigger than the fear of rejection.

[emeraldgreen]

Well, I tried but went down in flames. Euro dude gets the girl. She doesn't feel as strongly as she once did.

[FMW]

I'm sorry emeraldgreen.

 

You should feel good about being upfront about your interest. You gave it your best shot, you don't have to wonder "what if".

[elaine567]

Well, I tried but went down in flames. Euro dude gets the girl. She doesn't feel as strongly as she once did.

 

 

Sorry.

I admire you for your courage

 

Better you tried and failed than spend oodles of time wondering what if and regretting you never even tried...

You can now move cleanly on.

[preraph]

I'm sorry it happened that way. I guess when something kind of just lurks on for a few years without much momentum, it's a sign it's not really taking off. She certainly sounds kind of aimless to me. I mean, if you're real into one dude, what are you doing banging a friend? Maybe she just can't be alone or something. Unfair to you.

[emeraldgreen]

I'm sorry it happened that way. I guess when something kind of just lurks on for a few years without much momentum, it's a sign it's not really taking off. She certainly sounds kind of aimless to me. I mean, if you're real into one dude, what are you doing banging a friend? Maybe she just can't be alone or something. Unfair to you.

 

You are right. We lacked momentum and I surely took her for granted too. Even up til this week, if Euro dude had taken a look at her phone and seen the fondness with which we talk to each other, he'd flip his Estonian lid. But he gives her something she obviously needed: a fresh start, a plan, or an exciting new location. Whatever it is, I have to move past it now and stop kicking my own ass.

[preraph]

She may just be most attracted to the unknown or just be an impulsive person rather than one who wants to get into a steady routine. There's all kinds.....

[Simple Logic]

Sounds like a snooze you lose situation.

[SunnyWeather]

sorry it didn't work out like you hoped it would.

 

pro tip: I hope she has an exit plan (and that's it's not you) because there are very high odds it won't work out. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a person drop everything and move abroad for 'love', with disastrous results.

[emeraldgreen]

sorry it didn't work out like you hoped it would.

 

pro tip: I hope she has an exit plan (and that's it's not you) because there are very high odds it won't work out. I can't tell you how many times I've seen a person drop everything and move abroad for 'love', with disastrous results.

 

Thanks.

 

Yeah, genuinely from the friend perspective I hope she doesn't go through that, but I've seen it a few times with the same ingredients: move for love, don't know anyone except the dude's friends, don't speak the local language etc.

[emeraldgreen]

I did something I thought would help me but made everything worse.

 

She arrived back in Australia after visiting Euro dude for Xmas and wanted to meet with me. I prepared some mental notes of things I wanted to say to get some closure.

 

I ran through it all like a fine-tuned machine, pausing occasionally to fight back tears and when I was done, she bawled like a baby on my shoulder, telling me all the times she's been in love with me and waiting for me to make it happen for real. We sat there on a park bench for 2 hours consoling each other, mostly sobbing.

 

She said he is not her ideal man, and she doesn't really want to relocate, but she loves him and admired that he had a plan from the beginning. She has loved me so much all of this time and said she trained herself not to want me anymore. But here she is kissing me and crying with me on a park bench.

 

I told her I'll do anything to make this happen, marry her this year and spend my every day making up for the lost time. I could feel her coming my way, but then it was like she sobered up and said she can't break a promise or hurt an innocent 3rd party if we got together.

 

So now I'm ****ing dead inside again. I'm getting counselling and I have friends checking in on me to make sure I don't harm myself. This is the most painful "breakup" I've ever had to go through.

 

She is still flip-flopping on what she wants and has 4 months here until she goes overseas to marry Euro dude. As much as I want to wait around, I have to preserve myself because I don't have the will for much more of this.

[Blanco]

Sorry to hear you laid it all on the line and she still declined.

 

I'll say that she sounds a bit foolish. He's not her "ideal" man and she doesn't really want to move, but she's going to because she promised him? Yeah, that's a great foundation for a lasting, healthy relationship.

[Beachead]

Hi emeraldgreen,

 

I read the entire thread.

 

I am glad you spilled your heart to her before she leaves and gets used to living over there. This is something I truly believe you'll be glad you did in the long-run because if you hadn't, it wouldn't eaten you up inside for the rest of your life, and I know something about that. Regret is powerful.

 

You've done everything you should have done and there is no more for you to do. Now, your next move is to step back and let things be. No more talk about feelings or a relationship to her. Anything you have to say, you say here, or to a therapist, or to a friend (Unrelated or unassociated to her)..talk to anyone about this except to her. That conversation you two shared was an important moment for your friendship and she needs time to think about it and to be free to live her life her way while she processes it all. Whatever she decides, she has to decide in her own time. If you push, it will only annoy her and make her feel like you are not respecting her or her relationship and make her feel like you are weak..because you are trying to impose your will onto her. You don't want that. A great relationship stems from a great friendship which stems from respect. This is the most respectful thing you can do right now. You want her to respect you and see that you are able to be strong when it hard to be. She knows how you feel now..she knows everything. It is now up to her.

 

Return all your energy back to you right now. I would not try to hang out with her while you are feeling like this because it will only exacerbate your pain. She is the source of that pain at the moment. Give yourself time to regain your energy. Give yourself space to process things. This is about getting you back to you again. If she cares about you and you two are as good of friends as you say to be, she'll understand this and will respect it.

 

So vent it all out. Cry it out all out. Go to the gym and work out and focus on the things in your life. Maybe take up some new activities to change your routine up. Things that challenge you will force you to put your mental energy towards that and push thoughts of this to the back by lack of choice and that will help. You will still need down time for yourself though to help you work through your pain. So I would also leave 2-3 hours a day or so to talk it out and/or to lie in your bed and grieve for yourself. But try to refrain from being in bed the whole day.

