How do I define the relationship?

[tukorob9]

Hi!

 

I (25m) was wondering how to go about a situation i'm in. I've been in a friends with benefits relationship with a girl (25f) in my close group of friends for 4 months now. I feel like i should enjoy the time with no title slapped onto the relationship but i also really want to know if there's more to it.

 

Shes kind of a shy person so I don't want to freak her out but I've heard it might not be the best conversation to have over text. Bottom line is i don't want this dragging on for a long time with one of us ending up getting hurt. I want to some how define the boundaries and hopefully keep a friend regardless of if we stop or move forward with it.

 

Any advice? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Thank you!

[Ronni_W]

<snip> but I've heard it might not be the best conversation to have over text.

Just because it is not good to have a given conversation over text, does not mean that it is not a necessary conversation to have.

 

You have already defined this relationship in your own head as a 'friends with benefits relationship'. But, since you are the one who actually wants it to be more,

you are concerned that you are the one who is going to end up getting hurt (if she is not interested in having anything more {than an FWB} with you.)

On top of that, you're telling yourself that you are 'saving' her from "freaking out" if you try to have an honest conversation with her...instead of the truth:

that you don't have the courage to initiate that conversation because you don't want to hear the worst-case response from her.

 

My advice would be that the next time you two get together for a booty call, pluck up your courage, (before or after, it doesn't matter), and ask her to help you define the relationship.

[elaine567]

FWB relationships need to be defined as early as possible so no-one gets hurt.

I guess you want to define this so that you can continue to have sex with this girl, guilt free and with no labels.

You probably already know she is more involved than you are but you do not want to scare the horses and end up with nothing.

You need to tell her and losing her as a friend is the risk you run, but leading her on to think this could be something more when that is not possible, is not exactly "friendly" type behaviour...

I am not sure making making real friends into FWBs is wise, as real friends have a relationship and thus are only one step away from falling in love, add sex and it is a fait accompli...

A successful FWB arrangement needs more emotional distance usually.

[Happy Lemming]

Any advice? Has anyone ever been in this situation? Thank you!

 

This answer is easy!!

 

Yes, I've been in several FWB situations.

 

FWB's are great! You are getting laid with minimal work or expense. Why do you want to mess it up by trying to "define boundaries" or slap some "title" on the situation.

 

My advice... Keep having sex until she wants to change the parameters or title or boundaries. At that point, you can decide if you want to change the relationship or bail.

[Michelle ma Belle]

It's not uncommon for FWB relationships to turn into full-blown relationships despite having established rules and boundaries. That's just life.

 

The fear, of course, is if your partner doesn't reciprocate the feelings, can you (both) can go back to the status quo?

 

Only you can decide if it's a risk worthy taking.

 

Personally, I'm one for always being honest and direct. Life is too short not to go after something you want. If I had feelings for a FWB, I would discuss it...face to face...NOT over text!

 

But only if I was prepared for the worst which would be losing my "friend" along with the "benefits".

 

Good luck.

[tukorob9]

So I still haven't had any discussion about defining the relationship with her... but we continue to hook up and text every now and again. Honestly i think i'm at the point where i don't care what the outcome is i just don't want the friendship to end or be weird after.

 

Going to really make a push to have some sort of discussion next time... I know this sounds bad but i feel weird being the guy wanting to know what this all means.

 

Hopefully we can have a solid conversation and figure it out. SUPER NERVOUS.

[Ronni_W]

The fact that you're nervous and are afraid of the 'friendship' ending or getting weird means that YOU DO CARE. Why ignore that or pretend otherwise? Who will that impress?

 

You can just ask her how she feels, instead of saying how you feel: "How would you feel if we stopped being friends altogether?", or, "What if we got hung-up on each other and wanted to go exclusive?"

- then you can take it from there.

 

For the record, though, women actually like and appreciate men who know and can express their feelings, and have these types of conversations,

without going all mental or like they don't have any brains or feelings.

[Happy Lemming]

Hopefully we can have a solid conversation and figure it out. SUPER NERVOUS.

 

Before you jump into this deep conversation, why not go get a bite to eat after you have sex or go to breakfast the next morning?? "Hey I'm kind of hungry, you want to go get some eggs/pancakes??" or if its the afternoon "I've been looking at getting a new coffee table, and I'd really like a woman's opinion, would you go with me to the furniture store and give me your insight??" Gauge her reaction and response. You can tell if someone is excited or not.

 

Test the waters before you jump in...

[tukorob9]

The fact that you're nervous and are afraid of the 'friendship' ending or getting weird means that YOU DO CARE. Why ignore that or pretend otherwise? Who will that impress?

 

You can just ask her how she feels, instead of saying how you feel: "How would you feel if we stopped being friends altogether?", or, "What if we got hung-up on each other and wanted to go exclusive?"

- then you can take it from there.

 

For the record, though, women actually like and appreciate men who know and can express their feelings, and have these types of conversations,

without going all mental or like they don't have any brains or feelings.

 

I'm definitely able to have the conversation I just want to do it in a way that makes it as comfortable as possible for her. I feel like it might be awkward to pass the conversation over to her when she isn't the one initiating it. So it might be best if i do the talking and let her think?

 

I think whats freaking me out a bit is that some guy literally did this a couple weeks ago and she was telling me how she has zero interest in him.

 

All i want to find out is that us progressing into something more is an actual option and its not already set in stone that this is only and purely physical and nothing more. If that's the case I don't think i'm down to continue with the whole friends with benefits thing.