 

Stay strong man.

 

- Beach

Edited January 10, 2019 by Beachead

[emeraldgreen]

Hi emeraldgreen,

 

I read the entire thread.

 

I am glad you spilled your heart to her before she leaves and gets used to living over there. This is something I truly believe you'll be glad you did in the long-run because if you hadn't, it wouldn't eaten you up inside for the rest of your life, and I know something about that. Regret is powerful.

 

You've done everything you should have done and there is no more for you to do. Now, your next move is to step back and let things be. No more talk about feelings or a relationship to her. Anything you have to say, you say here, or to a therapist, or to a friend (Unrelated or unassociated to her)..talk to anyone about this except to her. That conversation you two shared was an important moment for your friendship and she needs time to think about it and to be free to live her life her way while she processes it all. Whatever she decides, she has to decide in her own time. If you push, it will only annoy her and make her feel like you are not respecting her or her relationship and make her feel like you are weak..because you are trying to impose your will onto her. You don't want that. A great relationship stems from a great friendship which stems from respect. This is the most respectful thing you can do right now. You want her to respect you and see that you are able to be strong when it hard to be. She knows how you feel now..she knows everything. It is now up to her.

 

Return all your energy back to you right now. I would not try to hang out with her while you are feeling like this because it will only exacerbate your pain. She is the source of that pain at the moment. Give yourself time to regain your energy. Give yourself space to process things. This is about getting you back to you again. If she cares about you and you two are as good of friends as you say to be, she'll understand this and will respect it.

 

So vent it all out. Cry it out all out. Go to the gym and work out and focus on the things in your life. Maybe take up some new activities to change your routine up. Things that challenge you will force you to put your mental energy towards that and push thoughts of this to the back by lack of choice and that will help. You will still need down time for yourself though to help you work through your pain. So I would also leave 2-3 hours a day or so to talk it out and/or to lie in your bed and grieve for yourself. But try to refrain from being in bed the whole day.

 

Stay strong man.

 

- Beach

 

Thanks so much. I think you have a perfect read of the situation.

 

Letting it be what it is will be the most difficult part for me. I don't know anyone who doesn't think the odds are totally against her, but I have to let her make her own way. I somehow expected that "doing all I can" would provide some comfort or relief, but I'm still consumed by regret and I'll have to process that on my own.

[Beachead]

Thanks so much. I think you have a perfect read of the situation.

 

Letting it be what it is will be the most difficult part for me. I don't know anyone who doesn't think the odds are totally against her, but I have to let her make her own way. I somehow expected that "doing all I can" would provide some comfort or relief, but I'm still consumed by regret and I'll have to process that on my own.

 

Yea I know.

 

Just be careful about listening to what your peers are telling you. What they're doing is giving you hope and that is the last thing you need right now.

Because you want so badly to be with her, you are vulnerable to accepting the things that you only want to hear. And right now, you want to hear they won't work out so that you can be with her, so you'll take it and hold onto it with everything you got. In process, you can end up deceiving yourself from reality just to avoid feeling the pain of having to deal with it. You are going to hear news about them and see pictures of them together on social media (If you have her on it) that show them happy which is very likely going to break your heart and reopen your wounds. Also, it is very likely with her moving to a different country, she may become distant as she will build a life over there. If you are in denial, it can hit you 10 times harder.

 

I been through stuff like this and I don't want anyone to get suckered into that kind of emotional destruction.

 

Take this as it's over. Prepare to put distance between you and her so that you can regain your mental health. You'll need time and space to work through your heartbreak and regain that strength. If you intend to continue staying in touch..then you will need a strong strong mind that is unattached to the outcome of her working out with him or not. Right now, you don't have that. Right now you need to relearn how to smile on your own and be okay with whatever happens.

 

Last thing..don't think of this is the "The one that got away." There is no such thing in my books. A lot of people interpret these kinds of breakups as something like this and it holds them back for a long time..because of that regret. Keep in mind, she could have told you how she felt as well. She's an adult also. The responsibility doesn't only fall on you. It is hers as well. Furthermore, her leaving to a different place is a choice. If she was the right one, things would have worked out as they needed to and she'd be with you.

 

Take care of yourself

 

- Beach

Edited January 11, 2019 by Beachead

[emeraldgreen]

Good advice. Thanks again.

[kamani]

I feel for you and I am sorry for the pain you are undergoing. I read your thread and somethings are not clear to me. Were you FWBs?

 

You tell you were friends for 4 years but still both of were you dating other people all the time. Wasn't there any chance to express romantic feelings earlier? You sound fairly young to me.

 

She said he is not her ideal man, and she doesn't really want to relocate, but she loves him and admired that he had a plan from the beginning. She has loved me so much all of this time and said she trained herself not to want me anymore. But here she is kissing me and crying with me on a park bench.

 

To me it sounds like she was waiting for you but you were too late. I am not going to make you feel worse, but it's obvious that she respected the man who really wanted to be with her and it's reasonable.

 

She'll consent for a relationship if she want's to but don't expect anything and try to protect yourself from pain. Even if she chooses you, don't you think it will be another emotional roller coaster for you and her? There's a man waiting for her abroad and he'll be broken hearted, she will be coming to you definitely with a guilty conscience. Think it's better it happened this way.

[lana-banana]

She's loved you for years and you're the one she wants, but she's going to go off with this guy she dated in person for 4 months (and did 4 months long-distance) just because she said so? This doesn't make sense. I don't necessarily think you're being lied to but something is missing here. Rational humans don't behave this way. I know your heart is breaking and I'm very sorry, but at best this sounds like an extraordinary amount of drama that isn't worth the pain.